In “FUCK! I Wish I Was MacKenzie Bezos” news, TMZ is reporting that Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos and his wife MacKenzie are getting divorced after 25 years of marriage. The two met in the early 90s after Jeff interviewed MacKenzie for a job, and were married 6 months later. In a true rags to riches story (or more like riches to richer to RICHEST), the two quit working on Wall Street and Jeff started an online bookstore in his garage which would later become the cursed site that people max their credit cards on from buying stupid shit while drunk.
The couple had been in a “trial separation” for a while and then decided to really say, “Alexa, we want a divorce.” Jeff is assuring us all that this is as amicable a divorce as a divorce can be but like, if Mandy Moore can’t get out of a divorce without a bit of drama, I seriously doubt that the richest man in the world will.
Still, Jeff announced his divorce on Twitter, saying that it’s going to be a smooth split:
— Jeff Bezos (@JeffBezos) January 9, 2019
The now-separated couple have four kids ranging from age 13 to 18 so MacKenzie, so if she gets custody, she’ll probably get child support for three of those kids. They also live in Washington state, which is a community property state, AKA assets amassed during the marriage are divided 50/50 unless there was a prenup.
And it’s looking like there is no prenup. Jeff became a millionaire in 1997 which was after they got married and now he’s worth $137 billion, so technically she’s entitled to half of the whole damn pie! Goddamnit! Oh, also: they own a total of 400,000 acres of property which literally makes them two of the biggest landholders in the entire country. …They say money can’t buy happiness but it can sure buy literally everything else, huh?
That sound you’re hearing isn’t the wind: it’s the collective howling of all the gold diggers of the world who have found a new target. Post-divorce Jeff better watch his back because all those gold-shoveled hussies will be banging down his door anxious to pick away at the remains of his billion-dollar fortune. Alexa: play Gold Digger, Jeff needs to know what’s coming.