OK Goopy we get it. Your backyard cookout is way, way better and more sophisticated than ours. - citizenstrange

Runners-up:

Chelsea Lately overdoes her sunbathing again and has to be scraped up by her assistants, who never let a good opportunity go to waste. - LaChaylo

Kirstie Alley goes to Hell. - cs182

When John Travolta heard about a piping-hot hole surrounded by wieners, he came running--but left disappointed. - FluffKitteh

Alexis Normand, the Canadian songbird who completely and utterly butchered and gutted the US National Anthem at the 2013 Memorial Cup Game on Saturday. It takes a special kind of Hot Slut to make the Star Spangled Banner sound like it was written by an internet spambot. Girl wasn't even close and the terrified look on her face (like she just shit the bed and rolled in it) says it all. Alexis later apologized and said that she only got a quick minute to learn the song:

“I’m embarrassed and deeply sorry. I wish I’d had more time to learn the American anthem. I was asked (Saturday) morning and I agreed. I’m usually a quick study and I’ve been learning songs for a long time. I had learned all the lyrics, but nerves just got the best of me and I got really nervous and it all unwound from there."

If I had to learn "O Canada!" in one morning, I too would sound like a salad spinner of jumbled words. But girl should've brought flash cards or written the lyrics on her hand with a Sharpie or something! That being said, I hope she sings the Star Spangled Banner (more like the Star Mangled Banner) at every game in the US from now on, because this shit is hilarious.

Cher (67)
Naturi Naughton (29)
Matt Czuchry (36)
Chad Muska (36)
Busta Rhymes (41)
Timothy Olyphant (45)
Dan Abrams (47)
Mindy Cohn (47)
Gina Ravera (47)
Ted Allen (48)
Tony Goldwyn (53)
Bronson Pinchot (54)
Judy Kuhn (55)
Jane Wiedlin (55)
Ron Reagan (55)
Cindy McCain (59)
David Paterson (59)
Dave Thomas (64)
Joe Cocker (69)
Constance Towers (80)

As Baby Brahim and Casper Smart had a toddler slap flight in the backstage daycare area at the Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas, his sugar mami accepted an award for being the top touring act of 2012. Everybody bow downed to the zombie vampire queen as she showed us the finger she uses to pop one of Baby Brahim's stubborn doody bubbles. She's maternal like that. And here's Madge taking off those pretentious cataract sunglasses while accepting her trophy, which looks like Tommy Lee's gilded dick:

Yes, several pairs of fetus ass cheeks were used to make Madge's newest face and she looks like a pimp who has fallen on hard times and had to get an extra job as a morning-shift stripper, but she still looks hotter than Ke$hit (although, that's not hard to do)!

And today's Dumb Bitch of the Day award goes to Miguel for kicking a girl in the head and nearly decapitating another girl at the Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas tonight. It's a good thing those girls didn't die (I think), because there's nothing worse than dying at the Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas by the legs of a cockatoo named Miguel. It's not even the Grammys! And he's not even Prince! Sure, I'd like a face full of Miguel crotch but not if it means I'm going to get my head cut off.

These girls are totally calling Gloria Allred right now and they're going to sue the Cockatoo hair right off of Miguel's head. And if you need to see the video of this attempted murder, here you go:

You dumb, stupid shit, Miguel! Hugging that blond woman is not going to be those girls' heads back on their bodies.

The number one question asked at the Billboard Music Awards tonight was, "Why does it smell like a spoiled chunk of gouda marinating in a dirty diaper on top of a subway platform in the middle of August?" And that's because Ke$hit showed up with her ass hanging out.

The Garbage Pail Kids' favorite pin-up ho actually looks like she was just deflead at the groomers. Yes, that skin-colored lipstick gave her abortion face and her ass cheeks are hanging out (which is a health department violation, I'm sure), but she actually looks clean-ish her. Bitch looks like a male Russian gymnast on estrogen going to a funeral and that IS the look.

And here's some other tricks and tramps at the Billboard Music Awards tonight. In order after Ke$hit: Hell's favorite couple, Hell's second favorite couple, a broke down Harley Quinn, a block of Top Ramen at the ho shit prom, Psy, Justin Bieber's former au pair (wearing a dress accessorized with glow sticks and bendy rubber rollers), Shania Twain, Taylor Swift, an Amish robot and something called a Z LaLa. 

