Leave it t professional polyester life mess Dina Lohan to find a way to make Michael Lohan’s wedding seem even trashier. Oh, White Oprah – how I’ve missed you, you gorgeous wine-scented butter-colored cocker spaniel. On Tuesday, TMZ broke the news that human ball rash Michael Lohan had married former Jon Gosselin humper and current knocked-up drunk muppet Kate Major on a beach in Florida last month. But White Oprah isn’t so sure about the whole thing.
TMZ caught up with The Ghost of Lindsay Lohan Future at LAX yesterday and asked if she knew about her ex-husband getting married (since his own kids sure as hell didn’t), and Dina answers that Michael texted her and told her he didn’t actually get married, adding the 4 words that most accurately define White Oprah: “I’m kind of confused.” That’s when TMZ tells Dina that there are pictures of Michael and Kate’s wedding, to which Dina calls bullshit, saying: “I don’t know, he said he didn’t, but then again…“. And because she’s nicknamed White Oprah for a reason, she ends the conversation by telling TMZ to “Follow the light“. I think she means the light to the fridge. Follow the light, and you’ll always find a chilled box of white wine!
Oh boy, who to believe? The messy lie-telling parent who says they got married or the messy lie-telling parent who says they didn’t? I mean, there’s a 98% chance that White Oprah was three sheets to the wind when they spoke to her in the airport, and she’s probably recalling a text conversation from 4 years ago, but there’s an even greater chance that Lindsay’s attention whore of a father faked the whole thing to get attention. The only way to get the truth is to interrogate Kate Major’s trash rat acrylic nails. Exquisite amateur porn star blowjob nail tips never lie!
Father Of The Decade Michael Lohan Got Married To Kate Major And Forgot To Invite Lindsay Lohan And Michael Jr.
After several dramatic messy drunken fight-filled years together, talking butt zit Michael Lohan finally made it legal with Smurfette’s trashy second cousin Kate Major in – where else – the great state of Florida. TMZ says that Michael and his knocked-up bride tied the knot on a beach on October 30th in a private ceremony.
So private, in fact, that the only one of Michael’s six offspring to be invited was Baby Landon (seen above pointing to the new family he’d like to adopted by so he can escape those two human disasters). That’s right! Michael didn’t invite the sole reason he’s still clinging to the ass hairs of relevancy, Lindsay Lohan, or his aspiring app mogul son Michael Jr. He also forgot to invite haunted-looking living ghost Ali, Cody Lohan, or his whoopsie baby Ashley Kaufmann.
TMZ says that the Apricot Ashtray eventually found out that her deadbeat dad got hitched, but she didn’t care. Probably because she knows this is only the first of many weddings. Hell, we all know that it’s only a matter of time before Michael and Kate get into a violent booze-fueled fist fight that ends with Michael calling TMZ and Kate filing for divorce. Then once whichever one of them winds up in jail is released, they’ll speed-dial TMZ to announce that they’re getting remarried. It’s the ciiiiiircle of traaaaash.
And just because I love a good pair of thick acrylic porn star blow job nail tips, here’s Michael’s future second ex-wife showing off her new hardware:
Take a good look, pawn shops of Florida! You’re going to want to have an estimate on hand for when that busted blonde muppet eventually tries to sell it for margarita money.
And I bet the planning went something like this: (phone ringing) “Hey Oprah? It’s me. What do you mean ‘who?’, it’s Lindsay Lohan! Listen, I’ve got a great idea. I saw that HBO has this docu-series about a washed-up actress with red hair named Valerie-something trying to make a career comeback, and I was like OMG we should totally do the same thing! Hello? Hello?”
