The next time you’re driving along and spot a poor dead raccoon on the side of the road, you can no longer assume that Sea Org minions from Scientology will soon be by to scoop the creature up and give it a new home on top of John Travolta’s head. Because John Travolta made a devastating announcement that knocked the lace front right off of my dome. John says that he’s embracing his new bald head, which means he’s done with lace fronts for now, which means two sad things are happening: 1. His skinned-dog wigs are now all lonely in his wig closet. 2. The Thetans on top of his head are screaming for a parka because they’re cold as wet shit.
Earlier this month, John Travolta posted a picture on Instagram of himself from New Year’s Eve without a Lhasa Apso’s ass clinging to the top of his head. He looked like a cross between Abuelo Pitbull and a constipated Lex Luthor. He’s left the house without his hair on before, so I just figured it was a phase and he’d reunite with his soulmate, a lace front, in no time. But at the G’Day USA Black Tie Gala in L.A. on Saturday night, John Travolta once again went wigless:
Now that I look at bald Travolta, he kind of looks like an extra hairy penis. So I bet Kelly Preston hates his bald head too, because every time he gets ready for something, she has to barge into his bathroom and say, “John, stop licking the mirror. We’re late!”
You’d think that John would feel naked, confused, and vulnerable without his skull armor of dead animal hair, but he told People that he’s gotten so much love for his bald daddy look that he may keep it for longer than a minute. NOOOOoooOOOOOO!
“[It] feels great. Listen, my new look came on a whim. It was a New Year’s Eve idea. Because everyone liked it so much, I decided to keep it for a while. So, we’ll see.”
I can hear you wig-hating bitches mouth farting about how he looks so much better bald, blah blah blah. You’re wrong, and not only are you wrong, but this is shitty news. Not only is the lace front industry going to suffer and have to lay wig makers off, but now the sanitation department has to pick up roadkill again since Travolta isn’t going to send his minions out to collect dead animals for his wigs. And things will be a lot less boring in the Scientology Celebrity Centre bathhouse now. The bathhouse boys used to entertain themselves by pulling Travolta’s mop off before flushing it down the toilet like in Valley of the Dolls. No more of that. The joy that brought them…