“Sorry Islam, looks like she’s your problem now” said the Catholic church, Kabbalah, Buddhism, and any other religions Lindsay Lohan has dabbled in.
Last year, LiLo was seen carrying a copy of the Koran, aka the holy book of the Islamic religion. Nobody knew where it came from (one of her Middle Eastern “friends“) or what she was going to do with it (scrape all the ink off the front with a dull knife and mail it to Cash4Gold). But since she was also Instagramming incorrectly translated English-to-Arabic banalities around the same time, the most logical conclusion was that she was converting.
Well, she recently spoke to The Sun and it turns out that yes, she’s trying to do the Muslim thing now. Lindsay was raised Catholic, but has since dipped her freckled toe into a variety of religious ponds. And right now, it’s Islam’s turn to hide the good silverware.
“I’m a very spiritual person and I’m really open to learning. We all believe in something and at the end of the day it all ties to a god or a spiritual adviser. We all have a similar belief in whatever it may be personally.”
Lindsay may be open to learning, but it sounds like she can’t seem to find the time to open that Koran she was papped with.
“I’m not done reading it. Do you know how long that would take? It takes so long.”
Since I’m still working on a copy of Charlotte’s Web from the 3rd grade (Wilbur and Charlotte live happily ever after, right?), I’m in no position to judge how long it takes anyone to read anything. But a year seems like a long time for something you’re supposedly super into, right? I’m sure if it was a copy of How To Bag A Rich Russian Husband, she would have been finished in under 10 minutes.
But if I were Islam, I wouldn’t be making a space for LiLo’s picture between Janet Jackson and Dr. Oz on the Celebrity Muslim Wall. Once she discovers how difficult it is to Photoshop your waist while wearing a burqa, she’ll be gone.
Here’s Islam’s newest aspiring convert in New York a few days ago with Ali Lohan and her fiancé Egor Tarabasov.
Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan got everyone talking about Lindsay Lohan in the year 2016 by probably leaking the news that she got engaged before getting her spokeswhore to deny it because she wanted to create a mysterious story arc for the tabloids. I see that LiLo took a course in whoring from Pimp Mama Kris on that MasterClass site, whose ads are always dirtying up my Facebook feed.
TMZ was the first to fart up the news that LiLo’s 22-year-old Russian piece of around 5 months, Egor Tarabasov, proposed to her over the weekend, and she said yes. But a quick second later, LiLo’s rep crop dusted the Internet by farting up the same denial statement to everyone. Her rep said that the rumors were not true. But the fame whore plot thins! While sandwiched between two tanning booth-roasted pieces of hot trash at the Duran Duran show in NYC last night, LiLo made sure that the photographers got a shot her wearing a ring on her weddin’ finger. Since you most likely don’t notice the ring in that picture, because you’re too busy making a, “Chichis so saggy that in a few years they’ll probably line up with those nipple tassels,” joke in your head, here’s a close-up of it:
The only real rings I own are of the cock variety, so I’m no expert, but to me, that looks like a green apple Jolly Rancher framed by a bunch of aluminum foil balls. In other words, it’s the most perfect and opulent engagement ring I’ve ever seen. Egor was also at the Duran Duran show last night, so either they’re really engaged, or he’s a shameless stunt puller like her, or she also took a hypnotism class on that MasterClass site and hypnotized him into proposing to her. I’m tempted to go with the latter, because I bet LiLo also used her hypnotism skills to hypnotize Duran Duran into letting her perform with them AGAIN.
On another sort-of different note, LiLo’s look last night was very “rode hard middle-aged divorced trophy wife who is trolling for her next husband at a Casino in Reno, NV” and that IS the look.
Sad news for millionaire Arab sheiks who were hoping that Lindsay Lohan would hop on their 250 footer during yacht season in Cannes, she may have temporarily retired from the game to marry her Russian sugar sonny.
TMZ, UsWeekly and Gossip Cop all say that 22-year-old Russian trust fund kid Egor Tarabasov proposed to 29-year-old Lindsay Lohan after 5 months of bumping his Russian peen against her freckled crotch carniceria. Since LiLo has to get busy if she wants to beat her idol Elizabeth Taylor’s 7-husband-record, she said YES! TMZ’s source (aka Michael Lohan calling from a pre-paid cell phone while waiting for their payment to him to go through at a Western Union) said that LiLo and her Russian sugar sonny got engaged over the weekend. LiLo’s man has been described as the son of a Russian billionaire business mogul, but Page Six said a while ago that his dad owns a few Home Depot-like stores in Moscow and is a millionaire, but isn’t exactly butt burping up diamond-encrusted gold bars.
Lindsay Lohan’s rep (yes, she still has one of those) denied the rumor that she’s engaged to Egor (who is giving me second-tier James Franco impersonator meets Ponch from CHiPs). But I’m guessing that LiLo’s rep spit out a denial, because she’s trying to sell her engagement announcement and pictures of the ring to the highest bidder. I’m also going to guess that a Russian tabloid will be the highest bidder and they’ll pay for that shit with a half-pack of Reds and an almost-empty 8-ball.
