Patron Saint of Yoga And Menopause, Gwyneth Paltrow, is in trouble with the law again. But not for selling overpriced and under-useful vagina eggs. Goopy found another upper-class way to get in trouble with the law: a skiing accident. Yes, while us peasants are out here getting into car accidents, Queen of the Universe and Eleganza Gwyneth is out here allegedly colliding on the ski slopes.
People is reporting that Dr. Terry Sanderson is suing Goopy for a ski accident which he says happened at the Deer Valley Resort in Park City, Utah in February 2016. He claims that Goopy was “skiing out of control” and smashed into him.
“A hit-and-run ski crash” is how he describes it, making Gwyneth sound like an overprivileged version of Grand Theft Auto. He says she “skied out of control” colliding with him from the back and then she “got up, turned and skied away, leaving Sanderson stunned, lying in the snow, seriously injured.” The lawsuit alleges:
“Gwyneth Paltrow knew it was wrong to slam into Dr. Sanderson’s back, knocking him down, landing on top of him, knocking him out and then leave the scene of the ski crash she caused, but she did it anyway.”
Dr. Sanderson is asking Gwyneth for $3.1 million for a bunch of stuff including “permanent traumatic brain injury,” pain and suffering, loss of enjoyment of life, four broken ribs, some good old-fashioned emotional distress and last but not least, disfigurement. Um, okay, but has Dr. Sanderson tried healing his woes with cupping and $55,000 luxury meditation retreats to Tibet.
Dr. Sanderson is also claiming that the Deer Valley Resort is conspiring in a cover-up, and a ski instructor, Eric Christiansen who was with Goopy, filed a report full of lies saying that she did not cause the crash. Eric, the resort itself and two other unnamed employees are also being sued. Deer Valley had no comment.
Gwyneth’s reps had a comment though, telling People: “This lawsuit is completely without merit. Anyone who reads the facts will realize that.”
At a press conference on Tuesday (I guess suing a rich person is a press conference-worthy event?) Dr. Sanderson laid it on thick saying, “I remember feeling very sore, and my brain felt like novocaine, I felt really numb.” Are you sure you weren’t just watching Country Strong?
I think you’ve got this all wrong Dr. Sanderson. Gwyneth wasn’t “crashing into you”, she was practicing her new Goop body massage. It’s called Ski Slam. You slam into people on the ski slopes and your bodies both heal into stronger forms of themselves thanks to the chakras she had plugged up her ass when she hit you. Easy mistake, it’s hard for us peasants to recognize how helpful Gwyneth can be.