Lindsay Lohan Is Still Living The Life

August 30, 2015 / Posted by:

I call this next one The Limber Ashtray. Hey, off topic, but do you mind if I crash here for the next couple of months? I’m sorta in between yachts.

This freckled trick truly won the Powerball lottery of life. While the rest of us were waking up with discount red wine gut bloat on a questionably-stained IKEA mattress (just me? okay), Lindsay Lohan chased her messy naked Italian wedding rampage with waking up on some rich asshole’s fancy yacht in St. Tropez. I know. It’s like, who needs a job and responsibilities when you can do yoga poses on the deck of a yacht in your (probably stolen) underpants?

Lindsay has been Instagramming pics of herself on some yacht – which will no doubt be christened the S. S. Steam Clean This Boat ASAP once she’s done with it – all weekend. She also posted a truly WTF video of herself doing some kind of skanky poop deck strip club dance. But she quickly yanked it down, because apparently Lindsay Lohan does have one last brain cell competent enough to put a hand on her shoulder and whisper “Girl, no.” Thankfully, TMZ and the rest of the internet saved a copy. Warning: The following makes Showgirls look like Swan Lake.

Oh boy. I am not entirely sure what I just saw. It was either Lindsay Lohan’s audition tape for her next yacht stay, or Samara from The Ring‘s slutty older sister filming her own scary tape. I’ll know for sure if I receive a collect call from St. Tropez and the voice on the other end croaks “In seven days…you should go get tested at your local free clinic.

Pic: Instagram

Lindsay Lohan Went On A Naked Rampage After A Wedding In Italy

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan, the Blanche DuBois of washed-up messes (because she always depends on the kindness of rich Arab men), is still living the high life in Europe and people are still inviting her to things. LiLo was a guest at the wedding of Justin Etzin (the ambassador of tourism for the Seychelles) and model Lana Zakocela in Florence, and she immediately brought the foolery by showing up in a white dress. LiLo told everyone the dress once belonged to Elizabeth Taylor. I think LiLo’s getting her Taylors confused. I think she meant that she stole the dress from a Lord & Taylor.

Page Six says that during the ceremony LiLo behaved like the polite swan we all know her to be by painting her nails and looking at her phone. The source says that LiLo checked out of the reception early and when she got back to her villa, she stripped down to her naked body and ran around while saying that someone drugged her drink.

The wedding was a 4-day long party and at one event, which had an Eyes Wide Shut theme, LiLo was the DJ. The source says she yelled at some trick for taking a picture of her, spoke in a British accent and played Brandy and Monica’sThe Boy Is Mine” over and over again. LiLo also claimed someone stole her jewelry. (SPOILER ALERT: It was Lindsay. Lindsay even steals her own jewelry.)

A rep for Justin Etzin claims that all of the above did not happen.

Most weddings are boring, but I’d go to any wedding that LiLo was a guest at. Who cares about the bouquet toss and listening to the best man slobber out some cheesy speech. I’d much rather watch LiLo run around naked while screaming in a British accent about how someone stole her necklace as hos in masks fucked around her (that’s what they mean by an “Eyes Wide Shut theme” right?) and “The Boy Is Mine” played on a loop.

P.S. – Playing “The Boy Is Mine” ten times in a row at someone else’s wedding is one of the funniest things LiLo has ever done. We already knew this, but now we really know to never accuse LiLo of having shame.

Pic: Instagram


In “Bitch You Need The Work” News: Lindsay Lohan Turned Down A Burger King Commercial

July 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Page Six says that everyone’s favorite unemployed freckled slacker Lindsay Lohan, a person seen defining the term “a check is a check” by hustling powdered milkshakes on Instagram, recently turned down a check from Burger King. Lindsay was offered the starring role in a commercial for Spicy Chicken Fries, a job which would require her to dress up like a giant chicken fries box and pretend to smoke a chicken fry like a cigarette. Apparently the Apricot Ashtray – who hasn’t technically had a job since Speed-The-Plow ended – thought that shit was degrading, and she and her management company tried to get BK to change the direction of the commercial. BK wouldn’t budge, so Lohan gave the commercial a hard pass.