White Oprah would celebrate this happy news by using her future son-in-law’s credit card (“So dat’s vere it vent!” – Egor) to buy everyone a round of shots at a T.G.I. Friday’s on Long Island, but she’s got work to do. White Oprah’s gotta troll the baby black market for a freckled newborn that LiLo can pretend to give birth to, because you gotta get that child support money on lock right away. While White Oprah does that, Egor’s family should look into having him institutionalized, because anybody who wants to be a member of the Lohan family must be certifiable.
Because I’m sure Lindsay Lohan’s client list has included a millionaire Indian business man or two, she was a guest at tonight’s Asian Awards in London, and she and her latest face showed up looking as prim and pristine as a freshly starched and pressed nun’s collar.
LiLo’s boyfriend is supposedly a rich Russian trust fund kid and so she could wear the finest ~fashuns~ his AMEX could buy, but instead, she decided to go simple with a dress made from Rhoda’s old dusty bedroom curtains and she went so simple that she didn’t wear a bra under that sheer shit. If you were wondering if LiLo’s freckled chest balls are still allergic to being lifted by a bra, you got your answer! Yes, someone probably mistook her barely-covered chichi for some kind of uncooked Indian dumpling and tried to bite it during dinner, but that’s a small price to pay for looking as sophisticated as LiLo looked tonight!
The perpetually questionable sun spot you have on your back that your derm keeps saying “I think it looks fine” to you about, Lindsay Lohan, is back. Acting. Kind of. No. I can’t say she’s acting. She posted a self-tape audition in the form of a little Dubsmash video of her doing a scene from The Parent Trap next to a coke-filled glove emoji.
For those of you that don’t know, The Parent Trap is a Disney remake about two incredibly selfish and irresponsible people who each take one of their baby twins after they split up. Lindsay plays the twins, one English and one American. They end up at the same camp, figure out who they are, switch places and then there’s a top hat with a wedding dress and Dennis Quaid takes a shit or something.
What’s really important in all this is that you can hear the acting ability in her wee little child voice and see that the receipts don’t add up to what she can do now. But I guess for her career at his point that’s acting, right? This could go on her IMDb! Get on that, Dina!
Pic: Lindsay Lohan’s Instagram
Whoever said journalism has long been dead, buried and is worm shit now obviously doesn’t know that Lindsay Lohan is a guest editor at The Sun. Journalism has risen from the dead!
LiLo took a little time out from traveling the world with her Russian sugary sonny, to butt belch out her first column for The Sun. For her first piece, serious journalist LiLo wrote about how she could’ve smeared some of Harry Styles’ grainy dick cheese all over her freckled crotch crumpet. Remember when the Summer’s Eve Truman Capote named James Franco wrote a short story about the time Lindsay Lohan allegedly broke into his room at the Chateau Marmont and tried to get with him? Well, LiLo apparently sort of got a taste of her own medicine and she says Slutty Styles (copyright: Tumblr) was holding the spoon. LiLo says that early one morning in 2012, she got a knock on her hotel room door and when she opened it up, Harry Styles was on the other side and he wanted to fuck his way to a place on her hump list. Here’s some (maybe) fanfic courtesy of LiLo:
“I didn’t know it was him. He was in a suit. I said, ‘Well, you’re very good-looking – can I help you?’ That was it. He was like, ‘I’m Harry. Gavin and Michael sent me here.’ I was in bed. I was like, ‘I’m going to bed but it was nice to meet you.’ It was 2am, I had just come back from an AA meeting. I looked like shit too. I was wearing a big hotel robe, I had a slip under it. It was not a good look.
It didn’t click who he was at the time. I told my sister the next day and she was like, ‘Wait, are you kidding me? Do you understand? Do you have his number? Can I have it?'”
LiLo went on to say that she recently ran into Harry at a party in L.A. and he said that he knocked on her door at 2am because some friends dared him to.
Lindsay was bumping lubed-up parts with a member of The Wanted (aka the O-Town to One Direction’s Backstreet Boys) in 2012, so I love the thought of her turning down Harry Styles. But maybe this was all just a case of mistaken identity. Maybe the mess who knocked at her door at 2am was really a greasy homeless drug dealer who sold her a baggie of the bad shit once and wanted to make another sale. Confusing a greasy homeless drug dealer with Harry Styles is an honest mistake!
When we last left the freckled tornado of dusty delusion, she had allegedly been kicked out of a bar in NYC for acting like her usual charming self. Between then (early January) and now, she has somehow managed to not spit at another trick during a bar fight, and that’s probably because she’s been too busy putting her mouth on her new serious piece.
No, you didn’t fall into a time warp that transported back to the ‘passed out in a grey hoodie‘ Lindsay Lohan years. This happened in this year, 2016. According to Radar, Dina Lohan’s two daughters got kicked out of a Manhattan bar on Friday night for acting like two trashy messes. “That’s my girlsssss” burped Dina in between glugs of vodka.
