Lindsay Lohan On Her Messy First Performance Of Speed-The-Plow: “It Could’ve Been A Disaster. I Could’ve Not Shown Up.”

September 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above getting the lenses of the paparazzi’s cameras second hand high by blowing a kiss at ‘em after leaving the Playhouse Theater in London last night, Lindsay Lohan talked to The Mirror about her first performance of Speed-The-Plow that some say was a disaster because she didn’t know her lines and the audience laughed at her ass. LiLo says that the negative shit hos say about her bounces off of her freckled zombie skin and she doesn’t care what the haters think. The haters can eat it, because LiLo ran into Al Pacino at a hotel recently and he told her he was proud of her for doing theater. Yeah, she probably didn’t run into THEE Al Pacino, she ran into some random dude who happens to be named Al Pacino. And he didn’t tell her he was proud of her for doing for theater, he asked her what her hourly rate is, but STILL.

LiLo said that the first night wasn’t a train wreck at all and it could’ve been a whole lot worse:

On how she’s patting herself on the taint for actually showing up to her job: “It could’ve been a disaster – but it wasn’t by far. I could’ve not shown up. But of course I did, it’s my show. Everyone is always going to be judgmental, no matter what. I respect people have an opinion, but I’m doing the best I can and will for the duration. I’m doing this because working makes me feel happy and this is a new venture for me.”

On how theater acting is her new crack: “I was nervous on the first night because I’d never done it before. But everyone has been really great. I love the stage manager…they’ve all been kind, gracious and comforting. Every night feels more natural and comfortable. I’m not used to a live audience, it’s a much quicker buzz.”

“I’m not used to a live audience.” Oh, LiLo, please don’t be that kind of snob who denies her Tijuana donkey show roots.

If LiLo didn’t show up and had to be replaced with a dirty mop with red rubber lips glued to its handle, some people in the audience might’ve considered that a major upgrade. I was going to side-eye LiLo for saying, “MY SHOW,” but the director, stage manager, crew and other cast members probably aren’t bothered by that at all. Let LiLo take full credit for that turd.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

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It Looks Like Having A Full-Time Job Is Starting To Take Its Toll On Lindsay Lohan

September 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Ooh wee, someone clearly needs to run themselves a Calgon bath and put on some Enya, because that is not the face of a well-rested working girl! This is the face of someone who’s been burning the midnight oil and/or chasing the midnight dragon. Lindsay Lohan, you worked a whole day this week! Pour yourself a cup of Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer and put your feet up, you deserve it! For real though, whatever you’re doing, you need to stop, because you look EXHAUSTED.

To celebrate the rave reviews she received for her opening night performance in Speed-The-Plow, Lindsay Lohan (or as she’s now known in America: “London’s Problem Now”) decided to treat herself to a night on the town. After all, it isn’t every day the Apricot Ashtray actually shows up for work semi-sober! Or at all, really. So she decided to go where every famous ho goes when they’re in London, the Chiltern Firehouse. Thank god it’s not an actual firehouse anymore, otherwise LiLo would have spent the night wandering around asking people if she can “slide down the pole” and trying to snort up the white parts of the dalmatian. Instead, she probably spent the night wandering around from table to table, asking rich dudes if she can slide down the pole and snorting up whatever she found on the floor before someone reminded her she has to go back to work the next day. “Wait, you mean I have to show up more than once???

And I know I’ll hate myself for making this joke, but if Lindsay looks this tired after one day of work, maybe it’s time to Plow-The-Speed. Oh lord, that was awful – I’ll show myself out.

Pics: Wenn.com

Well, At Least Lindsay Lohan Actually Showed Up For Her First Performance Of Speed-The-Plow

September 24, 2014 / Posted by:

My precious…. My precious… Wait, can I smoke these?

Miracles happen every day (one example: I didn’t immediately run into oncoming traffic when I discovered I was fresh out of the good shit this morning) and today a miracle happened when the first preview for Speed-The-Plow in London started and Lindsay Lohan actually showed up on time and didn’t quit 10 minutes into it. Progress! People on Twitter were split about this shit. Some say that the first preview was a flaming train wreck and others say it was just “meh.” The Daily Mail and The Daily Beast say that LiLo and her cast mate Richard Schiff didn’t know their lines, the audience laughed at her during her big speech, the acting was high school levels of amateur and a messy bitch in the balcony (read: probably White Oprah) dropped champagne on another audience member’s head. That last part was probably the most exciting and theatrical thing that happened all night.

