I didn’t know Aaryn from Big Brother was a songwriter too!
If LFO and The Lonely Island slid themselves into the head of that racist UCLA wreck to write a parody song about Asian girls for SNL, it would probably sound a lot like Day Above Ground’s “Asian Girlz.” I really kept waiting for the lost member of Nickelback (aka the lead singer) to rip off his face and reveal that he’s really Andy Samberg, but it never happened.
If you haven’t heard of Day Above Ground, you will definitely hear more from them thanks to such poetic lyrics as “I love your sticky rice, buttfucking all night” and “it’s the Year of the Dragon, ninja pussy I’m stabbin’.” After this song and video got a whole lot of shit thrown at it, the girl in it, model Levy Tran, apologized on Twitter and the band farted out this explanation:
This song is us, Day Above Ground, making fun of ourselves (and many, many other guys) obsession with the always lovely, Asian Woman. It pushes this concept to an absurd level, but at the same time is endearing & submissive.. WE ARE NOT RACIST, HAHA! I mean, look at our band, it’s multicultural!! The guy in the bow-tie, our cutie bass player, was born in Indonesia, and he steals the show!! Please don’t take this tongue-in-cheek tribute to some of the most gorgeous women on the planet too seriously!! You’ll ruin the fun of it all!! Thanks for watching, sincerely!!
You know, it is kind of poetic that she uses them as dildos at the end.
Not only is this song a mess, but they left out something major. At the end, they shout out all the most Asian towns in Southern California and yet they failed to shout out my hometown of Rowland Heights, which has been called the Little Taipei of the San Gabriel Valley. FOR SHAME! (Wait, maybe it’s a good thing that they left it out.)
James Huling, the hillbilly Asian from Big Brother 17!
The 17th season of Big Brother US happened last night and they really mixed shit up and went totally diverse when casting it. Ha. No, the Big Brother house is still filled to the top with a bunch of young, white people, but sprinkled in there is a black woman, a transgender woman and a miniature hillbilly Asian from South Carolina! James was adopted by a family of hillbillies in South Carolina, so he’s like an Asian dude who was possessed by the soul of a Duck Dynasty cast member (sans all that gay-hating trash, I think). He’s into hunting, fishing and camo.
James lives in Wichita Falls, TX now, has a kid and works in retail. Taylor Swift is his dream girl, so that should tell you everything you need to know about him. James kind of looks like my dad, but when he opens his mouth, he sounds like he’s voiced by Sugar Bear from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. I love it. I’m surprised TLC hasn’t given him a show. They probably looked at his background and said, “Eh, no major criminal record and seems mentally stable. NEXT!” But James does have a mug shot, which he got after he was arrested for contempt of family court in Sumter County, SC.
Looking like he got attacked by bees while plastered.
And you probably didn’t read any of the words above, because you either went temporarily blind or your contacts caught on fire from looking at those CAMO CROCS on his feet. CAMO CROCS! Camo Crocs are like Satan’s caca drizzled with Satan’s vomit. CAMO CROS are my KNOTTY PINE! Maybe James is really, really smart and those camo Crocs are part of his strategy. Maybe he thinks that he if wears them all the time, their powers of fugness will make the others violently ill and they’ll have to leave the house. No, probably not. Besides, based on a few of the outfits worn last night, some of the houseguests probably think those camo Crocs are cute. Dark-sided!
Mug shot via Rickey.org
The anti-walking and texting snake who is the new face of the anti-walking and texting movement!
On the list of “Shit That Is Not Here For Your Texting And Walking Shenanigans,” go ahead and add “snakes” right above “fountains” and “stairs.” While going to work in Chickasha, Oklahoma, veteran skating rink DJ (File that under: Job Titles You Wish You Had) Tim Malone was paying more attention to the stuff on his Android screen than the ground. Tim tells KOCO 5, who was lucky to land the EXCLUSIVO interview with him, that he was texting while walking into Snakeland, I mean Skateland, (copyright: the local news reporter in the clip below) and he didn’t notice the snake on the ground in front of him. Tim stepped on the snake and since snakes don’t like to be stepped on, it bitch a trick. Thanks to some quick-thinking, Tim survived the harrowing ordeal.
“Adrenaline took over. And then I realized it was a snake and I started kicking. Get it off. There’s just those two little marks right there.”
Tim is going to live and he wasn’t seriously injured. The snake was non-venomous and Tim helped release it back into the wild. Here’s the report (complete with riveting surveillance video) that will definitely win KOCO 5 a Peabody:
So in case you’re keeping score:
Texters and walkers: 0
Snakes: ALL THE POINTS!
