Look at that tragic, tortured, frizzled creature. No, I'm not talking about Kate Gosselin herself (this time). I'm pointing and hissing at that thing on her head. The poor possum is still being violated by large pieces of pine straw. The sad part is that Kate got her weave worked on the day these pictures were taken. This is a fresh weave! The damn scarecrow called me on his corn phone and wants Kate to return his pubic bush.

If she's trying to look like David Lee Roth circa 1984 on purpose, then she needs more spandex, more curl, more chest hair and a lot more zest.

Anyways, here's Kate leaving Butter in NYC last night with a friend. Hopefully, she went back to her hotel and soaked that thing in a tub full of butter (Paula Deen just came....whipped butter).

Martini Ranch - Long before Bill Paxton was giving Old Rose the tingles down below (you know he was) in Titanic and passing his Mormon peen around in Big Love, he formed a musical duo with Andrew Todd Rosenthal called Martini Ranch. They were like an 80 proof Hall & Oates with an extra shot of bottom shelf bourbon and a bowl of stale peanuts. Since all great things only last a few seconds, they quit the music business after 1 album.

But in that time, they managed to put out this legendary masterpiece. It's the video for their song "Reach" directed by James Cameron with a cameo by his then-wife Kathryn Bigelow (at the 2:58 mark). This clip has more cinematic fartistry than Avatar and The Hurt Locker combined! Body building saloon sluts! White mariachis! Overuse of sepia! What more could you ask for? This is what Bad Girls should've been like:

(For Morgan)

Natalie Cole (60)
Calum Best (29)
Kim Zmeskal (34)
Rick Astley (44)
Axl Rose (48)
Robert Townsend (53)
Kathy Najimy (53)
Jim Sheridan (61)
Tom Brokaw (70)
Rip Torn (79)
Mamie Van Doren (79)
Zsa Zsa Gabor (93)

If you get moist for Meloni (you know who you are), then you better cover your genitals up, because this news might make them weep all weekend. You don't want that. Or maybe you do, you sucio fuck!

Christopher Meloni recently told Australia's Courier Mail (via E!) that he might just take his furry donut hole (I'm assuming this) off of Law & Order: SVU when his contract is up after season 12. Christopher said:

"I think 12 years is enough, a good number. The writers will have fertile ground to figure out how to arc him (his character Elliot) out to another place – whether it's this world or the next. It will be a very difficult transition. I mean, Jesus Christ, every day when you get used to getting up early and working these hours. When you're an actor (not working) it's like, 'Has anyone called yet?'. And having to audition again, which I loathe."

Christopher plans to do theater stuff and "guerrilla-style sleeper" films after he hangs up his holster. Christopher's co-star Mariska Hargitay says she isn't quitting that bitch just yet.

See, Mariska is staying, so you don't need to scream "Noooooooo" at full volume. Just scream it at a 6. And to ease the pain a bit, just tell yourself that when Christopher says he's going to act in "guerrilla-style sleeper films" he really means he's going to do features for Skinemax.

In case you haven't been informed, the DC area will look like the inside of one of Lindsay Lohan's nostrils this weekend due to a shit load of snow. While many are stocking up on the necessities (i.e. booze, condoms, jerky, porn), the infamous Jim Kosek from Accuweather.com is losing his MIIIIIIIIND. Seriously, dude needs to stop smoking snow in the alley behind the studio, and start smoking a bowl instead. Oh Boy.....get yourself a bong!

(Thanks Shera)

So Jamie Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge (the one who forgot to pull out) broke up. UsWeekly says it's so. And I'm saying that I didn't think they were together anymore. I was under the impression that Casey was no longer parking his pick-up on Jamie's front lawn anymore. I was wrong, because they only broke up within the past 4 months. And Jamie Lynne's already found a new dude to push her cart at the Piggy Wiggly and share a jar of moonshine with.

According to Star Magazine, 18-year-old Jamie Lynn has been bumping pork rinds with a 28-year-old well-to-do local businessman named James Watson. No, James is not the town's weed man of choice. James apparently owns his own company. A source explains, "He installs communications equipment and high-definition TVs for large corporations." Translation: Bitch installs satellites on the lip of your roof for Dish Network.