People on Twitter say that when LiLo wasn’t reading her lines out of a prop book she was holding, an assistant offstage fed them to her. LiLo stuttered through David Mamet’s words and when Richard Schiff’s character said to her, “You have done a fantastic job,” the audience laughed at the irony of it all. They laughed at LiLo’s ass again when her character said, “I know what it is to be bad. I’ve been bad.” But a source (Hi, White Oprah!) tells The Daily Mail that she was a pleasant surprise, looked “amazing” and it was only the first preview so she has time before opening night to get her shit together.

“She was just fine, she did forget her lines a couple of times but covered it up like a pro. She was a pleasant surprise for sure. Lindsay’s character was quite interesting and she immersed herself in the role, she was very strong in the second scene which was her biggest one. She looked amazing… I was in awe of her. It was no means a perfect performance and she’s certainly no Judi Dench, but she wasn’t awful. There is a line where she says ‘I know what it is to be bad, I’ve been bad” and the audience all cracked up laughing but she got great applause in the curtain call and someone passed her flowers from audience.”

So LiLo screwed up a few lines. Big deal! We all know she’s a pro at doing lines. It was probably a one-off. Besides, LiLo didn’t have time to memorize dumb lines for her job. She busy doing more important things like partying in Italy and France! But you know, I’d consider tonight a triumph. First of all, bitch didn’t hold up the curtain for 9 hours because her alarm went off at 6:30pm and she hit the snooze button 400 times. Second of all, LiLo didn’t suddenly come down with “walking pneumonia” 15 minutes in and leave to go to the hospital (the club). Third of all, she didn’t show up late to one of her cues because she was stealing coats out of the coat check room. What more do those people want?!

Pics: Splash

Lindsay Lohan Personally Handled Whitney Houston’s Body Bag, So Says Lindsay Lohan (UPDATE)

September 14, 2014 / Posted by:

UPDATE: The L.A. County Coroner’s Office tells TMZ that LieLo is lying. Whitney was never in a body bag and nobody from the probation department went near her body. So throw this one on the mountain of crack delusions from the mind of Lindsay Lohan.

It’s been a long time (read: like 5 minutes) since the freckled bag of delusion spit out a lie-stuffed crack rock and she’s really making up for lost lies by shitting out a big one.

When LiLo violated her probation in 2011 by drunk driving, she was sentenced to four months of community service in the L.A. County Morgue. They sent her to work in the morgue, because they wanted her to see the place she’d send people if she kept drunk driving and because corpses lack this thing called “being alive” which means they can sort of stand being around her. While talking to The Telegraph about that play in London she’s going to get fired from, her time in the morgue was brought up and LiLo said that it was inappropriate for the courts to send her there. A lot of people actually agree with her, because dead people have been through enough. LiLo also made the spirit of Nippy slap the coke buzz out of her head by saying that she personally rolled Whitney Houston’s body bag. This bitch would name drop the names of dead people for attention:

The California courts had decided that her sentence for drink driving and violation of probation should include not only jail time but 12-hour shifts in a morgue. For four months, she worked from 4am to 4pm. It was, as she puts it, “F’d up and inappropriate – because a lot of other people were meant to do it, and they were like: ‘No, they can’t handle it. Lohan can.’ It’s different for me than it would be for other people – like, no one would really have to work at the morgue in LA and roll a body bag for Whitney Houston.”

I’m assuming that this mess means she just rolled a body bag and didn’t actually handle Whitney Houston’s body. If LiLo was allowed anywhere near Nippy’s body, we’d know it. First of all, she’d tweet selfies of her with Nippy’s dead body and TMZ would’ve thrown up a story about how Whitney Houston’s internal organs went missing and it seems like something or someone snorted all the blood out of her body.

To quote Whitney, “Lindsay, I wanna see the receipts!” LiLo probably can’t show us the receipts because the black kid’s got ‘em. So instead I’ll show the receipts that prove that LiLo is most likely doing what she does worst: LIE! Here’s pictures of LiLo with The Curious Case of Ali Lohan and her brother in NYC on Saturday, February 11, 2012, the day that Whitney Houston died 2,800 miles away in Beverly Hills, CA.

