Selena Kay Letourneau strikes again! - Hollywood Tuna 

So many, "I'd like Charlie Hunnam to Pacific Rim me" jokes, so little time - Lainey Gossip 

Robert Downey Jr.'s old Sketchers ad is making me pucker from places I didn't know I could pucker from - The Berry 

Put on your fishnets and get in a prayer circle for Dr. Frank-N-Furter - HuffPo

"Hey, Kristen Stewart, about how many working brain cells do you have?" - The Superficial 

Helen Flangan's chichis look like two eggs in a nest made of pansies - Drunken Stepfather

January Jones is still not going to tell you who bareback boned a surprised baby into her - Celebitchy

Even Hugh JackMeOff's nipples look ripped - Towleroad

It took me about six eye blinks to realize that this wasn't a knocked up Selena Gomez - Popoholic

If American Idol is going to officially stop giving a shit by bringing back past contestants as judges, they need to bring back Rhonetta - ICYDK

STUNT QUEENS stuntin' like STUNT QUEENS at SNL - IDLYITW

What a gorgeous hemorrhoid with lips - Reality Tea

Elisabeth Moss believes the Hammaconda is real - Jezebel

Amber Heard is thinking to herself, "Hmmm, I know one of these vampire zombies is going to suck the life out of me later, but I'm not sure which one..." - Popsugar

This South Korean model and Daryl Hannah must have the same plastic surgeon - OMG Blog

So if I want a giant peen etched into my car, all I have to do is cut this crazy Florida trick off? Tell me where to find her - The Frisky 

It's a shame One Life to Live isn't on TV anymore, because Snoop Lion would've gotten all the Emmys for this - SOW

This is the closest Tommy Girl will ever get to bare pussy - Just Jared

Stills from the next Planet of the Apes movie confirms that it's going to be the scariest Planet of the Apes movie ever - I'm Not Obsessed

via Break

Oops! Bright and early this morning, the Unicorn Butterfly Empress of the Pink Rainbows, Mimi, was on Good Morning America to promote her new song with Miguel called #Beautiful (I too wish that hash tag was a joke). But the only beautiful thing to come out of her visit was the moment thatn happened during her talk with life-like robot Lara Spencer.

The cries of sequins filled Central Park when Mimi's ten-sizes-too-small Ver-sayce dress popped in the back like a can of Pillsbury Flaky Layers biscuits. The animal hospitals were flooded with lambs who suffered cardiac arrests from almost seeing Mimi's Hello Titty balls in all their glory.

Because Mimi wanted to rack up as many YouTube views as possible, she also dropped a verbal shit bomb before apologizing to Donatella Versace for squeezing her goodies into a dress that doesn't fit her. Mimi should never apologize for being Dyslexic when it comes labels on clothes. We see a size European 34 on the label and Mimi sees, "YOU'LL FIT INTO THIS, DAHLING!" But whatever, even if Mimi's dress popped off. She had it covered. You know she had pasties of Nick Cannon's face covering her nibble knobs.

And here's Mimi singing that #Beautiful song with Miguel:

Gawker says that Mimi's people dubbed her vocals for the West Coast broadcast. The clip from the East Coast broadcast that Gawker has is hilarious. Mimi sounds like a baby hyena trying to coo and scream at the same time. That's what a monkey with laryngitis sounds like when it's being burned alive.

But damn, Mimi's people do not play around.

In case you aren't caught up on the feud of the century, Kendall Jenner, the 17-year-old fame-whore-in-training who Pimp Mama Kris is grooming to be her next highest-earning kash kow, let out a poor little rich girl whine on Twitter the other day when she complained about how hard life is sometimes. I didn't think anything of it really, because if I had to look at Bruce Jenner's face every day and my pimp mom was trying hard to drop the legal porn age from 17 to 18 so she can put me in a "leaked" sex tape, I would probably tweet the same thing. But Kurt and Courtney's kid wasn't have any of it and Frances Bean Cobain let a trick have it. I love it when the most popular girl in school and the most emo-est girl in school go at it.

