Peeps are right up there with generic jelly beans, black licorice (don’t @ me), Hydrox cookies, and the wrong kind of candy corn on the list of the World’s Most Useless Candies. It’s no wonder they’ve spent the last decade or so trying to reinvent themselves. And yes, I do ardently believe Peeps to be sentient creatures in control of their own destinies. It’s hard out there for holiday specific candy, that’s probably why we’ve seen Peeps flavored beer, Peeps flavored Oreos, and Peeps flavored milk. Sadly, what the Peeps don’t seem to realize is that nobody actually likes Peeps flavor, which can accurately be described as Sweet-N-Stale.
Sure Peeps are cute to look at, and take up plenty of space when you’re trying to put together an Easter basket on the cheap, but as a food stuff they are objectively terrible. So maybe, just maybe, the Peep scientists, in their sweet little lab coats, have finally come up with a solution: Putting better tasting stuff in the Peeps instead of putting the Peeps in better tasting stuff.
Peeps have just introduced themselves in a wide variety of new flavors which include Root Beer Float, Blue Raspberry, Chick-Fil-A, Pancakes & Syrup, Chicken & Waffles, Cotton Candy, and Kentucky Fried Chicken Fire Log.
I made a few of those up. I think you probably know which ones, but I’ll save you the uncertainty. According to The Takeout:
New nationally available flavors include:
- Peeps Pancakes & Syrup
- Peeps Cotton Candy
- Peeps Delights Orange Sherbet Flavored Marshmallow Chicks Dipped in Crème-Flavored Fudge
New retailer-specific flavors include:
- Peeps Root Beer Float Marshmallow Chicks (only at Kroger)
- Peeps Delights Vanilla Crème Flavored Marshmallow Chicks (only at Target)
- Peeps Filled Delights Chocolate Caramel Swirl Flavored Marshmallow Chicks (only at Target)
- Peeps Blue Raspberry Flavored Marshmallow Chicks (only at Walmart)
Imagine the board meeting at Just Born Quality Confections where all the traditional Peeps got together to decide on the grim fate of their offspring. Do you know what they have to do to the baby chicks to turn their guts into a Chocolate Caramel Swirl? It won’t be long now until PETA turns it’s attention away from the monsters at the Animal Crackers factory, and sets their sights on the sinister Island Of Dr. Moreau goings on at Just Born HQ.