Madonna Moved To Portugal To Be A Soccer Mom And Make New Music

No, that’s not a photo your local funeral director lip-synching for her life in a Stevie Nicks lookalike contest down at the Hard Rock Café. It’s just Madge showing that, at nearly 60, she will never pass up an opportunity to channel Morticia Addams in a push-up bra to summon the youthful spirits of Ariana Grande, Nicki Minaj, and whoever else is in her pop star harem to buoy her into top-40 radio. Like Santa, Madonna is always watching, but the gaze has been from afar as of late. Bitch up and moved to Portugal, but it’s not just because she had the hunger for piri piri peen and a new album. She’s a soccer mom and only wants the best for her kids!

Vogue Italia (via E! News) sat down with Madge, and she basically said it’s no coincidence she’s in the home country of Cristiano Ronaldo. But unlike 1993 Madonna, 2003 Madonna, or even last Tuesday Madonna, the Madonna of today isn’t there for her own interests! It’s for her kids! Her son David plays soccer, and she felt the opportunities were best for him abroad:

“I’ve been desperate to get him into the best academies with the best coaches, but the level of football in America is much lower than the rest of the world. I saw his frustration, and I also felt it was a good time.”

Either they translated her calling it “soccer” to “football,” or Madonna is that annoying friend who studies abroad for a month and comes back calling chips “crisps” and the subway “the tube.” Yeah, she’s definitely the latter. It came down to Turin in Italy, Barcelona, and Lisbon, and we all know where her ass ended up. It’s not all fun and games, though, because it sounds like the soccer schedule is all over the place and she still has daughter Mercy James and twins Stella and Esther to worry about:

“It’s impossible to make plans, and then you feel like you’re not being fair to your other kids, or being fair to me!”

Sounds like typical Madge! Although, I’m sure the kids and parents just roll their eyes and let her sing and shimmy to “Lucky Star” at the half-time of each game to throw the ol’ gal a bone. Madge also said she’s writing new music, but I’m really shocked she finds the time! Who can manage to sit around thinking up words that rhyme with “sex” or whatever the new album is about when it’s your day to bring the orange slices and cans of Surge to the sidelines!

Pic: Vogue/Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott