A Messy Lindsay Lohan Got Kicked Out Of A Bar After Spitting In Someone’s Face On Friday Night

January 10, 2016 / Posted by:

No, you didn’t fall into a time warp that transported back to the ‘passed out in a grey hoodieLindsay Lohan years. This happened in this year, 2016. According to Radar, Dina Lohan’s two daughters got kicked out of a Manhattan bar on Friday night for acting like two trashy messes. “That’s my girlsssss” burped Dina in between glugs of vodka.

It all started late on Friday night when Lindsay (who I guess is on vacation from her full-time job of yacht hopping and Instagram tea hustling) and Ali Lohan and some of their friends barged into a place called Vbar and ran straight to the bathroom. After 20 minutes, a bartender knocked on the door and asked them to come out. When they wouldn’t come out, the bartender told them they had to leave, and that’s when LiLo swung open the door and went full-Lohan.

Rather than slink back out into the street without causing a scene, the Apricot Ashtray became “aggressive and belligerent“, and allegedly started screaming at a West African bartender in a not-right African accent. A source claims LiLo’s eyes were glazed over, and she hissed “This is New York. You’re not from here.” Shockingly, that’s not the trashiest thing that came out of Lindsay’s mouth that night.

“They wouldn’t leave and all hell was breaking loose and that’s when Lindsay spat in our friend’s face. The bar then erupted and everyone was yelling at them to leave.”

Eventually LiLo and Ali left, but they returned a short while later to stand outside the bar and film people with their cellphones, and slam their hands against the windows. But it doesn’t end there! Radar says that half an hour later, one of LiLo’s friends returned to the bar and tried to fight a bartender. When a bar patron started recording it, he grabbed their phone and tried to run off with it. That’s when the police were called, but Lindsay and Ali Lohan were long gone. The bartender denied to press charges against LiLo’s friend.

But what did Lindsay do next? Well, Lindsay responded to this mess by throwing up an inspirational quote to Instagram. Which is sort of ironic, considering the person she spat on will probably throw up every time they remember that time Lindsay Lohan hocked a toxic loogie in their face.

Pic: Wenn.com

Jennifer Lawrence Pissed Off The Lohans

December 15, 2015 / Posted by:

Jennifer Lawrence has already said that a man’s fart fumes are her Spanish Fly and she’s admitted to being a sink pisser. On The Late Show with Stephen Colbert last night, JLaw decided to talk about another bodily function. No, she didn’t talk about her period berries. I’m sure she’s saving that for the next press tour. JLaw talked about how she’s always barfing. I know, Jennifer Lawrence is so damn relatable and so real that it makes me want to barf. JLaw puked up these stream of words about being a puker, and she woke up the fame whore beast while doing so:

“I puked yesterday. I’m a puker. I’m a big-time puker. I don’t stop working, because I’m a show pony. I don’t have a choice. So I just keep going and eventually my body’s just like, ‘If we don’t make her barf or pass out, she won’t stop.’ I get like Lindsay Lohan grade exhaustion, but without any drugs or alcohol. I’m always in bed early and I’m still tired.”

You can watch the entire interview here if you want.

Five minutes after Jennifer Lawrence said the name “Lindsay Lohan” out loud and on TV, I’m sure a passed out LiLo was awakened by her phone vibrating from the Google Alerts that alert her to the fact that someone famous said her name in the year 2015. Jennifer Lawrence and Lindsay Lohan sort of have a history….

LiLo supposedly said in a drunken interview once that JLaw fucks for roles (LiLo’s rep denied she said that). LiLo also slapped on JLaw on Twitter for making a really harmless joke about Meryl Streep at the Golden Globes. So maybe Jennifer Lawrence was getting a bitch back, or maybe she doesn’t care about that shit LiLo said and simply pulled that crack out of her ass. Whatever the case may be, LiLo and her sister, the Curious Case of Ali Lohan, took JLaw’s joke real seriously. Ali Lohan tweeted that she’s disappointed in Jennifer Lawrence and is no longer a fan. LiLo re-tweeted that tweet and later brought Maya Angelou into it:

So many “getting high” jokes, so little time. But seriously, it’s weird that LiLo posted the revised version of Maya’s poem. The original would’ve been much more fitting in this situation. The original goes like this:

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, I’ll fuck your man and steal your purse, bitch!

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Lindsay Lohan Dressed Up Like Sharon Tate On Charles Manson’s Birthday

November 13, 2015 / Posted by:

So far this year, the one-time reigning Queen of Attention Whores has done sad, bottom of the barrel stunts like announce that she may run for president and flash a fake engagement ring at a party. Pure amateur attention whore shit. Lindsay Lohan’s latest stunt is just as low-level and she’s truly not making the most of her natural attention whore skills. Yesterday was the anniversary of the day that Lucifer butt birthed out Charles Manson and it was also the day that Lindsay Lohan Instagrammed a picture of herself in Sharon Tate drag. LiLo captioned the pic with this and I was going to say that she forgot to add the #LOOKATME hashtag but every one of her hashtags translates into #LOOKATME.

