Lindsay Lohan Personally Handled Whitney Houston’s Body Bag, So Says Lindsay Lohan (UPDATE)

September 14, 2014 / Posted by:

UPDATE: The L.A. County Coroner’s Office tells TMZ that LieLo is lying. Whitney was never in a body bag and nobody from the probation department went near her body. So throw this one on the mountain of crack delusions from the mind of Lindsay Lohan.

It’s been a long time (read: like 5 minutes) since the freckled bag of delusion spit out a lie-stuffed crack rock and she’s really making up for lost lies by shitting out a big one.

When LiLo violated her probation in 2011 by drunk driving, she was sentenced to four months of community service in the L.A. County Morgue. They sent her to work in the morgue, because they wanted her to see the place she’d send people if she kept drunk driving and because corpses lack this thing called “being alive” which means they can sort of stand being around her. While talking to The Telegraph about that play in London she’s going to get fired from, her time in the morgue was brought up and LiLo said that it was inappropriate for the courts to send her there. A lot of people actually agree with her, because dead people have been through enough. LiLo also made the spirit of Nippy slap the coke buzz out of her head by saying that she personally rolled Whitney Houston’s body bag. This bitch would name drop the names of dead people for attention:

The California courts had decided that her sentence for drink driving and violation of probation should include not only jail time but 12-hour shifts in a morgue. For four months, she worked from 4am to 4pm. It was, as she puts it, “F’d up and inappropriate – because a lot of other people were meant to do it, and they were like: ‘No, they can’t handle it. Lohan can.’ It’s different for me than it would be for other people – like, no one would really have to work at the morgue in LA and roll a body bag for Whitney Houston.”

I’m assuming that this mess means she just rolled a body bag and didn’t actually handle Whitney Houston’s body. If LiLo was allowed anywhere near Nippy’s body, we’d know it. First of all, she’d tweet selfies of her with Nippy’s dead body and TMZ would’ve thrown up a story about how Whitney Houston’s internal organs went missing and it seems like something or someone snorted all the blood out of her body.

To quote Whitney, “Lindsay, I wanna see the receipts!” LiLo probably can’t show us the receipts because the black kid’s got ‘em. So instead I’ll show the receipts that prove that LiLo is most likely doing what she does worst: LIE! Here’s pictures of LiLo with The Curious Case of Ali Lohan and her brother in NYC on Saturday, February 11, 2012, the day that Whitney Houston died 2,800 miles away in Beverly Hills, CA.

Pics: Splash

Lindsay Lohan Is Getting Sued For The 1,394,244th Time

September 7, 2014 / Posted by:

Stop me if you’ve heard this one (no really, stop me – I CAN’T with this felonious freckled grifter anymore). Lindsay Lohan has once again turned a shady trick on the wrong person and now she’s getting sued, except this time she’s also dragging her younger brother Michael Jr. into it. Congrats on your first lawsuit, Michael Jr., you’re officially your father’s son!

Page Six says that shortly after she left rehab last year, the Apricot Ashtray and her younger brother started working with tech entrepreneur Fima Potik on a mobile app called Spotted Friend, which would allow people to poke around in Blohan’s virtual closet and see the kind of designer shit she’s virtually stolen. She even started prom0ting her new tech venture on Twitter back in July 2013, because she’s basically the coked-up version of Steve Jobs. But just like everything Lindsay gets involved in (singing, fashion design, sobriety) she lost interest and Spotted Friend became just another hazy memory (like sobriety). Continue reading »

Lindsay Lohan Will Only Sit At A Table Full Of Dudes

September 3, 2014 / Posted by:

Because the organizers of the GQ Men of the Year Awards in London knew that they needed a fresh-scented, pristine dewdrop to counter the trash skankness wafting off of Kim Kartrashian, they invited Lindsay Lohan to their event at the Royal Opera House last night. LiLo should feel lucky and grateful to be invited to an MD 20/20-sponsored Girls & Corpses Magazine party held in the back room of an off-track betting place in a strip mall LET ALONE a GQ party, but she was still a rusty, freckled thorn in everyone’s right ass lip. Because she’s Lindsay Lohan and that’s what she does.

A source tells The Daily Mirror (via Contact Music) that before the Men of the Year Awards, LiLo’s “people” (read: White Oprah calling from the bar phone at T.G.I. Friday’s because she didn’t want to pay for long distance) demanded that her table be completely free of cooch.

