So far this year, the one-time reigning Queen of Attention Whores has done sad, bottom of the barrel stunts like announce that she may run for president and flash a fake engagement ring at a party. Pure amateur attention whore shit. Lindsay Lohan’s latest stunt is just as low-level and she’s truly not making the most of her natural attention whore skills. Yesterday was the anniversary of the day that Lucifer butt birthed out Charles Manson and it was also the day that Lindsay Lohan Instagrammed a picture of herself in Sharon Tate drag. LiLo captioned the pic with this and I was going to say that she forgot to add the #LOOKATME hashtag but every one of her hashtags translates into #LOOKATME.
Lindsay Lohan may look like Sharon Tate currently, but other than that, I have no idea how that look is Sharon Tate inspired. It looks more like a Coachella business suit. And there are a few explanations for this, so let’s go over them real quick:
1. LiLo didn’t know it was Charles Manson’s birthday and can’t let go of playing Sharon Tate in a movie.
2. LiLo did know it was Charles Manson’s birthday, but decided to spend the day honoring the victims.
3. She did it solely for attention.
I know, I don’t even know why I bothered writing #1 and #2. And well, I’d rather see LiLo do her best Sharon Tate than look at another heave-inducing picture of her making food look like an alien autopsy:
via Gossip Cop
It took them only two years, but last week the Florida Department of Children and Families snatched away Michael Lohan and Kate Major’s little sons after finally figuring out that these two train wrecks shouldn’t be allowed to care for a rock, let alone two human children. Michael and Kate’s sons, 2-year-old Landon and 10-month-old Logan, were put in foster care overnight before his mother Marilyn Lohan flew in from Long Island to be their temporary guardian. The ghost of The Situation’s future and broke down Tara Reid went to court in Florida today to try to get their boys back. It didn’t happen. Marilyn Lohan now has custody of them.
The Lohans have been one of America’s first family of fuckery for a while now and those wrecks aren’t slowing down anytime soon. Lindsay Lohan is pathetically flashing a fake engagement ring for attention. Michael Lohan Jr. got arrested in NYC for allegedly using a fake “executive branch” place card on his car. And now Michael Lohan got his kids taken away by the Florida Department of Children and Families. White Oprah is not going to let them get all of the shine and I expect her to show them all up by stealing an orphan before drunkenly crashing into a jewelry store with a fake handicapped permit on her car.
Lindsay Lohan let the world know via Instagram that she’s mulling running for POTUS. I don’t even know where to begin. Actually, I do – she does know the “White House” doesn’t refer to the stuff she’s snorted only 10 times, right? This one probably thinks there’s just piles of gak laying around the Oval Office.
lindsaylohanIn #2020 I may run for president. Through ups and downs #YESWECAN lets do this @kanyewest 🇺🇸 #truespirits thank your for inspiring us to be better people @barackobama #kanyewest2020 #lindsaylohanat35 #lindsaylohan2020 with #34yearsofEXPERIENCE 🙏🏻 #unitingWORLDnations @aliforneycenter @savethesociety @unicef
The first thing I would like to do as president of is take care of all of the children suffering in the world. #queenELIZABETH showed me how by having me in her country
Does she know you need a job first before you can be president? Does she know that ALLEGEDLY blowing rich dudes from the Middle East doesn’t count as a job in that regard? (Although who knows, maybe she could be the president who finally stops the fighting through fellatio.) 29-years-old and she looks like your great-aunt from Boca who stills keeps her Kools in a pleather cigarette case and lets the Tanqueray guide her in lipstick application.
Although, a drunken Dina Lohan as First Enabler passed out in lane 3 of the White House bowling alley would be funny.
Here’s pics of Lohan arriving to and departing from a party at Morton’s in London below.
Pics: WENN, Getty
Great, now Cody Lohan has to smear his face with dirt, put on his rag costume, grab his cardboard sign and stand in front of the supermarket to peddle for vodka money for his mom, because their Fox News settlement money is not coming.
Earlier this year, Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah tossed a lawsuit at Fox News because a guest on Sean Hannity’s show accused them of doing coke together. A few days after Phillip Seymour Hoffman died, Sean Hannity did a segment on his show called, “Early Train Wrecks And Tragedies About To Happen,” and one of his guests, Michelle Fields, said that White Oprah does coke with her daughter. Fox News quickly apologized. But since apologies aren’t going to pay White Oprah’s bar tab, she and LiLo threw a defamation lawsuit at Fox News. They claimed that Michelle Fields’ comment smeared and stained their pristine reputations. They do have a point, because their reputations are as pure as a baby bunny’s first tear.
