I didn’t know Aaryn from Big Brother was a songwriter too!
If LFO and The Lonely Island slid themselves into the head of that racist UCLA wreck to write a parody song about Asian girls for SNL, it would probably sound a lot like Day Above Ground’s “Asian Girlz.” I really kept waiting for the lost member of Nickelback (aka the lead singer) to rip off his face and reveal that he’s really Andy Samberg, but it never happened.
If you haven’t heard of Day Above Ground, you will definitely hear more from them thanks to such poetic lyrics as “I love your sticky rice, buttfucking all night” and “it’s the Year of the Dragon, ninja pussy I’m stabbin’.” After this song and video got a whole lot of shit thrown at it, the girl in it, model Levy Tran, apologized on Twitter and the band farted out this explanation:
This song is us, Day Above Ground, making fun of ourselves (and many, many other guys) obsession with the always lovely, Asian Woman. It pushes this concept to an absurd level, but at the same time is endearing & submissive.. WE ARE NOT RACIST, HAHA! I mean, look at our band, it’s multicultural!! The guy in the bow-tie, our cutie bass player, was born in Indonesia, and he steals the show!! Please don’t take this tongue-in-cheek tribute to some of the most gorgeous women on the planet too seriously!! You’ll ruin the fun of it all!! Thanks for watching, sincerely!!
You know, it is kind of poetic that she uses them as dildos at the end.
Not only is this song a mess, but they left out something major. At the end, they shout out all the most Asian towns in Southern California and yet they failed to shout out my hometown of Rowland Heights, which has been called the Little Taipei of the San Gabriel Valley. FOR SHAME! (Wait, maybe it’s a good thing that they left it out.)
The Sagal Twins! With their Brenda Walsh haircuts (more like Brenda Walsh had a Sagal Twins haircut) and their touch of Winnie Cooper faces (more like Winnie Cooper had a touch of Sagal Twins face), Jean and Liz Sagal took the early 80s
BY STORM by a light trickle that quickly dried up in the sidewalk cracks with their limited-edition sitcom Double Trouble. Double Trouble was about twins who were nothing like, a plot that was never done before and hasn’t been done since! It was obviously TOO revolutionary for 1984, because it only lasted on NBC for 2 seasons before its re-runs were banished to basic cable where I used to watch it on our illegal descrambler box. How it didn’t run for the rest of eternity is a question that even the universe can’t answer. I mean, the glitter hairspray on half-rolled bangs should’ve earned it AT LEAST a ten season pickup:
The Sagal Twins were also in the underground art house masterpiece Grease 2 and their older sister is Katey Sagal. I think it’s about time for The Sagal Twins to give an encore of the performance above at a Sons of Anarchy club meeting.
In the padded room of a mental hospital in England somewhere is a beach walker muttering out the words “E.T. phone nightmares…“, because they watched as the police pulled this terrifying life-size replica of E.T. from the shore. The beach walker initially thought it was a dead body and called the coast guard, but it turned out to be something much more nightmare-inducing. The giant terror doll, which sorts of looks like a fat Larry King with Progeria and Eczema, belongs to 76-year-old Margaret Wells. E.T. was snatched from Margaret’s home during a robbery a few months ago and she says she’s been looking for it ever since. Margaret told The Telegraph:
‘There’s only one in the whole of England and that is mine. The police rang and said somebody has found a body in the Solent and it belongs to you – it’s E.T.’ I always knew E.T. would come home. He has lost a finger and looks a bit roughed up. But he has a smile on his face.”
Uh huh, that smile on his face wasn’t a “glad to be home” smile, it was a “glad to be terrorizing you with Reese’s Pieces-flavored day terrors” again. I mean, that picture looks like a still from a horrifying and illegal porn parody used to scare porn addicts into going sober. If you stare at that Mary in the background long enough, it’s obvious she’s praying to her savior above to erase the scene on the couch from her head.
Margaret says that the E.T. doll was made for her by her own daughter and she’s so glad to have him back home with her. Please. We all know Margaret’s the one who threw that monster doll of horrors into the water. We also know that as soon as the Telegraph left, she unsuccessfully tried to shove it down the garbage disposal before collapsing onto the floor and realizing that it will terrorize her for the rest of her days. That’s some Talking Tina shit.
