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Katherine Heigl is ready to start reproducing right now! She needs to consult her ovaries, because I'm pretty sure they don't want any part in bringing Heigl spawn to the world. Katherine talked to the Sunday Times about when she's going to start popping out little Heigls with her husband, Josh Kelly. Katherine said, “I think we’re both on such a career trajectory right now, it would be foolish to waste the opportunities. I think he’d prefer to wait a little more time, but I kind of wouldn’t, so I think we’ll meet somewhere in the middle.”

Josh isn't ready to deal with a knocked up Heigl. That's just a recipe for MEGA BITCH! Think about it! Katherine Heigl + Crazy Hormones - Ciggies = Insane Bitch From Hell! Josh needs to prepare his soul before he goes into the darkness.

Katherine also talked about her a career a little bit and what she thinks about being compared to Julia Roberts. She said, “I can’t help but feel that’s a little insulting to Julia Roberts. There’s not another woman who I look at and think, ‘That’s it, that’s whose career I want to have.’ I’m just me and trying to do the best I can in every decision in any given moment."

The only person that is comparing Katherine Heigl to Julia Roberts is Katherine Heigl. I've never heard of that fuckery before in my life! If this bitch is the next Julia Roberts, then I'm the next Noah Webster.

Did you hear that crack? I think it's one of Janet's ribs breaking. Does she even have any ribs left?

It looks like her nose and her waist are in a competition to see who can disappear first. My cash is on her nose. I doubt that's a regular belt she's wearing. It looks more like a Eureka vacuum belt. It was the only thing that was small enough to cinch her up.

Janet Jackson is putting the heat on Cathie Jung! Cathie currently has the world's thinnest waist, but JJ is closing in. Come on Cathie! You don't need a stomach. Get rid of it! JJ is coming for you!

Eeesh. Is Madonna training for Miss Physique or something? Homegirl needs to lay off the Stemulite.

Guy Ritchie probably gives her the evil side-eye when when she goes in to give him a handjob. He's afraid she's going to rip his dick off. Oh, silly me. She's already taken that.

Kim Kardashian's New Year's resolution was to eat better. She made this promise to herself after shoving deep fried Oreos down her throat before the countdown. She told People that she hasn't really stuck to her diet.

Kim was in Orlando on Sunday night hosting Wrestlemania XXIV and she decided to have a bite at IHOP before the event. This is exactly where you go when you're trying to lose weight. She said, "I decided not to have pancakes, because those aren't good for me and I didn't want the carbs. So what did I get? Chicken strips. I knew they were bad for me, but they were worth it." That makes a lot of sense. She probably skipped soda, because it's bad for her and had chocolate milk made with half and half instead.

She went on to say that it's "so hard to eat well because I love so many unhealthy foods. I just can't stop eating junk. It's awful!"

The bitch literally has junk in her trunk. Junk and spunk! The diet of Kim Kardashian.

Poor Chestica Simpson is in the hospital, because her pusssay burns when she pees. In Touch reports that Ches has a minor kidney infection and is currently receiving treatment Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. She's been in there since Friday.

A friend said she's doing fine and she should be out by tomorrow. Her boyfriend, Tony Romo, couldn't be with her, because he had shit to do in Dallas. It was probably shit that landed her in this pickle. Ass to vagina is a dangerous game! Something in the vag ain't clean!

The friend went on to say, “She checked in on Friday morning because she was feeling achy and had a fever."

I'm sure Daddy Spears is taking very good care of his pot of gold. He probably wrestles the thermometer out of the nurse's hand when it's time to take Ches' temperature.

People reports that all the New Kids on the Block members will reunite on the "Today" show this Friday. They are expected to announce their reunion plans and possibly perform. Joey McIntyre, Donnie Wahlberg, Danny Wood and brothers Jordan and Jonathan Knight are all in. It's not like they have anything else to do! None of them are fat enough for "Celebrity Fit Club" yet. Although, I'm sure Donnie has toyed with getting fat just so he could be on the show.

