E.L. James Is Back With A New Book Called “The Mister”

January 24, 2019 / Posted by:

Are you ready to meet the roguish, rich, and charming Maxim Trevelyan? He’s got a pulsating mega-boner and it’s just waiting for you to pick it up… in the form of E.L. James’ upcoming novel called The Mister. Mister? I hardly know her! Guys, I wish I was making this shit up but I’m not. It’s 100% actually what the author of the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy has been working on for a minimum of two weeks.

Look, it doesn’t take a literary genius to write a book, but it does take a whatever the opposite of that is to write lines like this (via Entertainment Weekly):

“He’s stretched across the length of the bed, tangled in his duvet but naked . . . very naked. His face is turned toward her but covered by unkempt brown hair.”

Very naked? Did he take his dentures out too? The her(?) in this case is Alessia Demachi: “Enigmatic Woman. Of the plot, all that E.L. will reveal is that “it’s about an aristocratic English man who meets a young women. It’s a 21st century Cinderella” with, presumably, lots of vanilla fucking. And I don’t mean anything interesting like Maxim sticks his dick in a vanilla flavored pudding cup, nuts, hands it to Alessia, and has her feed it to him with her feet while Faison, his manservant/sex dwarf, braids his unkempt brown hair into cornrows as his own feet explore Alessia’s nether regions. God, that was so easy! WHERE’S MY BOOK DEAL?

The book is due to hit your aunt Maureen’s shelf on April 19.

I don’t know about you but I’m ready to start dreamcasting the eventual movie of this “roller-coaster ride of danger and desire that leaves the reader breathless to the very last page” right now. All roles should be played by Tom Hardy. Period. Including Faison the manservant/sex dwarf. I know it’s problematic to have a white man of average height playing a Dominican dwarf but I don’t care. It’s the only way I’ll have anything at all to do with this mess.

Pic: Arrow Publishing

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