The Crackie of Camden is on the loose in London tonight after spending a few days in THE CLINIC (dun dun dun) for some kind of "chest infection." (Cue eye rolls!) Wino was picked up by her daddy and friend Blake "not Blaaaake" Wood. Not Blaaake should've stayed at the hospital, because he looks like he could use a quickie with a defibrillator. After that, he needs an intimate dinner date with an IV for a couple of hours.
Being laid up in the hospital for a few days worked wonders on the little crackie. She actually looks sort of lifelike! Eating actual food instead of just feasting on crack smoke did her a little bit of good.
Even her ballet slippers look like they got a sponge bath. Now if she can just work on getting back in her crackhive's good graces again. That crackhive bitch got sick of Wino's shit and hit the road for less fucked-up pastures. I think it's hiding in Beyonce's wig closet. Wino should just sent it a Vermont Teddy Bear as an apology. That always works for me.
A vicar waddled into an emergency room at a hospital in Sheffield, UK complaining about a potato in his ass. (Note: The spud pictured is not the dildo tater in question even though it looks like it has butt bits on it.) The vicar used the oldest excuse in the butt fucking manual: he fell on it.
The clergyman said he was hanging up some curtains in the nude when he accidentally fell on a potato lying on the kitchen table behind him. That damn potato! It was just laying there, in his way, all lubed up and ready to go!
One of the nurses told The Sun that he insisted he wasn't doing butt sex with the potato. The potato doesn't swing that way. The vicar kept telling the hospital that he was simply decorating his windows while naked. Being nekkid probably brings out the Martha Stewart in him.
I don't know why he had to go to the hospital for this shit. If he was doing his daily sphincter exercises, like everyone should, he could have easily mashed that potato with his ass. Then he would've had a delicious side dish of mashed taters and ass gravy!
Vadge and A-Rod are continuing to bump dicks on the down low and are using friend's houses to do so. According to Page Six, last week Vadge and A-Rod tried to be all slick by traveling on two different helicopters to the Hamptons. One was probably for them and the other was for her ego.
Some source said that Vadge and A-Rod landed separately at different times. They were each picked up by one of the Seinfelds. Jessica picked up A-Rod and Jerry picked up Vadge. They all met up at Jerry's estate where they tag teamed Jessica. No, they are saving that for the next time.
A friend of Vadge's said she's been chummy with the Seinfelds for a while since they both live in the same neighborhood in Manhattan.
They only stayed four hours and left the same way they came.
Damn. That's a lot of work for a roidy call. A-Rod and Vadge probably barely spent any grossy grossy time together. For the first 2 hours, Vadge held a meeting with the Seinfelds and the staff to tell them the rules of her visit and what words they can use when speaking to her and how she takes her grains.
Then she went up to a bedroom with A-Rod and they arm wrestled for 90-minutes. They were supposed to go 2 hours, but Vadge went flaccid because she kept beating A-Rod.
A lot of work, for not a lot of action.
Next time they should just meet up at a motel that rents by the hour like normal people do. It's cheap, easy and there's usually enough used lube on the sheets, so you don't have to worry about bringing your own.
What in Sears Portrait Studio hell is this shit?! Maybe they are trying to scrimp on the budget so they bought a leftover pic from a Jessica Simpson photo shoot from Papa Joe. Then they copy and pasted our little Cheetoling's face right on top. They didn't even bother to fix the wonk in her eye! The bitches who put this mess together were definitely having a "fuck it" kind of day.
Britney.com also released the official tracklisting for this crap:
3. Out From Under
4. Kill The Lights
5. Shattered Glass
6. If U Seek Amy
7. Unusual You
9. Mmm Papi
11. Lace and Leather
12. My Baby
#9 sounds like a chola lullaby dedicated to Chester Cheetah. And #6 is totally about the Brit Brit of the UK, Amy Wino!!!
No, not the box of cornstarch named Kate Hudson. The hot airport bitch in the Bonnebell lipstick. This lady is no joke. Yesterday, while escorting Kate through LAX, she completely freaked out and cursed at all the pappies in her way.
This is the way all airport employees should act. Give this woman Employee of the Motherfucking Year! This video should be used during orientation to teach employees the correct way to behave in a tense situation. I mean, that's how I act in crowds and it usually works for me.
And why are the pappies losing their shit over Kate Hudson? Um.... They should have gone and taken a picture of Katherine Heigl, Drew Barrymore or Reese Witherspoon and tagged it Kate Hudson. It would've been the same ass thing, because all those broads are the same.
Clip of the chaos is below and you might want to turn down the volume unless you're craving a ringing in your ears.
Keeley Hazell shows all the skanks how Slutoween is really done - Egotastic!
