If you saw that “Gronk” was trending on Twitter yesterday and thought to yourself, “Is that the guy from Emperor’s New Groove? Why is he trending?” I have news for you: That character’s name is Kronk. With a K.
29-year-old Rob Gronkowski announced that he’s retiring from the game of football and apparently people care. TMZ is reporting that my uncle is finally going to read one of my posts on this site because it’s about one of his favorite football players retiring. The New England Patriot tight end (which is also the name of my Grindr profile) announced on Instagram that he is leaving pro football after almost ten years in the sport.
The Gronk started back in 2010 when he was 20 and is ready to hang up his helmet and no longer slam his body into another man’s body and cause irreparable brain damage for millions of dollars:
View this post on Instagram
It all started at 20 years old on stage at the NFL draft when my dream came true, and now here I am about to turn 30 in a few months with a decision I feel is the biggest of my life so far. I will be retiring from the game of football today. I am so grateful for the opportunity that Mr. Kraft and Coach Belichick gave to me when drafting my silliness in 2010. My life experiences over the last 9 years have been amazing both on and off the field. The people I have meet, the relationships I have built, the championships I have been apart of, I just want to thank the whole New England Patriots organization for every opportunity I have been giving and learning the great values of life that I can apply to mine. Thank you to all of Pats Nation around the world for the incredible support since I have been apart of this 1st class organization. Thank you for everyone accepting who I am and the dedication I have put into my work to be the best player I could be. But now its time to move forward and move forward with a big smile knowing that the New England Patriots Organization, Pats Nation, and all my fans will be truly a big part of my heart for rest of my life. It was truly an incredible honor to play for such a great established organization and able to come in to continue and contribute to keep building success. To all my current and past teammates, thank you for making each team every year special to be apart of. I will truly miss you guys. Cheers to all who have been part of this journey, cheers to the past for the incredible memories, and a HUGE cheers to the uncertain of whats next.
Looks like straight guys are going to be having a really rough Monday this week.
Gronk was sure to thank his fans and his team and also his boss Robert Kraft for introducing him to all those prostitutes. I’m kidding!
Head Bitch of the New England Patriots, Tom Brady, wasn’t going to let Gronk get all the attention, so he also put up an Instagram post thanking Gronk for his service to the team:
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What an honor and privilege to play with you these past nine years @gronk! You accomplished so much and our team was almost unbeatable when you were on the field! Your fun-loving, inspiring, and positive energy made an impact on everybody you came into contact with! Not just that, but for as great as a player you are, you are a better teammate and person. The NFL was a better place with you in it! But I have no doubt you will be a success in anything you do!!! Love you pal!
And now Gronk will go on to do his thing. AKA: collect checks from endorsements and do nothing even remotely close to being considered work, except for showing up as a celebrity cameo in bro-related television series. Or maybe he’ll just focus on his true passion (partying it up bro-style) and make his Gronk’s Party Ship a yearly thing… at least until it gets overrun by hard-partying pirates.