As if losing an hour of sleep for daylight savings time wasn’t the most INSUFFERABLE thing about this day already, Saturday Night Live just went and made the weekend worse with their GOOP parody on Weekend Update. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that they brought Gwyneth Paltrow on as a surprise guest to make fun of her to her face yet failed by pulling back on all of their punches, or that they failed to offer a mock PSA on the benefits of steaming one’s vagina while simultaneously boiling water for making organic zucchini spaghetti. Major missed opportunity.
GOOP held some kind of wellness summit in New York over the weekend with tickets costing $1,000 each. SNL jumped at the opportunity to have Gwynnie on the show while she was in town. Lorne Michaels is probably addicted to GOOP’s $125 (that’s for the few drops that 1.7oz gives you) skin mask and can’t afford to piss off the real life Lisele Von Rhuman (with apologies to Isabella Rossellini) that is Gwynnie lest his face cream supply get cut, so he invited her on.
Heidi Gardner played Baskin Johns (They’re wrong for dragging Baskin Robbins into this!), a special guest on the segment and lowly GOOP employee. As Baskin-Robbins Johns is struggling to explain what the ashwagandha ingredient in one of their products is (SPOILER ALERT: it’s an Ayurvedic herb meaning “the smell of a horse” that chills you the fuck out. No joke), her Manager Fifer James, played by Gwynnie, explains some of the ingredients in their products without knowing what the shit she is talking about. So not much of a stretch.
The skit ends with them saying that ashwagandha is from Wakanda. The joke is a mess since ashwagandha is a Sanskrit word and Wakanda (for those who join me in never having seen Black Panther – sorry, I live under a rock) is a mythological land located in East Africa.
This making fun of GOOP (but not really) skit would have been much funnier if they had made a fake PSA a la “Mom Jeans” with Gwynnie splayed out luxuriously on an 8,000,000-thread-count organic Egyptian cotton sheet as she steams her vagina and tries to bullshit her way into explaining why it’s beneficial. The climax would occur when she follows the steaming by inserting that infamous jade egg, that probably makes her vag pucker a little in fear every time she whips it out. Then she tries to stand with the egg inside her without wiping that smug expression off of her face but instead has a complete breakdown when she can’t do it and confesses that all the shit GOOP sells is 100% fake while her face slowly melts away to reveal a million wrinkles and sun spots.