In January, it was rumored that they would get together for the 20th Anniversary of "Hanging Tough." It's been 20 years? Damn! They should name their tour "The Mid-Life Crisis World Tour."

And now I leave you with my favorite NKOTB song of all-time. My friends and I used to do fashion shows to this song in our backyards. Yes, when you look up the word "homosexual" in the dictionary, you'll see me in a headband and British Knights strutting my ass to Cover Girl.

Unfortunately, it wasn't the kind of gang bang Daisy is used to. Heather once again proved why she is one of the reigning drama queens of reality TV. She got all of the other girls in the house to turn against our Dark Crystal princess and question her relationship with her ex-boyfriend. Daisy still lives in a one-bedroom apartment with her ex-boyfriend, but claims they don't fuck. Uh...huh...and her tits are real too. Please! Daisy also admitted that she supports her ex-boyfriend by stripping.

Daisy tried to convince Bret that nothing else was going on with her ex. He didn't believe her and neither did the other girls. With Heather at the helm, they all rallied against Daisy to let her know that they don't believe she's not fucking her ex. It turned into an all out war with booze throwing and bitch calling. It must be serious if those chicks start to throw booze. These drunk skanks don't seem the type to even waste a drop.

Daisy also confessed to Bret that she's hung out with CC Deville a few times, but promises she didn't fuck him. What the hell is Daisy going to confess next? That she accidentally got fisted by Ricky Rockett?

At elimination, all three girls believed Daisy was going to go home. Much to their surprise, Bret kept her. Below is Daisy's reaction and it's fucking priceless. She's like a trout out of water, gasping for air. In her defense, I think we would all have that look on our face if we were standing that close to Bret Michaels' face and hair.

P.S. - I'm devastated Bret didn't keep Heather around! I really thought he was going to ler her join the other skanks in fighting for his love. That's where she belongs, because Bret is "HER MAN."

It's about that time and I think we might have a clear winner here. Please take a moment from changing your cell phone wallpaper to the picture of Paris falling on her wonk to vote for March's Hot Slut of the Month! Again, I think this is going to be a landslide! Here's your choices:

Laura Bozzo - Controversial talk show host and friend of fraud
Pete Doherty - The most gorgeous man in the world
Ramona Singer - Reality star and party girl mother
Xuxa - Children's TV show host and Brazilian softcore porn star

Voting is to the right. The winning slut will be announced on Wednesday. Happy voting!

Leatherbag Richards on weed: "I smoke my head off. I smoke weed all the time." - Hollywood Rag

Two lesbians in love (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

More of George Clooney's hot girlfriend being a slut - IDLYITW

Jakey Poo is still on crutches! - Popsugar

When are Tom and Katie going to morph into the one person already? - Just Jared

Lindsay Lohan's ass looks like a tumor - Hollywood Tuna

HO-rrific pictures of Audrina Partridge just keep coming out - Egotastic!

Speaking of Audrina, her Pop Fiction tattoo is suddenly gone - Popbytes

Courtney Love holds a meeting outside a subway station - A Socialite's Life

Celebrities and their wax twins - Cityrag

Trojan condoms have offered Johnny Depp $10 million to be the "face" of their company. The Daily Star reports that they want Johnny to star in TV commercials for their Magnum range. Johnny has long been an advocate of safe sex eduction, so the company feels this is a perfect "fit." They also want Johnny to help with their anti-AIDS campaign. Trojan plans to send free condoms to third world countries.

Trojan has reportedly thrown around the tagline, “Stand up with Johnny for safer sex.” Boo! It should be, "If if it's big enough for Johnny, it's big enough for you."

A source close to Johnny claims he's interested, “He’s very interested and he’s trying to figure out if he can fit it in.” Oh, it will only take a few seconds, Johnny. I'll gladly help out in seeing if it fits. We can take pre-measurements using my mouth. It's more accurate than a standard ruler.

This is a splendid idea. Johnny should also take part in a how-to video showing us all the correct way to put on a condom. Of course I know how, but I want to see it done the "Depp way."