”Lohan’s people were clear that she wanted to be on a table during the lengthy awards surrounded by men. She gets on better with guys and had spent time putting together a sexy look so she wanted to be admired.”

If LiLo really wanted to fill her table with people delusional enough to admire her beauty, she should’ve demanded to be seated with her own family members or a bunch of mirrors.

I can’t throw hate at LiLo for this. Most of us always want to sit at a table full of peen.

First of all, she’s gotta start putting together another celebrity slam piece list to sell to InTouch Weekly and that list isn’t going to fuck and write itself. Second of all, LiLo doesn’t see a table full of just dudes, she sees a table full of potential meal vodka tickets. LiLo demanding to be surrounded by guys isn’t a diva bitch move, it’s a smart business decision!

Lindsay Lohan Is Living With An Investment Banker And His Young Kids, So Says InTouch Weekly

August 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Hmmm, what could ever go wrong?

Bad news for hoteliers and sheiks, Lindsay Lohan is no longer available 24 hours a day for all their escorting needs, because she’s shacking up with one of her regulars. InTouch Weekly says that in between terrorizing London and rehearsing for the play that she’ll drop out of 10 minutes before the first performance after she suddenly gets “the flu,” LiLo met an older investment banker type named Patrick Mahony and he’s moved her into his house where he lives with his two young daughters. The source says that LiLo and her sugar daddy are playing house and she’s really bonding with his daughters. That giant wind storm that just blew through England was from every Child Protective Services social worker sighing, because their case load is about to get heavier.

“She’s living with him. Lindsay helps the kids take baths. She really pitches in looking after them, and the girls really like her. She’s finally in a mature relationship with a really grounded guy.”

If this is true, I’m sure it’ll end with LiLo trying to trade his kids for half of an Adderall and a Marlboro Light in the parking lot of a Tesco, but I’m sure they’ll all make beautiful memories together before that happens. Patrick’s daughters will forever remember the time that LiLo gently rubbed their bellies while barking at them in a hushed voice to hurry up and shit out the diamond and gold rings she made them swallow during a “browsing” trip to Cartier.

Here’s the future Stepmother of the Year doing the Ice Bucket Challenge on The Tonight Show last night. I don’t know who nominated her, but I’m guessing it was the CDC, because they figured it was one way to try to get her to take a shower. Well played, CDC!

FYI to the haters out there: LiLo also donated to ALS. She sent them a coupon for 1 complimentary blow job (a $10 value), thankyouverymuch! I’m sure that’s more than your asses donated!

Lindsay Lohan Says She Never Talks Shit About Anyone, Proceeds To Talk Shit About James Franco

August 15, 2014 / Posted by:

World-famous freckled liar Lindsay Lohan gave an interview to the Daily Mail, and I bet you already know where I’m going with this, right? You’re like “Yes Allison, we know, she told them all about how she’s totally sober and wants to get back to work and hasn’t missed a single rehearsal for Speed-The-Plow and how the producers fired her understudy because the Apricot Ashtray is doing such an amazing job, right?” And guess what? You’re WRONG! She didn’t mention a single thing about being sober or showing up to rehearsals, because she was saving all her lies for a long-ass conversation about her former fuck partner and human greasy feeling James Franco. Continue reading »

Tyra’s Impression Of Lindsay Lohan Needs To Have 50% More Smoker Voice And 100% More Drunk

August 6, 2014 / Posted by:

I know this is Tyra Banks doing an impression of Lindsay Lohan, but it also looks like Tyra Banks doing an impression of Tyra Banks trying to pull a clump of weave hair from the shower drain. Smize and yank, bitch!

Trya (typo that stays) was on Watch What Happens Live last night with toe-tapping human-looking snapping turtle Derek Hough and in between talking about the head of Victoria’s Secret doing her dirty by denying her a lifetime’s supply of underwear and hustling RuPaul for a guest spot on Drag Race (she means as a contestant, right?), she got around to talking about the biggest achievement in her 23-year career: the made-for-TV Disney film, LIFE SIZE. Specifically, how she’s currently working on writing and producing (and starring in and directing and composing the score and running the craft service truck) the sequel, Life Size 2.

