Cleaning crews at The Beverly Hilton are probably still vacuuming up the shards of glitter that flew off of Billy Porter when he twirled in that amazing technicolor dreamcape, and are mopping up the Fiji water that people spewed out after realizing they were in the presence of the one and only Fiji Water Girl, and are disinfecting the floor after hundreds of people shit themselves as Baroness Jamie Lee Haden-Guest (seriously, she’s a baroness) sashayed onto the red carpet and they thought, “Damn, Brigitte Nielsen is looking hot after birthing out a baby!” People probably shit out everything in their system and are going to need some probiotics to get their guts good again. I see what you did there Queen of Activia!
Baroness Jamie Lee looked like she was on her way to shoot the reunion special for Real Housewives of Arendelle. She looked like a cross between the glamorously evil auntie of Elsa and Anna from Frozen and Snow Miser’s devastatingly glamorous third wife who defies the laws of science by heating up the planet with her icy elegance. Or maybe Snow Miser’s glamorous third wife IS Elsa and Anna’s evil auntie. I need that biopic. Baroness Jamie Lee was also serving so much face that her hairline couldn’t handle it and jumped back.
Then there was Lady Gaga, who probably wore that Ariana Grande dress-on-growth-hormones gown (made by Valentino Couture) because she thought was going to need lots of room to hold all the Golden Globes that A Star Is Born was going to win. But despite everyone thinking that A Star Is Born was going to sweep, it only won Best Original Song, which Gaga helped write. That train was so damn long that it reached the back of the room. That came in handy for the people sitting back there, because they had something to wipe their tears of laughter with after HAHA-ing over Gaga doing the Taylor Swift by looking all OMGSHOCKED and SURPRISED over winning an award she knew she was going to win. Gaga should’ve used some of that material to wipe up the blue skidmark that Papa Smurf left after scooting on her hair.
While Gaga really didn’t bring the glamour for me, actor Cody Fern from The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story brought it in gallons. If Millie Bobby Brown’s shady parents spent all her money in ten years and she had to get a job as an assistant manager at a MAC store in Transylvania, this is what she would wear to work. In other words, this IS the look.
Timothee Chalamet wore what Louis Vuitton (the maker of his ensemble) called an embroidered bib. Bitch, stop, that’s a bedazzled sex harness if I ever saw one. That harness managed to gloriously out-gay Adam Rippon’s Oscar harness. It’s the perfect thing to wear if you’re Johnny Weir and starring in Tom of Finland on Ice!
Best hair of the night easily goes to Amber Heard. If Amber Heard’s marriage and divorce to Johnny Depp was a hairstyle, it’d be this one. It’s a mess. It’s also twenty layers of “Southern debutante circa 1991 after drunkenly doing it in the bushes.” It’s pretty easy to achieve this kind of train wreck hair glamour. Just go to your nearest Supercuts and ask for the “Shelby from Steel Magnolias on her wedding day.” Once they’re done with it, take two rabid raccoons, throw them in a sack, and put that sack over your hair. Let them tussle it out for a few minutes before pulling the sack off. You should be left with this hotness:
Before we get to my favorite dress of the night (which I know you really care to know), here’s my runner-up. The most insufferable theater kid in the game is not right for reminding us about the time she played Catwoman, but Anne Hathaway was the corner where demure and elegance meet by doing herself up like the tackiest rich girl on Staten Island going to her Jackie Collins-themed quinceanera. It looks like she’s wearing Big Ang’s (RIP) old bathing suit under Big Ang’s old duvet cover. Finally, Anne did something right!
And finally, my best dressed goes to Rachel Weisz, and only because she wore Kelly Taylor and Brenda Walsh’s iconic spring dance dress, but made it her own by gluing a bunch of scrunched up tissues on it:
Yes, the top looks like the place where basic napkins go to die, but Rachel Weisz followed a very important fashion law: when all else fails, dress like Kelly and Brenda from Beverly Hills, 90210.
And here’s a zillion more looks from last night’s GGs. Come for Ricky Martin (yes, I see what I did there) and come again for Luke Evans.
Pics: Wenn.com, FOX