Jeff And MacKenzie Bezos Didn’t Have A Prenup, And His Wandering Peen May Be The Reason Why They’re Divorcing
Delicately-crafted lion floret Jocelyn Wildenstein currently holds the record for getting the biggest divorce settlement in history with a total of $3.8 billion (although she’s pretty much cash broke now and had to replace her usual kitty litter of crushed diamonds with Tidy Cats). But MacKenzie Bezos, wife of the richest man in the world, is easily going to take down that record, and she’s reportedly got some major ammunition in the form of loads that Jeff Bezos shot up into his side piece.
The direct opposite of shocking is that a 54-year-old billionaire cheated on his wife of 25 years. But what is shocking is that Jeff Bezos has been accused of cheating on 48-year-old MacKenzie with just one side ho (although, I just clicked one-day shipping while ordering a steel umbrella from Amazon, because I’m sure many, many side hos are going to fall from the sky). What also is shocking is that Jeff hasn’t been accused of cheating with a 20-year-old Sports Illustrated model who really gets him. Jeff has been accused of cheating with his wife’s 49-year-old friend Lauren Sanchez, who I haven’t thought about since she hosted the first season of So You Think You Can Dance in 2005.
When Jeff announced his divorce from MacKenzie on Twitter (dude missed a serious branding opportunity by not releasing the statement through Alexa), he said that they had gone through a trial separation, and made it sound like their split was a smooth one. But Jeff may have been covering his ass, because he knew The National Enquirer was about to drop a BLOCKBUSTER EXCLUSIVE (their words not mine) and report that he and Lauren have been humping on each other for the past 8 months.
Lauren is married to 53-year-old high-powered talent agent (and friend of Jeff’s) Patrick Whitesell, and they have two children together. Lauren has another kid from her relationship with NFLer Tony Gonzalez. Lauren and Patrick supposedly separated last summer after 13 years of marriage and are in the middle of a divorce. Sources (Alexa using a voice changer, obviously) swear to TMZ that Lauren and Jeff didn’t start doing each other until after they separated from their spouses. The Enquirer says otherwise.
Here’s Lauren, her soon-to-be ex, and her current piece at Golden Globes party over the weekend in 2016:
— Page Six Emily (@PageSixEmily) January 9, 2019
When some basic cable channel eventually turns this into a movie, I’m seeing Robert Patrick as Patrick, Eva Longoria as Lauren, and Charlotte’s husband from Sex and the City as Jeff. Although, Charlotte’s husband is going to have to turn up the smug something extra to play Jeff.
Patrick and Lauren have been friends with the Bezos for years, and have a house in Seattle where Jeff’s main lair is. After she split from her husband, Lauren (who was also a local news anchor in Los Angeles, almost got a full-time gig on The View, and was a host on Extra) was hired by Jeff to do aerial shots for his aerospace company Blue Origin. Lauren is a helicopter pilot who has a production company that does aerial shots and shit.
The National Enquirer says that for four months, their Detective LaToyas followed Jeff and Lauren around the country during their down-low trysts in fancy hotels. The Enquirer also claims to have proof that Jeff got with Lauren before he and his wife separated. They have time-stamped texts from April and May that Jeff supposedly sent Lauren. They read like this:
“I love you, alive girl. I will show you with my body, and my lips and my eyes, very soon.”
“I want to smell you, I want to breathe you in. I want to hold you tight.… I want to kiss your lips…. I love you. I am in love with you.”
“I love you, alive girl” is weird, but it’s better than “I love you, dead girl.” I am not going to judge those texts, because: 1) I’ve read my own love texts. And 2) If I was Lauren Sanchez and the richest person in the world sent me those sickly sweet texts, I’d have zero body fat from constantly dancing to ABBA’s Money, Money, Money.
Jeff and Lauren are still together and going strong. Jeff’s lawyer told The Enquirer that many knew he separated from his wife a long time ago.
As for the prenup situation, TMZ says that Jeff and MacKenzie don’t have one, which isn’t surprising since when they got married in 1993, he wasn’t even a millionaire, let alone a billionaire. They will file for divorce in Washington, which is a community property state. That means all money made during a marriage is split 50/50. Jeff’s current net worth is a reported $137 billion, so MacKenzie could become the richest woman once she gets her settlement. Françoise Bettencourt Meyers, the L’Oreal heiress, is currently the richest woman in the world with $46.5 billion.
So let’s see, The National Enquirer (who are firmly on Team Trump Ass Lickers) is breaking the story that Jeff Bezos (who is just one of Trump’s many rivals) cheated on his wife… Jabba the Trump already mouth-shat out words about this to reporters:
“Well, I wish him luck. I wish him luck. It’s going to be a beauty.”
Hmm… why am I picturing Trump patting Eric Trump on the head as Eric says, “Did I do good, daddy?!” while clutching a notebook titled: Uncle Putin’s Tips For Dummies On Hacking Text Messages.