It all started late on Friday night when Lindsay (who I guess is on vacation from her full-time job of yacht hopping and Instagram tea hustling) and Ali Lohan and some of their friends barged into a place called Vbar and ran straight to the bathroom. After 20 minutes, a bartender knocked on the door and asked them to come out. When they wouldn’t come out, the bartender told them they had to leave, and that’s when LiLo swung open the door and went full-Lohan.
Rather than slink back out into the street without causing a scene, the Apricot Ashtray became “aggressive and belligerent“, and allegedly started screaming at a West African bartender in a not-right African accent. A source claims LiLo’s eyes were glazed over, and she hissed “This is New York. You’re not from here.” Shockingly, that’s not the trashiest thing that came out of Lindsay’s mouth that night.
“They wouldn’t leave and all hell was breaking loose and that’s when Lindsay spat in our friend’s face. The bar then erupted and everyone was yelling at them to leave.”
Eventually LiLo and Ali left, but they returned a short while later to stand outside the bar and film people with their cellphones, and slam their hands against the windows. But it doesn’t end there! Radar says that half an hour later, one of LiLo’s friends returned to the bar and tried to fight a bartender. When a bar patron started recording it, he grabbed their phone and tried to run off with it. That’s when the police were called, but Lindsay and Ali Lohan were long gone. The bartender denied to press charges against LiLo’s friend.
But what did Lindsay do next? Well, Lindsay responded to this mess by throwing up an inspirational quote to Instagram. Which is sort of ironic, considering the person she spat on will probably throw up every time they remember that time Lindsay Lohan hocked a toxic loogie in their face.
Jennifer Lawrence has already said that a man’s fart fumes are her Spanish Fly and she’s admitted to being a sink pisser. On The Late Show with Stephen Colbert last night, JLaw decided to talk about another bodily function. No, she didn’t talk about her period berries. I’m sure she’s saving that for the next press tour. JLaw talked about how she’s always barfing. I know, Jennifer Lawrence is so damn relatable and so real that it makes me want to barf. JLaw puked up these stream of words about being a puker, and she woke up the fame whore beast while doing so:
“I puked yesterday. I’m a puker. I’m a big-time puker. I don’t stop working, because I’m a show pony. I don’t have a choice. So I just keep going and eventually my body’s just like, ‘If we don’t make her barf or pass out, she won’t stop.’ I get like Lindsay Lohan grade exhaustion, but without any drugs or alcohol. I’m always in bed early and I’m still tired.”
You can watch the entire interview here if you want.
Five minutes after Jennifer Lawrence said the name “Lindsay Lohan” out loud and on TV, I’m sure a passed out LiLo was awakened by her phone vibrating from the Google Alerts that alert her to the fact that someone famous said her name in the year 2015. Jennifer Lawrence and Lindsay Lohan sort of have a history….
LiLo supposedly said in a drunken interview once that JLaw fucks for roles (LiLo’s rep denied she said that). LiLo also slapped on JLaw on Twitter for making a really harmless joke about Meryl Streep at the Golden Globes. So maybe Jennifer Lawrence was getting a bitch back, or maybe she doesn’t care about that shit LiLo said and simply pulled that crack out of her ass. Whatever the case may be, LiLo and her sister, the Curious Case of Ali Lohan, took JLaw’s joke real seriously. Ali Lohan tweeted that she’s disappointed in Jennifer Lawrence and is no longer a fan. LiLo re-tweeted that tweet and later brought Maya Angelou into it:
— Lindsay Lohan (@lindsaylohan) December 15, 2015
So many “getting high” jokes, so little time. But seriously, it’s weird that LiLo posted the revised version of Maya’s poem. The original would’ve been much more fitting in this situation. The original goes like this:
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, I’ll fuck your man and steal your purse, bitch!
So far this year, the one-time reigning Queen of Attention Whores has done sad, bottom of the barrel stunts like announce that she may run for president and flash a fake engagement ring at a party. Pure amateur attention whore shit. Lindsay Lohan’s latest stunt is just as low-level and she’s truly not making the most of her natural attention whore skills. Yesterday was the anniversary of the day that Lucifer butt birthed out Charles Manson and it was also the day that Lindsay Lohan Instagrammed a picture of herself in Sharon Tate drag. LiLo captioned the pic with this and I was going to say that she forgot to add the #LOOKATME hashtag but every one of her hashtags translates into #LOOKATME.
Lindsay Lohan may look like Sharon Tate currently, but other than that, I have no idea how that look is Sharon Tate inspired. It looks more like a Coachella business suit. And there are a few explanations for this, so let’s go over them real quick:
1. LiLo didn’t know it was Charles Manson’s birthday and can’t let go of playing Sharon Tate in a movie.
2. LiLo did know it was Charles Manson’s birthday, but decided to spend the day honoring the victims.
3. She did it solely for attention.
I know, I don’t even know why I bothered writing #1 and #2. And well, I’d rather see LiLo do her best Sharon Tate than look at another heave-inducing picture of her making food look like an alien autopsy:
via Gossip Cop