I didn’t know Aaryn from Big Brother was a songwriter too!
If LFO and The Lonely Island slid themselves into the head of that racist UCLA wreck to write a parody song about Asian girls for SNL, it would probably sound a lot like Day Above Ground’s “Asian Girlz.” I really kept waiting for the lost member of Nickelback (aka the lead singer) to rip off his face and reveal that he’s really Andy Samberg, but it never happened.
If you haven’t heard of Day Above Ground, you will definitely hear more from them thanks to such poetic lyrics as “I love your sticky rice, buttfucking all night” and “it’s the Year of the Dragon, ninja pussy I’m stabbin’.” After this song and video got a whole lot of shit thrown at it, the girl in it, model Levy Tran, apologized on Twitter and the band farted out this explanation:
This song is us, Day Above Ground, making fun of ourselves (and many, many other guys) obsession with the always lovely, Asian Woman. It pushes this concept to an absurd level, but at the same time is endearing & submissive.. WE ARE NOT RACIST, HAHA! I mean, look at our band, it’s multicultural!! The guy in the bow-tie, our cutie bass player, was born in Indonesia, and he steals the show!! Please don’t take this tongue-in-cheek tribute to some of the most gorgeous women on the planet too seriously!! You’ll ruin the fun of it all!! Thanks for watching, sincerely!!
You know, it is kind of poetic that she uses them as dildos at the end.
Not only is this song a mess, but they left out something major. At the end, they shout out all the most Asian towns in Southern California and yet they failed to shout out my hometown of Rowland Heights, which has been called the Little Taipei of the San Gabriel Valley. FOR SHAME! (Wait, maybe it’s a good thing that they left it out.)
Ornacia from last night’s season 6, part 1 premiere of the reality show that The American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology calls visual Prozac to soothe all your emotions.
The season premiere episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race was split into two episodes, so last night we only met 7 of the 14 queens who will tuck and pluck their way to a prize package that includes $100,000, a “sickening supply” of makeup (which will last you one afternoon if your name is Xtina) and a six-pack of Bartles & Jaymes since I guess Absolut isn’t a sponsor anymore. My favorite queen of the night and my pick to take it all is ORNACIA!
Ornacia is already a head above the rest of those bitches. Ornacia is the second head of seasoned NYC club kid queen Vivacious and she made the entrance of the night when she glided in above her host body. Ornacia didn’t even break character and kept it one hundred percent glamorous when Vivacious had a little problem unzipping the curtain that revealed her mug:
Not only do I love Ornacia because Ornacia is the name of the ointment I dab on my b-hole lips when I get a breakout, but I also love her because she looks like a Jabawaki with rhinestone acne. If Detective La Toya keeps pulling her face and if she’s lucky, she’s going to look like Ornacia in a few years. Ornacia for the win!
Vid: King of Coney Island
Whenever a character in a TV show or movie or book or video game or whatever says, “Take me to your leader,” this is the leader they want to be taken to. This is regalness! This is royalty! This is Lord KraVen, the biological son of Ming the Merciless who was sent to Earth from his home planet Mongo on a black diamond asteroid to bring humanity to its knees with his glamour and simmering sexiness. Yes, I’m typing this while kneeling on the ground at that picture, so his plan is clearly working.
I was introduced to this glittering, black Glamberace God yesterday when I read a post on Radar about how Jennifer Hudson had him kicked out of the People’s Choice Awards. On the planet Mongo, Lord KraVen is the one who does the banishing, not the other way around! JHud and Lord KraVen were friends until she excommunicated him from her life, because she feels like he did her wrong by using her family tragedy to whore out his music. During the trial of the murder of her family members in 2012, Lord KraVen went on HLN to talk about her grief while promoting his single. JHud immediately declared war on Dave Navvaro’s style icon. So when she saw him at the People’s Choice Awards on Wednesday night, she told organizers that if they wanted her to stay, he had to leave. An act against glamour happened when security guards escorted Lord KraVen out of the Nokia Theater.
Who knows what’s really going on between Lord KraVen (not to be confused with Lori Craven whose name I keep typing) and JHud, but it’s pretty obvious that he was also kicked out of the People’s Choice Awards because his Lip Service-like aura kept shattering the glass trophies.
