I'm typing this from a make-shift raft made out of a door, because all of the Twihards have flooded the world with their tears after finding out that ROBSTEN ARE BROKEN (For now)!!!!!! You'd think that all of the Twihards would've cried out all the water in their bodies when Kristen Stewart did dry butt sex with Rupert Sanders, but I guess they must've replenished their fluids since then, because they are crying like they've never cried before! People (aka Voice of the Publicist Weekly) has announced that RPattz is done with smearing his hobo cheese all over Kristen Stewart's body for now. Just like KStew and RPattz, People's article about this shit is kind of awkward and wishy washy:

As rumors of relationship trouble continue to swirl, a source tells PEOPLE that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have called it quits after more than three years of dating. Reps for the two could not be reached.

But the source says it would not be surprising if the on-and-off-again pair got back together again.

What I'm taking that to mean is that since the final Twatlight movie is already out on DVD, their contract is expired EXPIRED and they might renegotiate..... but she's going to smoke a few bowls (or a few hundred bowls) and think about it. They'll get back together whenever one of them has some shit to promote. But right now, the only thing I care about is Nutty Madam's response to this shit:

Nutty Madam has either exploded and pieces of her are falling all over Britain right now or she's hiding in the bushes in front of RPattz's house and is ready to attack him now that he's single.

Who cares if the name "Elena Lenina" makes your mind go blank the same way White Oprah's does when she tries to think of the name of the youngest Lohan kid. The only thing you need to know about Russian TV personality type Elena Lenina is that she brought the glamour to the Cannes Film Festival premiere of Jimmy P., Psychotherapy of a Plains Indian when she sashayed onto the red carpet with a giant butt plug of hair on top her head. Elena looks like a Martian Girl from Xenu's home planet. If this is Elena's way of trying to become the next Mrs. Tommy Girl, it's totally going to work. The quickest way to Tommy's heart is through his butt.

I am jealous of the lucky ho who got to sit behind Elena Lenina during the movie. Staring at a blond butt plug is totally better than watching some movie. Backdoor Farrah just put out the welcome mat in front of her backdoor for Elena. Just bring your butt plug hair, Elena. Farrah's already got the lube.

And here's some others at tonight's premiere who obviously didn't get the memo that the theme of the night was "sex toy hair." In order after Elena: Jennifer Lawrence, Liam Hemsworth, Cheryl Cole, Jane Fonda, Eva Longoria, Bai Ling and the all-natural Queen of Cannes Chicken Cutlets.

A SANS FARDS Anna Paquin took one of her twins for a walk with a friend in Venice, CA yesterday when they ran into a paparazzo in the wild. When a mama bear comes across a threat in the wild, she sometimes rips out the throat of that threat to protect her young and Anna did the non-violent human version of that by flipping a bitch off. Don't threaten me with a good time, Soooookeh.

When I lived in NYC, I hardly ever used my middle finger when out in the wild. Sometimes my middle finger would come up when a car would almost hit my ass or a crazed biker would almost decapitate my toes with their wheels, but it didn't happen that often. But since I've moved to L.A. and road rage has become my favorite sport, I use my middle finger all the time. Flipping a whore off while perfectly mouthing the words "fuck you, asshole" gives me a quick shot of happiness like nothing else.

And it's a damn shame that Sookeh's covering her kid's face and he can't see her flipping a ho off, because you're never too young to learn that the middle finger is one of the most useful tools in civilization.

Kanye West once again out Kanye'd himself last night by debuting his new song "New Slaves" and visuals for his new song in sixty six spots in several cities across the world. At different times during the night, Kanye's big ass face was projected on a building as he rapped (and sang, ugh) his new song. The video above is from the corner of N.7th and Bedford in Williamsburg, Brooklyn and his face also made appearances in Hollywood, Toronto, Sydney, London, Berlin, Miami, Chicago, Paris, San Francisco and on Kim Kardashian's body. Kanye's website has a map with all the places where this mess played.

I can just imagine sitting on my sofa, eating some caramel cookie ice cream and taking sips of my ghetto sangria (Two-And-Half-Buck Chuck and orange Shasta) while watching Flea Market Flip when Kanye's face and shower singing voice starts haunting my walls. That is a real good reason to call a damn exorcist. How can a trick have a relaxing Friday night when Kanye's singing voice is filling their apartment? When Kanye sings, he sounds like he's getting a prostate exam from a porcupine while Pimp Mama Kris gnaws on his nuts.

On a positive note, Kanye really knows how to dramatically debut a song like a true debutante queen.

via Pitchfork

Cezar, the operatic vampire songbird who will screech out Romania's official song at the Eurovision finals in Sweden tonight.

