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Mariah Carey took some kind of extra-large coat contraption and made it into a hoody. She covered up her fat head as she left her mother's store in Aspen. She needs to pull that sweater a few more inches down to cover up that hippo of hers. God, I'm mean. It's Christmas! Ok, Mimi is a gorgeous human being with a beautiful soul.

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Okay okay, he didn't break his ass but that sounds so much funnier than saying he broke his femur. The femur is close to the ass anyway, so I wasn't that far off. So...Arnold "The Governer" Schwarzenegger broke his femur while skiing with his family in Idaho over the weekend. He has returned to California and they will operate today to fix that problem.

His spokeswhore said, "I have spoken to the governor several times since the skiing accident occurred and he is very comfortable."

Arnold is expected to go on crutches for the next 8 weeks. I'm more surprised that Arnold actually gets on skis. That's like seeing an obese bear trying to hold his balance on a 1-inch piece of ribbon suspended 25-feet from the ground while holding a delicious pot of honey on his head. No wonder stupid ass broke his ass!

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Tara Reid must've scared thousands when she bared her frankentummy in the Caribbean over the weekend. I mean didn't she say that she fixed that thing? It doesn't look like she did. I know she's broke, but I'm sure the Humane Society will lend her the dough to get that fixed. It's obscene!

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Simon Cowell spent his Christmas holiday giving his pasty mantits some tanning in Barbados. He was joined by the hotness that is Michael Winner. Hmm...what wouldn't I give to be the pastrami and cheese in that hunk sandwich!

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Jacko is in town! Michael Jackson has already landed in the beautiful city of Las Vegas and purchased this beat down Spanish style home. Jacko is in town to work out a deal to perform a sitdown show at one of the casinos ala Celine Dion style. Jacko arrived with his kids on Saturday via private jet and immediately went to his new home.

He spent Christmas causing a riot at the Caesar forum shops. His 3 security guards couldn't control the crowd and Miss Jackson bolted after 15-minutes of shopping.

Las Vegas dealmaker Jack Wishna is apparently working with Jacko to bring something to Vegas next year. He said, "We are working on several projects. Michael is one of the greatest entertainers in the world. He is poised to return to the top of the entertainment world soon."

He should just save Caesar's some money and take over Celine's show as is. I mean he has the wigs and the figure. He can sort of sing like her. His legs would look much better in her gowns anyway.

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Kate Bosworth is a fug mess. That's basically all I have to say. She's like what, 23? She looks like she's out shopping for a perfect retirement community. Honestly, if you told me that this woman was 75, I'd believe you. Her mouth looks like it's missing its dentures. Her getup totally says retarded granny.

That being said, she's perfection.

I'm not sure if this is Sally Jesse Raphael or Carrie Fisher. Whoever it is, she's really working the sexy. Give me a break, it's a slow news week!

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James Brown's partner of over 5 years was locked out of her own home just hours after the death of James. Tomi Rae Hynie (lol Hynie) was also James's back-up singer. The two married in 2001, but the marriage was null because Hynie was married to another man. Hynie says that she was on a retreat when she learned of her husband's death. When she arrived at the couple's home she found the front gate padlocked and the security guard told her that she wasn't allowed inside due to orders from James' lawyers.

Buddy Dallas, one of his lawyers said, "It's not a reflection on her as an individual. I have not even been in the house, nor will I until appropriate protocol is followed."

Buddy said that because they weren't married she was merely a guest in his home. Hynie however does have a 5-year-old son with James and says she has a legal right to live there.

She said, "This is my home. I don't have any money. I don't have anywhere to go."

Hynie and James didn't have a perfect relationship. They apparently hadn't seen each other for weeks leading up to his death. James was also convicted for beating her ass in 2001.

Dramz! Here's another Anna Nicole Smith for you. Hynie should get something though, because she is the mother of his child. She gets points off for me though. Any good goldigger knows that you have to put some of his money to the side just in case of situations like this. She also should've rushed to his side when he was slowly dying and made him sign a grip load of documents. Dumb ho, it's her own fault!

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Lindsay Lohan made her way through LAX yesterday carrying a Gentlemen Prefer Blondes DVD and wearing a hospital bracelet. She probably goes to the hospital daily for a possible OD, so it's probably best for her just to keep it on. Less trouble that way. She also needs to clean the dirt under her finger nails. Ugh, she's rancid.

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Tyler Mane will play the iconic Michael Myers in a remake of the original Halloween. Rob Zombie is writing and directing the remake. Malcolm McDowell has already been cast as Dr. Loomis.

Rob Zombie said, "I'm sure you all remember Tyler as Rufus from 'The Devil's Rejects,' Sabretooth in the 'X-Men' and the unstoppable Ajax in 'Troy. Tyler is mean, lean and ready to bring you the most psychotic Michael Myers yet."

Production begins shortly with a August 31, 2007 release.

This is going to suck so hard. I won't be surprised if it goes straight to Cinemax. I mean Rob Zombie can't make a horror movie to save his life. They should've cast Jacko as Michael Myers, he's way scarier and they'd save money on the mask!

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