Color Me An Apricot Shade Of Shocked: Lindsay Lohan Managed To Complete Her Community Service In Time (UPDATE)
Well, it’s official: time travel has been discovered, and the first person to use it correctly is that sneaky sunset-colored con artist Lindsay Lohan so she could go back in time and complete 15 days worth of community service hours before her court date this morning. I don’t know how she did it, but according to TMZ, she did it. This is surely one of the signs of the end times, and I just got really, really nervous.
TMZ says that Community Serve Volunteers in London will send a letter to Lindsay’s lawyer Shawn Holley confirming that she has completed all 240 hours of her required community service. If you see the person in charge of writing reference letters at Community Service Volunteers wearing a fur coat and carrying a self tanner-stained Birkin bag, you’ll know why. NO! I’m sure the Apricot Ashtray didn’t do anything shady to get that letter. She totally got that letter fair and square by busting her ass and servicing the community.
LiLo’s completion of her delinquent community service hours means that she doesn’t have to worry about going back to jail. Please join me in a round of boisterous laughter, because we all know that would never happen. Besides, jail doesn’t want her – they already have a hard enough time keeping jail clean without having to worry about yanking a 27-inch long clump of busted orange hair extensions from the shower drain every morning.
And now that all this messy community service business is behind her, LiLo can finally get back to her true passion: going on vacation!
UPDATE: Radar says the prosecutor who met with Shawn Holley in court this morning is calling shenanigans on LiLo’s community service hours. Apparently LiLo listed a bunch of dates she was stuck in the hospital dealing with that Chikungunya virus as days she logged community service hours. And TMZ says she apparently tried to pass off greeting fans after a performance of Speed-The-Plow as community service. Oh LiLo, you know you’re next-level lazy when you can’t even be bothered to lie properly.
And I’m sure if you were to ask her how many days 15 is, she’d throw up the same number of fingers as above and go “I dunno, this many? Who cares. What is this, the SATs? Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get Dina this many boxes of wine so she can take this many naps.”
So, tomorrow is January 28th. For most of us, January 28th is just a regular Wednesday. But for Lindsay Lohan, January 28th is the day she’s supposed to have all her delinquent community service hours completed. And surprise sur-fucking-prise, she’s been too busy partying and poorly Photoshopping half-naked selfies to get them done. However, that won’t stop her from trying! According to TMZ, Lindsay went to the Community Service Volunteers in London on Friday and Saturday to finish the 15 days worth of community service hours she couldn’t complete over the holidays because she was “sick” with that Chikungunya virus. They say her plan was to go again on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, but in classic LiLo fashion, LiLo said fuck it, and went to couture week in Paris instead.
According to Page Six, Lindsay spend Saturday night at a club called Le Titty Twister and didn’t leave till 5am. Then she spent Sunday at a Saint Laurent fashion show. No word on what she did yesterday and today, but I’m going to go out on a limb and guess “not community service”. But don’t count the Apricot Ashtray out yet! TMZ says Lindsay is confident she can get all her community service done by tomorrow. Tomorrow. She thinks she can get it all done by tomorrow. Oh my god, drugs and booze have melted her brain worse than we thought.
Now, I’m not a lawyer, but I feel like she should be honest when she strolls into court tomorrow and tell the judge she was at a club in Paris. Technically, she was performing a type of community service; I can’t think of a better way to discourage excessive partying than being approached at a club at 5am by 28-year-old woman who looks like a 48-year-old mop asking to bum a couple smokes in exchange for a Teen Choice Award.
Well, hello! MK asked me to write some posts! The word is that his celebrating of DListed’s 10th anniversary went next level and he’s feeling it today. And by “next level,” I mean he upgraded from his usual celebratory Andre to Verdi Sparkletini (the Spumante kind) and broke out the “nice” bong. Party!
