Lindsay Lohan Is Living With An Investment Banker And His Young Kids, So Says InTouch Weekly

August 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Hmmm, what could ever go wrong?

Bad news for hoteliers and sheiks, Lindsay Lohan is no longer available 24 hours a day for all their escorting needs, because she’s shacking up with one of her regulars. InTouch Weekly says that in between terrorizing London and rehearsing for the play that she’ll drop out of 10 minutes before the first performance after she suddenly gets “the flu,” LiLo met an older investment banker type named Patrick Mahony and he’s moved her into his house where he lives with his two young daughters. The source says that LiLo and her sugar daddy are playing house and she’s really bonding with his daughters. That giant wind storm that just blew through England was from every Child Protective Services social worker sighing, because their case load is about to get heavier.

“She’s living with him. Lindsay helps the kids take baths. She really pitches in looking after them, and the girls really like her. She’s finally in a mature relationship with a really grounded guy.”

If this is true, I’m sure it’ll end with LiLo trying to trade his kids for half of an Adderall and a Marlboro Light in the parking lot of a Tesco, but I’m sure they’ll all make beautiful memories together before that happens. Patrick’s daughters will forever remember the time that LiLo gently rubbed their bellies while barking at them in a hushed voice to hurry up and shit out the diamond and gold rings she made them swallow during a “browsing” trip to Cartier.

Here’s the future Stepmother of the Year doing the Ice Bucket Challenge on The Tonight Show last night. I don’t know who nominated her, but I’m guessing it was the CDC, because they figured it was one way to try to get her to take a shower. Well played, CDC!

FYI to the haters out there: LiLo also donated to ALS. She sent them a coupon for 1 complimentary blow job (a $10 value), thankyouverymuch! I’m sure that’s more than your asses donated!

Lindsay Lohan Says She Never Talks Shit About Anyone, Proceeds To Talk Shit About James Franco

August 15, 2014 / Posted by:

World-famous freckled liar Lindsay Lohan gave an interview to the Daily Mail, and I bet you already know where I’m going with this, right? You’re like “Yes Allison, we know, she told them all about how she’s totally sober and wants to get back to work and hasn’t missed a single rehearsal for Speed-The-Plow and how the producers fired her understudy because the Apricot Ashtray is doing such an amazing job, right?” And guess what? You’re WRONG! She didn’t mention a single thing about being sober or showing up to rehearsals, because she was saving all her lies for a long-ass conversation about her former fuck partner and human greasy feeling James Franco. Continue reading »

Tyra’s Impression Of Lindsay Lohan Needs To Have 50% More Smoker Voice And 100% More Drunk

August 6, 2014 / Posted by:

I know this is Tyra Banks doing an impression of Lindsay Lohan, but it also looks like Tyra Banks doing an impression of Tyra Banks trying to pull a clump of weave hair from the shower drain. Smize and yank, bitch!

Trya (typo that stays) was on Watch What Happens Live last night with toe-tapping human-looking snapping turtle Derek Hough and in between talking about the head of Victoria’s Secret doing her dirty by denying her a lifetime’s supply of underwear and hustling RuPaul for a guest spot on Drag Race (she means as a contestant, right?), she got around to talking about the biggest achievement in her 23-year career: the made-for-TV Disney film, LIFE SIZE. Specifically, how she’s currently working on writing and producing (and starring in and directing and composing the score and running the craft service truck) the sequel, Life Size 2.

Eventually, someone called in and asked Tyra the most important question about Life Size 2: has she taken any acting lessons since she shot the original Life Size. NO! They asked Tyra if her co-star Lindsay Lohan would be returning for the sequel. Tyra said that she hasn’t talked to Lindsay about it, but that it might be difficult to get her to come back. She was 11-years-old when she filmed the first Life Size, and now – as Tyra says – she’s a woman who probably doesn’t play with Barbies anymore:

That was quite possibly the kindest impression I have ever seen, because there was 0% of Lindsay Lohan in it. Tyra’s eyes were open (wrong) and she was coherent (wrong). She didn’t appear to have a stomach filled with crushed-up pills and vodka (wrong) or try to convince anyone she was sober and ready to get back to work (wrong).

