It is a dark day, because we soon may be without a daily dose of Vanilla Ice stealing shit from nearby homes while shooting The Vanilla Ice Project, and the tip-moistening sight of Mr. Clean’s tattooed handy Canadian brother Mike Holmes in overalls (thank GOD he’s also on HGTV). Because Discovery has announced that in the summer of 2020, the DIY Network will be beaten to death with hammers and thrown into a shallow grave before Chip and Joanna Gaines piss on it while cackling about their impending world domination.
The leaders of Magnolia, the biggest cult to ever hit Waco, TX, announced in 2017 that they were leaving HGTV to focus on their family. Family must really mean “bank accounts” in Shiplap, because late last year they announced that they are going to terrorize TV screens 24-hours a day with their own network! The Wrap says that all reruns of Fixer Upper will move to the new unnamed network (which will probably be named the Magnolia Channel), and the Gaines will do a new show along with programming that will touch on community, home, garden, food, wellness and design. They should’ve been more specific about touching on community that isn’t the LGBTQ community, because those two wouldn’t touch a gay with a ten foot distressed wood pole even if that gay was covered in shiplap and was balancing a giant clock on their head.
Here’s what Chip and Joanna had to say for themselves:
“Our intention with this network is to create and curate content that inspires, encourages, and helps to build bridges across our communities. We want honest, authentic programming that brings families together. We believe David Zaslav and the team at Discovery are the perfect partners for this ambitious joint venture, and we know Allison Page is the right person to lead this charge. We’re ready to get started and are expectant for all that’s ahead.”
There’s no word on what will happen to DIY’s current shows like First Time Flippers and Rehab Addict.
Every tiny home in the world probably crumbled into a tiny pile of sadness over this news. I’m sure some of DIY’s current shows will be on the Shiplap Network, but not Holmes on Holmes. That probably sounds too gay for Chip and Joanna Gaines. We all know they’re NO HOMOS, or NO HOLMES-O, in this case.