And In “This Relationship Is Moving A Little Too Fast For Me” News…

Meet Phoenix, Arizona’s Jacqueline Ades. Jacqueline met a man online and they went on a date. She was so affected by their brief time together that she went on to send her new love interest 159,000 texts (and, according to the cops, that’s a lowball estimate) over the next ten months. Many of them threatened him with great bodily harm. Maybe he took her to a chain restaurant? She’s currently awaiting trial on charges of stalking and criminal trespassing. Do you know what the definition of “fascia” is? Thanks to Jacqueline – you’re about to.

AZ Central reports that Jacqueline’s digital well wishes included:

“I’d wear ur fascia n the top of ur skull n ur hands n feet.”

Fun fact: “Fascia” is “the connective tissue that encloses muscles and organs.” Ew, wearing fascia WITH the top of a skull AND the hands and feet? That’s a lot of lewk. And it is simply NOT fashun.

Jacqueline also texted things like “I’d make sushi outta ur kidneys n chopsticks outta ur hand bones.” And “Oh what would I do w ur blood! … Id wanna bathe in it.” She also sent an anti-Semitic text referring to herself as “the new Hitler.”

Seriously, he must have taken her ass to Applebee’s and not even shelled out for the spinach and artichoke dip. What else could make a gal threaten to make a guy’s body parts into wearable apparel, edibles, and dining utensils?

However the date went, it had a serious affect on Ms. Ades. After the victim noted she kept parking her car outside of his residence on the regular, she amped up her terror campaign last spring.

Paradise Valley police arrested Ades after finding her taking a bath in the home on April 8. At that time, police also found a large butcher knife on the passenger seat of her car, the court documents added.

She was later released, but failed to appear in court on multiple occasions, court records show.

Scottsdale police later escorted her out of the building where the man worked, despite her insisting she was his wife. After hearing about the Scottsdale incident, Paradise Valley police arrested her on Tuesday, May 8, 2018, in Phoenix.

Court documents say Jacqueline told police she didn’t want to hurt the man and sent the threatening texts because she didn’t want him to leave. It seemed like they had the opposite effect. She sent him as many as 500 text messages in a single day. Did he not have a block function on his phone?!

She’s currently being held without bail in the Maricopa County jail, and will go on trial next month. She has pled not guilty. And Officers Obvious and Duh also noted this:

Arrest records completed by officers listed Ades as showing signs of mental illness.

And because of this sad and messy story, Hollywood will probably be inspired to do a crossover reboot of Fatal Attraction and Hannibal.

Pic: Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office