Since things are going so well for Lindsay Lohan in London (ie: she’s actually showing up to performances of Speed-The-Plow and not being completely terrible), it sounds like the Apricot Ashtray is considering tip-toeing back to Hollywood and try her freckled hand at movies again. A source close to LiLo (a Franzia-drunk Dina screaming over Skype) tells Radar that when Speed-The-Plow wraps on November 29th, she’s going to be in the market for a new job, and currently she’s interested in applying for the position of “professional movie star”:
“Lindsay is doing better than she has in years! Lindsay is determined to be a movie star again. Lindsay plans to return home to her family in New York for a bit and is then heading to L.A. because she has three big movies that she is getting ready to star in.”
In case you were wondering, IMDB says those three “big movies” are a thriller called Soul Carriers, a zombie movie called Six Gun Dead, and a sci-fi movie called Life Travelers, with Lindsay being the most famous name in all of them. So technically she is doing movies again, but none of them count because they’re not Life-Size 2. I want a sequel to Life-Size, dammit!
I don’t doubt that Lindsay can make a comeback, and I honestly want her to because I’ve got a soft-spot in my heart for that lil’ sunset-colored mess, but she’ll never be as great as she once was, and no, I’m not talking about the Mean Girls years. I’m talking about her smoky-voiced bottle-smashing busted wig-wearing performance in Liz & Dick! Nothing will ever compare to the next-level thespian genius that is Lindsay shouting “I’M BORED. I’M SO BORED.“
In honor of the 10th anniversary of Mean Girls, aka the movie to which I dedicate my life’s laughter and tears (whatever the fuck that means), Tina Fey was kind enough to postpone working on her night cheese to reunite with former actress and current freckled mess Lindsay Lohan for Entertainment Weekly’s reunions issue. At least I *think* that’s supposed to be Lindsay Lohan; it actually looks more like a heavily Photoshopped/heavily sedated come-to-life Lindsay Lohan My Scene doll. Only Tina knows for sure. Tina, did it try to distract you while it rifled through your purse for pills or ask to borrow $60 million? Then it wasn’t the doll.
They also told some stories about what it was like filming Mean Girls, like this one about Lindsay Lohan sounding like the definition of 2004:
Tina: “I remember 17-year-old Lindsay was on a mission to find pink Uggs. That was, like, what she was working on. And there was one day where she tried to explain to Amy and me her beef with Hilary Duff, but we couldn’t crack it. But we were pretending we could follow it.”
Lindsay: “I had been online trying to get pink Uggs because I had a pink pleated skirt in the scene where I fall into the garbage can. I was like, ‘I need pink Uggs!’ I mean, I was rhinestoning my phone at the time with Swarovski crystals. [Laughs] So it was somewhat Method.”
That clever grifter-in-training! “I need pink Uggs! Uh…I mean…my character needs pink Uggs. Maybe a couple pairs actually. Tags on, just in case I…I mean, “my character” (wink)…decides to sell them for cash.”
Tina and the Apricot Ashtray were also joined by their Mean Girls co-stars Rachel McAdams, Lacey Chabert, and Amanda Seyfried. Wait, that’s it? No Janis Ian? No Damian? No chihuahua who tries to take a chunk out of Mrs. George’s tit? NO KEVIN GNAPOOR?!?! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you can’t have a Mean Girls reunion without math enthusiast/bad-ass MC Kevin Gnapoor!
“LOL! $60 million? I barely have $60! Speaking of which, can I borrow $60? I need it for…a thing.”
Nearly two months ago, Lindsay Lohan and her younger brother Michael Jr. were slapped with a cease-and-desist letter by their former business partner Fima Potik after he discovered that shortly after he parted ways last year, those shady idea-stealing siblings had taken his concept for a virtual shopping app called Spotted Friend and launched their own called Vigme. But since the only thing the Lohans know how to cease-and-desist is sobriety, Michael Jr. kept Vigme up and running.
Now Page Six is saying that Fima Potik wasn’t playing, and he’s hit the Apricot Ashtray and her baby brother with a $60 million lawsuit. Potik filed papers in Manhattan on Thursday, and claims that LiLo and MiJu stole his trade secrets and some big-name advisors (like Ariana Huffington) to start a competing business. He also claims they had access to the Spotted Friend software and a beta version of the app. And now he wants $60 million dollars from LiLo. “Get in line!” shouted every one of LiLo’s dealers.
