Baby showers have always seemed like a dull concept to me ever since the most radical thing Miranda had at hers on Sex And The City was fried chicken and a diaper tree (eh, I guess the two go hand-in-hand). However, if you remotely know anyone with a working social media account, you couldn’t escape Andy Cohen’s baby shower over the weekend, hosted by OG Real Housewives NeNe Leakes, Vicki Gunvalson, Kyle Richards, Ramona Singer, and Teresa Giudice. Well, by host, that means those five all gave speeches at Beverly Hills outpost of The Palm, owned by Andy’s friend Bruce Bozzi. Alas, this day was not about Andy’s soon-to-arrive baby boy (I don’t think I saw much reference to children). This was about middle-aged women tossing back Chardonnay and Vicodin cocktails, dancing on tables (this is The Palm! Not Coyote Ugly!), and dropping f-bombs and acid…all on camera, of course.
TMZ says the soiree took place Saturday night, and the hosts were all overshadowed by Lisa Rinna, a woman I already respect for somehow cashing checks from Melrose Place, Days Of Our Lives, QVC, AND adult diapers…and this bitch is still going! And going she is. We never really saw any of the baby gifts Andy got because most of us were too busy straining our eyes to see which housewives and non-housewives made surprise appearances (Phaedra Parks! Danielle Staub! John Mayer!) and which ones were no-shows (Bethenny Frankel! Lisa Vanderpump! Ex-Countess LuAnn de Lesseps!).
I really want to know who went home with John. I would normally have said Danielle, but she’s got Al B. Sure’s peen to keep her busy. Lisa was the baby shower’s self-anointed hype woman who was jeering, “YOU FUCKERS!!!! DANCE LIKE YOUR LIFE FUCKING DEPENDED ON IT! RIGHT, ANDY?? YOU FUCKING GET IT!” The women obliged and sloppily danced on tables, and Lisa is either getting a fat raise for the next season of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills or will not be allowed within 100 feet of Andy, per court order. Sonja Morgan really owes Lisa a 300-page thank you note for creating an environment where Sonja was honestly the most rational person under the roof:
The theme for the night was A Star Is Born, and Lady Gaga better hope Bravo doesn’t air this footage in a movie theater and submit it to the Motion Picture Academy because some of the performances put in by the housewives menagerie make Gaga and Glenn Close look like aspiring community theater actresses from Muncie. Lisa’s Saturday Night Fever satin number will no doubt sell out later tonight when she hawks it on her weekly QVC appearance. Kyle waved her ponytail and did the splits because that’s the only way she knows how to garner attention apart from stirring shit with Lisa V. or name-dropping Paris Hilton (no shade! Facts are facts!), and NeNe brought Phaedra because I’m pretty sure the whole Atlanta cast is having buyer’s remorse on siding with Kandi Burruss and her zzzzzzzzzzzz plotlines. There were a lot of other women there, too, but I couldn’t tell who they were through all the shrieking. It appears Kyle couldn’t either:
— BRAVOpinions (@BRAVOpinions_) January 26, 2019
I’m not really sure what those women were eating and drinking, but it HAD to have been more than the Chinese chicken and lobster salad, filet mignon, and polenta cakes TMZ is blabbing about. Seems like Rinna revived her Ziploc bag of fun, er, pills for the special day. Ah, well. It sounds like she feels like the rest of us tricks do on a day that ends in –y:
I need a Cheeseburger 🍔 some Advil and a Choc Peanut butter Xanax Smoothie. STAT.
— lisa rinna (@lisarinna) January 27, 2019