Led by his favorite pet billy goat, Maddox swept into Miami last night with shades over his eyes and his handy purse handler at his side. Or maybe she's trying to provide more shade for him? I don't know.

Billy Goat Brad and Maddox are in Miami to cheer on the New Orleans Saints at the Super Bowl tonight. No, Billy Goat Brad does not get hard for the Saints because he loves New Orleans so much. Brad is the Saints #1 fangoat, because they're named after him and Angie Jo. Obviously. Duh.

And I won't be watching the Super Bowl tonight, but I will be smoking a super bowl. GONG!

To celebrate her 41st birfday, Jennifer Aniston flew to Los Cabos, Mexico with a bunch of her friends including her favorite shopping partner Gerry Butler, Sheryl Crow, Courtney Cox and David Arquette. You know, because if you're going to weep on the floor of a shower while punching at your womb, you might as well do it in sunny Mexico. NO! Aniston doesn't do that. Homegirl is probably happy that there's not an army of babies there to barf in her margarita (barfarita), do diarrhea in the hot tub or spit on her delicious nachos. Aniston probably toasted to her barren womb! My crazy cat lady cousin made me type that, to be honest.

Here's more of Aniston, Gerry (who is begging for a Q-Tip), Sheryl, Courtney and Court's spine in Los Cabos yesterday. Yes, Court's spine makes my own spine feel inadequate. You seriously could muddle a lime on her spine to make a Mojito. My useless spine can't do that.

Baby Jesus may or may not be waking everybody up in Vadge's house by crying for a bottle in the dead of night. Some say Baby Jesus is back in his manger. And others say Madonna and child are still going strong. The Daily Mail is going with the former, and is saying that Vadge's cooch is already spinning a web around a new prey. According to some hos, Vadge is circling around 24-year-old Spanish model Jon Kortajarena and can't wait to suck the life out of him (through his peen hole). It's a good thing Vadge's snatch knows how to queef "I'll get you my pretty" in Spanish.

Vadge first laid her beady eyes on Jon at the New York premiere party for A Single Man. In the movie, Jon plays a hustler Colin Firth's character meets outside of a liquor store. Dude made my nipples coo when he lit up Colin's fag. I guess he made Vadge's nipples coo (sounds like a duck dying) too, because she wants to make him hers! A source says that at the party Vadge flirted with Jon hardcore, "Jon looked slightly uncomfortable with the attention but was, nonetheless, flattered. She has made some enquiries about him and has found out a bit more about some of his future modeling gigs in a bid to use her influence to his advantage. She is going to invite him to some social events in New York."

Jon shouldn't fight it. I'm sure Vadge has already redecorated the nursery for him and ordered a dozen custom-made "Property of Vadge" onesies in his size. Jon should just lay his nuts on a silver platter and deliver them to Vadge. What Witchy Poo wants, Witchy Poo gets.

And I can't say I blame Vadge. Jon's brows really are a thing of beauty. They look like the perfectly conditioned landing strip of a second tier stripper. I bet they smell like Victoria's Secret body spray, old man sweat and Jergens.

Here's a few modeling pictures of Baby Jesus' replacement:

Just when I was about to make Shadoe Stevens (the tranquilizing voice who gently made sweet love to our drums as the host of American Top 40 in the 80s) Hot Slut of the Day, my eyes landed on this picture of him with his Beverly Cunningham. Sorry Shadoe, your ass will have to wait another day, because I cannot ignore this glamorous creature before me! Beverly is the most ravishing prize in the claw game!

Before Beverly became Mrs. Shadoe, she was an international supermodel (Phoebe Price's chicken cutlets just twitched). Beverly retired from the world of mall fashion shows so that she could focus all her energy on looking as glamorous as possible when escorting Shadoe to events. AND HOW! Now before you tell me that everybody wore tattered pink orphan skirts in the 80s, you should know that the picture above is from 2004! If the door knocker earrings or pink flamingo jacket doesn't make your soul split like Tommy Girl's panties at a male-only Scientology meeting, then her pink teddy bear wearing combat boots will! It might be a drug mule or it might be where she keeps her lip gloss and bottle of White Shoulders.

Every ho going to the Oscars better leave her clutch at home, and pick up a pink teddy bear backpack instead. Beverly Cunningham knows glamour.

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The world needs a Stretch Armstrong movie as much as it needs another Twitter update from Tila Tequila. So of course, Hollywood is going forward with a feature film of the life and times of Stretch Armstrong. And I'm sure Hollywood is also in the back of a strip club putting together a feature film version based on Tila Tequila's Twitter. Bobby Trendy, call your agent!

Coming Soon reports that last night Universal Pictures announced that almost legal (4 days, 9 hours, 30 minutes, 47 seconds) Taylor Lautner will stretch his limbs as the title character. Taylor's parts will spring towards your face, because the movie will be shot in 3D. It will hit theaters sometime in 2012.

This shit already sounds terrible, but it makes sense that they cast Taylor Lautner as Stretch Armstrong since Twitards have been stretching their peens and clits to him for the past year. They leak the same kind of goo too.

And I never had a Stretch Armstrong as a kid, most likely because my mother knew I would do inappropriate things with it on the playground and she didn't want me to get kicked out of another preschool.

(Image via Flickr and Wireimage)

Aaron Carter is really starting to look like a middle-aged recovering junkie who spends his lunch hour jacking off in his '93 Ford F-150 to unsuspecting ladies pumping gas at a BP station in Lakeland, FL. I pretty much swooned at that description. I'm fanning myself as we move on...

Aaron visited some gifting suite at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel in Tampa yesterday to get a massage from Raven-Symone (above) and also collect a bunch of free crap he's going to sell on eBay to make his car note this month.

Among the free shit Aaron took home was something called a WeVibe sex toy. I've never heard of that shit, but it's been around for years and the goddess of sex toys Sue Johanson named it the top fuck toy of 2008. Here's the demonstration video.

I'm not sure about this. The narrator sounds like she should be reading fairytales to children instead of talking about a fuck toy, so that killed the mood. Also, IN THIS ECONOMY couldn't you just re-purpose a pair of rubber salad tongs and use that instead?

Look at that tragic, tortured, frizzled creature. No, I'm not talking about Kate Gosselin herself (this time). I'm pointing and hissing at that thing on her head. The poor possum is still being violated by large pieces of pine straw. The sad part is that Kate got her weave worked on the day these pictures were taken. This is a fresh weave! The damn scarecrow called me on his corn phone and wants Kate to return his pubic bush.

If she's trying to look like David Lee Roth circa 1984 on purpose, then she needs more spandex, more curl, more chest hair and a lot more zest.

Anyways, here's Kate leaving Butter in NYC last night with a friend. Hopefully, she went back to her hotel and soaked that thing in a tub full of butter (Paula Deen just came....whipped butter).

Martini Ranch - Long before Bill Paxton was giving Old Rose the tingles down below (you know he was) in Titanic and passing his Mormon peen around in Big Love, he formed a musical duo with Andrew Todd Rosenthal called Martini Ranch. They were like an 80 proof Hall & Oates with an extra shot of bottom shelf bourbon and a bowl of stale peanuts. Since all great things only last a few seconds, they quit the music business after 1 album.

But in that time, they managed to put out this legendary masterpiece. It's the video for their song "Reach" directed by James Cameron with a cameo by his then-wife Kathryn Bigelow (at the 2:58 mark). This clip has more cinematic fartistry than Avatar and The Hurt Locker combined! Body building saloon sluts! White mariachis! Overuse of sepia! What more could you ask for? This is what Bad Girls should've been like:

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