But I think what’s most terrifying is that Russell Brand has definitely found a way to fap to this.
Amelia the Cat might be the only creature on this planet that can listen to a Ke$ha song on full blast in the middle of a mental hospital playground while watching One Night in Chyna in front of a plate of blue waffles with a “Fuck Justin Bieber” t-shirt on her body and live to meow the tale, because the pussy is indestructible!
The 18-year-old cat used up a good portion of her nine lives when she fell out of a moving truck crossing over a bridge in Washington earlier this month. The fall made Amelia a little fucked up in the brains and as she tried to figure out what the hell just happened, a car hit her, causing her to fly over the bridge and fall 70 feet to the ground below. A horrified driver who watched the entire thing while making this face quickly drove down under the bridge expecting to see the spirit of the pussy with angel wings and a harp in its front legs floating above the body, but this is not what she witnessed! She found the Catwoman of cats alive and sort of well.
The cat was taken to the local Humane Society who named her Amelia because she “flew.” The vets at the Human Society were amazed that Amelia only suffered a broken front leg and a cracked palate. Sadly, they later learned that Amelia was knocked up with a litter that died from the fall. But since Amelia’s chichis are full of leche and she’s the kind of bitch who just gets up and goes with the flow, she’s nursing an orphan kitten. One of the directors at the Humane Society said, “We stuck a 2-week-old kitten in her pen. Amelia rolls over, lifts her leg up, and says, ‘Milk’s over here.’ She’s an awesome kitty.”
I would say that Amelia should join the Jackass crew immediately, but well….
And meanwhile, my dog just screeched like a virgin bottom at a plug and pass party when I brushed his hair too hard. “Now who’s the pussy, bitch?” – Amelia to my dog
Beth Weems Pirtle, the 76-year-old beauty queen champion from North Texas and the newly crowned Miss American Dreams Senior!
At 76 years old, Beth Weems Pirtle is showing girls half her age (and even one tenth of her age) how you really wear glamour, grace, elegance, rhinestone and the most expensive satin fabric at a JoAnn’s clearance sale! Beth Weems Pirtle (a refined lady that I feel like I should always address by her full name) won her last title all the way back in the 90s, but she recently sashayed out of retirement to compete in the Miss American Dreams pageant after they invited her. This was obviously all supposed to happen since Beth Weems Pirtle bought a brand new TERRY COSTA ORIGINAL (grab your chest and gasp like that means something) just before she got the invitation.
When Beth Weems Pirtle’s perfectly manicured toe hit the stage, all her other competition disappeared. No, seriously all the other glamour memaws left the room because they had to pee for the fifth time in an hour. Beth Weems Pirtle easily won the title! She now has a crown that tastes like Werther’s Originals when you lick it! And a sash made of epsom salt that dissolves in the bath to soothe Beth Weems Pirtle’s royal bones.
Here’s a short interview Beth Weems Pirtle gave to the local news. She’s almost like Blanche Devereaux sans that whole BIG SLUT thing. Behold your new Miss American Dreams Senior!
This just confirms to Donald Trump that the age limit for Miss USA should be raised to 77 next year! I mean, can any of those unseasoned young hos pop the “hand to face” pose like Beth Weems Pirtle is in the picture above? I’m beauty queen waving at the answer “NO!!!”
No, that’s not Andy from Little Britain video bombing that newscast above. It’s The News Raider of England (Birth Name: Paul Yarrow)!
For the past few months, a spoonful of dried up oatmeal with thinning blonde hair on top has been popping up in the background of dozens of news broadcasts all around London. If there’s a reporter with a mic standing in front of a camera in a public place in London, you better believe Paul is going to be chilling out behind him wearing the same Malt O Meal colored sweater like a cartoon character.
Not only is Paul a camera fucker who just won’t quit, he probably can name a news reporter just by looking at their ass cheeks. That’s Paul’s greatest skill of all.
Fidgetwith (via Daily Mail) has been following Paul’s career, and they are the ones who identified him as a community worker from South London who has won several charity awards for caring for the elderly. Paul auditioned for a spot on Big Brother saying he’s the “fat guy who wants to be on television.”
Below is Paul’s appearance on Russell Howard’s Good News show.