Lindsay Lohan mustered her last reserves of strength to rise from her deathbed in London, yoke her freckle juiced-asscheeks into a Calvin Klein thong, and cheese it for Instagram. The caption read “#mycalvins are helping me fight off my chikungunya hehe”. “Hehe” indeed, Lohan. Calvin Klein’s looking at this on his laptop, and he just nudged the sexually confused 18-year-old swim team captain beside him in bed to join in a “hehe” over her desperate ploy to book a campaign with him.
Well, Photoshop apparently quit this bitch mid-project because this looks highly unfinished. “American Horror Story Freak Show” shouldn’t be your choice of filter. Your ass shouldn’t be sharp. You shouldn’t be able to grate cheese or exfoliate faces with your nalgas. Jamie Lynn Spears shouldn’t be able to use your serrated ass to fend off bitches.What’s happening with the Adobe-shaped bites to your midsection? Did Beyonce finally fire her Photoshop-challenged social media flunky and that poor bastard had to find work with this mess? She looks like the first girl on stage at a body modification-themed peeler bar.
I guess “It’s the mosquito’s fault!” is the new “The black kid was driving!”
Yes, we’re doing this again. Well, the joke’s on all of us whores who thought that Lindsay Lohan was actually to leave the delusion and self-entitlement in 2014 and shock the world by actually getting her shit together.
TMZ says that on Wednesday, we may get another court room fashion show, because LiLo is supposed to show her face in front of a judge after she allegedly didn’t complete all of her community service hours. LiLo had until November 6, 2014 to show the court that she finished all 240 hours of her community service. But on that day, her lawyer Shawn Holley could only prove that she did half of those hours. The judge gave LiLo until next Wednesday to complete all 240 hours, but a source tells TMZ she isn’t even close to finishing.
The judge in L.A. allowed LiLo to do her community service in London. LiLo’s excuse is that the community service center in London was closed for 2 weeks for the holidays. She was going to finish her hours after the center opened up again, but she got struck down with that Chumbawamba virus and ended up in the hospital. As TMZ points out, LiLo got the virus while vacationing in Bora Bora instead of doing her community service in London.
TMZ says that LiLo could end up in jail if she doesn’t finish all her community service by January 28th.
Oh please, the chance of me getting knocked up with Prince Hot Ginge’s baby is greater than the chance of Lindsay Lohan going to jail. The judge will probably let her go after she argues that she did Speed-The-Plow in London and that should count as community service since she gifted the public with her amazing talent and youthful beauty. We all know what’s really going to happen. As soon as LiLo tells the judge that a mosquito kept her from doing community service, the judge is going to order the LAPD to use all of their resources to track down that mosquito and bring it in. LiLo can do no wrong so it has to be that mosquito’s fault. Jail that mosquito immediately! That’s if it didn’t turn green and melt as soon as it bit into her.
Meanwhile, Bora Bora is currently on its death bed from all the viruses it picked up from Lindsay Lohan. NO! I’m sure Bora Bora got a script for some penicillin and was back to normal in 3-to-5 days. However, the same can’t be said for LiLo. TMZ says she’s currently tucked into a hospital bed in London with that Chikungunya virus she caught while on vacation in Bora Bora over the holidays. And no, Chikungunya isn’t the type of virus one usually catches when they’re on a Fuck It, Let’s Get Drunk-style holiday (aka one that begins with the words sexually transmitted and ends with applying a medicated cream to your down-lows twice a day).
According to TMZ, Chikungunya is transmitted by mosquitoes and causes fever, joint pain, and exhaustion. Back around New Years, she started complaining she didn’t feel well, but managed to suck it up long enough to fly to LA to film a car insurance commercial, because – DUH – money.
Unfortunately, once she returned back to London, the pain and fever got so bad, she was forced to check in to a hospital. And if you’re looking to send some flowers or a pack of Get Well Soon smokes to the Apricot Ashtray, TMZ says she’s staying at King Edward VII Hospital in London, which is apparently also where the Queen stays when she gets sick. Oooh, how fancy!
