Gwyneth Paltrow May Have Goop, But Jeff Bezos Ain’t Returning Her Calls

December 4, 2018 / Posted by:

The definition of snake oil may come with a picture of Gwyneth Paltrow scooping her Oscar for Shakespeare In Love, but that doesn’t make her laugh any less when she peeks at the numbers jade vagina eggs have generated for her bank account. Gwyn is make the press rounds to show how much of a business woman she is these days, and her latest sit-down is honestly a greatest hits of her wackadoo-ness, like “conscious uncoupling” and her trying to claim she made yoga happen (more on that later). Alas, while the world is  apparently getting taken over by Amazon, there’s one person Jeff Bezos ain’t calling – and that’s GP.

The Wall Street Journal is featuring Gwyneth in their next magazine, and it seems like they’re having a little bit of fun batting around her company by fact-checking how much business she can generate. (She claims a Goop promo accounted for 10% of a day’s sales at J. Crew when it was actually only 8%.) She kinda boasts about having an in with Oprah and Disney’s Bob Iger, but she won’t be getting any help from Jeff and Amazon: “I’ve emailed him. He won’t email back.” I’m sure that means Goop interns are required to wear $800 tank tops that say, “Amazon isn’t on-brand anyway.

Gwyneth wants us to know she’s a changed gal too:

“I’m here one fucking time. I want an incredible life. I used to be in my trailer, smoking a cigarette and waiting for Ethan Hawke to open the door. Now look at me.”

Speak for yourself, Gwyn! Ripping Parliament Lights in an on-set Winnebago waiting around for Ethan to run lines from Great Expectations sounds pretty fucking incredible to me. One area that did give me pause was Gwyneth is still blabbing on about “conscious uncoupling” and how she was demonized for labeling her divorce from Chris Martin as such:

“It was so hard to be getting a divorce and letting go of this dream, and the public stuff was super painful. I wanted to see if we could check our pain and egos at the door and remember what we love about each other and be a family for these kids. What I didn’t understand at the time was, I think there’s a message in that, which is, ‘If you don’t do it this way, you’re hurting your kids.’I think people take that as: ‘She thinks she is better than me.’”

Us? Think GP has a superiority complex? Where in all her $800 T-shirt sales does she ever get THAT idea?!

She says she’s still learning to be a stepmom now that she’s remarried to Brad Falchuk and that those two are still trying to figure out the best way to merge households. Somehow, I think that process simply involves her telling him, “Don’t move my shit.” Don’t worry, friends. She’s still finding time to exert her steamed-vagine superiority at a moment’s notice:

“Forgive me if this comes out wrong, but I went to do a yoga class in L.A. recently and the 22-year-old girl behind the counter was like, ‘Have you ever done yoga before?’ And literally I turned to my friend, and I was like, ‘You have this job because I’ve done yoga before.’”

Somewhere, Madonna is taking out some of the pins she had already applied to her Tracy Anderson voodoo doll and thrusting them into her Goop one and screaming, “WERE YOU NOT EVEN LISTENING WHEN I MADE US WORKOUT TO ‘RAY OF LIGHT’FOR ALL THOSE YEARS?!

Pic: WSJ/Lachlan Bailey

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