Fully realizing that rattlesnakes must fulfill some sort of role in nature by virtue of their existence, let’s also add that they suck. They seem like they’re always ill-tempered and they bite and kill people as well as gruesomely swallowing innocent critters whole. Take this amazing footage brought to us by Huffpost.
Back in October, X Factor UK judge Sharon Osbourne exited her job with a delicate Facebook post explaining that she thought the show was in good hands and they’d be fine without her. It was interesting timing seeing as shortly before her announcement, she referred to the show as “fucking karaoke” and the contestants as “little shits” in a Howard Stern interview. Well, Sharon’s now saying she didn’t quit – she was fired. She’s also claiming that X Factor UK producer and hirsute heartthrob Simon Cowell axed her because she’s too old to be judging fucking karaoke sung by little shits.
The A Quiet Place squeakuel – oops, sorry, that’s a different horror franchise called Alvin and the Chipmunks– I mean sequel, was announced over a year ago approximately 5 minutes after the original was released. You might think that’s TOO SOON, but the first movie brought in $340 million worldwide on just a $17 million production budget. With odds like that I’m surprised they haven’t yet announced A Quiet Place 15: Electric Boogaloo Reprise Again. The sequel is scheduled to be out on May 15, 2020 and casting is moving along with sinister Irish hottie Cillian Murphy as the sequel’s undoubtably creepy lead.
Because I’m a yokel from the suburbs of Boston, I was dead chuffed when I was drinking at The Beverly Hills Hotel one afternoon and Courteney Cox, Rachel Zoe, and that guy from Fear The Walking Dead were all wandering around. Monica Geller-Bing read a bar appetizer menu two stools over from me! As pathetic as that sounds, now I wish I hadn’t. Because the Sultan of Brunei owns the hotel, Brunei has recently ok’d punishing homosexual behavior by stoning the “guilty” to death, and George Clooney is now leading a boycott against all of the luxury hotels owned by the Sultan. George Clooney is totally running for president one day and “leading a boycott against a gay-hating Sultan” is a great thing to have on your resume when you want to be the future bleeding heart liberal POTUS. Well, that and “Nespresso machines for all!!!”
The Jussie Smollett case is one of the more confusing controversies in American history since the outcome of the 2016 presidential election. It’s like – wait, he didn’t do it…no, he did…they were in whiteface…but I thought…nevermind. Chris Rock, who recently had an interesting race-based situation of his own co-starring his beyond sketchy friend Louis CK come to light, chose to cut through the confusion with some mockery. Chris Rock introduced the award for “Outstanding Comedy Series” at last night’s NAACP Image Awards by taking some shots at Jussie, who was nominated for Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series but didn’t show up.
Robert Smith isn’t today’s HSOTD because he’s the lead singer of the Cure, or because he decided early on he’s not responsible enough to raise a human child, or because he let us know that boys aren’t born with tear ducts, or because his voice woke up the Emo in all of us, or because he’s the God of every goth cholita, or because he currently works “crazy cat lady at a funeral” glamour like no other. Robert Smith is today’s HSOTD because of the very on-brand interview he gave to a sequins-slathered lightning bolt of PEPPY! If you were or are an angsty high school goth and have found yourself trying to have a conversation with the most popular girl in school who is filled to the top with boiling perkiness and excitement, you will relate.