Boredom is a serious SERIOUS drug.
The name of Miley Cyrus’ album is “BANGERZ” and it sounds like the name of a bottom of the barrel amateur porn site where all the chicks have popped pimples on their asses and all the dudes have over-lubed dicks that can’t get hard. It’s perfect! – HuffPo
Grace Kelly’s granddaughter has un cas des bébés – Lainey Gossip
I always knew that in Walter White’s past life he was a Power Rangers villain – The Superficial
And postal workers thought their craziest enemies were yappy ass dogs – Drunken Stepfather
Maybe Robert Pattinson was nervous because he came down with a sudden case of the violent shits and he just so happened to be in Kristen Stewart’s neighborhood and so stopped in to use her toilet. That’s it! – Celebitchy
I thought that said “Joely” Fisher and I was like, DAMN! – Hollywood Tuna
Anastasia Ashley is our new Michelle Jenneke – YouTube
SPOILER ALERT! Someone gets engaged to someone on this Thursday’s Project Runway and sadly Tim Gunn doesn’t get engaged to Alexander Pope – Towleroad
Either a pap sharted or Vanessa Hudgens has a field of herp sores on her lips – Popoholic
These are ad placements gone RIGHT if you ask me – The Berry
Rich Kids of Instagram is going to be a TV show – Reality Tea
The New York Post’s critic tells Jennifer Aniston to cover up her desperation and have a seat next to Demi Moore – Pajiba
There’s nothing more threatening than a douche fetus ripping off his onesie in the middle of a club – IDLYITW
And here I am awwww-ing at some stank raccoon eating gunk out of a pussy’s ear – OMG Blog
Usher’s little son almost drowned to death in his pool and no, I’m not talking about Justin Bieber – ICYDK
Leonardo DiCatchAHo is working the top knot in Spain – Popsugar
WHO IS THIS IMPOSTOR COOKIE MONSTER SINGING ABOUT RESISTING COOKIES?!!!!? – Videogum
Day Above Ground is so confused by this Japanese bra commercial – Gawker
Kaley Cuoco found a new piece to buy a Starbucks for – Just Jared
Send me to hell in a giant CROC, but I always cackle when a dude gets shut down after proposing marriage to a girl in front of everyone – SOW
Jake Osbourne’s sperm fishes are working hard – I’m Not Obsessed
Earth to these bitches: Your childhood wasn’t shit to begin with if Raven Symone coming out as a coochie lover ruined it for you - Crunk + Disorderly
Seen above in a picture from the future taken at Justin Bieber’s Scientology baptism ceremony (I won’t tell you if you’re right or wrong if you ask me if that’s the jizz of Xenu covering them), Will Smith and the Biebs are apparently mentor and mentoree and every week they shoot the shit (shit being the key word) about life before Will asks him if he has any naked pictures of Usher (for mentor purposes only).
In a way too long damage control piece for The Hollywood Reporter, Justin’s manager Scooter Braun (yes, that is the name of a grown adult man and not Nickelodeon cartoon character) says that Marky Mark, Eminem, Oprah, fellow douche Adam Levine and Tom Hanks have all offered to counsel the douche rash on humanity, but Will Smith’s the one who gets his ear every single week. The Hollywood Reporter just had to add a little note saying that the Biebs and Will never talk about the words of L. Ron Hubbard. Uh huh, and John Travolta isn’t getting the thetans on his b-hole popped by a male massage therapist as I type this.
But the most present mentor is Will Smith. Braun tells of a particularly tough time for Bieber around the time he returned from his world tour in May that prompted the movie star to drive to Bieber’s house and pull him out of bed for a three-hour talk. Bieber’s reaction, according to Braun: “He said, ‘Man, that makes me feel so loved. I woke up, and there’s Will Smith, one of, if not the, biggest movie stars on the planet. He took time out of his day for me.’ ”
Now, Bieber and Smith have a weekly call to go over any potential issues, emotional or otherwise. (Scientology has never been discussed.) At the same time, Braun adds of Smith, “He’s telling me: ‘Justin’s got to go through it. You can’t stop him from going through it. That’s youth in itself. He’s a young man who’s growing up, and that’s what makes him interesting and relatable. Otherwise, he’d be some kind of weird robot.”
