The main reason for why I’ve never gotten a woman pregnant is a little thing called “being gayer than a strawberry lube-scented fart out of a power bottom flamingo’s ass.” But now I know that the other reason why I’ve never gotten a woman pregnant is because as soon as she said the words, “Will you give up booze and coffee with me?“, I’d Billy Crudup her by leaving her pregnant ass for another trick, the other trick being hot rum coffee, of course. But not Prince Hot Ginge! PHG’s vodka-snorting days are so long gone that he actually broke up with the sweet nectar. And not only that, but he also temporarily ended things with coffee and tea after Duchess Meghan asked him to. Is PHG trying to give his memaw THE QUEEN a heart attack? Because that’s what might happen if he says “no thanks” to an offer of a gin or some tea.
A source tells The Express that not a drop of booze, coffee or tea will make an appearance on PHG’s tongue until the royal ginger baby has arrived. The source went on to say that Meghan has really become a bad influence on PHG by persuading him to give up fun things in exchange for stupid ugly things like “doing yoga” and “eating healthy.” Lord, if we see THE QUEEN sipping on a green juice while carrying a yoga mat, we’ll know that Meghan has truly destroyed the monarchy as we know!
“Considering he’s been a pretty brutal drinker since he was a young teenager, it’s quite an achievement. He was always fidgeting and on the go, always looking for the next thrill. He was a great laugh but it was always very full on. Now his new regime doesn’t make him the most entertaining party guest in the world, but he’s definitely more chilled and relaxed.
All she [Meghan] did was show him there’s another way to live and he’s become a huge fan. He eats well, doesn’t poison his body, exercises, does a bit of yoga and is a lot happier.”
But wait, PHG is calmer, more chilled, and is eating healthier, which probably means he’s eating more greens. I know what’s really going on here. When Meghan asks a more-chilled-out PHG what he had for lunch, he grins and says, “Greens,” as THE QUEEN cackles in the background while tossing out the joint they just shared.
And give the coffee that PHG gave up to Princess Anne, because The Times declared her the hardest-working royal of 2018. She worked a total of 517 events, beating out Prince Charles (507 events), Prince Edward (463 events), Prince Andrew (394 events), THE QUEEN (283 events), Prince William (220 events), PHG (193 events), Duchess Meghan (96 events), and Duchess Kate (87 events). Well, I guess it’s good that PHG gave up booze, coffee, and tea, because his booze, coffee, and tea budget was probably a few million pounds. And now the royals can use that money to buy Princess Anne a bionic hand after hers falls off from all that waving.