White Oprah and LiLo, of course, wanted cash. They’re not getting a dime, though, because TMZ says that a judge tossed the case out of court today. The judge declared that the comment wasn’t made “maliciously,” their both public figures and LiLo has admitted to snorting the bad shit before. This old recording of LiLo saying that White Oprah did coke also probably didn’t help:
White Oprah and LiLo also sued Michelle Fields. TMZ doesn’t know if that lawsuit also ended up in the dumpster.
This is an INJUSTICE and I hope LiLo appeals. Because Michelle Fields’ claim is false and it is damaging to LiLo’s reputation. Michelle Fields basically said that LiLo shares and now everybody’s going to think that LiLo will share her shit with them. LiLo needs to take this all the way to the Supreme Court!
“Yum! Ah love leftovers!”
It’s been almost three months since Britney Spears (or the team assigned to handle her dating life) called it quits with that dude who looks like a cleaned up version of Mac from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. And now it looks like Las Vegas’ richest karaoke performer is ready to
dive awkwardly fall off a floaty chair back into the dating pool.
TMZ says that Brit Brit’s latest gentleman caller is Harry Morton, a person who was semi-famous during a time in history I like to call The Von Dutch Hat Years. Harry used to date Lindsay Lohan back in 2006. And he maybe did Paris Hilton. He also recently-ish dated Demi Moore. On the plus side, Harry has a job; he owns douchebag mecca Pink Taco and the Viper Room. According to TMZ, Brit Brit and Harry went on a sushi date in Studio City on Friday night (you can see the truly gripping pictures of said date here). No word on whether or not Harry will be Brit Brit’s next contract boyfriend, but he did make it to the first date stage of auditions, so that’s a good sign.
I’m not sure how I feel about Brit Brit and Harry Morton. I know it’s wrong to judge a dick by its cover, but when its been covered by questionable coochie (see: Paris Hilton’s), I get a little skeptical. And really, what do they have in common besides a love of tacos? If only Brit Brit could find a fellow animatronic Vegas icon to date. Is Vegas Vic single?
Here’s the man Jayden James and Sean Preston might soon be calling “Unky Harry” leaving Craig’s restaurant last night.
Lindsay Lohan, seen above proving why it’s so important to get vaccinated, was supposed to make an appearance during the Toronto International Film Festival on Sunday. No, she wasn’t there to present a special 8th anniversary screening of the modern cinematic masterpiece I Know Who Killed Me (I wish). Page Six says she was supposed to be at a club on Sunday night to promote her upcoming film Inconceivable. Unfortunately, everybody who was hoping to catch a glimpse of the Apricot Ashtray is about to let out a disappointed sigh of sadness, because LiLo will not be there. And because we’re dealing with the poster child for lying, nobody has a straight answer for why Lindsay is bailing.
According to the event organizer, it’s because “the timing did not work out for everyone to get to Toronto.” So basically, Lindsay couldn’t get her ass on a plane from whatever place her most current gentleman friend’s yacht is parked in. However other sources are whispering it’s because she has a criminal record and Canada don’t play that. One source said:
“Canada is pretty strict about that. It is not easy to get in if you have had any type of record.”
Other sources claim it has nothing to do with LiLo’s collection of mug shots and everything to do with her being a demanding freckled diva. They say Lindsay refused to fly to Toronto unless it was in first class. Obviously a movie that barely exists on the internet doesn’t have a budget big enough for such shenanigans, so when they slid a coach ticket into her hands, she decided she wasn’t going.
A rep for the producers of Inconceivable told Page Six: “I just know she was not able to come” because she is “busy.” It’s true – hustling tea on Instagram is a very demanding job.
I’m a Canadian person, so I totally know what’s going on here. Back in 2012, there was a massive million-dollar maple syrup heist. Lindsay Lohan is known to have sticky fingers, so who knows how much sweet sweet syrup a pro like LiLo would able to stuff into her carry-on? Canada can’t take that kind of a chance.
“I call this next one The Limber Ashtray. Hey, off topic, but do you mind if I crash here for the next couple of months? I’m sorta in between yachts.”
This freckled trick truly won the Powerball lottery of life. While the rest of us were waking up with discount red wine gut bloat on a questionably-stained IKEA mattress (just me? okay), Lindsay Lohan chased her messy naked Italian wedding rampage with waking up on some rich asshole’s fancy yacht in St. Tropez. I know. It’s like, who needs a job and responsibilities when you can do yoga poses on the deck of a yacht in your (probably stolen) underpants?