Getting sick on vacation is no joke, so I sincerely hope LiLo kicks this Chikungunya business. Or maybe it will just leave on it’s own once it realizes all of LiLo’s “healthy” white blood cells have been replaced with dehydrated tar flakes and blobs of self-tanner grease. Either way, take it easy LiLo. And Dina, you drunk bitch, stop asking Lindsay if you can have the rest of her Jell-O to make rubbing alcohol shots. That Jell-O isn’t for you!
I think this may be the first time Lindsay Lohan will receive a check from an automotive insurance company that has nothing to do with an accident she caused. According to TMZ, the Apricot Ashtray is currently shooting a commercial for the Allstate’s online brother, Esurance. “Wait, didn’t we try to sue them before?” thought a confused wine-drunk Dina as she wakes up from underneath a pile of throw pillows on the couch. No Dina, that was E-Trade. Shhhh – go back to sleep.
TMZ says that Lindsay is shooting the commercial in Long Beach and they’re guessing that it might run during the Super Bowl. It could, but I like to imagine it will air at 3am between 1-900-SEX-CHAT commercials. Horny insomniacs are a very lucrative untapped market, and Lindsay Lohan’s sexy ashtray voice is perfect for saying lines like: “Do you want to chat with someone in your area about a car insurance quote? It’s free to call, and you’ll always be satisfied with the results. Call Esurance today – hot local representatives are standing by.”
And I guess this commercial is being filmed entirely in front of a green screen, since Lindsay Lohan can’t go within 10 feet of a car without the collision insurance skyrocketing to $4.3 million. Unless Esurance has a huge-ass budget for this thing, in which case they might even let her sit in the front seat with the keys in the ignition. And just like that, every vehicle in the Long Beach area just got very, very nervous.
Seen above looking like an old gypsy woman seconds before she blows a curse on someone (“There! Now you have the herpes!“), the former Queen of Messy Hollywood Lindsay Lohan is officially abdicating her throne. During an interview with The Guardian, Lindsay revealed that she loved living in London for 9 months while she performed Speed-The-Plow, and she has no plans to move back to home. But if she did have to return home for some reason (example: Dina needing 24-hour care after getting her arm caught in a vending machine that sells boxed wine), she says it sure as hell won’t be to Los Angeles. When asked if she’d ever return to her kingdom, the Apricot Ashtray hissed:
“I won’t live in LA again, hell no. My friends tell me shit when they come over I don’t want to hear. I don’t even know who got married and who got pregnant. You turn on the news in LA and it is all gossip about people. All the stuff that is going on in the world right now and this gossip is the news? I love the BBC. I haven’t heard myself mentioned on TV since I have been here. That has been really weird for me, and great.”
She also goes on to say that she’s matured while living in London and that she wants to do more theatre and bla bla bla it’s only a matter of time before she starts referring to herself as Lady Lindsay Lohan of Covent Garden.
Obviously she hasn’t heard herself mentioned on TV in London: the news only has so much time, and they need to discuss the UK’s most hottest celebrities, like Baby Prince George and Benjamin the Pygmy Goat. Besides, I doubt The Queen’s corgi’s care that some freckled Yankee skank went to the Chiltern Firehouse for the 4,638th time.
I understand why Lindsay likes living in London (if my parents were Dina and Michael Lohan, I’d move far away from their trashy asses too), but I can’t understand choosing to live so far away from Los Angeles and all those delicious In-N-Outs. Hell, I’d cut off my left arm for a double-double with extra mustard right now! Apricot Ashtray, you crazy.
Whenever you’re about to take on something that seems impossible (example: Read War & Peace, watch Peter Pan Live! without getting blackout ER-worthy drunk, go grocery shopping without opening up a box of Nilla Wafer to snack on as you shop, etc..) and you don’t know if you can do it, just tell yourself that living and breathing train wreck Lindsay Lohan made it through the entire run of Speed-The-Plow in London and she didn’t quit or get fired. Anything is possible. Miracles do happen.