Was Frances Bean totally overreacting? Yes. Did I laugh at her tweets? Yes.

Kendall Jenner didn't respond to FB right away, probably because she was too busy asking everyone in the Kartrashian lair what the word "famine" means and they were all trying to find out the answer until they eventually gave up and went to buy crotchless thongs at Agent Provocateur instead. Kendall eventually responded to FB. She must've deleted her response, because I couldn't find it on Twitter, but Radar says she wrote this to FB:

“i am aware that i am very privileged and blessed, and im thankful for that everyday, i know there are greater problems in the world. i pray for those people every night and give back as much as i can. so who are u to judge me?”

Yeah, Frances Bean, so why don't you just stop judging Kendall Jenner. Because every night, Kendall Jenner prays that those less fortunate than her get themselves a stupid piece of trash sister who will turn her sex tape partner's piss stream into a multi-million dollar fame whore empire. Then they'll too get to drive around in a Range Rover at the age of 17. So how dare you judge her, Frances Bean. GAWD!

Here's PMK and the walking blueprint for Kendall Jenner's future arriving at LAX yesterday.

To Goopy Paltrow, being at the Met Gala was a lot like being trapped in the wet, hot fart of a poor person who just ate cheap Mexican food. She hated almost every second of it. Well, the feeling might've been mutual. People at the Met Gala hated Goopy being there as much as she did. The National Enquirer says that Goopy wasn't lying when she said she was hot, because apparently her pits were as juicy and moist as a roasted organic quail coming out of her $50,000 La Cornue’s Grand Palais oven. Some source tells The National Enquirer that Goopy's pits don't lie:

“Poor Gwyneth looked picture-perfect, but it must have been the hot lights that caused her to be a little strong on the nose. It was pretty pungent, and I don’t think she had a clue. I saw at least two people wave their hands in front of their noses after passing her.”

One of Goopy's friends said that she doesn't use deodorant, because she read that the aluminum in some deodorants can increase your chances of getting breast cancer. So she uses that crystal rock crap and other stuff instead.

This entire story has almost made me put my bong away for the weekend, because the thought of people plugging their nose while walking by Goopy has taken me up, up, up and away! But the truth is, the middle-class and the bougies just aren't used to smelling the scent of the blue blood royals. Goopy's pit stank probably smells like platinum bullion, Yangtze River dolphin queefs, red diamond dust, slightly seared Kobe beef and a hint of organic Saffron.

Of course the middle-class and bougies wouldn't understand her natural aroma. They just don't have the noses for it. It's kind of like when Goopy let her laundress taste the coagulated jizz balls of white tigers she had imported in from Bengal. Goopy's laundress spit it out and Goopy patted her on the back while saying, "It's okay, it's not your fault you were born with that palate." So Goopy doesn't hate those bitches who said she stank up the room. It's not their fault they were born with the nasal palate of an ordinary peasant.

Here's musty Goopy and Chris Martin leaving some party she threw in London the other night.

When Amanda Bynes Skillrex'd her hair, some people said that at least it's a good thing she didn't go full Britney. Well, she kind of did...

TMZ got a hold of the mug shot that Amanda Bynes took last night after getting arrested for throwing a bong out the window of her 36th floor apartment and being in possession of the good shit. Underneath that used-up, bought-at-a-garage-sale Disney princess wig is some short hair. That mug shot is like "Miley Cyrus as Brandon Teena" meets Faces of Meth.

The Disney princess wig was back on Amanda's head when she was taken into court this morning. Amanda told the judge that the bong she threw out the window was just a vase. (She's not totally off, because a bong is sort of like a vase for beautiful weed buds.) TMZ says that the judge didn't send Amanda immediately to the psych ward and he didn't make her pay $1,000 bail. The prosecutors asked the judge to hold her, but the judge released her back into the wild by herself instead. The judge told her that she will be arrested again if she doesn't show up to her court hearing in July.