But that was kind of Tyra to pretend they were ever interested in having Lindsay return for the sequel. Unless there’s a part for a tired-looking messy booze-chugging party rat who steals Barbie dolls and melts down their hair to get high, there’s no room for LiLo in Life Size 2.

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Michael Lohan Says Shit Is Getting All Kinds Of Messy For Kate Major In Jail

August 4, 2014 / Posted by:

Here we go again; Michael Lohan is a drama-loving attention-seeking mess, take 8,303,472 (in the words of the great Mr. Lahey, the shit apple doesn’t fall far from the shit apple tree). According to TMZ, Lindsay’s deadbeat dad claims that his pregnant girlfriend Kate Major (seen above looking like Smurfette and Gargamel after 2-for-1 tequila night at Señor Frogs) is having a super shitty time in jail for her DUI. Michael says that Kate’s vagina has started bleeding on two separate occasions, but when she goes to the infirmary, they give her an ultrasound and tell her she’s fine. Michael is pissed off that the jail didn’t call in a specialist or rush Kate’s ass to the hospital, and Dr. Michael Lohan OB-GYN tells TMZ:

“You know damn well if someone has vaginal bleeding while pregnant that’s indicative of a miscarriage.”

Damn, those Lohans love to throw around the word “miscarriage”, don’t they? Again, shitty apple, shitty apple tree. Michael is also pissed that the jail has forced Kate to “carry her property back to her room” while bleeding from her down-lows. Oh my god, they made Kate carry her own things?? Who’s her CO, Pornstache? Anyways, Michael thinks something in the prison pruno ain’t clean and he’s hired Casey Anthony’s attorney Jose Baez to fight for a court order to have Kate treated properly.

I really hope that Michael Lohan’s attorney is able to get that court order, because I know that if Kate was seen by a professional doctor, he’d take one look at her medical history, see that she already has one child with Michael Lohan and is pregnant with another, determine that she’s clearly insane (she willingly fucked Michael Lohan, after all) and request she be transferred from jail to a psych ward. Then when she gives birth to Major-Lohan Baby No. 2, they can quickly whisk the baby away to a neonatal support group for newborns with extremely fucked up parents. Everybody wins!

Oh, It’s Just Lindsay Lohan’s Floppy Freckled Titty Popping Out To Say Hello

July 30, 2014 / Posted by:

I’m not sure why, but I just pictured that floppy tit speaking in a charming Cockney accent. “Allo luv! Fancy meeting you ‘ere! Don’t mind me, just ‘avin a wee snooze in the sun before Coronation Street.” 

Mermaids everywhere officially hung up their seashell bras and retired today after Lindsay Lohan was spotted strolling a beach in Ibiza looking like a sloppy-titted sea siren. And by sea siren, I mean she set off the siren that alerts beach visitors that the sea has been contaminated by toxic self-tanner sludge and random clumps of orange hair and the beach will be closed until further notice. No! She really does look like a mermaid; like Ariel, if Ariel sold her voice to Ursula for two baggies of coke instead of two legs.

Seeing the Apricot Ashtray slithering around the beaches of Ibiza with her floppy freckled pancakes hanging out makes me feel a lot of things (queasy, nauseous, dry heave-y) but mostly it makes me feel sorry for Ibiza. First Orlando Bloom gets into a dramatic douche fight Justin Bieber in a nightclub, and now Lindsay Lohan is assaulting eyes by serving up a heaping helping of sloppy side boob in one of White Oprah’s trashy old stretched-out Body Glove bathing suits from the 80s. Poor Ibiza; when did you become the Florida of Europe?

And speaking of Florida, apparently there are people in Ibiza who are dumb enough to let Lindsay operate a jet ski. It probably took her all of 10 minutes before she whipped out her phone, started texting her dealer, and rear-ended a dolphin. Then when the cops came to arrest her, she tried to blame it on a starfish. Wait, can you get a DUI on a jet ski? I’m sure Lindsay will find a way.