sharonstoneinstagramnote

Lindsay Lohan may look like Sharon Tate currently, but other than that, I have no idea how that look is Sharon Tate inspired. It looks more like a Coachella business suit. And there are a few explanations for this, so let’s go over them real quick:

1. LiLo didn’t know it was Charles Manson’s birthday and can’t let go of playing Sharon Tate in a movie.

2. LiLo did know it was Charles Manson’s birthday, but decided to spend the day honoring the victims.

3. She did it solely for attention.

I know, I don’t even know why I bothered writing #1 and #2. And well, I’d rather see LiLo do her best Sharon Tate than look at another heave-inducing picture of her making food look like an alien autopsy:

My joy BokChoy @miss_mayfair #result of a bad blow dry in rainy UK #foodart

A photo posted by Lindsay Lohan (@lindsaylohan) on

via Gossip Cop 

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Michael Lohan And Kate Major Lost Custody Of Their Sons

November 3, 2015 / Posted by:

It took them only two years, but  last week the Florida Department of Children and Families snatched away Michael Lohan and Kate Major’s little sons after finally figuring out that these two train wrecks shouldn’t be allowed to care for a rock, let alone two human children. Michael and Kate’s sons, 2-year-old Landon and 10-month-old Logan, were put in foster care overnight before his mother Marilyn Lohan flew in from Long Island to be their temporary guardian. The ghost of The Situation’s future and broke down Tara Reid went to court in Florida today to try to get their boys back. It didn’t happen. Marilyn Lohan now has custody of them.

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Michael Lohan And Kate Major’s Kids Got Taken Away From Them

November 2, 2015 / Posted by:

The Lohans have been one of America’s first family of fuckery for a while now and those wrecks aren’t slowing down anytime soon. Lindsay Lohan is pathetically flashing a fake engagement ring for attention. Michael Lohan Jr. got arrested in NYC for allegedly using a fake “executive branch” place card on his car. And now Michael Lohan got his kids taken away by the Florida Department of Children and Families. White Oprah is not going to let them get all of the shine and I expect her to show them all up by stealing an orphan before drunkenly crashing into a jewelry store with a fake handicapped permit on her car.

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Lindsay Lohan Is Thinking Of Running For President

October 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan let the world know via Instagram that she’s mulling running for POTUS. I don’t even know where to begin. Actually, I do – she does know the “White House” doesn’t refer to the stuff she’s snorted only 10 times, right? This one probably thinks there’s just piles of gak laying around the Oval Office.

lindsaylohanIn #2020 I may run for president. Through ups and downs #YESWECAN lets do this @kanyewest 🇺🇸 #truespirits thank your for inspiring us to be better people @barackobama #kanyewest2020 #lindsaylohanat35 #lindsaylohan2020 with #34yearsofEXPERIENCE 🙏🏻 #unitingWORLDnations @aliforneycenter @savethesociety @unicef

The first thing I would like to do as president of is take care of all of the children suffering in the world. #queenELIZABETH showed me how by having me in her country

Kanye West ain’t shit for inspiring this.

Does she know you need a job first before you can be president? Does she know that ALLEGEDLY blowing rich dudes from the Middle East doesn’t count as a job in that regard? (Although who knows, maybe she could be the president who finally stops the fighting through fellatio.) 29-years-old and she looks like your great-aunt from Boca who stills keeps her Kools in a pleather cigarette case and lets the Tanqueray guide her in lipstick application.

Although, a drunken Dina Lohan as First Enabler passed out in lane 3 of the White House bowling alley would be funny.

Here’s pics of Lohan arriving to and departing from a party at Morton’s in London below.

Pics: WENN, Getty

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Lindsay And Dina Lohan’s Coke Lawsuit Against Fox News Got Thrown Out

September 18, 2015 / Posted by:

Great, now Cody Lohan has to smear his face with dirt, put on his rag costume, grab his cardboard sign and stand in front of the supermarket to peddle for vodka money for his mom, because their Fox News settlement money is not coming.

Earlier this year, Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah tossed a lawsuit at Fox News because a guest on Sean Hannity’s show accused them of doing coke together. A few days after Phillip Seymour Hoffman died, Sean Hannity did a segment on his show called, “Early Train Wrecks And Tragedies About To Happen,” and one of his guests, Michelle Fields, said that White Oprah does coke with her daughter. Fox News quickly apologized. But since apologies aren’t going to pay White Oprah’s bar tab, she and LiLo threw a defamation lawsuit at Fox News. They claimed that Michelle Fields’ comment smeared and stained their pristine reputations. They do have a point, because their reputations are as pure as a baby bunny’s first tear.

White Oprah and LiLo, of course, wanted cash. They’re not getting a dime, though, because TMZ says that a judge tossed the case out of court today. The judge declared that the comment wasn’t made “maliciously,” their both public figures and LiLo has admitted to snorting the bad shit before. This old recording of LiLo saying that White Oprah did coke also probably didn’t help:

White Oprah and LiLo also sued Michelle Fields. TMZ doesn’t know if that lawsuit also ended up in the dumpster.

