The last time we checked on What Dumb Thing Did Lindsay Lohan Do Now?, the Apricot Ashtray was serving up some busted Photoshop by Salvador Dali skills in an Instagram selfie. Although technically, the last dumb thing she did was trying to deny Dina Lohan the chance of Celebrity Big Brother stardom, but that didn’t happen on the internet, so it doesn’t count (yes, I’m sure Dina later tried to mash her most sober hand against the screen of her iPad in an attempt to curse her out over Skype, but that’s neither here nor there).
Once again, Lindsay’s dumb thing happened on Instagram, but it didn’t involve taking the liquify tool to her body. On Monday, LiLo posted a picture of some Arabic writing with the words “You’re beautiful” in English below it.
The only problem is, the actual translation is “You’re a donkey”. Once freckles realized what happened, she yanked the pic. Frankly, I’m more shocked she spelled “you’re” correctly.
As far as I know, Lindsay Lohan only speaks two languages (English and Lying), so I can’t really swat at her for fucking up the translation of something. It happens! Google translate is a sneaky bitch who will steer you wrong every time. Do you know how many times I’ve tried to translate “I love you” into Polish, only to have one of my relatives inform me that, no, they don’t have access to a “wig plunger” or a “smiling kielbasa“? A lot. The answer is a lot.
But I wonder if she did actually mean “You’re a donkey.” Did she tag her father? It would make sense – he is an ass.
Here’s aspiring motivational Instagram speaker Lindsay Lohan serving up trampy real estate agent Barbie realness (I don’t hate it) while sashaying around London last week:
Alternate title: Just another Thursday night at the Lohan-Major house. Seen above in her most recent post-fight selfie, Kate Major and her husband of 5 months Michael Lohan are at it again, and by it, I of course mean being next-level life messes. Don’t worry, I’ll wait while you wipe the look of fake shock off your face.
TMZ says that on Thursday night, Kate Major proved that she’s coming for Lindsay Lohan’s crown as Messiest Lohan (“Here, you can have it – I tried to pawn it last week, but they told me vodka labels wrapped around American Spirit boxes was worthless” said Lindsay over Skype from an internet cafe in London) by getting drunk and pulling some Street Fighter moves on Michael. Michael claims Kate came home drunk last night and they started fighting, which turned into brawling, which turned into Kate whipping out her legendary acrylic porn star blow job nail tips and scratching him up like a cat on a new couch.
Any trick who says that getting contact drunk isn’t possible has never gotten drunk while staring at that picture.
The producers of Celebrity Big Brother in the UK must have sprained every muscle in their arm, because they have climbed to the top of the highest ladder and are reaching far for the brightest, biggest and A-listiest stars of Hollywood. Case in point: They want Lindsay Lohan’s former pimp Dina Lohan to join the cast. So yeah, when I said that they are reaching for the stars, what I meant is that they are going way beyond the bottom of the barrel. They have picked up the barrel, turned it around and are picking off the worms that cling to its bottom. They might as well change the name of Celebrity Big Brother to Not Even Close To A Celebrity Big Brother.
A source tells TMZ (FYI: “A source” in Latin means “Dina Lohan“) that White Oprah really, really wants to do Celebrity Big Brother, but Lindsay Lohan really, really wants her to turn it down. White Oprah apparently called LiLo on Thursday to tell her the news and you’d think she’d be happy. I mean, White Oprah finally got an actual job that pays actual money for a few weeks. But LiLo isn’t having it. LiLo feels like she’s finally gotten her shit together and if White Oprah comes to England, that mess will fuck it all up for her. LiLo thinks that her mom is a bad luck charm and that foolery follows her wherever she goes. They fought over the phone and then continued to slap at each other through texts.
White Oprah doesn’t think that LiLo can ban her from a country, so she’s planning to go to England anyway.