Eventually, someone called in and asked Tyra the most important question about Life Size 2: has she taken any acting lessons since she shot the original Life Size. NO! They asked Tyra if her co-star Lindsay Lohan would be returning for the sequel. Tyra said that she hasn’t talked to Lindsay about it, but that it might be difficult to get her to come back. She was 11-years-old when she filmed the first Life Size, and now – as Tyra says – she’s a woman who probably doesn’t play with Barbies anymore:

That was quite possibly the kindest impression I have ever seen, because there was 0% of Lindsay Lohan in it. Tyra’s eyes were open (wrong) and she was coherent (wrong). She didn’t appear to have a stomach filled with crushed-up pills and vodka (wrong) or try to convince anyone she was sober and ready to get back to work (wrong).

But that was kind of Tyra to pretend they were ever interested in having Lindsay return for the sequel. Unless there’s a part for a tired-looking messy booze-chugging party rat who steals Barbie dolls and melts down their hair to get high, there’s no room for LiLo in Life Size 2.

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Michael Lohan Says Shit Is Getting All Kinds Of Messy For Kate Major In Jail

August 4, 2014 / Posted by:

Here we go again; Michael Lohan is a drama-loving attention-seeking mess, take 8,303,472 (in the words of the great Mr. Lahey, the shit apple doesn’t fall far from the shit apple tree). According to TMZ, Lindsay’s deadbeat dad claims that his pregnant girlfriend Kate Major (seen above looking like Smurfette and Gargamel after 2-for-1 tequila night at Señor Frogs) is having a super shitty time in jail for her DUI. Michael says that Kate’s vagina has started bleeding on two separate occasions, but when she goes to the infirmary, they give her an ultrasound and tell her she’s fine. Michael is pissed off that the jail didn’t call in a specialist or rush Kate’s ass to the hospital, and Dr. Michael Lohan OB-GYN tells TMZ:

“You know damn well if someone has vaginal bleeding while pregnant that’s indicative of a miscarriage.”

Damn, those Lohans love to throw around the word “miscarriage”, don’t they? Again, shitty apple, shitty apple tree. Michael is also pissed that the jail has forced Kate to “carry her property back to her room” while bleeding from her down-lows. Oh my god, they made Kate carry her own things?? Who’s her CO, Pornstache? Anyways, Michael thinks something in the prison pruno ain’t clean and he’s hired Casey Anthony’s attorney Jose Baez to fight for a court order to have Kate treated properly.

I really hope that Michael Lohan’s attorney is able to get that court order, because I know that if Kate was seen by a professional doctor, he’d take one look at her medical history, see that she already has one child with Michael Lohan and is pregnant with another, determine that she’s clearly insane (she willingly fucked Michael Lohan, after all) and request she be transferred from jail to a psych ward. Then when she gives birth to Major-Lohan Baby No. 2, they can quickly whisk the baby away to a neonatal support group for newborns with extremely fucked up parents. Everybody wins!

Oh, It’s Just Lindsay Lohan’s Floppy Freckled Titty Popping Out To Say Hello

July 30, 2014 / Posted by:

I’m not sure why, but I just pictured that floppy tit speaking in a charming Cockney accent. “Allo luv! Fancy meeting you ‘ere! Don’t mind me, just ‘avin a wee snooze in the sun before Coronation Street.” 

Mermaids everywhere officially hung up their seashell bras and retired today after Lindsay Lohan was spotted strolling a beach in Ibiza looking like a sloppy-titted sea siren. And by sea siren, I mean she set off the siren that alerts beach visitors that the sea has been contaminated by toxic self-tanner sludge and random clumps of orange hair and the beach will be closed until further notice. No! She really does look like a mermaid; like Ariel, if Ariel sold her voice to Ursula for two baggies of coke instead of two legs.

Seeing the Apricot Ashtray slithering around the beaches of Ibiza with her floppy freckled pancakes hanging out makes me feel a lot of things (queasy, nauseous, dry heave-y) but mostly it makes me feel sorry for Ibiza. First Orlando Bloom gets into a dramatic douche fight Justin Bieber in a nightclub, and now Lindsay Lohan is assaulting eyes by serving up a heaping helping of sloppy side boob in one of White Oprah’s trashy old stretched-out Body Glove bathing suits from the 80s. Poor Ibiza; when did you become the Florida of Europe?

And speaking of Florida, apparently there are people in Ibiza who are dumb enough to let Lindsay operate a jet ski. It probably took her all of 10 minutes before she whipped out her phone, started texting her dealer, and rear-ended a dolphin. Then when the cops came to arrest her, she tried to blame it on a starfish. Wait, can you get a DUI on a jet ski? I’m sure Lindsay will find a way.