I was starting to think that Will Smith recruiting Joffrey Bieber into Scientology isn’t that bad of an idea, but then I realized that would be the worst idea. Those crazy bitches at Scientology believe that when it comes to toddlers, you should just let them do whatever they want, when they want it and how they want it. That’s some anti-abuelita shit right there. Justin Bieber becoming a Scientologist would be a disaster. They’d let him really go crazy. That would be like dropping Rob Ford and Brooke Mueller into a fully loaded crack house together. That would be like giving Suri Cruise a black AMEX and sending her into a Barney’s alone. Civilization would burn to the ground, so it’s best if the Biebs stays away from Xenu.
And here’s proof that Will Smith is a shit mentor. The Biebs had this to say to THR about his “haters.”
“I don’t give a fuck. Not ‘I don’t give a fuck’ to just be reckless and do whatever, but ‘I don’t give a fuck what they say.’ … I know who I am and what I’m doing in my life and what I’ve accomplished and continue to accomplish as a performer, as a writer, as an artist, as a person, as a human being. I’m happy with the man I’m becoming.”
That first part reads like the official Scientology parenting motto. And the second part should’ve been auto-corrected to “douche delusions of grandeur” when I copy and pasted it from The Hollywood Reporter. Some wonderful mentoring by Will Smith!
And here’s Will’s son Jaden Smith looking like a young Whoopi Goldberg while on a date with KylieKendallWhatever Jenner.
Two unfaithful wives. The First Wife is still trying to figure out if she wants to be one. She and her husband have been through a lot the last few years, on both sides. It was before the trouble though when she had an affair with a colleague — still above the line, but with a smaller spotlight, both compared to First Wife and his own wife who’s just as famous too, and should be just as acclaimed. The affair was intense, so intense that First Wife wanted to end her marriage and he was going to end his marriage but then her husband needed her in crisis. So she helped him recover, and as soon as he healed, she fell apart. By the time she got it together, her moment with her lover had passed. He happily reconnected with his own wife (though she has no idea) while First Wife is struggling with what would have been.
As for the Second Wife – everyone’s been speculating about her infidelity recently but they might be focusing on the wrong target. The right target isn’t a billionaire but he’s a pretty successful player too, albeit on a smaller screen. Their involvement led to an award for her, and a divorce for him. She was attracted to him because “he’s the hot geeky type like her husband”. Both insist that they never moved past suggestive texting and heavy flirting and never ended up consummating their attraction. Bullshit. There was at least one night and that’s why she’s so freaked out about the takedown that’s been coming to her. She’d be happy if they stayed on the current scene they’re on so long as she doesn’t get busted for this one.
PS. Everyone mentioned here is a major celebrity. (Lainey Gossip)
The First Wife is Catherine Zeta-Jones? Around the time that Michael Douglas lied to us all when he said that he had throat cancer (he really had tongue cancer), CZJ was directed in a movie by Bart Freundlich. Bart Freundlich is married to Julianne Moore. CZJ boning on Bart Freundlich is kind of hard to believe. If you even think about cheating on ginger goddess Julianne Moore, your peen will fall to the ground, slither to a storm drain and find its way to HELL. CZJ’s snatch probably knew that Michael Douglas was going to lie about having throat cancer and put the blame on it, so it got revenge by getting on another dick.
The second wife is Goopy Paltrow? Exhibit: A. The only major award that Goopy has won since marrying Chris Martin is the Emmy she got for Glee. I don’t think of any those hos on Glee are married, so I’m guessing this blind is talking about a producer whose name isn’t Ryan Murphy.
Expose her, Vanity Fair! But try to expose her before December 25th so Christmas can come early!
At some point I think people should just get divorced rather than to resort to what this married B list celebrity/reality show host puts female guests through. If you are a stripper or escort or just a pick up he is hiding from his A+ list celebrity wife you have to sign a five page confidentiality agreement that is in Spanish and English and is in BOLD print and to sign it before you ever get a chance to meet with the celebrity. Their photo is also taken signing the agreement and stapled to it. He could just have sex with his wife too I suppose. (CDAN)
Mario Lopez’s wife isn’t even hanging on to the Z list, so I’ll guess Nick Cannon?
