Night Crumbs

Now you know why the streets of Los Angeles were hit with a giant tsunami yesterday. Jessica Simpson’s water broke and she finally gave birth to  her third child, a girl who weighed in at 10 pounds and 13 ounces. Jessica and her husband named their daughter Birdie Mae Johnson. Birdie Mae Johnson may sound like the name of an old-timey first lady of a southern state, but it sounds like something else to me. Since “bird” is slang for giving the middle finger and we all know what Johnson is slang for, Birdie Johnson sounds like a really polite way to say, “Fuck you, dick!”, which is probably what Jessica rage screamed at her man while giving birth to a nearly 11 pound baby – SOW

Duchess Meghan may have stepped away from maternity leave for a minute to pay her respects to the victims of the New Zealand terrorist attack – Lainey Gossip

I’m shaking my head at Netflix for missing out on an opportunity to partner with Hot Dog on a Stick by having Steve and Uma Thurman’s daughter work there in season 3 of Stranger Things – Towleroad

I’m also shaking my head at People for robbing Aunt Becky (like the way she robbed worthy USC applicants) of a cover by featuring the eye-roll-worthy love Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard instead – Celebitchy

“Strange things are afoot at Denny’s during the early bird special” – Alex Winter and ageless vampire Keanu Reeves in the third Bill & Ted movie, which is definitely happening – Just Jared

Contact drunk: what I got from looking at this picture – Popoholic

Lizzy Caplan IS Annie Wilkes in season 2 of Castle Rock – Pajiba

Pic: Instagram