And In “What Dumb Thing Did Lindsay Lohan Do Now” News…

March 11, 2015 / Posted by:

On Tuesday night, the cold sore England caught from America Lindsay Lohan went to a Kanye West concert in Paris. That’s actually not the dumb thing Lindsay Lohan did, although it is pretty dumb, since going to a Kanye West ‘concert’ usually means paying too much money to stand around in a crowd of dum dums listening to Kanye scream his delusional bus rantings through a microphone. The dumb thing is actually what she did after the show. The Apricot Ashtray posted a picture of Kanye’s concert to Instagram with the caption:

“#kanye&kimAlldaynigga$ fun show #PFW#goodpeople=goodlife all from good moms!!!!!! @dinalohan @krisjenner”

Shortly after she posted it, several Instagram users shot that freckled mess a ‘ho, NO’ side-eye and slapped at her for using the n-word, so she quickly deletednigga$” and re-captioned it: “#kanye&kimAllday fun show #PFW #goodpeople=goodlife all from good moms!!!!!! @dinalohan @krisjenner“. That sneaky trick tried to pretend it never happened. But because it happened on the internet, the original caption was screen grabbed and bitch was busted.

Today, a rep for Lindsay (hi Dina! Don’t stand up too fast or you’ll get the spins) released a statement to The Daily Mail saying that “She is a friend of his, it is his new song, her intention was not to offend anyone and she apologizes.

Now if only she’d issue a statement regarding the rest of the words in that caption. Good people? All from good moms?? Excuse you, but you owe reality an apology.

Pic: Instagram

Lindsay Lohan Tried To “Break The Internet”

March 9, 2015 / Posted by:

And in “What Is Lindsay Lohan Causing Possible Damage To Now” news. London’s current problem Lindsay Lohan is currently unemployed (unless you count juggling lawsuits as a job, in which case bitch is working overtime), which means she has a lot more time to take pictures of herself apropos of nothing. So on Saturday she Tweeted a picture of herself looking like a down-on-her-luck Carmen Sandiego two days before the rent is due with the caption: “Break the Internet with clothes on #majorlooks“.

I’m not sure Lindsay knows how the internet works, because if every picture of a nearly-topless tramp in 10lbs of fake hair could break the internet, Instagram would have already shattered the internet worse than Mama June’s knee cartilage. Or maybe this is just one of the Apricot Ashtray’s classic grifts. First she claims the internet was broken when she got it, then demands she receive a new internet plus a full refund of her money and a handful of coupons. I used to work retail, I know how damaged goods scams work.

Speaking of damaged goods, she also took a picture of her hanging out with the President of the Diskount Hooker Warehouse Kris Jenner and the Kardashian family’s official spackle applicator Joyce Bonelli:

Lindsay Pimp Mama Kris

That sound you just heard was the internet cracking under the weight of PMKs thirsty fame whore game.

Pics: Instagram

Lindsay Lohan And Her Brother Michael Got Slapped With A Restraining Order

February 26, 2015 / Posted by:

BREAKING: For the first time in what seems like an eternity, a judge has actually sort-of punished Lindsay Lohan for something shady. The NY Daily News says that a Manhattan judge took a legal swipe at the Apricot Ashtray and her little brother Michael Lohan Jr. on behalf of their former business partner Fima Potik. In case you have trouble keeping Lindsay Lohan’s current legal problems straight, this is the one about LiLo and her brother getting sued by their former business partner for ripping off a fashion app and marketing it as their own. So basically, stealing (aka the Lohan grift of choice).

On Wednesday, the judge ruled that LiLo, her brother, and their business partner (who isn’t actually just a wine-drunk Dina wearing a top hat and calling herself Mrs. Mister Monopoly, but a dude named Christopher Roth) had to pump the brakes on their app company, Vigme, and hit them with a temporary restraining order to make sure they actually do it, since we all know a Lohan’s word is about as good as a week-old donut.

In turn, the judge said that Potik must compensate LiLo, Mikey Jr., and Christopher Roth against any possible losses by putting up a cash bond of $100,000 within five days. That sound you just heard was a ball of coagulated self-tanner hitting the floor after LiLo heard the words “cash” and “$100,000″ and shit herself. Additionally, both parties still have to give sworn depositions.

Just to recap, Lindsay Lohan currently has three messy piles of legal dog poo festering on the Wee Wee Pad of her life. There’s this app drama, that community service drama, and the defamation lawsuit her and her mother threw at FOX News. I don’t know if Dick Wolf is interested in doing another Law & Order spin-off, but there’s definitely enough material for Law & Order: Freckled Court-Clogging Grifters.