If you want to know what Lord KraVen’s music sounds like, you can click play on the video below or you can believe me when I say that it’s like Daughtry on helium.
In related news, the city of Paris announced that they are demolishing the Arc de Triomphe. It had a good run, but Paris knew it could never compete with the truly spectacular arcs of hair above Lord KraVen’s eyes. Bow down.
The Sagal Twins! With their Brenda Walsh haircuts (more like Brenda Walsh had a Sagal Twins haircut) and their touch of Winnie Cooper faces (more like Winnie Cooper had a touch of Sagal Twins face), Jean and Liz Sagal took the early 80s
BY STORM by a light trickle that quickly dried up in the sidewalk cracks with their limited-edition sitcom Double Trouble. Double Trouble was about twins who were nothing like, a plot that was never done before and hasn’t been done since! It was obviously TOO revolutionary for 1984, because it only lasted on NBC for 2 seasons before its re-runs were banished to basic cable where I used to watch it on our illegal descrambler box. How it didn’t run for the rest of eternity is a question that even the universe can’t answer. I mean, the glitter hairspray on half-rolled bangs should’ve earned it AT LEAST a ten season pickup:
The Sagal Twins were also in the underground art house masterpiece Grease 2 and their older sister is Katey Sagal. I think it’s about time for The Sagal Twins to give an encore of the performance above at a Sons of Anarchy club meeting.
In the padded room of a mental hospital in England somewhere is a beach walker muttering out the words “E.T. phone nightmares…“, because they watched as the police pulled this terrifying life-size replica of E.T. from the shore. The beach walker initially thought it was a dead body and called the coast guard, but it turned out to be something much more nightmare-inducing. The giant terror doll, which sorts of looks like a fat Larry King with Progeria and Eczema, belongs to 76-year-old Margaret Wells. E.T. was snatched from Margaret’s home during a robbery a few months ago and she says she’s been looking for it ever since. Margaret told The Telegraph:
‘There’s only one in the whole of England and that is mine. The police rang and said somebody has found a body in the Solent and it belongs to you – it’s E.T.’ I always knew E.T. would come home. He has lost a finger and looks a bit roughed up. But he has a smile on his face.”
Uh huh, that smile on his face wasn’t a “glad to be home” smile, it was a “glad to be terrorizing you with Reese’s Pieces-flavored day terrors” again. I mean, that picture looks like a still from a horrifying and illegal porn parody used to scare porn addicts into going sober. If you stare at that Mary in the background long enough, it’s obvious she’s praying to her savior above to erase the scene on the couch from her head.
Margaret says that the E.T. doll was made for her by her own daughter and she’s so glad to have him back home with her. Please. We all know Margaret’s the one who threw that monster doll of horrors into the water. We also know that as soon as the Telegraph left, she unsuccessfully tried to shove it down the garbage disposal before collapsing onto the floor and realizing that it will terrorize her for the rest of her days. That’s some Talking Tina shit.
But I think what’s most terrifying is that Russell Brand has definitely found a way to fap to this.
Amelia the Cat might be the only creature on this planet that can listen to a Ke$ha song on full blast in the middle of a mental hospital playground while watching One Night in Chyna in front of a plate of blue waffles with a “Fuck Justin Bieber” t-shirt on her body and live to meow the tale, because the pussy is indestructible!
The 18-year-old cat used up a good portion of her nine lives when she fell out of a moving truck crossing over a bridge in Washington earlier this month. The fall made Amelia a little fucked up in the brains and as she tried to figure out what the hell just happened, a car hit her, causing her to fly over the bridge and fall 70 feet to the ground below. A horrified driver who watched the entire thing while making this face quickly drove down under the bridge expecting to see the spirit of the pussy with angel wings and a harp in its front legs floating above the body, but this is not what she witnessed! She found the Catwoman of cats alive and sort of well.
The cat was taken to the local Humane Society who named her Amelia because she “flew.” The vets at the Human Society were amazed that Amelia only suffered a broken front leg and a cracked palate. Sadly, they later learned that Amelia was knocked up with a litter that died from the fall. But since Amelia’s chichis are full of leche and she’s the kind of bitch who just gets up and goes with the flow, she’s nursing an orphan kitten. One of the directors at the Humane Society said, “We stuck a 2-week-old kitten in her pen. Amelia rolls over, lifts her leg up, and says, ‘Milk’s over here.’ She’s an awesome kitty.”
