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Tommy Girl has seen "Sliver" way too many times. He probably loves seeing Billy Baldwin's bare ass. Tommy has spent over $1 million to have his home equipped with a crazy ass security system. The new system will have cameras in every single room. Tommy is paranoid that crazed fans or kidnappers may try to harm his family. He's also installing a security guard house and a moat that will wrap around the 13,000 square foot mansion.

Katie has told friends that she feels like a prisoner in her own home. Katie, I hate to break it to you, but you're already a prisoner in your own body. A source said, “There will be codes and devices that only Tom will have the secret information to operate. Katie, who led a carefree life before she met Tom, says it’ll be like a prison. Every move she makes inside or outside their house will be recorded. she says she’ll feel as though there is no escape from Tom’s controlling ways. You can escape the eyes of another person by going to a different part of the house. But [Katie] knows she can’t escape the roving eyes of the cameras that are constantly sweeping the house.”

What friends has Katie said this to? Has her Baby Alive doll been talking to the media again? Stick some processed peas in its mouth, because it's going to get Katie in trouble! Katie, start telling your secrets to Puppy Puffalump. That bitch can keep a secret

The source went on to say, “Katie will barely be able to move around her own home without being monitored by cameras and electrical devices.” Electrical devices? Oh shit! I wish I was around when Katie and Suri's internal computer interferes with the new security system! Katie's head will spin and she'll start spewing shit like "Tom Cruise is the best bottom I've ever been with" and "Mrs. Tom Cruise Beckham." Tommy programmed those phrases into Katie, so she can repeat them to him in the privacy of their alien chamber.

Bonus! In case you missed it! Earlier I linked this video from Gawker of Tommy celebrating his Birthday on a cruise ship a while ago. It makes me so happy. Xenu has truly given me a gift and I will repay him by becoming his 100th alien bride when it's my time.

Jennifer Aniston must be behind the bruise on Courtney Cox's arm. She caught her watching "Gia" for the 100th time. Courtney can't help it. Gia is a really hot movie. Angelina Jolie before she got annoying, the chick from "Lost" and the hot bitch from "Models Inc" in one movie! What more could you want?

Here's Courtney strolling around town. At first I thought it was Demi Moore. Well, if Demi Moore lost her looks.

Parasite Hilton and Benji the Hunted's bowel movement and pussy hole rings have nothing to do with Ashton Kutcher's "Pop Fiction" punk show. Paris called into Ryan Seacrest's show on KIIS and said their relationship is not a hoax. She said the ring was a gift from Benji. He's as lame as she is. No wonder Hilary Duff wouldn't wrap her horse teeth around his dick.

Paris went on to say,"I feel very safe and secure. He's a great guy. He's been my friend for a couple of years now, and we're really happy. This is not for Pop Fiction. It's not a hoax!"

Paris darling, sweetheart, pussykins, your entire life is a fucking hoax. It's a joke on the entire world for all the bad things we've ever done. If Eve never ate that apple we would have never been punished with Paris Hilton. That's the truth.

And I can't talk about Benji the dog without posting a clip from the movie. This is a truly beautiful moment when Benji learns that not all pussy is grouchy.

Robin Antin unveiled her new line of nipple and squirrel covers during L.A. Fashion Week yesterday. Robin is selling her pieces of lingerie under the Pussycat Doll name. The show included a performance from PCD. If I didn't know this was a fashion show I would've guessed it was the red light district of Amsterdam. That being said, I would probably walk around in public like this if I was them. Besides call girls, trannies and male politicians, who the hell wears lingerie anymore?

I also sort of love Nicole Scherbertzinger or whatever the hell her name is. She's the love child of Maya Rudolph and Vanity. I have soft spots for both of those bitches.

Jenny McCarthy is trying to make Katie Holmes' old 'do work for her. The alien bob didn't work for Katie then and it's not working for Jenny now. It's a good thing Jenny is fucking one of Hollywood's richest dudes. Maybe he can loan her a few coins to fix that mop.

Here's Jenny at ET in Canada promoting the Holistic World Expo. Even better! Maybe one of the hos there can heal her style, because it needs all the help it can get.

Oh my chola!

ONTD has posted a ton of pics from the MySpace of Danny Noriega's gorgeous cholita mother, Bonnie. I've been admiring her for weeks now. This shit doesn't belong on MySpace, it belong in W Magazine. This is beauty in its rawest form. When I grow up I want to marry Chola Bonnie. Homegirl is from Azusa, CA and I'm originally from Rowland Heights, so we definitely belong together. We might be from opposite gang families though. Our love would be like West Side Story, but with much more glamour and Aquanet.

Below are just a few pics, but visit ONTD to see the rest.

I have a very important question to ask before we get into the Heather Mills/Paul McCartney bukkake divorce news. Where the damn fuck is Michele Elyzabeth and her dog Bijou?! Heather's crazy ass publicist promised she would update her blog weekly with Heather news and she hasn't updated since December. I am so mad at her. I am tempted to chop off my leg, so she'll give me some attention. Please come back Michele Elyzabeth!

Anyway, it looks like the battle for Paul's millions is coming to an end. The Daily Mail reports Heather will get £46million. She's agreed to one lump sum of £25 million. The judgment has reportedly been made and the verdict will be handed down on Monday. It's not known if that settlement includes cash for their daughter, Beatrice.

Heather apparently wanted more, because she's a greedy bitch. The settlement will still go down as one of Britain's largest. Legal bills alone total £10 million.

Hopefully this is the end, so the bitch can hop away into the sunset already with all her millions. I have to hand it to her. After only a few years she has become one of Britain's richest prostitutes. Jordan has nothing on this bitch!

It's the world famous Radioman and some broad - Egotastic!

Tom Cruise's crazy Scientologist Birthday video - Gawker

Rihanna's new song needs to "Take A Bow" and call it a night - Just Jared

This is what Eddie Murphy is missing out on - Hollywood Tuna

Is Jamie Lynn even knocked up? - Popsugar

Ashlee Simpson kissing a topless chick (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Did Cameron Diaz get more work done? - Cityrag

Brit Brit's $30,000 present to Jamie Lynn - Hollywood Rag

Edward Norton is a diva - IDLYITW

Chupa Zoe is on the prowl - A Socialite's Life

Are you a call girl on a budget and don't live anywhere near a Forever 21 or Strawberry? Well, Heidi Montag has the perfect solution to your problem. She's designed a few pieces for her new line "Heidiwood" sold at Anchor Blue stores. She spoke to UsWeekly about her new shit and used the time to bash Lauren Conrad's fashion collection.

Heidi said, "Lauren's line is not necessarily something I would wear. She's trying a high-fashion thing, but it's a little overpriced. Mine is fun and flirty for the everyday woman. Most people can't afford $200 for one dress." More like fug and farty.

The fashion school drop-out went on to bash LC some more, "When we were in school, I was the designer, and she was in, like, product development."

Don't even think of buying this shit! Go to Target instead. You can pick up a dress like this for $19.99 and a bag of Chili Cheese Fritos at the same time. Nothing beats that. If I see you out in public wearing one of Nosejob McFakeTits' dresses - you be ready for a slap fight.

SLUT!!!! This is the cover for Madonna's "Hard Candy" album due out April 29th. Madge's spokeswhore said the album is "about the juxtaposition of tough and sweetness." I'm all for memaws being slutty, but Madge needs to close the vadge already. We've seen that sour candy a million times.

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