In honor of Star Wars Day (May the 4th be…you finish it, I’m too tired from singing the Comedy Bang Bang version of the Star Wars cantina theme), Vanity Fair released several photos taken on the set of Star Wars: The Force Awakens by Annie Leibovitz. Sadly, there are no moody grey-blue shots of Han Solo staring pensively off into the distance while Chewy relaxes on an antique bentwood chair in the background (aka what every Annie Leibovitz picture looks like to me). But we do get to see what some of the new characters look like.
Well, sort of. Vanity Fair says Lupita Nyong’o plays a pirate called Maz Kanata, but she’ll look nothing like she does above in the movie. Lupita’s face is covered in tracking dots so they can CGI in her character’s face later. What a drag! I was like, finally, a character my high school yearbook photos could related to. But no.
Also a bummer was this photo Annie took of a group of Star Wars background characters. See if you can pick out who is missing.
Say it with me now: where the hell is Sy Snootles?!? Maybe she’s hiding behind that slutty protocol droid on the left (that slutty droid would). Sy Snootles is hands-down the hottest character from Star Wars, and I was really hoping J. J. Abrams would do the fans right by bringing her back. I wanna know what happens to Sy Snootles. Does she pull a Beyonce by quitting the Max Rebo Band to go solo or what? These are the important questions.
Here’s more of what some of the new Star Wars characters will look like, including Oscar Isaac as a pilot named Poe Dameron (every emo teen just jizzed themselves over that name) and Adam From Girls as a bad dude named Kylo Ren:
Pics: Vanity Fair
Seen above looking like her Photoshopped self queefed out her real self, Mariah Carey injected thirty gallons of modest sophistication into Las Vegas yesterday when she rode into Caesars Palace in a stunning chariot that is what Liberace would’ve driven if Liberace was one of Mary Kay’s top sales bitches in the Palm Springs area.
Mimi landed in Vegas yesterday to prepare for her 18-show residency at Caesars Palace, which stars May 6th, and she blessed her subjects with the sight of her in a studded pantyhose dress thing. That dress by L’eggs is so damn tight that if you put your ear to one of its seams, you’d hear the sound of it screeching for dear life and its screeches probably sound a lot like the high-pitched scream she lets out at the end of her Nick Cannon diss track. She looks like an overstuffed, studded bratwurst. As the lambs screamed their b-hole lips off for their queen, the non-lambs prepared to cover their eyes while hitting the ground, because they knew if Mimi stopped sucking in for a second to exhale, that too-tight, bedazzled casing would rip apart sending rhinestones and studs flying everywhere. I’m not sure if it would be hot or tragic to be able to tell people that you have to wear a glass eye because Mimi chose to exhale real quick.
But the real tragedy is that Frederick’s of Hollywood is dying a slow death so they probably won’t make a “look for less” version of this exquisite ensemble. So you’ll have to make it yourself using several old pairs of Spanx, a hot glue gun and macaronis spray painted gold.
Normally Blue Ivy Carter wouldn’t degrade herself by participating in such an obvious stunt, but desperate times call for desperate measures. After seeing the pictures of Baby Prince George celebrating his 1st birthday by petting butterflies at the Natural History Museum, Blue Ivy swore there was no way she was going to let the second most famous rich baby in the world steal any attention away from her by releasing pictures of him staring vacantly at a bug. Today may be his birthday, but every day is Blue Ivy Day!
The only problem was thinking of something better to be photographed with than a butterfly, but the best her intern (North West) could come up with was gluing a pair of googly-eyes to one of Beyoncé’s old weaves and trying to pass it off as an exotic rodent. Eventually she decided that the only way she could snatch people’s eyes away from Baby Prince George and his butterfly was to pretend to be an actual butterfly (“You weren’t born with the ability to fly, Baby Prince George? Tsk-tsk, what a shame”), so she had her parents hoist her up and make it look like she was gracefully floating above the peasants. You know, more than she usually does.
Unfortunately, when North West posted the picture to Instagram, she forgot to Photoshop out Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s legs, and the whole thing was ruined. Cut to Baby Prince George and Lupo hunched over the royal iPad and cackling with sadistic glee.
Baby Prince George: 1, Blue Ivy: 0.
Max, a box-loving pussy who has become Maru’s greatest threat and rival in the important sport of pussy box diving. About six seconds into this video, Max changes up the pussy box diving game when he jumps into a box held up above him. Tens all around! And he does it again at the very end. Maru, the box is in your court (and please, do four triple flips before diving into it while it’s on fire and held 5 feet above the ground, because you can’t let this new pussy box diver show you up like this!)
