Important Question: Would You Suck Dick So That Bottles Of Evian Could Be Delivered To Your Shady Boss’ Musical Festival?

January 21, 2019 / Posted by:

Move over, Fiji Water Girl. Here cums Evian Dick Sucker!

As Mieka and C.J. have written about on this blog, Netflix and Hulu put out dueling documentaries on the flaming pile of millennial shit known as the Fyre Festival. Both docs show how imprisoned scammer Billy McFarland got way over his douche head and conned Bahamian locals, influencers, investors, and millennials with a musical festival that was supposed to be island luxury wrapped in hipster decadence, but turned out to be as luxurious as a dried-up cheese sandwich. Both docs are also getting shit on themselves, because Hulu paid Billy for his interview, and the Netflix one is produced by Jerry Media who helped promote Fyre Festival. With that being said, I’m sure that Netflix smugly declared that they won the Fyre Festival doc game when they saw footage of event producer Andy King admitting that he nearly sucked customs official dick for bottles of Evian. As someone who has been on a dick sucking date and only got tap water in a Denny’s mug, I’m looking at Andy like, “Oh you fancy huh?

During Netflix’s Fyre, the festival’s event director Andy King tells the fucked-up tale on what he was asked to do to save the already-in-the-shit-can festival. Andy says that weeks before the festival, custom officials in the Bahamas let Billy and the team know that they had to pay $170,000 for the release of trucks filled with Evain water, which would be the only drinkable water on the entire island. Since Billy’s mind operates on one channel, the channel being, “Scam a bitch!“, you’d think he’d just serve ocean water to Fyre festival goers and tell them it was Evian. But instead, Billy decided to whore out one of his employees and asked the gay guy on the team (Why did he have to be the gay guy?), who was a seasoned event planner, to suck the dick of the head of customs. And Andy was going to do it.

“Billy called and said, ‘Andy we need you to take one big thing for the team.’ And I said, ‘Oh my gosh, I’ve been taking something for the team everyday.’ And he said, ‘Well, you’re our wonderful gay leader and we need you to go down, will you suck dick to fix this water problem?’ And I said, ‘Billy, what?!’ And he said, ‘Andy, if you go down and suck Cunningham’s dick, who is the head of customs, and get him to clear all of the containers with water, you will save this festival.’

And I literally drove home, took a shower, I drank some mouthwash, and I got into my car to drive across the island to take one for the team. And I got to his office, fully prepared to suck his dick.”

“One big thing..” How the hell did Pimp Billy know how big Cunningham’s dick is? The other question that hit my brain is why did Andy take a shower and clean his mouth? It wasn’t a romantic date! Did Andy think that Cunningham was going to review his dick-sucking skills on Yelp, and he didn’t want to get docked one star for not smelling minty fresh in the mouth?

Billy was probably just messing with Andy’s emotions for evil manipulative fun, because when he got to Cunningham’s office, Cunningham didn’t whip that dick out. He just told Andy that he was releasing the water and wanted to be the first one paid when the money came in. Andy laughs about it now, and at the beginning, he mumbles that he doesn’t think the story is going to go very far. Oh yeah, it didn’t go far at all…

I asked myself what I would do, and Googled to see what this Cunningham looks like before reminding myself that I’m a level one slut with no standards, so yes I’d do it. But I’d do it for fun, and not for my asshole boss and his shitty festival.

And really, we know that Billy McFarland is a douche rash of a grifter, but now we really know that he was an awful boss too. Because any good boss wouldn’t ask an employee to do that. He’d grab the knee pads, hit his throat with some numbing spray, and suck that dick until Cunningham screamed, “I’m cumming, man”, and handed him a bottle of released imported Evian to wash down that “stamp of approval” he swallowed.

Pic: Netflix

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