Hot Slut Of The Day!

February 9, 2019 / Posted by:

Aretha Cardinal, the badass grandma who fought off clown-mask-wearing, machete-wielding wannabe robbers with a scooter!

I don’t know if those are Jesus fish earrings that today’s HSOTD is wearing, but I do know that she made some robbers scream for Jesus by hitting them with a flaming hot dollop of Not. The. One. The story about my current favorite vigilantes takes place in Texas City, TX and happened early in the morning on February 1. Aretha and her husband Joseph Nelson were sitting in their truck, which was parked in the driveway of their house, when two morons made the wrong decision of trying to fuck with them.

Aretha tells Fox26 that the amateur thieves ran up on her and Joseph while wearing clown masks and holding machetes. Aretha and Joseph nearly laughed themselves out of their bodies over that hilarious sight, but if they did that, the thieves might’ve been able to snatch their money and they weren’t about to let that happen. They fought back and issued a CITIZEN’S ARREST!

“My husband looked at them and looked at me like, ‘Naw man, I can’t believe y’all trying to rob me with a machete.’ It was really scary, but like I said, it was either us or them. And not us. You’re not going to steal no money. We ain’t got no money! Me and my husband held them down and commence to beating them until the laws came.”

I can barely beat off a dick (“I know” – every past Grindr trick of mine), but if I ever beat a robber and end up on the local news for it, I’m going to say that I commenced to beating them until the laws came, because that is a line that needs to live on and on.

Joseph punched one of the robbers, grabbed the machete, and chased him down. Aretha tells KTRK that she grabbed her granddaughter’s scooter, which was in the driveway, broke it in half and used it to hit them and break their car window. The police showed up and arrested the failed clown robbers. Aretha says that she feels safer knowing they’re in jail and can’t rob anybody else for now.

Send Aretha Cardinal to Derry, Maine, because she’d make Pennywise cry to his mommy for once and for all. And I have a feeling that those sad clown robbers of Texas City haven’t seen the last of Aretha. She made them break her granddaughter’s scooter, so she’s going to track them down and commence to beating them until they give her money for a new one.

Pic: KTRK

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