Archives

In this Sunday's "60 Minutes," Mah Boo Anderson Cooper races against the dolphin god known as Michael Phelps and he does so in some baggy trunks. Baggy fucking trunks!

You really expect me to believe that Mah Boo covers his nalgas when he lays out on South Beach (protected by SPF: INFINITY, of course)? No. Mah Boo probably has a closet full of mankinis, elephant thongs and nut cutters. I feel robbed! I want my money back for watching the preview above! How the hell can I tell how long the Silver Fox's tail is in those things!

You know that if he wore his lucky silvery speedos, he would've won that shit! His little ass cheeks would have worked harder if they were covered in glittery fabulousness and his toes would've twinkled faster. And notice how his shiny hair made out of angels' tears never came out of place, even in the pool.

With all that being said, can somebody please grant me a Christmas wish and nab those trunks for me! Those trunks are begging me to turn them into my own personal crotch pillow. Beeeeggggging!

(Thanks Rebecca)

The Crackie of Camden is currently resting her crack hive at THE CLINIC in London after suffering a seizure due to a bad reaction from her medication. In crackie-talk that just means she had too much of the bad shit. While Wino is laid up in the hospital, she's reportedly talked to several lawyers about starting divorce proceedings.

Wino still hasn't visited her beloved Blaaaake since he left the chokey for rehab. She's apparently still pissed off at his ass for not telling her he was leaving prison. They fight constantly during phone conversations and now she's ready to cut him off completely.

I feel like we've heard this a zillion times before. Wino and Blaaaake get into a fight, she threatens to divorce him, the lawyer brings the papers over for her to sign and she decides she'd rather smoke up the documents than have them delivered to Blaaake. Then she calls him up, he says some sexy shit to get her back, she rubs the phone on her crackie bush and forgives him. History repeats itself over and over again with these two crackheads.

When I first read these two horrific stories yesterday, my first thought was "Only in fucking America" and that's the damn truth. Every year, we hear of bitches getting into knife fights over the last Bratz doll or choking each other for a discounted portable DVD player, but this shit right here is beyond disgusting. Beyond.

At a Wal-Mart (of course) in Long Island, NY yesterday, 34-year-old Jdimytai Damour, a temporary maintenance worker, tried to help to control the crowd of blood-thirsty zombies that stormed into the store at 5am for holiday discounts on dumb shit like X-boxes and flat-screen TVs. The crowd was so hungry to get their fat, greasy hands on stupid shit that they knocked the man over and kept on going. 200 crazies trampled over the man, killing him. He died at a Wal-Mart in Long Island, the day after Thanksgiving. Even when the man was on the ground and lifeless, shoppers continued to run past him like he wasn't even there.

One Wal-Mart employee, who was also knocked down in the stampede, said, "He was bum-rushed by 200 people. They took the doors off the hinges. He was trampled and killed in front of me. They took me down, too ... I didn't know if I was going to live through it. I literally had to fight people off my back."

Damour's family members were told that he died of a heart attack. Four shoppers, including a pregnant women, were also injured. When shoppers were told that they had to leave because an employee had died, they started shouting "I've been on line since Friday morning!!!"

Wal-Mart's spokeswhore, SATAN, issued this statement: "We expected a large crowd this morning and added additional internal security, additional third-party security, additional store associates and we worked closely with the Nassau County police. We also erected barricades. Despite all of our precautions, this unfortunate event occurred."

Unfortunate event?! An unfortunate event was me almost pooping my pants yesterday. This is way, way, way beyond an "unfortunate event." You know, it makes so much sense that this happened at Wal-Mart, the epitome of American grossness. I hope that on Christmas morning, when the Wal-Mart savages' children are opening their stupid presents, they tell them "I hope you like it, because I had to kill a man for it."

And on the other side of the country, two men died at a Toys 'R Us in Palm Desert, CA. According to the L.A. Times, two chicks started arguing inside the store. One witness said it might have been over a toy, but another witness said it was over personal issues between them. Both were with dudes. One of the dudes pulled out a gun, shot it in the air and then shot the other man. It's assumed that the man who was shot also had a gun and used it to shoot the other dude. They both died.

What the fuck is wrong with America? Even wild animals behave better than we do. Stories like this make me want to donate all my shit to charity and go live in the woods for the rest of my life. People suck.

Marilyn Kagan - Marilyn started out as an actress in shit like "Foxes" with Jodie Foster. She decided acting wasn't for her ass so she went to school to become a psychotherapist. In 1995, her talk show "The Marilyn Kagen Show" debuted. It was basically like Dr. Phil minus the doucheness. One of my favorite episodes was when Marilyn had these two hot bitches on and they started arguing. Out of nowhere, one of the hot bitches ripped the other one's wig right off her head and ran off. This shit wasn't done "Jerry Springer" style, meaning it was not planned. I blacked out for a few seconds after that amazing moment of television. Sadly, I couldn't find it on YouTube. I will always be grateful to Marilyn for bringing me that shit!

Jackie Stallone (87)
Lucas Black (26)
The Game (29)
Anna Faris (32)
Gena Lee Nolin (37)
Jonathan Knight (40)
Ellen Cleghorne (43)
Don Cheadle (44)
Andrew McCarthy (46)
Tom Sizemore (47)
Cathy Moriarty (48)
Kim Delaney (50)
Michael Dempsey (50)
Howie Mandel (53)
Joel Coen (54)
Garry Shandling (59)
Diane Ladd (73)