Open Post: Hosted By An Australian Zoo’s “Name A Snake After Your Ex” Competition

February 5, 2019 / Posted by:

Why do I feel like the Wildlife Sydney Zoo is about to get a huge donation from Kim Kardashian…or Taylor Swift just so she can annoyingly “reclaim the narrative.” The Australian zoo just got a brown snake, one of the world’s most venomous slithery things that isn’t named Pimp Mama Kris, and rather than just name it Kris, they’re looking to make some money and give us petty hos an opportunity to petty up the animal kingdom.

All you have to do is fork over a $1 donation to the Wildlife Conservation Fund, tell them what exactly it is that your old piece did to ruin the relationship, and you have a chance of them handing over the naming rights to their hissing new baby. While I’d love nothing more than a slithering Taylor to be greeting visitors Down Under, I feel like the winner is going to be named something stupid like Fred because someone’s ex named Fred slept with, like, her sister on their wedding day before trying to French kiss their mother. SNOOZE! Don’t fret, snake un-charmers. A London wildlife reserve last week started their own competition to name a cockroach after an ex, and proceeds will go to fund future zoo projects. That’s fine and all, but cockroaches are tough-ass bitches and are the only thing apart from Cher that can survive nuclear winter. Thinking of my ex living out the apocalypse singing “Believe” is worse than the damn breakup!

Pic: Pixabay

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