Happy New Year From Anderson Cooper Burning On The Inside From Tequila

January 1, 2019 / Posted by:

Meanwhile on CNN… as Jane Curtin declared that her New Year’s resolution is to dance on the grave of the Republican party after it dies, tequila nearly killed Anderson Cooper.

Andy Squared were back to hosting New Year’s Eve on CNN last night, and when I turned it on for a second, literal daddy-to-be (he’s expecting a boy, by the way) Andy Cohen was throwing a dramatic ass fit about some truly riveting umbrella drama, so I switched the channel. But apparently I missed the gift of The Silver Fox’s face contorting into “Mr. Burns while getting rimmed by a shark” every time he took a shot of tequila.

My throat walls are so charred from booze that I could do a shot of gasoline and be like, “Hmm, soothing.” But not Anderson Cooper. He hardly ever drinks, and so when a load of the Mexican sweet nectar hit the back of his throat, he couldn’t take it and sounded like a parrot watching the Screech sex tape for the first time. Andy complained that it was burning his lungs. Yeah, that’s the point!

That face! Not only is it the new wallpaper on my phone, but it’s also the face you make when you tell your trick to bust in your mouth, and after he does, you find out the hard way that he’s got a trash diet.

You know New Year’s Eve drunk treasures Brooke Baldwin and Don Lemon were like, “Amateur!

And in case you want to see it, here’s Andy Cohen losing it over the Times Square Alliance going all anti-Rihanna on his ass by saying that he can’t stand under their umbrella or any umbrella. Because umbrellas were banned in Times Square for NYE, except for the umbrella that almost murdered Chrissy Teigen’s face, I guess. The Times Square Alliance threatened to not let CNN film in Times Square for next New Year’s if Andy didn’t ditch the umbrella.

Why do I have a feeling that somewhere under a canopy near Andy Squared’s stage, a totally dry Kathy Griffin was cackling after passing a hundy to the Times Square Alliance lady?

Pic: CNN


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