THAT JUDGE! What in the hell kind of judge takes a look at that busted down, four cent wig and doesn't immediately send the wig wearer to get some serious help? That wig isn't a cry for help, it's a bawling/wall slide/mute cry for help. Well, hopefully when Amanda got back to her apartment, Daddy Spears was waiting there with a pot full of Velveeta grits and a filled-out 5150 application. If not, you better wear a hard hat and carry a steel umbrella when walking around 47th and 8th, because "vases" are falling from the sky around there.

The triangle that is almost more life-sucking and soul-destroying than the Bermuda Triangle was brought back to life last week when Brad Pitt once again told Esquire that ten years ago he was nothing but a haggard puddle of greasy laziness and dirty bong water (translation: Being with Jennifer Aniston sucked the life out of him). Well, in that same Esquire article, Brad's make-up artist of over 20 years Jean Black says that yeah, Brad Pitt suddenly came to life and started living when he dipped his peen into St. Angie's fountain of life pussy, but that doesn't mean he hated being with Aniston.

"I think Brad was ready to soar when he met Angie. This is not to say anything negative about Jennifer. I was part of that and I know that he and Jennifer are very good friends and he cared deeply for her. But in Angie, he saw a very adventurous person who was grabbing on to life and taking it to its nth degree. It was intriguing because I felt Brad had that in him and wanted to unleash it."

Brad is totally one of those whores who pretty much morphs into who ever he's doing. I knew this girl who would become the perfect girlfriend to the dude she was dating. She dated some dude who was all into Nascar and heavy metal and going "to the lake" (that's what we do in CA, we go to the lake) and so she was suddenly into that shit. This bitch normally listened to boy band and pop shit and suddenly she's getting into Slayer. Then when she dumped that dude, she dated a vegetarian type and became vegetarian. I guess the dick was so good it gave her a personality disorder.

So when Brad was with Jen, he was smoking pot and slurping on tequila worms. Now that he's with St. Angie, he's saving the world and collecting points toward getting sainthood. If he starts dating Amanda Bynes, he'll throw bongs out of windows, dance on the elliptical like there's no tomorrow and buy cast-off wigs at the Nicki Minaj stoop sale.

And yes, it's been five hundred million years and we're still talking about this. We're going to talk about this forever and ever and ever. When we're all on our death beds, the last thing we'll say before taking our final breath will be, "But did Brad ever TRULY love Jen?"

via UsWeekly 

Minutes later, a float of a tough English schoolgirl beat up this float for trying to copycat Taylor Swift. - RandéSleepover

Runners-up:

Does this dress make my pussy look fat? - zocalo1

Having retired his position of City Correspondent at SNL, Stefon quickly found a new way to keep midgets in his life. - BaconSlut

via Cheezburger

The brave bitch Dachshund who is really serious about oral hygiene (and eating steak slime) and the lion who let it slurp the gunk of his teeth.

See, we can all get along! That lion could easily swallow that Dachshund whole and pull its skeleton out with his paw like in the cartoons, but he laid there like a patient patient and let that dentist dog to its job. That Dachshund dentist gets into it too. That dog gets all up in that lion's mouth and isn't letting one piece of meat get away. Just when I think I've seen it all, I see a Dachshund sucking off a lion's tooth.

This might be the closet I'll ever get to seeing a Chantal Biya sex tape.

via Towleroad

Maru (6)
Mark Ballas (27)
Prince Poppycock (35 or 36)
Will Sasso (38)
John C. Reilly (48)
Kristin Scott Thomas (53)
Roseanne Cash (58)
Alfred Molina (60)
Sybil Danning (61)
Jim Broadbent (64)
Priscilla Presley (68)
Patti Labelle (69)
Bob Dylan (72)
Tommy Chong (75)
Patti Labelle (69)