But a “source” close to the situation (Dina Lohan, who no doubt would love to get her hands on some of those delicious chicken fries) seems to think Lindsay shouldn’t be so damn picky about where her next check comes from.

“She’s broke, sleeping at different guys’ apartments, but she thinks she’s Elizabeth Taylor.”

Ashtray, PLEASE. Has she forgotten that some of the biggest jewels in the crown of Elizabeth Taylor’s career were her perfume commercials? If Lohan was truly committed to idolizing Elizabeth Taylor, she would have slipped on that chicken fry costume, pretended she was on the set of a big-budget studio picture, and delivered all her lines with the confidence of a woman who knows she’s about to cash a check and buy a gorgeous new pair of 8lb diamond earrings and a fresh set of nails.

If Burger King is still interested in Lindsay Lohan, they could always try to sweeten the deal by offering to let her dub the Arabic version of her commercial for an extra $200. I’m sure she’d love the practice.

Here’s Lindsay out shopping in London last week at a store that I mistakenly read as PLINKO.


Pics: Instagram,

Lindsay Lohan Wants To Live In London Forever

June 24, 2015 / Posted by:

Bad news for London, good news for everywhere else in the world. Hollywood and NYC’s former freckled ex-con queen Lindsay Lohan, seen blowing grimy air kisses to her subjects above, is currently reigning over London and it sounds like she wants to make it a permanent thing. The Apricot Ashtray recently spoke to HELLO! (via Daily Mail) about her new life in London and her master plan to usurp Princess Beatrice’s throne as England’s semi-employed party girl ginger.

“I can definitely see myself settling in London permanently. I’m in a really good place. I’m blessed to have been able to do a play in London and start a different way of life. New York is very fast paced and it’s not like that over here for me. You grow up and change, and I’m really happy about that, as overall I feel a lot better. Moving here was a new start for me and my outlook on life is different now. For me, I feel more comfortable working from London.”

Lindsay continued: “Like, it’s so much easier and more comfortable to hock shit on Insatgram from a place where I’m not constantly trying to dodge people I owe money to or tried to rob.

Because Lindsay wants to live in London (The Sandlot voice) FOR-EV-UR, she says she’s interested in becoming a British citizen. We know Lohan is a pro at taking breathalyzer tests, but I don’t know how she’ll do in a citizenship test. Ha! As if she’s even worried about that. She probably thinks playing a British kid in The Parent Trap and saying “Cheers, mate” every time she bums a cigarette guarantees her some kind of diplomatic immunity.

Here’s London’s forever problem – or at least London’s problem until she gets arrested a bunch of times and flees to another country – having a smoke puffing on a fag yesterday.



The Final Sign Of The Apocalypse: Lindsay Lohan Is Off Probation

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above hawking designer coke in a single-serving bag (it’s actually oil-pulling crap for your teefs) on Instagram, Lindsay Lohan is free of being on probation and it only took her a million and one years to do it. What a true American hero and charitable saint.

When TMZ said yesterday that LiLo actually completed all 125 community service hours, I threw my best skeptical bitch side-eye. I was preparing to not be surprised by her trying pass off “holding a drunken White Oprah’s hair while that mess barfed into a toilet” and “flashing her freckled chest dumplings at construction workers” as community service. But today, Judge Mark A. Young signed off on her community service hours and released her from probation. Meanwhile, the A/C in Pimp Mama Kris’ mansion just dropped to freezing temperatures by itself and somewhere Guy Fieri oinked out a “huh?” as wings suddenly sprouted from his back. Judge Mark said these words we thought we’d never ever hear:

“It does appear Ms. Lohan fully complied with her community service obligation. Probation is terminated as of today.”

“It does appear…” Even Judge Mark needed a trick to pinch him four times, because he couldn’t believe what his eyes were seeing. It’s like when I look at my checking account statement and don’t see a negative balance. It’s a real “this fucking can’t be” moment.

After Judge Mark declared that LiLo is probation-free after nearly 8 years, she twatted out a thank you speech like she won a damn Oscar.

Shawn Holley didn’t read that, because she was too busy doing cartwheels of freedom down the sidewalks of L.A. And everybody better put on a helmet, clutch onto a rosary, pray to Hay-Soos and keep your baby strollers off of the streets, because now that LiLo’s free from probation, nothing’s in her way.

