Seen above hawking designer coke in a single-serving bag (it’s actually oil-pulling crap for your teefs) on Instagram, Lindsay Lohan is free of being on probation and it only took her a million and one years to do it. What a true American hero and charitable saint.
When TMZ said yesterday that LiLo actually completed all 125 community service hours, I threw my best skeptical bitch side-eye. I was preparing to not be surprised by her trying pass off “holding a drunken White Oprah’s hair while that mess barfed into a toilet” and “flashing her freckled chest dumplings at construction workers” as community service. But today, Judge Mark A. Young signed off on her community service hours and released her from probation. Meanwhile, the A/C in Pimp Mama Kris’ mansion just dropped to freezing temperatures by itself and somewhere Guy Fieri oinked out a “huh?” as wings suddenly sprouted from his back. Judge Mark said these words we thought we’d never ever hear:
“It does appear Ms. Lohan fully complied with her community service obligation. Probation is terminated as of today.”
“It does appear…” Even Judge Mark needed a trick to pinch him four times, because he couldn’t believe what his eyes were seeing. It’s like when I look at my checking account statement and don’t see a negative balance. It’s a real “this fucking can’t be” moment.
After Judge Mark declared that LiLo is probation-free after nearly 8 years, she twatted out a thank you speech like she won a damn Oscar.
Clean slate, fresh start 💕 🙏 pic.twitter.com/cQgszKy8e5
— Lindsay Lohan (@lindsaylohan) May 28, 2015
Shawn Holley didn’t read that, because she was too busy doing cartwheels of freedom down the sidewalks of L.A. And everybody better put on a helmet, clutch onto a rosary, pray to Hay-Soos and keep your baby strollers off of the streets, because now that LiLo’s free from probation, nothing’s in her way.
The last time I wrote about Lindsay Lohan, she had only 16 days to do 115 hours of cummunity (typo and it stays) service. If she didn’t finish servicing the community by tomorrow, she’d face jail. No, really, the judge was planning to take her to a jail cell and make her face it while saying, “This is a jail cell and you’re totally going to end up in it if you don’t do your community service by the next hearing. I really mean it this time. Now, let’s go get martinis.”
TMZ says that LiLo supposedly achieved the impossible. She finished all her community service hours. Apparently, the prosector Terry White has already confirmed that LiLo completed all the hours she was supposed to complete. No word yet if she tried to pass off crap like “act in a play” and “let fans follow her around” as community service.
TMZ claims that LiLo did what millions of people do for decades and decades: she worked for 8 hours a day. She “worked” (read: showed the kids a triple feature of I Know Who Killed Me, Liz & Dick and The Canyons to show them what kind of decisions you make when you’re on the bad shit) at that children’s center in Brooklyn, an LGBT youth center and a women’s shelter. Promises Malibu better keep their Lindsay Lohan Suite vacant for her, because she’s going to need to check in and be treated for an extreme case of the tireds after working that much.
LiLo’s lawyer Shawn Holley will be in court tomorrow and is expected to prove that the freckled tornado of messiness did 125 hours of community service. If TMZ is right, LiLo will be off of probation for the first time in 7 years. Tomorrow the world may become a place where the justice system is free of Lindsay Lohan (for now). Once the judge takes a bolt cutter to LiLo’s probation shackles, I fully expect a naked Prince Hot Ginge to land crotch-first on my face as a vodka-pissing chartreuse unicorn flies out of my asshole, because we’ll obviously be living in a time when anything and everything is possible.
And now in sky is blue/water is wet news, Lindsay Lohan is already trying to weasel her way out of completing her community service and avoid going to jail. I hope you didn’t hit your head on anything during that fainting spell you no doubt just had from the shock of it all.
According to TMZ, LiLo knows there’s a very good chance she won’t complete her delinquent community service hours (“No shit” said the staff who waited 2 hours for her ass to show up on her first day), but she also knows that if she doesn’t finish her hours, there’s a chance she might end up in jail. She also knows that a court can’t extradite her over a reckless driving misdemeanor, so she has planned to skip town and hide out in Monaco. The Apricot Ashtray has apparently been telling her friends and family that she has a “rich friend” who has offered up his hotel in Monaco and given her permission to stay as long as she’d like. Even that shameless mooch Dina Lohan is side-eying that arrangement, like “What’s the catch?”
Regardless of whether or not she completes her community service, TMZ says that Lohan plans on taking her friend up on his offer and will stay in Monaco for a while. That loud whooshing sound you just heard was the city of London breathing a giant sigh of relief.
I know LiLo is beyond desperate to avoid doing actual work, but this might be a new personal best for that freckled con artist. She’s literally running away. And for what? It’s not like the court won’t keep giving her extensions on her community service to avoid sending her to jail. Lindsay could be 98-years-old and a hologram of a judge will be like “We’re giving you till March 1st, 2085, and that’s it!”
