It’s been 11 months and 21 days since Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s divorce was finalized after what felt like decades of tabloid drama. But sadly, just because they are no longer married doesn’t mean we’re free from hearing the most intimate details of their hideous relationship. Johnny is currently suing The Sun for defamation over an April 2008 story which called him a “wife-beater” (the original headline read “How can J.K. Rowling be ‘genuinely happy’ casting wife-beater Johnny Depp in the new Fantastic Beasts film?”). As such, a 471-page deposition is being examined for proof that Johnny abused his wife. The poor clerk who has to work in the courthouse where their divorce records are stored has probably been waiting to take her lunch break since 2016. Can somebody please at least let a bitch step out for a sandwich! According to The Hollywood Reporter, we now know that the couple referred to Johnny as “The Monster” when he was in a mood, and Amber was afraid of him.
In the deposition taken on August 13, 2016, Amber was being questioned by “a top Hollywood attorney employed by her now ex-husband Johnny Depp” and said:
“Johnny and I refer to his other personality, the part of him that is present when he beats me up — we call that the monster and have called [that] the monster for many years,” Heard recounted during a deposition taken amid the divorce. She added, “I was petrified of the monster.”
Girl, we are petrified of the regular Johnny, let alone his monster alter ego. Last time I checked, everyday Johnny has all the hallmarks of a straight up gollum. Pallid complexion and waxy skin? Check. Funky mummy’s tomb breath? Check. Frankenstein-like diction? Check. Hulk Smash mentality? Check. Patchy facial hair as if in mid werewolf transition. Check, check, and check.
You don’t need to be Van Helsing to know that Johnny Depp is some kind of dark-sided ghoul. In fact, that’s what The Sun should have just gone with. They should have just called him a “child-scarer” instead of a wife-beater and Barbara over in records could have run a couple of errands and swung by Panera Bread on her lunch break.