Shards of broken disco balls, rhinestone-covered swan feathers and pink chandelier crystals are blowing through the air in Europe today, because tonight is the Eurovision finals. Eurovision always shows us what Liberace's gastroenterologist saw during his colonoscopy. It's full of THEATER, DRAMA and tons of fucking sequins.  While I appreciate the Katy Perry-like STUNT QUEEN moves of Finland's entry (she kisses a chick at the end), my favorite finalist so far is Cezar from Romania.

While wearing one of Adam Lambert's housecoats, the castrated vampire nightingale hollered out high-pitched musical notes during Thursday's semi-finals. This is what it sounds like when doves cry:

If all the vampires in Twilight looked and sounded like this, I'd probably be a stage 4 Twihard.

Tina Fey (43)
Spencer Breslin (21)
Ryan Cooley (25)
Matt Long (33)
Jack Johnson (38)
Chantal Kreviazuk (39)
Martika (44)
Sandra (51)
Chow Yun-Fat (58)
George Strait (61)
Terry Zwigoff (64)
Reggie Jackson (67)
Robert Morse (82)

She hates the paps, and she’s been burned by the paps. So now she’s dealing with the paps and is working exclusively with one agency, agreeing to give them photos on a regular basis. The agreement started several months ago when she approached one agency in exchange for information on a paparazzo working for another agency. She wanted names, plates, any details available, presumably in hopes of either legal retribution, if possible, and illegal retribution, if necessary. Very gangster.

The only problem with making this kind of arrangement is that you have to deliver. And if you don’t deliver as often as the paps want, and on the kind of photos that are lucrative, they’ll take what they can get, show up when they’re not supposed to, and that compromises the control she was attempting to secure in the first place. Very Faustian. (Lainey Gossip)

Julia Roberts or Halle Berry? Julia Roberts has definitely unlocked her velociraptor jaw to swallow paparazzos whole, but I'll go with Halle Berry. Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez seem like the kind of bitches who will send their "cousins" over to a pap's house for a little street juice. 

"I love hanging out with ___________ (A list celebrity/athlete who everyone in the world knows) because when he is around I get some great pussy. Really classy stuff, unlike what I usually get from my groupies. He and I have shared a lot over the years." B+ list singer with A list name recognition talking about how he can't wait to see the A list celebrity this weekend. (CDAN)

Yogi Berra and Tom Jones? Or Kobe Bryant and Wheelchair Jimmy? 

This B list male celebrity if you like that kind of performance, and a D if you don't, had a visit recently. Well, actually our celebrity and his live-in B list celebrity with A list name recognition girlfriend had a visitor. It turns out that one of the people that the B/D list celebrity had been cheating with has gotten herself in the family way. It will be very interesting to see if our celebrity couple are seen together at a big event this weekend where he is expected to attend. (CDAN)

The "big event" I'm guessing is the Billboard Musical Awards, so maybe this is about Whiz Khalifa and Amber Rose? Or that dude from fun. and Lena Dunham? 

"Why is that dominatrix ice sculpture blinking?" asked hundreds of party guests at Calvin Klein's Cannes party - Lainey Gossip

Oh how Ryan Seacrest wishes that the OTHER Hough was wearing this outfit instead - Hollywood Tuna

Pictures that have me wondering if I should maybe try to work out this weekend... But wait, fapping while eating a quesadilla at the same time is considered exercise, right? - The Berry  

Like the Kane and Kim are going to even last that long - The Superficial

Those wolf brows make Sofia Vergara look like my Tio Jorge - Drunken Stepfather

The shit Detective La Toya will do for a check - Jezebel

I bet a Madge vs. Goopy cat fight looks like wax-covered two praying mantises playing a super aggressive game of patty cake   - Celebitchy

George Michael got into another car crash and thankfully Snappy Snaps wasn't involved this time around - Towleroad

Edward Furlong must love hanging out with cops - ICYDK

You just can't take the Coachella out of Vanessa Hudgens - Popoholic

BUT IS PHOEBE PRICE OKAY?!!! - HuffPo

Keith Urban doesn't want to let go of the millions of dollars FOX pays him to do nothing - Reality Tea

Rooney Mara looks like the ghost of Ichabond Crane in daytime drag - Popsugar

If only we all had elegant moves like this - OMG Blog

Amanda Bynes is totally going to Photoshop her crotch on Wheelchair Jimmy's face - I'm Not Obsessed

Justin Bieber is still dressing like a rejected extra from House Party 2 - Just Jared

F/M/K time! I'd kill Charles Barkley, fuck The Rock and marry Shaq, because he's the richest - SOW

Finally, an IT couple I can get behind. I mean that both figuratively and literally. Looking like a young in-love couple seeing NYC for the first time, Jason Bateman and Will Arnett held hands while strolling down the sidewalk of love in front of the paparazzi yesterday. I was going to ask which one's the top and which one's the bottom, but they don't get into that. They just spoon and whisper lyrics to Michael Bolton love songs into each other's ears. Will is the big spoon.