I’m starting to think that Miranda Lambert‘s New Year’s resolutions read like a list of random acts like:
1) Beat a bitch with some lettuce.
2) Marry someone you barely know.
3) Call the divorce lawyer on St. Patrick’s Day after bar hopping.
If this is what her list looks like then she’s truly living her best life for sticking to her resolutions. However, many were confused when she popped up with the news that she married a dude named Brendan McLoughlin over the weekend, and wondered where did he come from. It all started on November 2 when Miranda, along with her Pistol Annies band mates Ashley Monroe and Angaleena Presley performed in New York during Good Morning America in Times Square. While they were busy singing for their supper onstage, Brendan, an NYPD officer, was in the crowd trying to keep fans away from the stage. That’s probably a good idea since Miranda tends to like altercations with people screaming in her face, even though these would have been people cheering her on rather than inviting her to another fight.
People reports that Brendan, who works for the South Midtown Precinct which includes Times Square, met Miranda after she and the Pistol Annies performed, and as soon as she and Brendan locked eyes Miranda probably said to herself “Now I’m ready to change my name to YOURS daddy!” And I know many people find Brendan hot, but all I see is a basic economy Tom Brady, which is fine if you’re into that. And apparently Miranda is… even though he had a kid three days after they met.
According to Radar, Brendan posted to his Instagram after his new son was born then immediately took the post down because Miranda probably said “You belong to me now. Say goodbye to your son and hello to your new life as my bitch”
On November 5, Mcloughlin posted a now-deleted photo of himself holding his newborn son. The caption read: “Blessed to have a healthy son. Welcome my boy, Landon James McLoughlin 11/5/18.”
I’m not sure if helping raise some other chick’s kid was on Messy Miranda’s New Year’s to-do-list but I’m sure she’ll be a great stepmother. Well, no she won’t because this shit will last for about three more minutes before Miranda is ready to move onto the next adventure. And by adventure I mean the next hit song she’ll write about completely destroying Brendan’s life before accepting a ton of Grammys born from his pain.