Lindsay Lohan May Have Completed All Of Her Community Service

May 27, 2015 / Posted by:

The last time I wrote about Lindsay Lohan, she had only 16 days to do 115 hours of cummunity (typo and it stays) service. If she didn’t finish servicing the community by tomorrow, she’d face jail. No, really, the judge was planning to take her to a jail cell and make her face it while saying, “This is a jail cell and you’re totally going to end up in it if you don’t do your community service by the next hearing. I really mean it this time. Now, let’s go get martinis.

TMZ says that LiLo supposedly achieved the impossible. She finished all her community service hours. Apparently, the prosector Terry White has already confirmed that LiLo completed all the hours she was supposed to complete. No word yet if she tried to pass off crap like “act in a play” and “let fans follow her around” as community service.

TMZ claims that LiLo did what millions of people do for decades and decades: she worked for 8 hours a day. She “worked” (read: showed the kids a triple feature of I Know Who Killed Me, Liz & Dick and The Canyons to show them what kind of decisions you make when you’re on the bad shit) at that children’s center in Brooklyn, an LGBT youth center and a women’s shelter. Promises Malibu better keep their Lindsay Lohan Suite vacant for her, because she’s going to need to check in and be treated for an extreme case of the tireds after working that much.

LiLo’s lawyer Shawn Holley will be in court tomorrow and is expected to prove that the freckled tornado of messiness did 125 hours of community service. If TMZ is right, LiLo will be off of probation for the first time in 7 years. Tomorrow the world may become a place where the justice system is free of Lindsay Lohan (for now). Once the judge takes a bolt cutter to LiLo’s probation shackles, I fully expect a naked Prince Hot Ginge to land crotch-first on my face as a vodka-pissing chartreuse unicorn flies out of my asshole, because we’ll obviously be living in a time when anything and everything is possible.

Lindsay Lohan Might Ditch Her Community Service And Skip Off To Monaco

May 16, 2015 / Posted by:

And now in sky is blue/water is wet news, Lindsay Lohan is already trying to weasel her way out of completing her community service and avoid going to jail. I hope you didn’t hit your head on anything during that fainting spell you no doubt just had from the shock of it all.

According to TMZ, LiLo knows there’s a very good chance she won’t complete her delinquent community service hours (“No shit” said the staff who waited 2 hours for her ass to show up on her first day), but she also knows that if she doesn’t finish her hours, there’s a chance she might end up in jail. She also knows that a court can’t extradite her over a reckless driving misdemeanor, so she has planned to skip town and hide out in Monaco. The Apricot Ashtray has apparently been telling her friends and family that she has a “rich friend” who has offered up his hotel in Monaco and given her permission to stay as long as she’d like. Even that shameless mooch Dina Lohan is side-eying that arrangement, like “What’s the catch?

Regardless of whether or not she completes her community service, TMZ says that Lohan plans on taking her friend up on his offer and will stay in Monaco for a while. That loud whooshing sound you just heard was the city of London breathing a giant sigh of relief.

I know LiLo is beyond desperate to avoid doing actual work, but this might be a new personal best for that freckled con artist. She’s literally running away. And for what? It’s not like the court won’t keep giving her extensions on her community service to avoid sending her to jail. Lindsay could be 98-years-old and a hologram of a judge will be like “We’re giving you till March 1st, 2085, and that’s it!

Here’s Lindsay doing a practice run for her future escape to Monaco yesterday in NYC:

Pics: Splash

Lindsay Lohan’s Community Service At That Brooklyn Children’s Center Started Off Well

May 13, 2015 / Posted by:

As all of our asses know, Lindsay Lohan has only 16 days to cram in 115 hours of community service or a judge could send her to jail. HA. Like that’s going to happen. The chance of me butt birthing out a baby unicorn that knows the exact burial place of Jimmy Hoffa is greater than Lindsay Lohan actually going to jail.