Sandy McTire, the hot Scottish pepaw found on Canada’s second currency, Canadian Tire Money! Michael K asked me to talk about today’s Hot Slut because, as you might have guessed by all the times I write shit like favourite or cheques or sorry, I am a Canadian person, which means I am Dlisted’s resident expert for all things maple and Molson.
If you’ve ever accidentally dropped something in the car of a Canadian person and went rooting around under your seat, you’ve probably found Canadian Tire money. Canadian Tire is a hardware/automotive/sports store with like, a billion locations all across Canada, and they have their own money that you can use like real money in their stores. When you buy something at Canadian Tire, they give you Canadian Tire money. If that isn’t the most Canadian thing, I don’t know what is.
Anyway, since they were trying to be authentic, they made the bills look and feel like real money. They also put a “president” on it too, and that president is a Scotsman named Sandy McTire. But why Scottish? Well, here’s where things get a bit not-right. A lot of blue-collar working types in 1950s Canada were Scottish, and there was also an awful stereotype that Scottish people were penny-pinching cheapskates. So someone thought it would be a great idea to make the mascot of free fake coupon money a cheap Scottsman. And that stereotype is 100% wrong, because I worked at Canadian Tire for 5 years and it was people of every background who would hold up the line to dig around in their pockets for decades to use a $0.05 coupon.
And fun fact! Sandy McTire wasn’t always on the Canadian Tire bills. The original bills had a grown man tire running away with a little boy coin, but that looked like some NAMBLA shit, so they were quickly replaced with the handsome moustachioed gent in a sassy scarf you see above.
Ornacia from last night’s season 6, part 1 premiere of the reality show that The American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology calls visual Prozac to soothe all your emotions.
The season premiere episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race was split into two episodes, so last night we only met 7 of the 14 queens who will tuck and pluck their way to a prize package that includes $100,000, a “sickening supply” of makeup (which will last you one afternoon if your name is Xtina) and a six-pack of Bartles & Jaymes since I guess Absolut isn’t a sponsor anymore. My favorite queen of the night and my pick to take it all is ORNACIA!
Ornacia is already a head above the rest of those bitches. Ornacia is the second head of seasoned NYC club kid queen Vivacious and she made the entrance of the night when she glided in above her host body. Ornacia didn’t even break character and kept it one hundred percent glamorous when Vivacious had a little problem unzipping the curtain that revealed her mug:
Not only do I love Ornacia because Ornacia is the name of the ointment I dab on my b-hole lips when I get a breakout, but I also love her because she looks like a Jabawaki with rhinestone acne. If Detective La Toya keeps pulling her face and if she’s lucky, she’s going to look like Ornacia in a few years. Ornacia for the win!
Vid: King of Coney Island
Whenever a character in a TV show or movie or book or video game or whatever says, “Take me to your leader,” this is the leader they want to be taken to. This is regalness! This is royalty! This is Lord KraVen, the biological son of Ming the Merciless who was sent to Earth from his home planet Mongo on a black diamond asteroid to bring humanity to its knees with his glamour and simmering sexiness. Yes, I’m typing this while kneeling on the ground at that picture, so his plan is clearly working.
I was introduced to this glittering, black Glamberace God yesterday when I read a post on Radar about how Jennifer Hudson had him kicked out of the People’s Choice Awards. On the planet Mongo, Lord KraVen is the one who does the banishing, not the other way around! JHud and Lord KraVen were friends until she excommunicated him from her life, because she feels like he did her wrong by using her family tragedy to whore out his music. During the trial of the murder of her family members in 2012, Lord KraVen went on HLN to talk about her grief while promoting his single. JHud immediately declared war on Dave Navvaro’s style icon. So when she saw him at the People’s Choice Awards on Wednesday night, she told organizers that if they wanted her to stay, he had to leave. An act against glamour happened when security guards escorted Lord KraVen out of the Nokia Theater.
Who knows what’s really going on between Lord KraVen (not to be confused with Lori Craven whose name I keep typing) and JHud, but it’s pretty obvious that he was also kicked out of the People’s Choice Awards because his Lip Service-like aura kept shattering the glass trophies.
If you want to know what Lord KraVen’s music sounds like, you can click play on the video below or you can believe me when I say that it’s like Daughtry on helium.
In related news, the city of Paris announced that they are demolishing the Arc de Triomphe. It had a good run, but Paris knew it could never compete with the truly spectacular arcs of hair above Lord KraVen’s eyes. Bow down.