The source went on to say, "They started dating last December. I don't think James cares at all about who she is; they really seem to like each other."

It's hard for me to throw hate at Jamie Lynn, because she can easily pimp out her baby by starring in a TLC reality show and posing in pictorials for Life & Style every season. But Jamie Lynn chose to keep her country ass in the country. So if she wants to diddle on some 28-year-old dick to get free satellite and pay-per-view, let her!

EW's Michael Ausiello has gotten on his blow horn and is screaming that Alan Ball has cast the role of Debbie Pelt in season 3 of True Blood. After auditioning a ton of ladies, the role has gone to Brit Morgan who was in The Middleman and a movie called Beer for My Horses, which is going to magically find its way onto my Netflix queue.

In the books, Debbie Pelt is described as a psycho bitch who becomes Sookeh's arch rival. Alan said Debbie will be featured more in the TV show than she was in the books. I didn't read the books, because why bother when you can watch Alexander Skarsgard's nipples act everything out for you.

And since I become Dyslexic for has-been TV stars, I read the headline as: Morgan Brittany cast in True Blood:

I raised my hands and praised St. Alan Ball for bringing the 80s Vivien Leigh out of the halfway house and back onto our TV screens. Unfortunately, my orgasm died in a quick minute when I learned the tragic truth. Maybe Alan can dethrone Evan Rachel Wood as the Queen Vampire and place the crown on Morgan Brittany's head instead. Bitch needs a check!

Um. Somebody should tell Orlando Bloom that you should take off all your clothes before you go skinny dipping - Just Jared

Anne Hathaway hos it up for GQ - Egotastic!

Beyonce and Lady CaCa are looking especially sessy these days - Towleroad

Vanity Fair's Hollywood issue is not only filled with pretty white girls - Lainey Gossip

It must be hard times for the paps if they are taking pictures of that ho who got kicked off of The Bachelor (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

If Ginger Spice wants to dress like a slutty school girl with cold shoulders and an overheated midriff, let her! - Hollywood Tuna

Ceiling Eyes is dating a tattooed lesbian hedgehog - Popsugar

Katie Price and Roxanne's marriage to detonate in 3..2..- Holy Moly!

Does Denise Richards have an alibi? - Hollywood Rag

3 reasons to love CoCo (ignore the top right picture) - Cityrag

Tiger Woods graduated Magnum Cum Loudly from sex rehab today - Celebitchy

The Photoshop Awards: Keira Knightley's off-center head on Elle - ICYDK

30 Seconds to Boom - Socialite Life

Mickey Rourke wants to bone Megan Fox - I'm Not Obsessed

Does David Archuleta wear ass pads? Naw. I think his diaper just needs changing - Tabloid Prodigy

The Jersey Shore's answer to Tattoo was not welcomed with fist pumps and pickle love when she hosted the Wing Bowl in Philadelphia this morning. After Snookwells made her grand entrance, the audience showered her with boos (hey, at least she got a shower). Snooks showed them the love right back by fingering them on live TV.

The amount of sheer elegance in the clip above almost trumps Pamela Anderson signing her perfume at a Rite-Aid outside of Philadelphia. Almost.

And I guarantee you, one of the items on Snooki's cum bucket list is to flip off a bunch of boo-ing Philadelphians while hosting a chicken wing eating contest. CHECK!

The highly-skilled engineers at Heinz have spent many years trying to redesign their 40-year-old ketchup packet to make it easier for hos who like to dip and drive. After trying out unsuccessful prototype after unsuccessful prototype, they finally walked into a McDonald's to soothe their frustrations with a 6-piece Chicken McNugget. The light bulb went off when they glanced down at the sweet & sour dipping pack that has been around for millions of years.

The VP of Heinz said that the new Heinz pack will feature 3 times more ketchup and won't take you 4 hours and 2 sets of teeth to open.

I need to point out two things. First of all, how in the name of government assistance am I supposed to fill my ketchup bottle at home with those things? Heinz is making it hard. Second of all, does this mean that ketchup bombing will slowly be replaced with horsey sauce bombing?

via Consumerist