It is hard to believe that this former A list tweener was once this naive but for almost a year she had no idea her boyfriend was also sleeping with a guy. A much older guy. So there was our tweener about to have a procedure to take care of her pregnancy and her boyfriend who got her pregnant was having sex with an old man. Must have been one heck of a Thanksgiving at her house. (CDAN)
Miley and Justin Gaston? Or Ashlee Simpson, Ryan Cabrera and Papa Joe? And now I need to go and pour Clorox in my eye sockets until the images drown out.
The Snobby Saleswoman who Oprah says wouldn’t show her a $40,000 crocodile bag because she’s black and didn’t look like she could afford it told her side of the story to the Swiss paper SonntagsBlick (translated by The Daily Mail).The Snobby Saleswoman, who didn’t want to give her name, says that the most powerful Demigod on the planet is ruining her life by spreading lies about what really happened. She says that she had no idea who Oprah was when The Mighty O strolled into Trois Pommes in Zurich. The Snobby Saleswoman showed Oprah a few purses and when The Mighty O asked to see the infamous $40,000 bag, she explained it’s just like the one she held in her hand only more expensive. Oh, so bitch did use the “it’s VERY expensive” line. CAUGHT! The Snobby Saleswoman put the entire incident like this:
“I wasn’t sure what I should present to her when she came in on the afternoon of Saturday, July 20, so I showed her some bags from the Jennifer Aniston collection.”
Let me just press pause on Snobby Saleswoman’s story for just one second. THE JENNIFER ANISTON COLLECTION! I’ve never sold purses in my life, but I’m pretty sure that any bitch would be offended and disgusted if I showed them purses from the Jennifer Aniston collection. Show them a Lisa Frank fanny pack or a Jaclyn Smith for KMart tote purse, but don’t EVER show them some Jennifer Aniston crap. Moving on…
“I explained to her the bags came in different sizes and materials, like I always do. She looked at a frame behind me. Far above there was the 35,000 Swiss franc crocodile leather bag. I simply told her that it was like the one I held in my hand, only much more expensive, and that I could show her similar bags. It is absolutely not true that I declined to show her the bag on racist grounds. I even asked her if she wanted to look at the bag. She looked around the store again but didn’t say anything else. Then she went with her companion to the lower floor. My colleague saw them to the door. They were not even in the store for five minutes.”
Snobby Saleswoman claims that she never told The Mighty O, “I don’t want to hurt your feelings, you can’t afford this bag,” and that she treats everybody the same.
“This is not true. This is absurd. I would never say something like that to a customer. Really never. Good manners and politeness are the Alpha and the Omega in this business. I don’t know why she is making these accusations. She is so powerful and I am just a shop girl. I didn’t hurt anyone. I don’t know why someone as great as her must cannibalize me on TV. If it had all taken place as she claimed, why has she not complained the next day at the wedding of Tina Turner with Trudie Goetz, my boss? She was there also at the Turner wedding as a guest. I don’t understand it. I spoke to Oprah Winfrey in English. My English is okay but not excellent, unfortunately.”
CANNIBALIZE HER! So Snobby Saleswoman isn’t only accusing Oprah’s mouth of being an overreacting lie machine, but she’s also accusing Oprah of eating her? Those cries of betrayal filling your ears are from Gayle King.
The Mighty O was asked about this shit at last night’s L.A. premiere of Lee Daniels’ The Butler and she apologized for blowing it up and turning it into a highly important international incident!
“I think that incident in Switzerland was just an incident in Switzerland. I’m really sorry that it got blown up. I purposefully did not mention the name of the store. I’m sorry that I said it was Switzerland. I was just referencing it as an example of being in a place where people don’t expect that you would be able to be there.”
The lesson to be learned here is if you’re a salesperson and somebody asks to see something, show it to their asses, because that’s your job and you never know if they queef out diamond-encrusted crotch berries like Oprah does. The other lesson to be learned here is if you’re Oprah and you tell Nancy O’Dell that a Snobby Saleswoman was kind of racist to you, don’t be surprised if the media drags that Snobby Saleswoman into the street for everyone to look at.
But hopefully, The Mighty O and Snobby Saleswoman can come together, patch shit up and direct their hate at Jennifer Aniston. Because clearly, it’s all her fault.