Lindsay Lohan Thinks Her Acting Is A Gift To The Community And She Should Get Credit For It (UPDATE)

February 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan is still scrambling to do whatever she can to keep the judge in L.A. from declaring that she violated probation by not completing 240 community service hours. LiLo already tried to pass off stage door “meet and greets” and letting kids follow her around all day as community service. She also got Esurance to donate $10,000 to CSV, the London-based community service organization that is keeping track of her hours. Well, now TMZ is saying that LiLo tried to count her performance in Speed-The-Plow as community service. Yes, LiLo keeps finding ways to redefine the definition of shameless, but I don’t even know why she’s trying. She could flip off the judge while saying, “Here’s proof of my community service hours, Judge Cunty McEatMe,” and the judge would still let her go and probably sentence themselves to jail for wasting her time.

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Lindsay Lohan Isn’t Trying To Bribe Her Way Out Of Jail, Okay?

February 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan is going back to her home away from the Chateau Marmont, an L.A. courtroom, tomorrow, to show the judge that she completed all 240 hours of her community service. The prosector Terry White has been going over the hours that LiLo supposedly completed through a London-based organization called Community Service Volunteers and he squinted his eyes over her trying to pass off meet-and-greets with audience members after Speed-The-Plow as community service. LiLo also tried to say that letting “disadvantaged youth” follow her around should count as a service to the community. LiLo has a point. If those kids were told, “Whatever she did, do the opposite and you’ll be fine,” after following her around, then that truly is community service. Now TMZ is saying that LiLo has brought Esurance into her schemes.

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Lindsay Lohan And Dina Are Suing Fox News For Saying They Do Coke Together

February 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Look at those two stunning pastel yellow angels; I bet that’s the first image that greets your eyes when you approach the gates of Heaven.

E! says that human cigarette Lindsay Lohan and the flawless icon of wino glamour who birthed her Dina Lohan are spending some quality mother-daughter bonding time by suing Fox News together. It all started back in February 2014 on an episode of Hannity, where Sean Hannity and some of his Fox pals were discussing the recent drug overdose of Philip Seymour Hoffman, before debating who might be next (stay classy, Fox News). That’s when Hannity panel guest Michelle Fields threw out Lindsay Lohan’s name and saying “Lindsay’s mom is doing cocaine with her.

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Color Me An Apricot Shade Of Shocked: Lindsay Lohan Managed To Complete Her Community Service In Time (UPDATE)

January 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, it’s official: time travel has been discovered, and the first person to use it correctly is that sneaky sunset-colored con artist Lindsay Lohan so she could go back in time and complete 15 days worth of community service hours before her court date this morning. I don’t know how she did it, but according to TMZ, she did it. This is surely one of the signs of the end times, and I just got really, really nervous.

TMZ says that Community Serve Volunteers in London will send a letter to Lindsay’s lawyer Shawn Holley confirming that she has completed all 240 hours of her required community service. If you see the person in charge of writing reference letters at Community Service Volunteers wearing a fur coat and carrying a self tanner-stained Birkin bag, you’ll know why. NO! I’m sure the Apricot Ashtray didn’t do anything shady to get that letter. She totally got that letter fair and square by busting her ass and servicing the community.

LiLo’s completion of her delinquent community service hours means that she doesn’t have to worry about going back to jail. Please join me in a round of boisterous laughter, because we all know that would never happen. Besides, jail doesn’t want her – they already have a hard enough time keeping jail clean without having to worry about yanking a 27-inch long clump of busted orange hair extensions from the shower drain every morning.

And now that all this messy community service business is behind her, LiLo can finally get back to her true passion: going on vacation!

UPDATE: Radar says the prosecutor who met with Shawn Holley in court this morning is calling shenanigans on LiLo’s community service hours. Apparently LiLo listed a bunch of dates she was stuck in the hospital dealing with that Chikungunya virus as days she logged community service hours. And TMZ says she apparently tried to pass off greeting fans after a performance of Speed-The-Plow as community service. Oh LiLo, you know you’re next-level lazy when you can’t even be bothered to lie properly.

Lindsay Lohan Thinks She Can Get 15 Days Worth Of Community Service Completed By Wednesday

January 27, 2015 / Posted by:

And I’m sure if you were to ask her how many days 15 is, she’d throw up the same number of fingers as above and go “I dunno, this many? Who cares. What is this, the SATs? Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get Dina this many boxes of wine so she can take this many naps.

