This Jeff Bezos divorce story is definitely snowballing right on schedule, which is immediately. Divorce is messy, and this is the most expensive divorce in history. Win big, lose hard, I guess? …Speaking of things that are big and hard: it’s now being reported that Jeff Bezos has a big dick. Yup, we all knew this saga would eventually crash into DickPicVille.
Page Six is reporting that Lauren Sanchez, the former TV anchor with whom Jeff is still with and may or may not have cheated on his wife MacKenzie Bezos with, is not so great at keeping secrets. Apparently she was super excited to show her friends sexts between her and the richest man alive. Unfortunately, at least one of her friends got jealous of Lauren’s potential future bank account and reportedly decided to line their own, so they gave the texts between her friend and Trump’s rival to Trump’s favorite ass-kissing tabloid The National Enquirer.
The texts also include a dick pic, apparently. Although, are we sure it was a dick pic and not just a selfie of Jeff’s head (the one on his neck)? A source says that “Lauren’s over the moon [about their relationship].” And it’s not just the money. Lauren is also thriving because Jeff is packing heat his pantaloons and is Same-Day-Delivering some good dick.
Meanwhile, a source who has seen the raunchier text messages — which the tabloid didn’t publish, but that include explicit selfies — says Bezos has more to boast about than his bank account.
“He’s big,” said the insider.
This is all the work of a four-month long investigation into Jeff and Lauren by the Enquirer, which they codenamed Project Alexa. But don’t pat yourselves on the back too fast for your high-quality stalking skills, Enquirer. Jeff is threatening legal action.
The Blast is reporting that Jeff is once again denying that he cheated on MacKenzie and is adamant that they have been separated for a while. Sources are saying that Jeff had his legal team send a letter threatening the Enquirer. Sources claim the Enquirer told Jeff they were going to run the story and he tried to buy it, but they refused. So he put out a statement saying they were divorcing after being separated.
But the Enquirer ain’t scared: their middle name is Danger (actually it’s Trash). In fact, they are planning to “double down” on their coverage that they believe Bezos cheated, and have multiple follow-up articles planned for their “extended coverage”.
But don’t feel too bad for Jeff. One: he’s got a big dick (allegedly). And two: even if MacKenzie takes half his money, he’ll still be the fourth richest person alive. Wow… How poor are the rest of us, eh?