Kendra Wilkinson had an accident - Hollywood Tuna
Robert Pattinson may dress like shit, but his hair is so sparkly - Lainey Gossip
Because you're already intimately acquainted with them, here's Kate Moss' nippies - IDLYITW
Isn't this how Avril and her d-bag husband always dress? (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Tracy Morgan is a true romantic - Mollygood
What to do if a Rhino escapes at a zoo - Towleroad
Katie Holmes has been going through Posh's shoe closet again - Just Jared
Fugly wonk-eyed lizard in London - Hollywood Rag
Twit and Twat both need to be locked up for life - Popsugar
Where's Sarah Palin? - I'm Not Obsessed
Leatherface Rourke wears pink panties - A Socialite's Life
Pete Wentz is on Emo Baby watch - ICYDK
A secret troll wedding - Celebitchy
Itty bitty New York City - Cityrag
Mackenzie Phillips will not be dressing as a sad little jailbird for Halloween this year. That's because a judge ordered her into an 18-month drug deferment program after she pleaded guilty for being a failed drug mule.
Julie Cooper was arrested in August at LAX after she was caught by airport security trying to smuggle balloons of coke and heroin in her pant leg. Maria Full of Grace she ain't!
The judge told her in court today that once she completes the program, he'll throw out her plea and the entire incident will disappear from her record. She told the court, "I want to thank the Los Angeles Police Department and the Airport Police for stopping me -- they saved my life." Mackenzie went on to say, "And party at my house! I have the party favors, you bring the hooch!" No...
Mackenzie is just in Los Angeles for a quick minute, because she's currently seeking treatment at a rehab facility in Louisiana. This is her 10th time in the tank. You know what they don't say, the tenth time's a charm!
TMZ also reports that the judge thought she was on "Diff'rent Strokes." She corrected him and said she was actually on "One Day at a Time." Mackenzie wasted a perfectly good "Watcha talkin' 'bout Willis" moment!!
The "Today" hosts dressed as fairytale characters this morning for Halloweenie and Meredith Vieira was supposed to be Pinocchio. Honestly, she looked more like the Treeman of Indonesia than Pinocchio. I bet you Treeman's peen looks like her nose.
Al Roker dressed as a sexually frustrated Gingerbread Man with one blue ball, Ann Curry was a "JLo version of Cinderella" (her words), Hoda Kotb was Old Red Riding Hood, Kathie Lee Gifford was her husband at a whore house and Matt Lauer dressed as his ego.
Always wanted to look like a leftover soggy fishstick without a deliciously flaky crust? Well, you're in luck! Fishstick Paltrow's latest Goop "rhymes with poop" newsletter is all about health!
Fishy says with the help of three doctors in London, NYC and Los Angeles, she's found ways to deal with some health problems including pneumonia, anemia, stress and stick-up-ass syndrome. Obviously, she still hasn't found a cure for the latter one.
Here's what Fishy and her doctors recommend:
Sleep eight hours for two weeks. If you need help use herbs like valerian and chamomile. (Note from MK: Does weed count?)
Police your thoughts and deal with your feelings constructively. Most of the background chatter in our mind is worrying, judging, criticizing, defending and complaining. (Note from MK: FUCK THAT!)
Eliminate all white foods including flour and sugar. (Note from MK: Does that include coke?)
Don't eat for 12 hours after your last meal.
After two weeks of sleeping and eating better, you'll have the energy to exercise. Begin as you like.
If you are totally out of shape. Start by walking 15 minutes a day and add a minute every day for the first month. At the end of a month, you'll be up to 45 minutes a day, which should make you ready for whatever more strenuous form of exercise you want to try.
Don't drink a lot of caffeine or alcohol. (Note from MK: This bitch is stupid!)
This explains why Fishy is a pretentious drip with the sense of humor of a slug. The bitch needs more booze and sugar in her life! I'm functioning just fine on a strict carbs and sugar-only diet. Yes, I constantly have the sugar shakes, but that's a form of exercise!
Click here to read Fishy's entire newsletter of poop.
Surprise everyone! "The King of the Hill" is on still on television....but not for long. Fox has dethroned the King after 13 seasons. There won't be a 14th season. Try not to cry. You'll ruin your slutty Hallopeen make-up.
Mike Judge and Greg Daniels created the show which premiered in 1997. They went on to do other crap, but Mike Judge still does voices for the show along with Brittany Murphy, Tommy Petty and other hos.
I don't think I've ever seen a full episode of this shit. I did meet a dude in a bar once and he claimed he worked on the show. I blew him in the back of his car, so I sort of contributed to the show in my own way.
For those of you that will miss seeing these hillbillies on TV, just remember that we'll always have Brit Brit.