Lindsay has been Instagramming pics of herself on some yacht – which will no doubt be christened the S. S. Steam Clean This Boat ASAP once she’s done with it – all weekend. She also posted a truly WTF video of herself doing some kind of skanky poop deck strip club dance. But she quickly yanked it down, because apparently Lindsay Lohan does have one last brain cell competent enough to put a hand on her shoulder and whisper “Girl, no.” Thankfully, TMZ and the rest of the internet saved a copy. Warning: The following makes Showgirls look like Swan Lake.
Oh boy. I am not entirely sure what I just saw. It was either Lindsay Lohan’s audition tape for her next yacht stay, or Samara from The Ring‘s slutty older sister filming her own scary tape. I’ll know for sure if I receive a collect call from St. Tropez and the voice on the other end croaks “In seven days…you should go get tested at your local free clinic.”
Lindsay Lohan, the Blanche DuBois of washed-up messes (because she always depends on the kindness of rich Arab men), is still living the high life in Europe and people are still inviting her to things. LiLo was a guest at the wedding of Justin Etzin (the ambassador of tourism for the Seychelles) and model Lana Zakocela in Florence, and she immediately brought the foolery by showing up in a white dress. LiLo told everyone the dress once belonged to Elizabeth Taylor. I think LiLo’s getting her Taylors confused. I think she meant that she stole the dress from a Lord & Taylor.
Page Six says that during the ceremony LiLo behaved like the polite swan we all know her to be by painting her nails and looking at her phone. The source says that LiLo checked out of the reception early and when she got back to her villa, she stripped down to her naked body and ran around while saying that someone drugged her drink.
The wedding was a 4-day long party and at one event, which had an Eyes Wide Shut theme, LiLo was the DJ. The source says she yelled at some trick for taking a picture of her, spoke in a British accent and played Brandy and Monica’s “The Boy Is Mine” over and over again. LiLo also claimed someone stole her jewelry. (SPOILER ALERT: It was Lindsay. Lindsay even steals her own jewelry.)
A rep for Justin Etzin claims that all of the above did not happen.
Most weddings are boring, but I’d go to any wedding that LiLo was a guest at. Who cares about the bouquet toss and listening to the best man slobber out some cheesy speech. I’d much rather watch LiLo run around naked while screaming in a British accent about how someone stole her necklace as hos in masks fucked around her (that’s what they mean by an “Eyes Wide Shut theme” right?) and “The Boy Is Mine” played on a loop.
P.S. – Playing “The Boy Is Mine” ten times in a row at someone else’s wedding is one of the funniest things LiLo has ever done. We already knew this, but now we really know to never accuse LiLo of having shame.
Page Six says that everyone’s favorite unemployed freckled slacker Lindsay Lohan, a person seen defining the term “a check is a check” by hustling powdered milkshakes on Instagram, recently turned down a check from Burger King. Lindsay was offered the starring role in a commercial for Spicy Chicken Fries, a job which would require her to dress up like a giant chicken fries box and pretend to smoke a chicken fry like a cigarette. Apparently the Apricot Ashtray – who hasn’t technically had a job since Speed-The-Plow ended – thought that shit was degrading, and she and her management company tried to get BK to change the direction of the commercial. BK wouldn’t budge, so Lohan gave the commercial a hard pass.
But a “source” close to the situation (Dina Lohan, who no doubt would love to get her hands on some of those delicious chicken fries) seems to think Lindsay shouldn’t be so damn picky about where her next check comes from.
“She’s broke, sleeping at different guys’ apartments, but she thinks she’s Elizabeth Taylor.”
Ashtray, PLEASE. Has she forgotten that some of the biggest jewels in the crown of Elizabeth Taylor’s career were her perfume commercials? If Lohan was truly committed to idolizing Elizabeth Taylor, she would have slipped on that chicken fry costume, pretended she was on the set of a big-budget studio picture, and delivered all her lines with the confidence of a woman who knows she’s about to cash a check and buy a gorgeous new pair of 8lb diamond earrings and a fresh set of nails.
If Burger King is still interested in Lindsay Lohan, they could always try to sweeten the deal by offering to let her dub the Arabic version of her commercial for an extra $200. I’m sure she’d love the practice.
Here’s Lindsay out shopping in London last week at a store that I mistakenly read as PLINKO.