When a Twitter user leaked a potential lineup for the upcoming second season of Celebrity Big Brother U.S., I was primed and ready to talk all kinds of shit because it literally comprised all of the ingredients for Shit Show Stew. Unfortunately, that was the wrong recipe. Which sucks because the show would have been deliciously dramatic. Now CBS has leaked the for really real cast and even though it only features two of the speculative cast members, Dina Lohan and Jonathan Bennett, I’ve got a feeling the second season is going to be insane.
Now I’m not going to lie to you, when I first saw this new lineup I thought to myself “Where the fuck is Tiffany Pollard AKA New York??” because I knew she’d bring buckets of insanity like she did on Celebrity Big Brother UK. However the real CBB cast is full of crying, lying, over-the-top crazy bitches so I guess even if New York isn’t a part of this madness there will still be enough drama to go around more than once. Well, in addition to Dina and Jonathan, this is the cast:
Tamar Braxton is a singer, former talk show host and member of the always weave-a-licious Braxton family. Tom Green is a comedian known for being annoying (he’ll probably be evicted first). Natalie Eva Marie is a former WWE wrestling Diva. Kandi Burruss is a singer, entrepreneur and noted sex fiend (hide the cucumbers). Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci was the former Director of Communication under Trump’s regime for ten whole days so he probably won’t shut up about that while he’s in the house. Joey Lawrence is Joey from Blossom and former dick-slinging Chippendale’s dancer. Ricky Williams is a former NFL running back and proud marijuana advocate (he’ll sneak the good shit in and win by default). LoLo Jones is an Olympic gold medalist who has vowed not to give any Na Na away until she’s married. Ryan Lochte, another Olympian who’s as dumb as a box of rocks, will probably try to slide into LoLo’s NoNo place. And finally Kato Kaelin. Yes, THAT Kato Kaelin from the infamous OJ Simpson trial back in the 90’s. I still don’t know exactly what the hell he does but I’m sure he needs this check so I look forward to seeing him as well.
Actually, this cast makes more sense than the last one, especially when you factor in Dina. I can already hear Tamar screaming at her “Bitch you tried it!” while Eva Marie runs from the other side of the room and drop kicks her into the couch. Ryan Lochte and The Mooch will begin a raucous Frat Boy cheer while Ricky Williams, who’ll probably be high the whole time, will slowly rise and ask “Yo, y’all see that?” I can’t wait! And you know who else can’t wait? Host Julie Chen (Moonves still?) who, according to People, is going to ride this hosting gig out until the wheels fall off.
“[Julie] has always been very hands-on as the host,” a source close to the network’s reality competition show previously told PEOPLE. “She knows everyone’s name on the crew, and she is very involved. She’s been doing this show for 18 years; she’s the face of Big Brother. A lot of the crew members are millennials who grew up watching her, and she has been so great to them. She’s very approachable, and she really cares about making the show as good as possible.”
ItThe two night premiere is only a week away. I’m going to have my popcorn ready (and by popcorn I mean Jameson) because contrary to their famous tagline I will be expecting these folks to show their asses so much CBS will now stand for Crazy Bitch Stew.