I would say that Amelia should join the Jackass crew immediately, but well….
And meanwhile, my dog just screeched like a virgin bottom at a plug and pass party when I brushed his hair too hard. “Now who’s the pussy, bitch?” – Amelia to my dog
Beth Weems Pirtle, the 76-year-old beauty queen champion from North Texas and the newly crowned Miss American Dreams Senior!
At 76 years old, Beth Weems Pirtle is showing girls half her age (and even one tenth of her age) how you really wear glamour, grace, elegance, rhinestone and the most expensive satin fabric at a JoAnn’s clearance sale! Beth Weems Pirtle (a refined lady that I feel like I should always address by her full name) won her last title all the way back in the 90s, but she recently sashayed out of retirement to compete in the Miss American Dreams pageant after they invited her. This was obviously all supposed to happen since Beth Weems Pirtle bought a brand new TERRY COSTA ORIGINAL (grab your chest and gasp like that means something) just before she got the invitation.
When Beth Weems Pirtle’s perfectly manicured toe hit the stage, all her other competition disappeared. No, seriously all the other glamour memaws left the room because they had to pee for the fifth time in an hour. Beth Weems Pirtle easily won the title! She now has a crown that tastes like Werther’s Originals when you lick it! And a sash made of epsom salt that dissolves in the bath to soothe Beth Weems Pirtle’s royal bones.
Here’s a short interview Beth Weems Pirtle gave to the local news. She’s almost like Blanche Devereaux sans that whole BIG SLUT thing. Behold your new Miss American Dreams Senior!
This just confirms to Donald Trump that the age limit for Miss USA should be raised to 77 next year! I mean, can any of those unseasoned young hos pop the “hand to face” pose like Beth Weems Pirtle is in the picture above? I’m beauty queen waving at the answer “NO!!!”
No, that’s not Andy from Little Britain video bombing that newscast above. It’s The News Raider of England (Birth Name: Paul Yarrow)!
For the past few months, a spoonful of dried up oatmeal with thinning blonde hair on top has been popping up in the background of dozens of news broadcasts all around London. If there’s a reporter with a mic standing in front of a camera in a public place in London, you better believe Paul is going to be chilling out behind him wearing the same Malt O Meal colored sweater like a cartoon character.
Not only is Paul a camera fucker who just won’t quit, he probably can name a news reporter just by looking at their ass cheeks. That’s Paul’s greatest skill of all.
Fidgetwith (via Daily Mail) has been following Paul’s career, and they are the ones who identified him as a community worker from South London who has won several charity awards for caring for the elderly. Paul auditioned for a spot on Big Brother saying he’s the “fat guy who wants to be on television.”
Below is Paul’s appearance on Russell Howard’s Good News show.
Boredom is a serious SERIOUS drug.
The name of Miley Cyrus’ album is “BANGERZ” and it sounds like the name of a bottom of the barrel amateur porn site where all the chicks have popped pimples on their asses and all the dudes have over-lubed dicks that can’t get hard. It’s perfect! – HuffPo
Grace Kelly’s granddaughter has un cas des bébés – Lainey Gossip
I always knew that in Walter White’s past life he was a Power Rangers villain – The Superficial
And postal workers thought their craziest enemies were yappy ass dogs – Drunken Stepfather
Maybe Robert Pattinson was nervous because he came down with a sudden case of the violent shits and he just so happened to be in Kristen Stewart’s neighborhood and so stopped in to use her toilet. That’s it! – Celebitchy
I thought that said “Joely” Fisher and I was like, DAMN! – Hollywood Tuna
Anastasia Ashley is our new Michelle Jenneke – YouTube
SPOILER ALERT! Someone gets engaged to someone on this Thursday’s Project Runway and sadly Tim Gunn doesn’t get engaged to Alexander Pope – Towleroad
Either a pap sharted or Vanessa Hudgens has a field of herp sores on her lips – Popoholic
These are ad placements gone RIGHT if you ask me – The Berry
Rich Kids of Instagram is going to be a TV show – Reality Tea
The New York Post’s critic tells Jennifer Aniston to cover up her desperation and have a seat next to Demi Moore – Pajiba