I see what’s really going on here. It’s pure jealousy at work. How dreadful. LiLo is obviously mad that the producers asked her mom instead of her. LiLo’s thoughts continue to be powered by delusion. Why would the producers ask her? They would never get insurance and they’d have to build a hospital next to the CBB house to treat all the bitches who LiLo hits on the head with a bottle. Besides, White Oprah’s grace, elegance, sophistication and charismatic star power will really class that show up!
And well, we can expect England to declare war on America for sending not one, but two, cracked out messes of mass destruction.
If you know someone who runs one of those charities that donates eyeglasses to the needy, now would be the time to point them in the direction of Lindsay Lohan, because bitch is clearly going blind if she can’t see how truly messy those stairs are behind her.
Yesterday, the itchy drug-resistant rash America gave to England posted a picture of herself wearing one of those waist trainers to Twitter. And just like the last time she tried to post a sexy body selfie, the right side of her body was lousy with janky Photoshop fuckery and a bunch of people called her ass out for it. Sidebar: you know you’re dealing with a truly busted photo when the giant pair of pastel green spandex-wrapped pussy lips aren’t thing first thing your eyes are drawn to.
Of course, once the Apricot Ashtray realized that she’d been caught trying to shrink her waist with the liquify tool, she yanked the picture. A little while later, she uploaded it once again, this time with a set of stairs that didn’t look like they weren’t built by Salvador Dali. But it was too late. Everyone already saw those warped stairs and floor tiles. Sweet Jesus, those floor tiles! If that’s not the result of shitty Photoshop, then HGTV’s Scott McGillivray better get his hot ass to whatever severely flood-damaged basement Lohan took this picture in and fix it.
How many times does this kind of crap have to happen before famous vain types will finally learn to stop posing in front of stairs if they plan on sneakily Photoshopping the hell out of themselves? Stairs will rat you out every time!
On Tuesday night, the cold sore England caught from America Lindsay Lohan went to a Kanye West concert in Paris. That’s actually not the dumb thing Lindsay Lohan did, although it is pretty dumb, since going to a Kanye West ‘concert’ usually means paying too much money to stand around in a crowd of dum dums listening to Kanye scream his delusional bus rantings through a microphone. The dumb thing is actually what she did after the show. The Apricot Ashtray posted a picture of Kanye’s concert to Instagram with the caption:
“#kanye&kimAlldaynigga$ fun show #PFW#goodpeople=goodlife all from good moms!!!!!! @dinalohan @krisjenner”
Shortly after she posted it, several Instagram users shot that freckled mess a ‘ho, NO’ side-eye and slapped at her for using the n-word, so she quickly deleted “nigga$” and re-captioned it: “#kanye&kimAllday fun show #PFW #goodpeople=goodlife all from good moms!!!!!! @dinalohan @krisjenner“. That sneaky trick tried to pretend it never happened. But because it happened on the internet, the original caption was screen grabbed and bitch was busted.
Today, a rep for Lindsay (hi Dina! Don’t stand up too fast or you’ll get the spins) released a statement to The Daily Mail saying that “She is a friend of his, it is his new song, her intention was not to offend anyone and she apologizes.”
Now if only she’d issue a statement regarding the rest of the words in that caption. Good people? All from good moms?? Excuse you, but you owe reality an apology.
And in “What Is Lindsay Lohan Causing Possible Damage To Now” news. London’s current problem Lindsay Lohan is currently unemployed (unless you count juggling lawsuits as a job, in which case bitch is working overtime), which means she has a lot more time to take pictures of herself apropos of nothing. So on Saturday she Tweeted a picture of herself looking like a down-on-her-luck Carmen Sandiego two days before the rent is due with the caption: “Break the Internet with clothes on
I’m not sure Lindsay knows how the internet works, because if every picture of a nearly-topless tramp in 10lbs of fake hair could break the internet, Instagram would have already shattered the internet worse than Mama June’s knee cartilage. Or maybe this is just one of the Apricot Ashtray’s classic grifts. First she claims the internet was broken when she got it, then demands she receive a new internet plus a full refund of her money and a handful of coupons. I used to work retail, I know how damaged goods scams work.
