Earlier this year, Anne Hathaway, a name that makes some reach for the bottle, became the Can’t Relate poster mom to parents who let their screaming brats know they’re going to be in the bathroom with diarrhea for a while but are really guzzling down a bottle of pink wine to deal with the madness of being a parent. Anne was on Ellen and told Ellen DeGeneres that a drop of the sweet nectar won’t touch her tongue until her 3-year-old son leaves the house. Anne said that she said goodbye to booze after picking up her son from school while hungover. And now she tells Boston Common magazine that if they gave Oscars for hangovers, she’d definitely win one (after campaigning like hell for it, I’m sure), because her hangovers are like no other and that’s why she’s done with booze for a while.
Anne claims she’s a really fun drunk, but the aftermath fucks with her ability to take care of her kid. No word if she’s turned to weed or Xanax instead.
When asked about it on the The Ellen DeGeneres Show, the media coverage was immediate and plentiful—a reaction that surprised Hathaway. “I didn’t put [a drink] down because my drinking was a problem; I put it down because the way I drink leads me to have hangovers and those were the problem,” says Hathaway, who resides outside New York with her family. “My last hangover lasted for five days. When I’m at a stage in my life where there is enough space for me to have a hangover, I’ll start drinking again, but that won’t be until my kid is out of the house. But, I just want to make this clear: Most people don’t have to do such an extreme thing. I don’t think drinking is bad. It’s just the way I do it—which I personally think is really fun and awesome—is just not the kind of fun and awesome that goes with having a child for me. But this isn’t a moralistic stance.”
FIVE DAYS?! The fuck kind of Leaving Las Vegas binge is Anne Hathaway doing? Did she used to chase her Pamplemousse La Croix and Pinot Grigio spritzer (you know that’s her drink of choice) with coke, Ecstasy, and meth? Or is she confused and booze didn’t give her that hangover, watching that wet turd of a movie she did with Matthew McConaughey did. I’m talking about Serenity. Yes, I paid to watch it. Yes, I was the only one in the theater. Yes, I got a five day hangover from it.
I don’t know, I feel like having a little human around can come in handy when you’ve got a hangover. If you can successfully get them to play the A Quiet Place game (just tell them that a monster will get them if they talk) and train them to fetch you Tylenol and Gatorade, you’ll have yourself an asset on hangover days. That’s one of the only selling points for parenthood I got.