Pics: Fame Flynet

BREAKING: Lindsay Lohan Showed Up To An Event And Didn’t Look Like A Total Mess

July 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Something strange happened on Saturday night. Human hangover Lindsay Lohan was scheduled to appear at a press conference for The White Party in Linz, Austria, and she managed to arrive looking semi-sober, semi-clean, and standing upright. WHAT IS THIS SORCERY?!? The Lindsay Lohan I know always looks like a trampy Cheeto that just woke up in a litter box filled with cigarette butts and day-old jizz and cat turds. I can’t remember the last time she didn’t resemble the Poison Cackler from Fraggle Rock.

But this Lindsay Lohan…I have no idea what’s going on here. Her hair doesn’t look like the tangled tails of a ginger rat king. Her face isn’t caked in 8 layers of rancid orange smegma and coke residue. Her toxic tar-scented vodka breath didn’t immediately wilt the bouquet of roses in her arms. Lindsay Lohan actually looks…good? Is good-ish a word? Good-adjacent maybe?

But before you say goodbye to your loved ones and die of shock, the Apricot Ashtray only managed to stay cleaned up for about 0.00003 seconds before she started morphing back into the rode-hard put-away filthy Lindsay we know and love. Lindsay left the press conference, went back to her hotel, took a whore’s bath, snorted 100 lines of coke cut with crystallized battery acid, and arrived to The White Party looking like this:

Lindsay Lohan At 'Weisses Fest 2014'

Let’s see: giant green bruise on her arm, floppy freckled tit hanging out of her dress, skin like a slimy 2-week-old rotten jack-o-lantern, hair that’s been styled with a melted suppository, overusing bronzer to the point where it looks like a homeless Mr. Hankey is squatting under her cheekbone. Yep, that’s our Lindsay! Reunited and it feeeels so gooood!

But I think I can see where it all started to go wrong. As you can see in the pictures below, Linds starts out looking normal, then sits down at a table in front of a microphone, where she proceeds to get more and more Lohan-y in the face. You don’t have to be a Detective La Toya to guess that clearly the microphone was made of coke and she ate it. Mystery solved!

Pics: Splash, FameFlynet

Lindsay Lohan Promises She Won’t Miss A Single Performance Of Speed-The-Plow (Uh Huh)

July 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Noted lying enthusiast Lindsay Lohan isn’t exactly in the position to be writing checks her ass can’t cash (literally, bitch is the human definition of non-sufficient funds) and yet she’s gone ahead and made the bold claim to BBC News that she won’t miss a single rehearsal or performance of the London revival of Speed-the-Plow. You hear that, Speed-the-Plow producers? Go ahead and return the mangy orange tabby you adopted from the SPCA, because the Apricot Ashtray don’t need no understudy!

But asked if she would be penalised for missing shows or rehearsals in London, she told the BBC: “That’s not going to happen.”

“That’s not on the cards. It’s not. I’m at a place in my life where I like the commitment. I’m looking forward to that part of it.”

The only thing LiLo likes more than bailing on responsibilities is swindling people out of cash, so I have no doubt that crafty ashtray will find a way to get her freckled ass to work. Every day at 4pm, her assistant will call 1-800-GOT-JUNK and tell them that a 120lb pile of orange trash needs to be removed from Lindsay’s hotel room and taken to The Playhouse theatre. Then a group of London rats will carry a passed-out LiLo into her dressing room, where she’ll wait for the director to find her with a note pinned to her shirt that reads: “I’m here! Pay up, bitches.” Remember, she didn’t promise she’d do a good job, just that she wasn’t going to miss a show. That sneaky loophole-finding LiLo.

Lindsay also warned BBC News that she is planning on moving to London because people see her as a ~serious~ actress there:

“For a long time, people looked at me as kind of a celebrity, which is something I never wanted. That’s not what I got into this industry for…People kind of forgot that, and I think now is a good time. And what better than to do it with the great people that I’m working with on stage in London…so that people can focus on the fact that I’m in this industry because I’m an actress and an artist and not just someone you take photos of?”

Yeah right. She’s probably moving to London because she saw an episode of Simon in the Land of Chalk Drawings and wants to find out where she can get her hands on the super-powerful shit that lets him talk to pictures.

Here’s more of LiLo in London having brunch (aka breakfast cocktails) with her friends on Saturday morning. Damn, even when she cleans up, she still looks rough. I feel like Oliver and the rest of his Dickensian street urchin pals would be like “Oh shit, you touched LiLo? Go wash your hands.”