This is an INJUSTICE and I hope LiLo appeals. Because Michelle Fields’ claim is false and it is damaging to LiLo’s reputation. Michelle Fields basically said that LiLo shares and now everybody’s going to think that LiLo will share her shit with them. LiLo needs to take this all the way to the Supreme Court!

Pic: Splash

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Britney Spears Might Be Dating One Of Lindsay Lohan’s Leftovers

September 13, 2015 / Posted by:

Yum! Ah love leftovers!

It’s been almost three months since Britney Spears (or the team assigned to handle her dating life) called it quits with that dude who looks like a cleaned up version of Mac from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. And now it looks like Las Vegas’ richest karaoke performer is ready to dive awkwardly fall off a floaty chair back into the dating pool.

TMZ says that Brit Brit’s latest gentleman caller is Harry Morton, a person who was semi-famous during a time in history I like to call The Von Dutch Hat Years. Harry used to date Lindsay Lohan back in 2006. And he maybe did Paris Hilton. He also recently-ish dated Demi Moore. On the plus side, Harry has a job; he owns douchebag mecca Pink Taco and the Viper Room. According to TMZ, Brit Brit and Harry went on a sushi date in Studio City on Friday night (you can see the truly gripping pictures of said date here). No word on whether or not Harry will be Brit Brit’s next contract boyfriend, but he did make it to the first date stage of auditions, so that’s a good sign.

I’m not sure how I feel about Brit Brit and Harry Morton. I know it’s wrong to judge a dick by its cover, but when its been covered by questionable coochie (see: Paris Hilton’s), I get a little skeptical. And really, what do they have in common besides a love of tacos? If only Brit Brit could find a fellow animatronic Vegas icon to date. Is Vegas Vic single?

Here’s the man Jayden James and Sean Preston might soon be calling “Unky Harry” leaving Craig’s restaurant last night.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Lindsay Lohan Bailed On A Visit To Canada And Her Criminal Record Might Be To Blame

September 12, 2015 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan, seen above proving why it’s so important to get vaccinated, was supposed to make an appearance during the Toronto International Film Festival on Sunday. No, she wasn’t there to present a special 8th anniversary screening of the modern cinematic masterpiece I Know Who Killed Me (I wish). Page Six says she was supposed to be at a club on Sunday night to promote her upcoming film Inconceivable. Unfortunately, everybody who was hoping to catch a glimpse of the Apricot Ashtray is about to let out a disappointed sigh of sadness, because LiLo will not be there. And because we’re dealing with the poster child for lying, nobody has a straight answer for why Lindsay is bailing.

According to the event organizer, it’s because “the timing did not work out for everyone to get to Toronto.” So basically, Lindsay couldn’t get her ass on a plane from whatever place her most current gentleman friend’s yacht is parked in. However other sources are whispering it’s because she has a criminal record and Canada don’t play that. One source said:

“Canada is pretty strict about that. It is not easy to get in if you have had any type of record.”

Other sources claim it has nothing to do with LiLo’s collection of mug shots and everything to do with her being a demanding freckled diva. They say Lindsay refused to fly to Toronto unless it was in first class. Obviously a movie that barely exists on the internet doesn’t have a budget big enough for such shenanigans, so when they slid a coach ticket into her hands, she decided she wasn’t going.

A rep for the producers of Inconceivable told Page Six: “I just know she was not able to come” because she is “busy.” It’s true – hustling tea on Instagram is a very demanding job.

I’m a Canadian person, so I totally know what’s going on here. Back in 2012, there was a massive million-dollar maple syrup heist. Lindsay Lohan is known to have sticky fingers, so who knows how much sweet sweet syrup a pro like LiLo would able to stuff into her carry-on? Canada can’t take that kind of a chance.

Pic: Wenn.com

Lindsay Lohan Is Still Living The Life

August 30, 2015 / Posted by:

I call this next one The Limber Ashtray. Hey, off topic, but do you mind if I crash here for the next couple of months? I’m sorta in between yachts.

This freckled trick truly won the Powerball lottery of life. While the rest of us were waking up with discount red wine gut bloat on a questionably-stained IKEA mattress (just me? okay), Lindsay Lohan chased her messy naked Italian wedding rampage with waking up on some rich asshole’s fancy yacht in St. Tropez. I know. It’s like, who needs a job and responsibilities when you can do yoga poses on the deck of a yacht in your (probably stolen) underpants?

Lindsay has been Instagramming pics of herself on some yacht – which will no doubt be christened the S. S. Steam Clean This Boat ASAP once she’s done with it – all weekend. She also posted a truly WTF video of herself doing some kind of skanky poop deck strip club dance. But she quickly yanked it down, because apparently Lindsay Lohan does have one last brain cell competent enough to put a hand on her shoulder and whisper “Girl, no.” Thankfully, TMZ and the rest of the internet saved a copy. Warning: The following makes Showgirls look like Swan Lake.

Oh boy. I am not entirely sure what I just saw. It was either Lindsay Lohan’s audition tape for her next yacht stay, or Samara from The Ring‘s slutty older sister filming her own scary tape. I’ll know for sure if I receive a collect call from St. Tropez and the voice on the other end croaks “In seven days…you should go get tested at your local free clinic.

Pic: Instagram

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