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The gardener with the floppy manchichs from "Desperate Housewives" was being a d-bag at a club in Monaco, hanging out a second-floor balcony when he fell 30-to-40 feet and hit the ground. Dirty douche water exploded everywhere. After they cleaned that up, they took Jesse Metcalfe to a nearly hospital where he had a brain (HA!) scan. That brain scan must have taken hours. The technicians couldn't figure out why the x-rays only had the words "not available" on them.

Jesse was released from the hospital in Monaco today and flown to London where he had a C-Scan. His spokesbitch said, "He accidentally slipped off a balcony and was knocked unconscious, but he is fine and now recovering from some minor bruises in a London hospital."

Translation: douche + booze + balcony = busted head.

I'm sure that through all this drama his eyebrows remained faaaaabulous. You know that when he hit the ground he started screaming about his eyebrows. The ambulance had to take him to a salon first to make sure one eyebrow hair wasn't out of place. He's serious about that shit.

Here's Jesse with an owie being wheeled around the airport today.

If your name is Nicole Mary Kidman or Lisa Deanna Rinna, quit reading this shit. It might give you ideas.

Hang Mioku, a 48-year-old Korean woman, got her first taste of plastic surgery when she was 28 and she couldn't stop. The bitch became a plastic surgery crackhead. A plastichead if you will. Hang moved to Japan where she made herself look like Eric Stoltz from Mask thanks to several surgeries. Doctors finally told her they were done with her ass and she needed to go get some mental help. She ignored them.

Hang moved back to Korea and found one doctor who was willing to give her silicone injections. The back alley doctor gave her a syringe and silicone to take home, so that she could do it herself. When she ran out of silicone, she started using cooking oil. Yes, fucking cooking oil! Bitch, it's a face! Not a fucking pork chop!

Well, she could have rubbed a chicken drumstick in flour, layed it on her face and then went out and sunbathed. In a few sizzling minutes, she'd have a delicious fried treat!

I'm never going to look at a bottle of Wesson the same way again.

Basically, the cooking oil made Hang's face go from Rocky from Mask to the fucking Rock Monster! Hang finally realized she didn't look right when the neighborhood kids started making fun of her and calling her a "standing fan." Standing fan?! Maybe a standing fan dipped in wet concrete, let out to dry and then chipped down with a rusty chisel and ran over with a tractor trailer.

Hang didn't have anymore money to fix her face, so she went on TV and begged for donations. It worked and she was able to get another operation to get all the Wesson removed from her mug. It helped a little, but her face is still disfigured.

After the jump is a picture of Hang, but I'm warning you. This shit might make your face jump off your head, run to the kitchen and throw away all the cooking oil bottles. Jump at your own risk!!!

We all know that Xtina has been sending Bat Boy to Lady GaGa's dumpster in the middle of the night, so that he can go through it and take her old clothes, wigs and clip-on bangs. Well, Xtina is playing dim in the brains and told the L.A. Times that she doesn't know what a GaGa is.

When asked what she has to say about whores saying she jacked Lady GaGa's look, she answered: "You know, that’s funny that you mention that. This person [Lady Gaga] was just brought to my attention not too long ago. I’m not quite sure who this person is, to be honest. I don’t know if it is a man or a woman. I just wasn’t sure. I really don’t spend any time on the Internet, so I guess I live a little under a rock in that respect."

They have so much more in common than I thought. Most of the time I don't know if Xtina is a man or a woman either. And she doesn't live under a rock, she lives in a cave! That's the only way Bat Boy can get any sleep.

Here's Xtina at some event last night looking like my rockabilly chola cousin Lupe after she went blonde one year. Although, Lupe's hair was hella patchy, because the cheap bleach she used caused that shit to fall out! HA! Dumb bitch.

"Christmas is coming! Posh ain't getting fat! Please put a burger in her stomach STAT!"

Here's Posh and her son Cruz walking around the Grove in Los Angeles today. It's a good thing Romeo held on to his mommy's hand while she was carrying that yellow balloon, because if he didn't, that shit would carry her skinny ass away.

And that blonde bodyguard is making my peen hole sing. Yes, I'm hard up today.

The dirty toilet plunger known as Stephen Baldwin vowed to move to Canada if Obama won. Somebody give that dumb fuck a newspaper, because Obama is our next president and Stephen is still here! I doubt Canada wants his ass either. When Obama won, they probably sent Stephen a bottle of their native maple syrup with a note that said, "Eh! This is the closest you will get to our fair Canada! Eh!"

