Chris Pratt and Katherine Schwarzenegger Are Not Wasting Any Time

January 14, 2019 / Posted by:

Chris Pratt (my 11th favorite Chris after Chris Crocker, Chris Farley, Chris Hemsworth, Chris Rock, Chris Evans, Chris Pine, Chris Tucker, Chris Cooper, Chris Isaak, and Chris my former Brooklyn weed man) is currently doing a 21-day fast based on the Bible, and I guess he’s taking that Christian shit all the way and is abiding by this commandment:

Thou shalt not fuck your piece until you’ve married their ass. (Sexodus 69:69)

Because he’s now engaged to his girlfriend of around 7 months Katherine Schwarzenegger. Chris let Tim Tebow know that he’s not the only one who ain’t going to live in sin (and also not the only one who can deliver a truly natural engagement photo).

39-year-old Chris announced on Instagram last night that he’s going to marry Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 29-year-old writer daughter. I’m going to press pause on being an old bitter bitch for a minute and say that this is really a sweet picture, because I can feel the love… that Katherine is giving to her ring while gazing at it lovingly as Chris is passing out from eating nothing but seeds and pita bread and shit.

Chris and Katherine got together sometime around June 2018. Chris officially became divorced from Anna Faris in November after splitting up a little over a year beforehand. Anna, who also moved on and is keeping it friendly with Chris and Katherine, congratulated them in the comments of his post:

You may have heard a BOOM sound and that could either be from the shotgun going off over Katherine having a Pratt fetus in her womb, or from the sound of Chris spontaneously cumbusting in his pants since he and Katherine are waiting to do each other until marriage. If the second one is the case, then expect them to be married by the time I press publish on this post. But whatever the case may be, I hope that when the preacher asks if anybody opposes the holy union between Chris and ASPCA ambassador Katherine, the pussy he heartlessly dumped and got rid of for being too old shows up like, “Surprise, bitch, I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me.”

Pic: Backgrid

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