On Monday night, LiLo Instagrammed some shit about being back in NYC, so everyone thought she would start her community service at the Duffield Children’s Center in Brooklyn on Tuesday morning. But since LiLo is LiLo and lying to her is like breathing in air, she lied about being in NYC on Monday. She was still in London. She didn’t land in NYC until yesterday afternoon. That being said, LiLo is SERIOUSLY SERIOUS about community service this time. TMZ says she’s staying in a hotel near the children’s center. She is so serious that she only showed up 2 hours late this morning. Hey, it’s actually impressive that bitch showed up at all. I figured she’d be a no-show and blame it on the “walking malaria” she caught on the plane ride over or say that her evil twin once again locked her in her hotel room and wouldn’t let her out. The Parent Trap is real.

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Lindsay Lohan Is Completing Her Community Service At A Preschool In Brooklyn

May 11, 2015 / Posted by:

Although if you’ve only done 9 hours and 45 minutes of the required 125, that would technically be considered starting and not completing, right? Then again, starting implies it will get finished, and we all know there’s a snowball’s chance in hell of that happening. Regardless of what the correct word for whatever she’s doing is, the NY Daily News says that Lindsay Lohan will try to complete all those missing community service hours at a preschool in Brooklyn. A preschool. Take it away, Helen Lovejoy!

A “source” (a chardonnay-drunk Dina Lohan yelling into a Fisher-Price Chatter Telephone) says that Lindsay will be arriving in Brooklyn some time today and will begin her community service at the Duffield Children’s Center in Fort Greene on Tuesday. I’m sure that freckle-covered con artist is already working on her excuse to get out of it. “You didn’t say WHICH Tuesday! So long, suckers!” she cackles, as she boards a private jet bound for Fiji.

Lindsay has until May 28th to complete the remaining 115 hours of her community service. That works out to a little more than six-and-a-half hours every day for 17 days. I’m no Miss Cleo, but I’ve got a feeling my fingers will be typing the words “Lindsay Lohan claims she has a mysterious illness and can’t finish community service” sometime in the very near future.

Maybe that’s why LiLo chose to work at a preschool; she thought she could scam the system by listing her community service hours completed as “eleventy-hundred” and getting one of the 4-year-olds sign off on it. That, or the constant naps and juice.


Lindsay Lohan Still Hasn’t Completed All Those Belated Community Service Hours (UPDATE)

May 7, 2015 / Posted by:

We’re all totally shocked, aren’t we. I hope the force from our jaws dropping at the same time didn’t throw the Earth off its axis. So, remember back in February when Lindsay Lohan tried to pass off her performances in Speed-The-Plow as community service? And then a judge called bullshit and told her she had three months to make up 125 community service hours? Well, TMZ says she still hasn’t done them, and she only has 3 weeks left to complete her hours. Sweet Salty Jesus, it’s like we’re stuck on a goddamn freckled nonsense merry-go-round.

Despite the fact that she recently posted a picture of her alleged community service to Instagram, the community service organization in London that Lohan has been working with has told prosecutors that she’s completed less than 20 hours. To put that into perspective, that’s like taking 3 months to watch I Know Who Killed Me ten times. I know it’s a struggle to watch that shit even once, but come on – if it was that or going to jail…actually, bad example.

Lindsay is due in court today for a progress hearing, and TMZ says that the prosecutor plans on asking the judge for a warrant for her arrest. However, TMZ says there’s no extradition for a misdemeanor, which means the Apricot Ashtray could just stay in London and an arrest would never happen.

This whole mess is the result of a reckless driving charge from 2012, so you’d think that at some point during those 3 years that at least one person in that courtroom would clue in and realize Lindsay Lohan is never going to complete her community service. They might as well sentence her to 300 hours of unicorn wrangling or showing up to work on time. Stop trying to make Lindsay Lohan’s community service happen, it’s not going to happen!

Speaking of, here’s Lindsay being too busy to do community service in London last week. Or maybe blowing greasy air kisses at the paps she called and collecting free shit from a boutique is her community service?

UPDATE: Remember before when I said Lindsay finished less than 20 hours of community service? According to TMZ, LiLo’s lawyer Shawn Holley admitted to the judge that it was actually 9 hours and 45 minutes. LiLo’s excuse this time: the community service center is too far away. She’s asked that Lindsay finish the rest of her hours in Brooklyn, NY. She has till May 28th to complete 115 hours or else “there will be consequences.

Pics: Splash,


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