The Billboard Music Awards are happening right now in Las Vegas and I don't even know why  they're bothering with this shit, because every awards show's premiere seat filler Phoebe Price is all the way in Cannes. How can that mess go on without the seat filling heart of every awards show Chicken Cutlets? Well, they found a way to go on and thank the foolery Gods for that, because if they didn't, this Cuban Brazilian flower would've never sashayed onto the blue carpet.

When I look at pictures of Naya, I say the same thing my father says when I call his house, "And you are?" I had no idea who Naya is, but now I do thanks to her flashing her titty balls and delivering an A+++ eyebrow situation.

And I really don't know why she brought a random dog with her. At first I thought that Naya was blind (that would explain her outfit) and that was her seeing eye dog. Then I figured that maybe that's her therapy dog, which would make sense since you have to be sort of crazy to wear an outfit like that when your name isn't Grace Jones. But whatever the case may be, Naya is definitely setting trends, because bringing a random dog to an event with you is officially the new thing to do.

And it's obvious that Naya's dog is as confused about him being there as we are.

Somewhere in Hell, Lucifer is crying out "NOOOOOOO!!!!" while huddled around a space heater with his Snuggie-wearing minions, because the Ninth Circle and all of the other Circles dropped below the freezing mark when the dark orb of darkness in Posh Beckham's chest cracked open during David Beckham's last football home game with Paris Saint-Germain last night. Posh hasn't gotten this emotional since she was knocked up and gained 1/100th of a pound.

While watching her husband's team win, a single tear trickled out of Posh's eye hole and dropped down onto the ground before burning through the cement and falling through all the levels of the stadium. When her tear reached the basement, it burned through the floor, burned through all the layers of the Earth and eventually fell into a fiery pity in Hell, causing the entire underworld to freeze over. And it's all because of this:

I see his teammates came up with an excuse to touch his ass.

Shit, my no-no's shedding a tear too, because Becks retiring means that there will be less pictures of his bulge and nipples. And Becks must be shedding several tears, because now what will be his excuse to visit his side tricks in other cities?

I don't know if this is some HIGH ART shit that belongs in the Whitney Biennial or just shit.

You better lay your best church outfit on the bed before hitting play, because this mess will make you want to run to Sunday mass to cleanse your eyes and ears in the largest vat of holy water. Tan Mom shat out a video for her song, "It's Tan Mom," and it'll scar all of your senses. After watching the entire thing, my eyeballs broke out into a heat rash, I suffered from temporary heat stroke and all I wanted to do was lie naked in a bath tub full of ice cubes and bleach (which is what I'm sure all of the shameless gays in this mess did after the shoot). I just want to smear aloe vera all over my eyeballs, because it burns. This mess of a video is pretty much what the inside of my head looks like after I've been tanning while getting drunk on peach wine coolers all day.

Let me try to say a few nice things about this wreck.... Putting her face in the sun like the Teletubbies baby was a stroke of artistic genius. Kanye wishes he came up with that. And well, at least Tan Mom lip-synchs better than Brit Brit.

via TMZ

Sadly, my dream of Kanye Kardashian naming his next album "Bitch Slapped By A Street Sign" isn't going to come true. Kanye continued to pay tribute to his own God complex by choosing to name his next album Yeezus. You know, Yeezus as in Ye + Jesus. As in this is the reason why Jesus is shaking his head today. Some of Kanye's disciples have been calling him "Yeezus" on Twitter, Facebook and blogs for years, but I guess he decided to make the ridiculous nickname official.

Yes, I know the name "Yeezus" is supposed to make me roll my eyes, but I've always loved it and I think it's pretty fitting. To me, Yeezus sounds like something a lady gets when she has a yeast infection. "Doctor, my pussy can't stop wheezing!" "Oh, that's just a symptom of your yeast infection. Your pussy's got the yeezus!"

The cover of Kanye's album is also pretty fitting. It looks like a pile of dog shit wrapped in a gold condom wrapper on top of a black table covered in jizz splatters. It's perfect!

And in case you missed the best part of last night's SNL, here's Kanye awkwardly throwing side-eyes while everyone around him hugged and gave love to each other at the end of the show.

That's pretty much me at every party I go to.

(GIFs via Yahoo!'s newest adopted child)