There’s nothing more threatening than a douche fetus ripping off his onesie in the middle of a club – IDLYITW
And here I am awwww-ing at some stank raccoon eating gunk out of a pussy’s ear – OMG Blog
Usher’s little son almost drowned to death in his pool and no, I’m not talking about Justin Bieber – ICYDK
Leonardo DiCatchAHo is working the top knot in Spain – Popsugar
WHO IS THIS IMPOSTOR COOKIE MONSTER SINGING ABOUT RESISTING COOKIES?!!!!? – Videogum
Day Above Ground is so confused by this Japanese bra commercial – Gawker
Kaley Cuoco found a new piece to buy a Starbucks for – Just Jared
Send me to hell in a giant CROC, but I always cackle when a dude gets shut down after proposing marriage to a girl in front of everyone – SOW
Jake Osbourne’s sperm fishes are working hard – I’m Not Obsessed
Earth to these bitches: Your childhood wasn’t shit to begin with if Raven Symone coming out as a coochie lover ruined it for you - Crunk + Disorderly
Seen above in a picture from the future taken at Justin Bieber’s Scientology baptism ceremony (I won’t tell you if you’re right or wrong if you ask me if that’s the jizz of Xenu covering them), Will Smith and the Biebs are apparently mentor and mentoree and every week they shoot the shit (shit being the key word) about life before Will asks him if he has any naked pictures of Usher (for mentor purposes only).
In a way too long damage control piece for The Hollywood Reporter, Justin’s manager Scooter Braun (yes, that is the name of a grown adult man and not Nickelodeon cartoon character) says that Marky Mark, Eminem, Oprah, fellow douche Adam Levine and Tom Hanks have all offered to counsel the douche rash on humanity, but Will Smith’s the one who gets his ear every single week. The Hollywood Reporter just had to add a little note saying that the Biebs and Will never talk about the words of L. Ron Hubbard. Uh huh, and John Travolta isn’t getting the thetans on his b-hole popped by a male massage therapist as I type this.
But the most present mentor is Will Smith. Braun tells of a particularly tough time for Bieber around the time he returned from his world tour in May that prompted the movie star to drive to Bieber’s house and pull him out of bed for a three-hour talk. Bieber’s reaction, according to Braun: “He said, ‘Man, that makes me feel so loved. I woke up, and there’s Will Smith, one of, if not the, biggest movie stars on the planet. He took time out of his day for me.’ ”
Now, Bieber and Smith have a weekly call to go over any potential issues, emotional or otherwise. (Scientology has never been discussed.) At the same time, Braun adds of Smith, “He’s telling me: ‘Justin’s got to go through it. You can’t stop him from going through it. That’s youth in itself. He’s a young man who’s growing up, and that’s what makes him interesting and relatable. Otherwise, he’d be some kind of weird robot.”
I was starting to think that Will Smith recruiting Joffrey Bieber into Scientology isn’t that bad of an idea, but then I realized that would be the worst idea. Those crazy bitches at Scientology believe that when it comes to toddlers, you should just let them do whatever they want, when they want it and how they want it. That’s some anti-abuelita shit right there. Justin Bieber becoming a Scientologist would be a disaster. They’d let him really go crazy. That would be like dropping Rob Ford and Brooke Mueller into a fully loaded crack house together. That would be like giving Suri Cruise a black AMEX and sending her into a Barney’s alone. Civilization would burn to the ground, so it’s best if the Biebs stays away from Xenu.
And here’s proof that Will Smith is a shit mentor. The Biebs had this to say to THR about his “haters.”
“I don’t give a fuck. Not ‘I don’t give a fuck’ to just be reckless and do whatever, but ‘I don’t give a fuck what they say.’ … I know who I am and what I’m doing in my life and what I’ve accomplished and continue to accomplish as a performer, as a writer, as an artist, as a person, as a human being. I’m happy with the man I’m becoming.”
That first part reads like the official Scientology parenting motto. And the second part should’ve been auto-corrected to “douche delusions of grandeur” when I copy and pasted it from The Hollywood Reporter. Some wonderful mentoring by Will Smith!
And here’s Will’s son Jaden Smith looking like a young Whoopi Goldberg while on a date with KylieKendallWhatever Jenner.