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January 21, 2019 / Posted by:

Wally, the emotional support alligator!

One Pennsylvania man (no, I didn’t mean to type “Florida man” even though this feels like some news straight out of The Fuckery State) saw your emotional support peacock and emotional support pig, and raised you an emotional support alligator. Now, if I was sitting next to a bead-eyed, scaly creature with terrifying teeth and it wasn’t Karl Lagerfeld, I’d be wishing I had an emotional support tiger to protect me emotionally and physically in case that gator snapped. (If I was sitting next to a bead-eyed, scaly creature with terrifying teeth and it was Karl Lagerfeld, I’d be wishing I had some holy water and a crucifix to protect me from the Death Eaters’ scariest member.) But a man named Joie Henney, whose emotions are being protected by a gator, tells Penn Live that his emotional support alligator Wally is just like a dog. Why am I now picturing Wally licking his own scaly b-hole and rubbing his lipstick all over Joie’s leg while humping that shit?

If it wasn’t for Joie, Wally’s soul would be in the swamps of heaven and his body would be carried in purse form by the wife of an evil developer. Because Joie says that he rescued Wally from a patch of land in Florida where developers were killing gators to make way for condos. Joie brought a 1-year-old Wally into his home in 2015, and it took him a minute to domesticate the gator. 4-and-a-half-foot-long Wally now mostly hangs out in a 300-gallon pond in the middle of Joie’s living room with another pet gator, 2-year-old Scrappy. Wally loves watching TV and his favorite movie is The Lion King. And when he’s not hoping that alligators take down Simba (watch the sequel, Wally), he’s visiting schools and senior centers to educate people on humans evicting gators from their own habitats.

Joie says that he knows owning gators isn’t for everyone, but that Wally has never tried to bite at a human before.

“Wally’s never bitten me,” Joie said, “and he’s never tried to bite anyone. He’s pretty laid back.”

“They aren’t for everyone,” Joie said. “But what can I say. I’m not normal.”

Wally recently slithered into the Glatfelter Community Center near York, PA, and some of the memaws and pepaws there got to pet him and hold him. One of the memaws must pray for the Grim Reaper to take her into his arms every night, because she said in front of Wally that she had gator before and it tasted like chicken!

The bad thing about having a gator as an emotional support animal is that there’s a chance they’re working for their overlords, the raccoons, and are gaining the trust of humans so that they can strike at us when we least expect it. But the very good thing about having a gator as an emotional support animal is that when you walk into a crowded Chipotle, all of the bitches will scatter in fear, and you’ll be able to easily sashay up to the front of the line.

Pic: York Daily Record

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