Even though LiLo’s run in Plowed-For-Speed is done, she’s still in London, because there’s parties to party at and gift bags to steal and sell on eBay. Last night, the PacSun designer brought her brand of messiness to a Chopard party and the after-party for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Yes, she looks like a busted up Ann-Margret zombie circa 1974 and those shoes look like they’re covered in gaping scabs, but her weave doesn’t look like it’s been attacked by squirrels the way it usually does, so there’s that.
LiLo’s entire tacky look is very “long-retired fourth-rate showgirl who pulled out one of her old costumes to show the kids at the nursing home in Reno that she’s still got it.” What I’m saying is, this is the look.
And that goddamn kissy face pose. LiLo needs to stop trying to make the kissy face pose happen, because it’s never going to happen. If bitch keeps doing it, her face is going to get stuck like that and then she’ll really be fucked. ”I don’t know, my face is stuck like that and I do just fine.” - Jocelyn Wildenstein
Leave it t professional polyester life mess Dina Lohan to find a way to make Michael Lohan’s wedding seem even trashier. Oh, White Oprah – how I’ve missed you, you gorgeous wine-scented butter-colored cocker spaniel. On Tuesday, TMZ broke the news that human ball rash Michael Lohan had married former Jon Gosselin humper and current knocked-up drunk muppet Kate Major on a beach in Florida last month. But White Oprah isn’t so sure about the whole thing.
TMZ caught up with The Ghost of Lindsay Lohan Future at LAX yesterday and asked if she knew about her ex-husband getting married (since his own kids sure as hell didn’t), and Dina answers that Michael texted her and told her he didn’t actually get married, adding the 4 words that most accurately define White Oprah: “I’m kind of confused.” That’s when TMZ tells Dina that there are pictures of Michael and Kate’s wedding, to which Dina calls bullshit, saying: “I don’t know, he said he didn’t, but then again…“. And because she’s nicknamed White Oprah for a reason, she ends the conversation by telling TMZ to “Follow the light“. I think she means the light to the fridge. Follow the light, and you’ll always find a chilled box of white wine!
Oh boy, who to believe? The messy lie-telling parent who says they got married or the messy lie-telling parent who says they didn’t? I mean, there’s a 98% chance that White Oprah was three sheets to the wind when they spoke to her in the airport, and she’s probably recalling a text conversation from 4 years ago, but there’s an even greater chance that Lindsay’s attention whore of a father faked the whole thing to get attention. The only way to get the truth is to interrogate Kate Major’s trash rat acrylic nails. Exquisite amateur porn star blowjob nail tips never lie!
Father Of The Decade Michael Lohan Got Married To Kate Major And Forgot To Invite Lindsay Lohan And Michael Jr.
After several dramatic messy drunken fight-filled years together, talking butt zit Michael Lohan finally made it legal with Smurfette’s trashy second cousin Kate Major in – where else – the great state of Florida. TMZ says that Michael and his knocked-up bride tied the knot on a beach on October 30th in a private ceremony.
So private, in fact, that the only one of Michael’s six offspring to be invited was Baby Landon (seen above pointing to the new family he’d like to adopted by so he can escape those two human disasters). That’s right! Michael didn’t invite the sole reason he’s still clinging to the ass hairs of relevancy, Lindsay Lohan, or his aspiring app mogul son Michael Jr. He also forgot to invite haunted-looking living ghost Ali, Cody Lohan, or his whoopsie baby Ashley Kaufmann.
TMZ says that the Apricot Ashtray eventually found out that her deadbeat dad got hitched, but she didn’t care. Probably because she knows this is only the first of many weddings. Hell, we all know that it’s only a matter of time before Michael and Kate get into a violent booze-fueled fist fight that ends with Michael calling TMZ and Kate filing for divorce. Then once whichever one of them winds up in jail is released, they’ll speed-dial TMZ to announce that they’re getting remarried. It’s the ciiiiiircle of traaaaash.
And just because I love a good pair of thick acrylic porn star blow job nail tips, here’s Michael’s future second ex-wife showing off her new hardware:
Take a good look, pawn shops of Florida! You’re going to want to have an estimate on hand for when that busted blonde muppet eventually tries to sell it for margarita money.