If I haaaaaad to pick a favorite Duggar (and there are plenty to pick from ), I would have to say it was Jessa Duggar Seewaldd, even if my reasons are all based on a lie. Back when she married her boyfriend, now-husband Ben Seewald, they waited to have their first kiss (EVER!) in private. There was a brief report that by first kiss in private, they also meant first hide the Old Testament in private, since a guest claims they were caught boning in a room at their church since a Duggar woman is supposed to churn out children like your local Little Caesars cranks out Hot ‘n Ready pizzas.
As with all great stories, that ended up being fake, and Jessa has split her time since popping out two kids (one who put all wacky celeb-named kids to shame by being named Spurgeon) and defending her garbage brother. Well, there’s a fundamentalist Christian child army throne to seize, so Jessa is out with news of her third pregnancy.
People, the alternating source of direct deposits into the Duggar bank account along with TLC, is reporting 26-year-old Jessa and 23-year-old Ben are just #blessed by the news of their latest baby. They’ve only been married since November 2015 and are already parents to Spurgeon Elliot and the Jedi-sounding Henry Wilberforce. Jessa and her PR team (which I’m assuming is just an Ozark mountain lion) released an official statement:
“We are overjoyed that God has blessed us with a baby, due late this Spring!From the day we found out we were expecting, we both guessed boy, and if our predictions are right then we already have a ton the clothing and accessories ready to pass down! At the same time, we would absolutely love it if we found out we were having a girl — though we’ve joked that we’d be starting from square one and might have to learn a few things.”
Good grief, my vagina hurts just hearing these people talk, and I don’t even have a vagina. Ben claims Henry is too young to know what’s happening (count your blessings, Henry!), but Spurgeon is well aware his inheritance is about to diminish:
“Henry doesn’t have a clue what’s coming, but Spurgeon understands and he talks about the baby quite a bit… We realize that, in going from two to three kids, we’re about to switch from man-to-man to zone coverage, so we’ve definitely been taking advice from friends who are already in this stage!”
Sports! Manly! Christian! No-homo from the Duggars, got it?! Jessa also announced it on Instagram:
Jessa and Ben wouldn’t tell People the names they’re considering since they’d like to at least get three more paid stories out of this thing. Since both Spurgeon and Henry are named after Christian missionaries and preachers, odds are it will have some Christian connotation. If that’s the case, I’d like to bet $5 the latest Duggar is named Chick-fil-A!