Here’s Lindsay doing a practice run for her future escape to Monaco yesterday in NYC:
As all of our asses know, Lindsay Lohan has only 16 days to cram in 115 hours of community service or a judge could send her to jail. HA. Like that’s going to happen. The chance of me butt birthing out a baby unicorn that knows the exact burial place of Jimmy Hoffa is greater than Lindsay Lohan actually going to jail.
On Monday night, LiLo Instagrammed some shit about being back in NYC, so everyone thought she would start her community service at the Duffield Children’s Center in Brooklyn on Tuesday morning. But since LiLo is LiLo and lying to her is like breathing in air, she lied about being in NYC on Monday. She was still in London. She didn’t land in NYC until yesterday afternoon. That being said, LiLo is SERIOUSLY SERIOUS about community service this time. TMZ says she’s staying in a hotel near the children’s center. She is so serious that she only showed up 2 hours late this morning. Hey, it’s actually impressive that bitch showed up at all. I figured she’d be a no-show and blame it on the “walking malaria” she caught on the plane ride over or say that her evil twin once again locked her in her hotel room and wouldn’t let her out. The Parent Trap is real.
Although if you’ve only done 9 hours and 45 minutes of the required 125, that would technically be considered starting and not completing, right? Then again, starting implies it will get finished, and we all know there’s a snowball’s chance in hell of that happening. Regardless of what the correct word for whatever she’s doing is, the NY Daily News says that Lindsay Lohan will try to complete all those missing community service hours at a preschool in Brooklyn. A preschool. Take it away, Helen Lovejoy!
A “source” (a chardonnay-drunk Dina Lohan yelling into a Fisher-Price Chatter Telephone) says that Lindsay will be arriving in Brooklyn some time today and will begin her community service at the Duffield Children’s Center in Fort Greene on Tuesday. I’m sure that freckle-covered con artist is already working on her excuse to get out of it. “You didn’t say WHICH Tuesday! So long, suckers!” she cackles, as she boards a private jet bound for Fiji.
Lindsay has until May 28th to complete the remaining 115 hours of her community service. That works out to a little more than six-and-a-half hours every day for 17 days. I’m no Miss Cleo, but I’ve got a feeling my fingers will be typing the words “Lindsay Lohan claims she has a mysterious illness and can’t finish community service” sometime in the very near future.
Maybe that’s why LiLo chose to work at a preschool; she thought she could scam the system by listing her community service hours completed as “eleventy-hundred” and getting one of the 4-year-olds sign off on it. That, or the constant naps and juice.
We’re all totally shocked, aren’t we. I hope the force from our jaws dropping at the same time didn’t throw the Earth off its axis. So, remember back in February when Lindsay Lohan tried to pass off her performances in Speed-The-Plow as community service? And then a judge called bullshit and told her she had three months to make up 125 community service hours? Well, TMZ says she still hasn’t done them, and she only has 3 weeks left to complete her hours. Sweet Salty Jesus, it’s like we’re stuck on a goddamn freckled nonsense merry-go-round.
Despite the fact that she recently posted a picture of her alleged community service to Instagram, the community service organization in London that Lohan has been working with has told prosecutors that she’s completed less than 20 hours. To put that into perspective, that’s like taking 3 months to watch I Know Who Killed Me ten times. I know it’s a struggle to watch that shit even once, but come on – if it was that or going to jail…actually, bad example.
Lindsay is due in court today for a progress hearing, and TMZ says that the prosecutor plans on asking the judge for a warrant for her arrest. However, TMZ says there’s no extradition for a misdemeanor, which means the Apricot Ashtray could just stay in London and an arrest would never happen.
This whole mess is the result of a reckless driving charge from 2012, so you’d think that at some point during those 3 years that at least one person in that courtroom would clue in and realize Lindsay Lohan is never going to complete her community service. They might as well sentence her to 300 hours of unicorn wrangling or showing up to work on time. Stop trying to make Lindsay Lohan’s community service happen, it’s not going to happen!
Speaking of, here’s Lindsay being too busy to do community service in London last week. Or maybe blowing greasy air kisses at the paps she called and collecting free shit from a boutique is her community service?
UPDATE: Remember before when I said Lindsay finished less than 20 hours of community service? According to TMZ, LiLo’s lawyer Shawn Holley admitted to the judge that it was actually 9 hours and 45 minutes. LiLo’s excuse this time: the community service center is too far away. She’s asked that Lindsay finish the rest of her hours in Brooklyn, NY. She has till May 28th to complete 115 hours or else “there will be consequences.”
Ha! I bet even Lindsay Lohan’s reflection in the mirror is giving her “Sure, Jan” face right now. So, remember a few days ago when the Apricot Ashtray threw up a picture on Instagram of the words “You’re a donkey” in Arabic with the words “You’re beautiful“ incorrectly written underneath in English? Well, Lindsay wants you to know it was all just a joke and it definitely didn’t have anything to do with any of her Middle Eastern ‘business friends’ trolling her in real life. Lindsay tried to clear her name by Instagramming a picture of a Valentino purse she will no doubt later search for on Bag Borrow or Steal (“The third option is my favorite“) with the following caption:
“FYI- The funny thing is-the Arabic photo I posted was an inside joke w/friend to test my Arabic w/out Google translation. So, was already known what it was.”