Well, good luck with that lawsuit, Fima! While you’re at it, why not sue Santa Claus for $80 billion and The Snorks for eleventy trillion dollars, because that makes about as much sense as suing a freckled deadbeat like Lindsay Lohan for $60 million. Where does he think that $60 million is going to come from? Oprah? As if! Oprah will be all “Blohan…Blohan…nope, never head of her“, before quietly slipping him a pity-stack containing $10,000 and a Chili’s gift card, and whispering “Here, take this. I understand what you’re going through – I’ve made the mistake of working with her too.”
Lindsay Lohan dropped her
2 cents two 8 balls into the presidential race in Brazil and if you’re wondering why an American mess who is now living in England suddenly cares about Brazilian politics, the answer is: cooooooooooke!
Out of nowhere, presidential candidate Aécio Neves got a bump of support from the First Lady of Train Wrecks when she tweeted (and later deleted) her official endorsement for him. Even though LiLo chopped up that tweet and snorted it up, it still turned into a full-on meme in Brazil. Aécio Neves loves to party and Buzzfeed says it’s rumored that coke has made its way up into his nostrils a few (or more than a few) times. He was also involved a coke ESCANDALO (Side note: Google Translate tell me escandalo is escandalo in Portuguese) when the federal police found 4.5 pounds of cocaine on a helicopter that was owned by his company and belonged to one of his political allies. So LiLo publicly supporting him is what meme dreams are made of.
A “source” close to LiLo tells TMZ that she’s showing support for Neves, because she takes several “business trips” to Brazil and one of her “good contacts” in the country thinks he should win over his opponent Dilma Rousseff.
Okay, but who is Glen Coco endorsing since I’m sure that’s the only endorsement the people of Brazil care about.
LiLo suddenly showing an interest in Brazilian politics when an ALLEGED fellow member of the White (As In Coke) Party runs for president is too perfect. Either she’s all out of clues or she’s secretly working for Dilma Rousseff and knows that an endorsement from her will kill Neves’ campaign. If that’s the case, well played, Team Rousseff.
Hold on – why is there blonde hair behind Oprah’s back??? Is someone hiding behind her? Oh wait, it’s probably just White Oprah mining her pockets for cash while her daughter distracts her. “I already told you, if you need some more wine-money, just ask me for a second season of Lindsay!” – Oprah.
Speaking of a second season Lindsay, the biggest little train-wreck on television this side of a True Tori marathon, Lindsay Lohan believes there will be a second season. Oprah flew to London to watch the Apricot Ashtray’s performance Speed-The-Plow on Saturday, and Lindsay made sure to Instagram a picture of it as proof (apparently Lupita Nyong’o was there as well, but did take a picture with Linds, probably because she’s still recovering from the last time she met a crazy-eyed red-haired smoky-voiced attention-starved creature).
But maybe Oprah wasn’t there just to watch Lindsay maybe fuck up her lines or break the fourth wall and ask the audience if she could borrow $300. Lindsay recently told Marie Claire UK (via Celebitchy) that she and Oprah are BFBFs (best friends in bankrolled fuckery) once again and that they begin filming on the second season of Lindsay in January. Oh, and also that they might be going to Africa together.
Welp, now that camera has to be quarantined.
Seen above blowing a freckled air kiss at the camera (because she NEVER does that pose), Lindsay Lohan proved last night that the world is a weird, fucked-up place and just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, it throws you a drunken, raggedy, haggard curveball at you. LiLo actually made it to the opening night of Speed-The-Plow in London last night and she ALLEGEDLY performed in every performance. I say “allegedly,” because the stage manager could’ve put a dusty, 50-year-old taxidermy ginger Chinese Crested dog on stage in LiLo’s place after she didn’t show up and nobody would’ve known the difference.