Pics: Splash

Lindsay Lohan Is Getting Sued For The 1,394,244th Time

September 7, 2014 / Posted by:

Stop me if you’ve heard this one (no really, stop me – I CAN’T with this felonious freckled grifter anymore). Lindsay Lohan has once again turned a shady trick on the wrong person and now she’s getting sued, except this time she’s also dragging her younger brother Michael Jr. into it. Congrats on your first lawsuit, Michael Jr., you’re officially your father’s son!

Page Six says that shortly after she left rehab last year, the Apricot Ashtray and her younger brother started working with tech entrepreneur Fima Potik on a mobile app called Spotted Friend, which would allow people to poke around in Blohan’s virtual closet and see the kind of designer shit she’s virtually stolen. She even started prom0ting her new tech venture on Twitter back in July 2013, because she’s basically the coked-up version of Steve Jobs. But just like everything Lindsay gets involved in (singing, fashion design, sobriety) she lost interest and Spotted Friend became just another hazy memory (like sobriety). Continue reading »

Lindsay Lohan Will Only Sit At A Table Full Of Dudes

September 3, 2014 / Posted by:

Because the organizers of the GQ Men of the Year Awards in London knew that they needed a fresh-scented, pristine dewdrop to counter the trash skankness wafting off of Kim Kartrashian, they invited Lindsay Lohan to their event at the Royal Opera House last night. LiLo should feel lucky and grateful to be invited to an MD 20/20-sponsored Girls & Corpses Magazine party held in the back room of an off-track betting place in a strip mall LET ALONE a GQ party, but she was still a rusty, freckled thorn in everyone’s right ass lip. Because she’s Lindsay Lohan and that’s what she does.

A source tells The Daily Mirror (via Contact Music) that before the Men of the Year Awards, LiLo’s “people” (read: White Oprah calling from the bar phone at T.G.I. Friday’s because she didn’t want to pay for long distance) demanded that her table be completely free of cooch.

”Lohan’s people were clear that she wanted to be on a table during the lengthy awards surrounded by men. She gets on better with guys and had spent time putting together a sexy look so she wanted to be admired.”

If LiLo really wanted to fill her table with people delusional enough to admire her beauty, she should’ve demanded to be seated with her own family members or a bunch of mirrors.

I can’t throw hate at LiLo for this. Most of us always want to sit at a table full of peen.

First of all, she’s gotta start putting together another celebrity slam piece list to sell to InTouch Weekly and that list isn’t going to fuck and write itself. Second of all, LiLo doesn’t see a table full of just dudes, she sees a table full of potential meal vodka tickets. LiLo demanding to be surrounded by guys isn’t a diva bitch move, it’s a smart business decision!

Lindsay Lohan Is Living With An Investment Banker And His Young Kids, So Says InTouch Weekly

August 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Hmmm, what could ever go wrong?

Bad news for hoteliers and sheiks, Lindsay Lohan is no longer available 24 hours a day for all their escorting needs, because she’s shacking up with one of her regulars. InTouch Weekly says that in between terrorizing London and rehearsing for the play that she’ll drop out of 10 minutes before the first performance after she suddenly gets “the flu,” LiLo met an older investment banker type named Patrick Mahony and he’s moved her into his house where he lives with his two young daughters. The source says that LiLo and her sugar daddy are playing house and she’s really bonding with his daughters. That giant wind storm that just blew through England was from every Child Protective Services social worker sighing, because their case load is about to get heavier.

“She’s living with him. Lindsay helps the kids take baths. She really pitches in looking after them, and the girls really like her. She’s finally in a mature relationship with a really grounded guy.”

If this is true, I’m sure it’ll end with LiLo trying to trade his kids for half of an Adderall and a Marlboro Light in the parking lot of a Tesco, but I’m sure they’ll all make beautiful memories together before that happens. Patrick’s daughters will forever remember the time that LiLo gently rubbed their bellies while barking at them in a hushed voice to hurry up and shit out the diamond and gold rings she made them swallow during a “browsing” trip to Cartier.

Here’s the future Stepmother of the Year doing the Ice Bucket Challenge on The Tonight Show last night. I don’t know who nominated her, but I’m guessing it was the CDC, because they figured it was one way to try to get her to take a shower. Well played, CDC!

FYI to the haters out there: LiLo also donated to ALS. She sent them a coupon for 1 complimentary blow job (a $10 value), thankyouverymuch! I’m sure that’s more than your asses donated!