Speaking of damaged goods, she also took a picture of her hanging out with the President of the Diskount Hooker Warehouse Kris Jenner and the Kardashian family’s official spackle applicator Joyce Bonelli:
That sound you just heard was the internet cracking under the weight of PMKs thirsty fame whore game.
BREAKING: For the first time in what seems like an eternity, a judge has actually sort-of punished Lindsay Lohan for something shady. The NY Daily News says that a Manhattan judge took a legal swipe at the Apricot Ashtray and her little brother Michael Lohan Jr. on behalf of their former business partner Fima Potik. In case you have trouble keeping Lindsay Lohan’s current legal problems straight, this is the one about LiLo and her brother getting sued by their former business partner for ripping off a fashion app and marketing it as their own. So basically, stealing (aka the Lohan grift of choice).
On Wednesday, the judge ruled that LiLo, her brother, and their business partner (who isn’t actually just a wine-drunk Dina wearing a top hat and calling herself Mrs. Mister Monopoly, but a dude named Christopher Roth) had to pump the brakes on their app company, Vigme, and hit them with a temporary restraining order to make sure they actually do it, since we all know a Lohan’s word is about as good as a week-old donut.
In turn, the judge said that Potik must compensate LiLo, Mikey Jr., and Christopher Roth against any possible losses by putting up a cash bond of $100,000 within five days. That sound you just heard was a ball of coagulated self-tanner hitting the floor after LiLo heard the words “cash” and “$100,000″ and shit herself. Additionally, both parties still have to give sworn depositions.
Just to recap, Lindsay Lohan currently has three messy piles of legal dog poo festering on the Wee Wee Pad of her life. There’s this app drama, that community service drama, and the defamation lawsuit her and her mother threw at FOX News. I don’t know if Dick Wolf is interested in doing another Law & Order spin-off, but there’s definitely enough material for Law & Order: Freckled Court-Clogging Grifters.
Lindsay Lohan Thinks Her Acting Is A Gift To The Community And She Should Get Credit For It (UPDATE)
Lindsay Lohan is still scrambling to do whatever she can to keep the judge in L.A. from declaring that she violated probation by not completing 240 community service hours. LiLo already tried to pass off stage door “meet and greets” and letting kids follow her around all day as community service. She also got Esurance to donate $10,000 to CSV, the London-based community service organization that is keeping track of her hours. Well, now TMZ is saying that LiLo tried to count her performance in Speed-The-Plow as community service. Yes, LiLo keeps finding ways to redefine the definition of shameless, but I don’t even know why she’s trying. She could flip off the judge while saying, “Here’s proof of my community service hours, Judge Cunty McEatMe,” and the judge would still let her go and probably sentence themselves to jail for wasting her time.
Lindsay Lohan is going back to her home away from the Chateau Marmont, an L.A. courtroom, tomorrow, to show the judge that she completed all 240 hours of her community service. The prosector Terry White has been going over the hours that LiLo supposedly completed through a London-based organization called Community Service Volunteers and he squinted his eyes over her trying to pass off meet-and-greets with audience members after Speed-The-Plow as community service. LiLo also tried to say that letting “disadvantaged youth” follow her around should count as a service to the community. LiLo has a point. If those kids were told, “Whatever she did, do the opposite and you’ll be fine,” after following her around, then that truly is community service. Now TMZ is saying that LiLo has brought Esurance into her schemes.
Look at those two stunning pastel yellow angels; I bet that’s the first image that greets your eyes when you approach the gates of Heaven.
E! says that human cigarette Lindsay Lohan and the flawless icon of wino glamour who birthed her Dina Lohan are spending some quality mother-daughter bonding time by suing Fox News together. It all started back in February 2014 on an episode of Hannity, where Sean Hannity and some of his Fox pals were discussing the recent drug overdose of Philip Seymour Hoffman, before debating who might be next (stay classy, Fox News). That’s when Hannity panel guest Michelle Fields threw out Lindsay Lohan’s name and saying “Lindsay’s mom is doing cocaine with her.”