Pics: Splash

Lindsay Lohan Celebrated Her 28th Birthday By Officially Suing The Makers Of Grand Theft Auto

July 2, 2014 / Posted by:

That crime scene tape really ties together the whole “middle-aged parking lot hooker found passed out in a Porta-Potty at a NASCAR race” look.

Lindsay Lohan turns 28 today, which means she isn’t getting a membership card to The 27 Club, which means she’ll live forever. When we’re all on our death beds, the nurse next to us will be flipping through her iHologramTablet and say to us, “It’s Lindsay Lohan Sheen Richardson Franco’s 94th birthday today and the judge dismissed the charges she got for killing a bunch of toddlers to sell their tiny organs on the black market for jenkem money.” (Yes, jenkem will be making a comeback in 66 years). LiLo will outlive us all! LiLo is a cracked out vampire and coke is her human blood. Since LiLo’s going to need more quick cash to buy more of her life elixir, she has officially filed one of the most ridiculous lawsuits of all-time.

Last December, LiLo’s lawyers (read: White Oprah who traded legal advice for sloppy handjobs with a janitor at LegalZoom) threatened to sue the makers of Grand Theft Auto V for basing a character on her without paying up. It took them 6 months, but they finally filed that lawsuit in a Manhattan court today. LiLo’s lawyers claim that the character of Lacey Jonas is a total copy + paste job, and now I really want to play Grand Theft Auto V, because I really way to play challenges where I get to hit tricks in the head with a vodka bottle at the club and suck off hoteliers for 8-balls and fashion show tickets. That sounds fun! Here’s the details from that mess of a lawsuit via Yahoo:

Lohan’s suit says a character named Lacey Jonas is an “unequivocal” reference to the “Mean Girls” and “Freaky Friday” star.

The suit says Lohan’s image, voice and styles from her clothing line are depicted. It says the game features West Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont hotel, where Lohan once lived.

The character also seeks help skirting paparazzi.

So the character is a fame whore who gets followed by the paparazzi and lives at a hotel in West Hollywood? That description is what you would get if you shoved Parasite Hilton, Brit Brit, Amanda Bynes, Lindsay Lohan and every other mess into a Vitamix and turned it on. LiLo should immediately fire White Oprah and that LegalZoom janitor as her lawyers, because they don’t know what they’re doing. What they should’ve done is accused Rockstar of using LiLo’s likeness for the character of Trevor:

trevorgrandtheftauto

The likeness is undeniable. The case would’ve been wrapped up in a second. The court would’ve awarded LiLo complete control of Rockstar, she would’ve changed the name to CrackRocksStar before running the company into the ground and snorting up its ashes. What could’ve been…

Here’s LiLo giving you lot lizard chic in NYC today.

Pics: Splash

SHOCK OF THE CENTURY: Lindsay Lohan Was Telling The Truth About Speed-The-Plow

June 26, 2014 / Posted by:

When Lindsay Lohan told The New York Times that she was in London to do a revival of the David Mamet play Speed-The-Plow, I laughed and said, “Yeah, and a naked Alexander Skarsgard is waiting for me in my shower,” and then I weeped because the only thing waiting for me in my shower is a ratty, torn-up shower puff and grout mildew. Well, the FAA better warn pilots about flying pigs Kardashians in the sky, because truthful words actually came out of Lindsay Lohan’s lie hole. LiLo’s going to be on the stage and I’m not talking about the second stage in a Spearmint Rhino during lunch hour on a Wednesday. She’s going to be on the London stage! LiLo should grab that glass of champagne behind her and celebrate. Did I type champagne? I meant sparkling chamomile tea, of course.

Playbill says that LiLo’s understudy LiLo will star in Speed-The-Plow at The Playhouse Theater in London from September 24th to November 29th. I know, LiLo would sign up for something with “speed” and “plow” in its title. Lindsay Posner will direct and no other casting has been announced, because producers are still searching masochist sites for any actors who are willing to suffer massive amounts of pain while working with that leathery thorn in the ass. The producers released this synopsis about the play:

“When a hugely bankable star agrees to appear in a sure-fire commercial hit, film producers Bobby Gould and Charlie Fox are convinced this is the break of a lifetime. That is until Karen (played by Lindsay Lohan), a temporary secretary, derails the dream. When she persuades Bobby to dump the blockbuster in favour of a story which can only be described as box-office poison, Charlie is forced to resort to desperate measures….”