So, tomorrow is January 28th. For most of us, January 28th is just a regular Wednesday. But for Lindsay Lohan, January 28th is the day she’s supposed to have all her delinquent community service hours completed. And surprise sur-fucking-prise, she’s been too busy partying and poorly Photoshopping half-naked selfies to get them done. However, that won’t stop her from trying! According to TMZ, Lindsay went to the Community Service Volunteers in London on Friday and Saturday to finish the 15 days worth of community service hours she couldn’t complete over the holidays because she was “sick” with that Chikungunya virus. They say her plan was to go again on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, but in classic LiLo fashion, LiLo said fuck it, and went to couture week in Paris instead.

According to Page Six, Lindsay spend Saturday night at a club called Le Titty Twister and didn’t leave till 5am. Then she spent Sunday at a Saint Laurent fashion show. No word on what she did yesterday and today, but I’m going to go out on a limb and guess “not community service”. But don’t count the Apricot Ashtray out yet! TMZ says Lindsay is confident she can get all her community service done by tomorrow. Tomorrow. She thinks she can get it all done by tomorrow. Oh my god, drugs and booze have melted her brain worse than we thought.

Now, I’m not a lawyer, but I feel like she should be honest when she strolls into court tomorrow and tell the judge she was at a club in Paris. Technically, she was performing a type of community service; I can’t think of a better way to discourage excessive partying than being approached at a club at 5am by 28-year-old woman who looks like a 48-year-old mop asking to bum a couple smokes in exchange for a Teen Choice Award.

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Lindsay Lohan’s Symptoms May Include Snatched Torso, Jagged Ass

January 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, hello! MK asked me to write some posts! The word is that his celebrating of DListed’s 10th anniversary went next level and he’s feeling it today. And by “next level,” I mean he upgraded from his usual celebratory Andre to Verdi Sparkletini (the Spumante kind) and broke out the “nice” bong. Party!

Lindsay Lohan mustered her last reserves of strength to rise from her deathbed in London, yoke her freckle juiced-asscheeks into a Calvin Klein thong, and cheese it for Instagram. The caption read “#mycalvins are helping me fight off my chikungunya hehe”. “Hehe” indeed, Lohan. Calvin Klein’s looking at this on his laptop, and he just nudged the sexually confused 18-year-old swim team captain beside him in bed to join in a “hehe” over her desperate ploy to book a campaign with him.

Well, Photoshop apparently quit this bitch mid-project because this looks highly unfinished. “American Horror Story Freak Show” shouldn’t be your choice of filter. Your ass shouldn’t be sharp. You shouldn’t be able to grate cheese or exfoliate faces with your nalgas. Jamie Lynn Spears shouldn’t be able to use your serrated ass to fend off bitches.What’s happening with the Adobe-shaped bites to your midsection? Did Beyonce finally fire her Photoshop-challenged social media flunky and that poor bastard had to find work with this mess? She looks like the first girl on stage at a body modification-themed peeler bar.

 

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Lindsay Lohan Blew Off Her Community Service And Is Blaming It On The Mosquito That Bit Her

January 23, 2015 / Posted by:

I guess “It’s the mosquito’s fault!” is the new “The black kid was driving!

Yes, we’re doing this again. Well, the joke’s on all of us whores who thought that Lindsay Lohan was actually to leave the delusion and self-entitlement in 2014 and shock the world by actually getting her shit together.

TMZ says that on Wednesday, we may get another court room fashion show, because LiLo is supposed to show her face in front of a judge after she allegedly didn’t complete all of her community service hours. LiLo had until November 6, 2014 to show the court that she finished all 240 hours of her community service. But on that day, her lawyer Shawn Holley could only prove that she did half of those hours. The judge gave LiLo until next Wednesday to complete all 240 hours, but a source tells TMZ she isn’t even close to finishing.

The judge in L.A. allowed LiLo to do her community service in London. LiLo’s excuse is that the community service center in London was closed for 2 weeks for the holidays. She was going to finish her hours after the center opened up again, but she got struck down with that Chumbawamba virus and ended up in the hospital. As TMZ points out, LiLo got the virus while vacationing in Bora Bora instead of doing her community service in London.

TMZ says that LiLo could end up in jail if she doesn’t finish all her community service by January 28th.

Oh please, the chance of me getting knocked up with Prince Hot Ginge’s baby is greater than the chance of Lindsay Lohan going to jail. The judge will probably let her go after she argues that she did Speed-The-Plow in London and that should count as community service since she gifted the public with her amazing talent and youthful beauty. We all know what’s really going to happen. As soon as LiLo tells the judge that a mosquito kept her from doing community service, the judge is going to order the LAPD to use all of their resources to track down that mosquito and bring it in. LiLo can do no wrong so it has to be that mosquito’s fault. Jail that mosquito immediately! That’s if it didn’t turn green and melt as soon as it bit into her.

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