What The Internet Really Needed: A GOOP-Type Site From A Kardashian

April 3, 2019 / Posted by:

Entertainment Tonight is reporting that hell is upon us AGAIN and of course Hell’s sweethearts are the cause of it. Poosh (which fittingly enough sounds like a grossly cutesy name for a fart): Kourtney Kardashian‘s lifestyle blog which will rot society from the inside out has officially launched.

Kourtney squeezed her ass muscles hard and Pooshed out a huge turd. Poosh is the new lifestyle website created by the least interesting Kardashian to look at, which is meant to fully tip modern society off the cliff of total destruction. No, she doesn’t pitch it that way; she calls it a “destination for modern living,” but modern living just means current lifestyles and you can have a modern lifestyle in an apocalypse; just not a good one.

The name Poosh was chosen because it’s her 6-year-old daughter Penelope’s nickname, which made me think: “You call your child Poosh… lovingly?” But hey, maybe I’m not a nickname typa-bitch, you know? Anyway, Poosh is meant to educate all you lowly non-silicone injected peasants about the fabulous life afforded to the rich and fabulous. It will cover things like: health, wellness, beauty, home, travel, food, ass injections, fat transfer doctors and cool sculpting tips. Okay, I added the last three.

Kourtney let you all know the site was live with an Instagram post:

 

View this post on Instagram

 

We’re live. poosh.com #pooshtheboundaries

A post shared by Kourtney Kardashian (@kourtneykardash) on

In case you’re wondering if Gwyneth Paltrow is shaking in her overly expensive Goop-brand Tibetan monk-blessed, bison-fur house slippers, I think these two are on different sets of fuckery. Gwyneth sells you vaginal eggs which don’t heal you, and highly expensive gold vibrators which only rich trash would even consider mildly useful. Kourtney has tips on “looking good naked” and “how to achieve Beyoncé’s full lips,” (Hint: be a black woman or Juvederm it up Kardashian-style). Not really the same vibe.

Kourt also interviewed her momager, Kris Jenner, asking for “wisdom on leading a boss life,” (Hint: be insanely wealthy).

Kourtney said this about Poosh:

“I decided to launch Poosh because I felt that there was something missing in the healthy lifestyle space… Healthy living gets a bad rap; it’s as though if you care about what you put in — or on — your body, then you’re not sexy or cool. But this just isn’t true, and Poosh is here to prove just that… People are constantly asking me how I do it all, from being a single mom to working full-time to still maintaining a social life… I get endless questions about food, kids, beauty, and fashion, so I decided to create Poosh, a curated experience and a destination for modern living.”

I am so confused by this if this is actually true. Not that Kourtney would create a website to cash in on idiots who need her “advice” or “tips” but that she would really think people wonder how she “does it all”. Money… it’s her money… her family has lots and lots and lots of money. They can do anything. Social life, work life–they could buy a McDonald’s franchise, hire all their friends, and chill at McDonald’s all day as the laziest McDonald’s and still not close because they could make their monthly goals by buying the food themselves and throwing it away after; they don’t even need to eat it! They can do anything they want because of money. You don’t need Poosh to tell you that, sis.

…Well, and also Kris Jenner’s contract with the devil, but I don’t know if Poosh covers that.

Pic: Instagram

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