In other words, LiLo plays a trick who tries to fuck her way to the top and fails at it. That sums up the last 4 years of her career. She’s perfect for it!

I was going to say that Lindsay Posner should say “RIP!” to the hair on his head, but I looked at a picture of him and he’s bald. So he should say “RIP!” to the skin covering his skull, because he’s going to need to rip out something in frustration when LiLo shows up 6 hours late for the 800th time, suggests a pole dancing scene in the middle of act 1 and tells him that she really feels like her character needs to wear a gold Rolex that may or may not go missing one week into the play’s run.

Pic: Instagram

Mega Slut Adam Levine Did Not Wet Hump On Lindsay Lohan, So Says Adam Levine

June 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above with four friends he really relates to on an intellectual level, the mutated dirty tampon Adam Levine was on Howard Stern yesterday and Howard brought up Adam’s appearance on Lindsay Lohan’s list of famous and famous-ish slam pieces. The first rule of The Lindsay Lohan Fuck Piece Club is that you NEVER EVER admit to being in The Lindsay Lohan Fuck Piece Club. Because if you ever say the words, “I boned Lindsay Lohan,” the CDC will drop from the sky, drag you into a quarantine tent and boil your skin in hot ammonia for 30 days before tagging you and releasing you back into the wild. If you screw LiLo, you keep that between you, her and the new STD you two made while rubbing your skank bodies together. James Franco keeps denying that he ever stuck his douche stick in LiLo’s freckled plate of Hamburger Helper and now Adam Levine is denying the same thing.

“That’s not true. I did not have sexual intercourse with Lindsay Lohan.

When Howard asked Adam why dudes won’t admit to screwing LiLo, he dribbled out this nonsensical dingle:

That’s because I think we’re being truthful about that very specific thing. I can fucking see it on the paper, I’m getting much better at this!”

I don’t know what that means and I don’t think Adam Levine knows what that means. The burning sensation in his peen lips reminding him that he probably did screw Lindsay Lohan messed with his brains and he shat out a word salad without the dressing. You know, if a jar of old kitchen grease had tits, Adam Levine would fuck that jar full of old kitchen grease. He’d probably do it if it didn’t have tits, so I’m sure he did bone LiLo. But like every dude who bones LiLo, he’s never going to admit it unless he runs out of money, needs medical attention and wants to get to the front of the line at the free clinic.

Adam also did an interview with GQ where he was asked how he feels about being called a douchebag:

“Would it be really easy to assume that I was a douchebag? Definitely. One hundred percent. But that doesn’t mean that I am. Or maybe I am, I don’t know. Okay. So I’m gonna get really intricately self-reflective right now and ask myself the hard questions, to find out, once and for all, definitively, whether or not I’m a douchebag.”

All together now, “SPOILER ALERT, YES, you’re a douchebag!”

GQ also asked him why does it seem like he only dates models. Adam let out another stream of rambling foolery:

“Preference should never be looked down upon. Unless it’s based on something really shitty. I’m not saying I have a preference, but like, I want to date someone. Listen, there are a lot of women in this country, in many countries, who date men for their money. Okay? That’s despicable. Right? That’s not what we’re talking about here. Whatever does it for you, man. I don’t like feet. You know what I mean? But some people do. Some people have fucking foot fetishes. And it’s weird to me. But I don’t have to deal with it, because I don’t have that. You know?”

Listening to Adam on Howard Stern and reading his GQ interview made me like him for a split, quick millisecond. He is a mess. Listening to and reading his thought process is like watching a drunk bitch with physical Tourettes speed down the freeway in a car with a stuck shifter. He goes all over the place and I keep waiting for him to crash and get to the point. He’s like a Woody Allen character if Woody Allen wrote a movie for the Vice crowd.

And here’s the living and breathing positive gonorrhea test outside of Letterman yesterday.

Pics: Wenn.com

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