Stephen lied to us all by not leaving. That's not very Christian-like. In the wise words of the God Warrior, "HE IS NOT A CHRISTIIIIAAAAAAN." It also wasn't very Christian of him to get Hannah Montana's initials tattooed on his body. Ew and ew.

According to TMZ, at some White House event last year, Miley Cyrus dared Stephen to get Hannah Montana's initials tattooed somewhere on his busted body. If he did it, she would let him guest star on her show. Well, yesterday at one of his book signings in Nashville, Stephen showed Miley his tattoo. He went through his part of the deal so she has to get through hers. Miley agreed that she'd let him cameo on her show.

No, that's not creepy at all. Well, it's only her initials, Stephen could tell people it means something else. Horny Moron? Hobag Mangina? Humongous Motherfucker? The possibilities are endless.

And since I mentioned God Warrior, it would be dark-sided not to post her most shining moment:

Image: Pacific Coast News

Brad Pitt arrived a little early for the screening of his movie about a baby with old face last night in Los Angeles and all chaos broke out! Apparently, the paps got all aggressive and shit when they saw Brad. They've never seen a real-life (and taller) Boris Badenov before?

A security guard who was hired to protect Brad grabbed him and pulled him back to keep him away from the photographers. Brad apparently went with the flow. He later blamed the incident (if you can call it that) on the paps to People, "Though they were exceptionally more aggressive than usual, breaking through a security barrier and into a private holding area, ultimately [it was] just another day in the life..."

The security dude was just doing his job. We all would've done the same thing. Except, I would've grabbed Brad, held him tight, pushed him into a nearby janitor closet, turned off the lights, locked the door and dry humped him while singing "I Will Always Love You" until the police finally knocked the door down.

Image: BuzzFoto

Earlier, I posted some shit about Jenny Aniston telling Vogue Magazine that "what Angelina did was very uncool." I figured the comment was in response to the goddess using her vaginal powers to bring Brad Pitt to the dark side. Her comment really wasn't about that. She's saving that comment for the next movie she has to whore out.

UsWeekly reports that when the dude who interviewed Jenny for the magazine asked her about Saint Angie, she asked if he could turn off the tape recorder. Jenny then started ripping up her sofa cushions and pulling out her little ass hairs. When she was done with that, she wanted to talk about how she didn't think it was hot of Saint Angie to give a detailed timeline to the press on how she fell in love with Jen's then-husband on the set of "Mr. & Mrs. Smith."

Jenny said, "There was stuff printed there that was definitely from a time when I was unaware that it was happening. I felt those details were a little inappropriate to discuss. That stuff about how she couldn’t wait to get to work every day? That was really uncool."

Oh, Jen, it's called "rubbing it in your mug." Saint Angie meant for it to be more than "uncool," she meant it to be royally cunty.

Jenny said that she speaks to Brad every now and again just to say "hello" and to congratulate him on all his ten million babies. She forgot to mention that she sometimes calls him from a pay phone in Encino at 2am just to breathe heavily.

Maddox's arch rival also spoke about her relationship with manwhore John Mayer, "People need to mind their own business! Did you ever think Claudia Schiffer and David Copperfield made sense? Love just shows up." And when asked what she felt about him blabbing about dumper her ass, she said, "Trust me, you’ll never see that happen again from that man."

Trust me, we'll totally see it happen again and again. And I think her "love just shows up" quote got cut off. She went on to say, ".....after spending hours trolling eHarmony and finally realizing that you have to pay some douchebag for it."

P.S. - That cover needs a lot, lot, lot more Photoshop work. Specifically, Maddox's face pasted over hers.

Heigl gets close to a tiger. Tiger does not break through cage to bite her. Tiger has failed me - Popsugar

Lucy Pinder should join a nudist colony - Egotastic!

Gerald Butler with his ho of the minute - Just Jared

Nikki Cox's lips are still scaring little children - Hollywood Tuna

Hatchetface Rourke apologizes for using the fag word - Towleroad

Lil' Bow Wow's first fuck scene (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Orlando Bloom might be engaged - Hollywood Rag

Blake Lively has farty demon face on W Magazine - Lainey Gossip

Sophie Monk forgot to wear a bra - IDLYITW

Larry King is horny - Cityrag

Maggie Gyllenhag and Peter Sarsgaard showed up to some event at Moma in NYC last night looking like they were just discovered living in a cave in the mountains, surviving on snake piss, tarantula legs, lizard heads and bat peens. The Olsen trolls are probably filing a lawsuit right now against these two haggard bitches. They copyrighted the "mole people of the mountains" look.

If Maggie wanted to wear fur so badly, she should've just shaved off the 70s pussy bush from Peter's face and worn that shit instead.