Pics: Fame Flynet

BREAKING: Lindsay Lohan Showed Up To An Event And Didn’t Look Like A Total Mess

July 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Something strange happened on Saturday night. Human hangover Lindsay Lohan was scheduled to appear at a press conference for The White Party in Linz, Austria, and she managed to arrive looking semi-sober, semi-clean, and standing upright. WHAT IS THIS SORCERY?!? The Lindsay Lohan I know always looks like a trampy Cheeto that just woke up in a litter box filled with cigarette butts and day-old jizz and cat turds. I can’t remember the last time she didn’t resemble the Poison Cackler from Fraggle Rock.

But this Lindsay Lohan…I have no idea what’s going on here. Her hair doesn’t look like the tangled tails of a ginger rat king. Her face isn’t caked in 8 layers of rancid orange smegma and coke residue. Her toxic tar-scented vodka breath didn’t immediately wilt the bouquet of roses in her arms. Lindsay Lohan actually looks…good? Is good-ish a word? Good-adjacent maybe?

But before you say goodbye to your loved ones and die of shock, the Apricot Ashtray only managed to stay cleaned up for about 0.00003 seconds before she started morphing back into the rode-hard put-away filthy Lindsay we know and love. Lindsay left the press conference, went back to her hotel, took a whore’s bath, snorted 100 lines of coke cut with crystallized battery acid, and arrived to The White Party looking like this:

Lindsay Lohan At 'Weisses Fest 2014'

Let’s see: giant green bruise on her arm, floppy freckled tit hanging out of her dress, skin like a slimy 2-week-old rotten jack-o-lantern, hair that’s been styled with a melted suppository, overusing bronzer to the point where it looks like a homeless Mr. Hankey is squatting under her cheekbone. Yep, that’s our Lindsay! Reunited and it feeeels so gooood!

But I think I can see where it all started to go wrong. As you can see in the pictures below, Linds starts out looking normal, then sits down at a table in front of a microphone, where she proceeds to get more and more Lohan-y in the face. You don’t have to be a Detective La Toya to guess that clearly the microphone was made of coke and she ate it. Mystery solved!

Pics: Splash, FameFlynet

Lindsay Lohan Promises She Won’t Miss A Single Performance Of Speed-The-Plow (Uh Huh)

July 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Noted lying enthusiast Lindsay Lohan isn’t exactly in the position to be writing checks her ass can’t cash (literally, bitch is the human definition of non-sufficient funds) and yet she’s gone ahead and made the bold claim to BBC News that she won’t miss a single rehearsal or performance of the London revival of Speed-the-Plow. You hear that, Speed-the-Plow producers? Go ahead and return the mangy orange tabby you adopted from the SPCA, because the Apricot Ashtray don’t need no understudy!

But asked if she would be penalised for missing shows or rehearsals in London, she told the BBC: “That’s not going to happen.”

“That’s not on the cards. It’s not. I’m at a place in my life where I like the commitment. I’m looking forward to that part of it.”

The only thing LiLo likes more than bailing on responsibilities is swindling people out of cash, so I have no doubt that crafty ashtray will find a way to get her freckled ass to work. Every day at 4pm, her assistant will call 1-800-GOT-JUNK and tell them that a 120lb pile of orange trash needs to be removed from Lindsay’s hotel room and taken to The Playhouse theatre. Then a group of London rats will carry a passed-out LiLo into her dressing room, where she’ll wait for the director to find her with a note pinned to her shirt that reads: “I’m here! Pay up, bitches.” Remember, she didn’t promise she’d do a good job, just that she wasn’t going to miss a show. That sneaky loophole-finding LiLo.

Lindsay also warned BBC News that she is planning on moving to London because people see her as a ~serious~ actress there:

“For a long time, people looked at me as kind of a celebrity, which is something I never wanted. That’s not what I got into this industry for…People kind of forgot that, and I think now is a good time. And what better than to do it with the great people that I’m working with on stage in London…so that people can focus on the fact that I’m in this industry because I’m an actress and an artist and not just someone you take photos of?”

Yeah right. She’s probably moving to London because she saw an episode of Simon in the Land of Chalk Drawings and wants to find out where she can get her hands on the super-powerful shit that lets him talk to pictures.

Here’s more of LiLo in London having brunch (aka breakfast cocktails) with her friends on Saturday morning. Damn, even when she cleans up, she still looks rough. I feel like Oliver and the rest of his Dickensian street urchin pals would be like “Oh shit, you touched LiLo? Go wash your hands.”

Pics: Splash

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