The first preview of Speed-ThePlow was a train wreck for some and LiLo, a master at doing lines, didn’t know a lot of her lines. Speed-The-Plow’s opening night happened last night and critics who reviewed the show say that LiLo only missed a couple of lines. It says a lot when LiLo, whose job is to memorize her goddamn lines, has to be fed lines on opening night and everyone goes, “Aw, she only missed two lines. Gold star!”
Lindsay Lohan On Her Messy First Performance Of Speed-The-Plow: “It Could’ve Been A Disaster. I Could’ve Not Shown Up.”
Seen above getting the lenses of the paparazzi’s cameras second hand high by blowing a kiss at ‘em after leaving the Playhouse Theater in London last night, Lindsay Lohan talked to The Mirror about her first performance of Speed-The-Plow that some say was a disaster because she didn’t know her lines and the audience laughed at her ass. LiLo says that the negative shit hos say about her bounces off of her freckled zombie skin and she doesn’t care what the haters think. The haters can eat it, because LiLo ran into Al Pacino at a hotel recently and he told her he was proud of her for doing theater. Yeah, she probably didn’t run into THEE Al Pacino, she ran into some random dude who happens to be named Al Pacino. And he didn’t tell her he was proud of her for doing for theater, he asked her what her hourly rate is, but STILL.
LiLo said that the first night wasn’t a train wreck at all and it could’ve been a whole lot worse:
On how she’s patting herself on the taint for actually showing up to her job: “It could’ve been a disaster – but it wasn’t by far. I could’ve not shown up. But of course I did, it’s my show. Everyone is always going to be judgmental, no matter what. I respect people have an opinion, but I’m doing the best I can and will for the duration. I’m doing this because working makes me feel happy and this is a new venture for me.”
On how theater acting is her new crack: “I was nervous on the first night because I’d never done it before. But everyone has been really great. I love the stage manager…they’ve all been kind, gracious and comforting. Every night feels more natural and comfortable. I’m not used to a live audience, it’s a much quicker buzz.”
“I’m not used to a live audience.” Oh, LiLo, please don’t be that kind of snob who denies her Tijuana donkey show roots.
If LiLo didn’t show up and had to be replaced with a dirty mop with red rubber lips glued to its handle, some people in the audience might’ve considered that a major upgrade. I was going to side-eye LiLo for saying, “MY SHOW,” but the director, stage manager, crew and other cast members probably aren’t bothered by that at all. Let LiLo take full credit for that turd.
Ooh wee, someone clearly needs to run themselves a Calgon bath and put on some Enya, because that is not the face of a well-rested working girl! This is the face of someone who’s been burning the midnight oil and/or chasing the midnight dragon. Lindsay Lohan, you worked a whole day this week! Pour yourself a cup of Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer and put your feet up, you deserve it! For real though, whatever you’re doing, you need to stop, because you look EXHAUSTED.
To celebrate the rave reviews she received for her opening night performance in Speed-The-Plow, Lindsay Lohan (or as she’s now known in America: “London’s Problem Now”) decided to treat herself to a night on the town. After all, it isn’t every day the Apricot Ashtray actually shows up for work semi-sober! Or at all, really. So she decided to go where every famous ho goes when they’re in London, the Chiltern Firehouse. Thank god it’s not an actual firehouse anymore, otherwise LiLo would have spent the night wandering around asking people if she can “slide down the pole” and trying to snort up the white parts of the dalmatian. Instead, she probably spent the night wandering around from table to table, asking rich dudes if she can slide down the pole and snorting up whatever she found on the floor before someone reminded her she has to go back to work the next day. “Wait, you mean I have to show up more than once???”
And I know I’ll hate myself for making this joke, but if Lindsay looks this tired after one day of work, maybe it’s time to Plow-The-Speed. Oh lord, that was awful – I’ll show myself out.