Give me a second, I need to translate that from Confusing to English. But if it was just a joke, then why did she yank it down so fast after everybody called her out? Or why didn’t she write that in the first place? I have no idea. Understanding Lindsay Lohan’s brain isn’t something I have the mental strength to tackle today.
I know Lindsay is so determined to speak a bunch of different languages, but she really needs to pick one and get good at it before moving on. She can barely handle English! Not to mention her piss-poor American Sign Language skills; she clearly hasn’t learned anything beside the letter V. Forget new purses, bitch needs Rosetta Stone.
Here’s more of the aspiring English
rose bouquet of dollar store silk flowers strolling around London on Thursday:
The last time we checked on What Dumb Thing Did Lindsay Lohan Do Now?, the Apricot Ashtray was serving up some busted Photoshop by Salvador Dali skills in an Instagram selfie. Although technically, the last dumb thing she did was trying to deny Dina Lohan the chance of Celebrity Big Brother stardom, but that didn’t happen on the internet, so it doesn’t count (yes, I’m sure Dina later tried to mash her most sober hand against the screen of her iPad in an attempt to curse her out over Skype, but that’s neither here nor there).
Once again, Lindsay’s dumb thing happened on Instagram, but it didn’t involve taking the liquify tool to her body. On Monday, LiLo posted a picture of some Arabic writing with the words “You’re beautiful” in English below it.
The only problem is, the actual translation is “You’re a donkey”. Once freckles realized what happened, she yanked the pic. Frankly, I’m more shocked she spelled “you’re” correctly.
As far as I know, Lindsay Lohan only speaks two languages (English and Lying), so I can’t really swat at her for fucking up the translation of something. It happens! Google translate is a sneaky bitch who will steer you wrong every time. Do you know how many times I’ve tried to translate “I love you” into Polish, only to have one of my relatives inform me that, no, they don’t have access to a “wig plunger” or a “smiling kielbasa“? A lot. The answer is a lot.
But I wonder if she did actually mean “You’re a donkey.” Did she tag her father? It would make sense – he is an ass.
Here’s aspiring motivational Instagram speaker Lindsay Lohan serving up trampy real estate agent Barbie realness (I don’t hate it) while sashaying around London last week:
Alternate title: Just another Thursday night at the Lohan-Major house. Seen above in her most recent post-fight selfie, Kate Major and her husband of 5 months Michael Lohan are at it again, and by it, I of course mean being next-level life messes. Don’t worry, I’ll wait while you wipe the look of fake shock off your face.
TMZ says that on Thursday night, Kate Major proved that she’s coming for Lindsay Lohan’s crown as Messiest Lohan (“Here, you can have it – I tried to pawn it last week, but they told me vodka labels wrapped around American Spirit boxes was worthless” said Lindsay over Skype from an internet cafe in London) by getting drunk and pulling some Street Fighter moves on Michael. Michael claims Kate came home drunk last night and they started fighting, which turned into brawling, which turned into Kate whipping out her legendary acrylic porn star blow job nail tips and scratching him up like a cat on a new couch.
Any trick who says that getting contact drunk isn’t possible has never gotten drunk while staring at that picture.
The producers of Celebrity Big Brother in the UK must have sprained every muscle in their arm, because they have climbed to the top of the highest ladder and are reaching far for the brightest, biggest and A-listiest stars of Hollywood. Case in point: They want Lindsay Lohan’s former pimp Dina Lohan to join the cast. So yeah, when I said that they are reaching for the stars, what I meant is that they are going way beyond the bottom of the barrel. They have picked up the barrel, turned it around and are picking off the worms that cling to its bottom. They might as well change the name of Celebrity Big Brother to Not Even Close To A Celebrity Big Brother.
A source tells TMZ (FYI: “A source” in Latin means “Dina Lohan“) that White Oprah really, really wants to do Celebrity Big Brother, but Lindsay Lohan really, really wants her to turn it down. White Oprah apparently called LiLo on Thursday to tell her the news and you’d think she’d be happy. I mean, White Oprah finally got an actual job that pays actual money for a few weeks. But LiLo isn’t having it. LiLo feels like she’s finally gotten her shit together and if White Oprah comes to England, that mess will fuck it all up for her. LiLo thinks that her mom is a bad luck charm and that foolery follows her wherever she goes. They fought over the phone and then continued to slap at each other through texts.
White Oprah doesn’t think that LiLo can ban her from a country, so she’s planning to go to England anyway.
I see what’s really going on here. It’s pure jealousy at work. How dreadful. LiLo is obviously mad that the producers asked her mom instead of her. LiLo’s thoughts continue to be powered by delusion. Why would the producers ask her? They would never get insurance and they’d have to build a hospital next to the CBB house to treat all the bitches who LiLo hits on the head with a bottle. Besides, White Oprah’s grace, elegance, sophistication and charismatic star power will really class that show up!
And well, we can expect England to declare war on America for sending not one, but two, cracked out messes of mass destruction.