Lindsay Lohan Says She Never Talks Shit About Anyone, Proceeds To Talk Shit About James Franco

August 15, 2014 / Posted by:

World-famous freckled liar Lindsay Lohan gave an interview to the Daily Mail, and I bet you already know where I’m going with this, right? You’re like “Yes Allison, we know, she told them all about how she’s totally sober and wants to get back to work and hasn’t missed a single rehearsal for Speed-The-Plow and how the producers fired her understudy because the Apricot Ashtray is doing such an amazing job, right?” And guess what? You’re WRONG! She didn’t mention a single thing about being sober or showing up to rehearsals, because she was saving all her lies for a long-ass conversation about her former fuck partner and human greasy feeling James Franco. Continue reading »

Tyra’s Impression Of Lindsay Lohan Needs To Have 50% More Smoker Voice And 100% More Drunk

August 6, 2014 / Posted by:

I know this is Tyra Banks doing an impression of Lindsay Lohan, but it also looks like Tyra Banks doing an impression of Tyra Banks trying to pull a clump of weave hair from the shower drain. Smize and yank, bitch!

Trya (typo that stays) was on Watch What Happens Live last night with toe-tapping human-looking snapping turtle Derek Hough and in between talking about the head of Victoria’s Secret doing her dirty by denying her a lifetime’s supply of underwear and hustling RuPaul for a guest spot on Drag Race (she means as a contestant, right?), she got around to talking about the biggest achievement in her 23-year career: the made-for-TV Disney film, LIFE SIZE. Specifically, how she’s currently working on writing and producing (and starring in and directing and composing the score and running the craft service truck) the sequel, Life Size 2.

Eventually, someone called in and asked Tyra the most important question about Life Size 2: has she taken any acting lessons since she shot the original Life Size. NO! They asked Tyra if her co-star Lindsay Lohan would be returning for the sequel. Tyra said that she hasn’t talked to Lindsay about it, but that it might be difficult to get her to come back. She was 11-years-old when she filmed the first Life Size, and now – as Tyra says – she’s a woman who probably doesn’t play with Barbies anymore:

That was quite possibly the kindest impression I have ever seen, because there was 0% of Lindsay Lohan in it. Tyra’s eyes were open (wrong) and she was coherent (wrong). She didn’t appear to have a stomach filled with crushed-up pills and vodka (wrong) or try to convince anyone she was sober and ready to get back to work (wrong).

But that was kind of Tyra to pretend they were ever interested in having Lindsay return for the sequel. Unless there’s a part for a tired-looking messy booze-chugging party rat who steals Barbie dolls and melts down their hair to get high, there’s no room for LiLo in Life Size 2.

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Michael Lohan Says Shit Is Getting All Kinds Of Messy For Kate Major In Jail

August 4, 2014 / Posted by:

Here we go again; Michael Lohan is a drama-loving attention-seeking mess, take 8,303,472 (in the words of the great Mr. Lahey, the shit apple doesn’t fall far from the shit apple tree). According to TMZ, Lindsay’s deadbeat dad claims that his pregnant girlfriend Kate Major (seen above looking like Smurfette and Gargamel after 2-for-1 tequila night at Señor Frogs) is having a super shitty time in jail for her DUI. Michael says that Kate’s vagina has started bleeding on two separate occasions, but when she goes to the infirmary, they give her an ultrasound and tell her she’s fine. Michael is pissed off that the jail didn’t call in a specialist or rush Kate’s ass to the hospital, and Dr. Michael Lohan OB-GYN tells TMZ:

“You know damn well if someone has vaginal bleeding while pregnant that’s indicative of a miscarriage.”

Damn, those Lohans love to throw around the word “miscarriage”, don’t they? Again, shitty apple, shitty apple tree. Michael is also pissed that the jail has forced Kate to “carry her property back to her room” while bleeding from her down-lows. Oh my god, they made Kate carry her own things?? Who’s her CO, Pornstache? Anyways, Michael thinks something in the prison pruno ain’t clean and he’s hired Casey Anthony’s attorney Jose Baez to fight for a court order to have Kate treated properly.

I really hope that Michael Lohan’s attorney is able to get that court order, because I know that if Kate was seen by a professional doctor, he’d take one look at her medical history, see that she already has one child with Michael Lohan and is pregnant with another, determine that she’s clearly insane (she willingly fucked Michael Lohan, after all) and request she be transferred from jail to a psych ward. Then when she gives birth to Major-Lohan Baby No. 2, they can quickly whisk the baby away to a neonatal support group for newborns with extremely fucked up parents. Everybody wins!

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