YouPorn Responded To Starbucks Banning Porn By Banning Starbucks

Starbucks recently announced that they’re going to be installing a blocker on their WiFi in all of their U.S. locations that will prevent you creepy types from jerking off near the clearance tea mugs, because their blocker will ban porn! Well, you always knew they were mind-controlling overpriced fascists, but now there’s proof. Forbes reports that, in response, the management over at porno tube tug site YouPorn has banned all Starbucks products from their offices. That’ll teach em’!

In what is obviously a joke memo, YouPorn’s VP Charlie Hughes basically threatens to upend burning hot Café Americano over his employees’ heads if their coffee cups have that green mermaid lady on them.

In light of the news that Starbucks has blocked customers from searching and viewing adult content within their establishments, Starbucks products will officially be banned from the YouPorn offices, effective January 1st, 2019.

Can you blame YouPorn? Starbucks had already blocked porn in all of their UK locations, now it’s happening in the US. If their site’s visitors can no longer enjoy an anal creampie with their pumpkin spice, revenue could go way down. Oh, come on – some people are totally snapping carrots and flicking beans (which is what I’m calling my future memoirs) at their local Starbucks. Why do you think some people are spending way too long in the restrooms? Coffee doesn’t have THAT much of a laxative effect.

Starbucks hasn’t publicly responded to YouPorn’s retaliation as of yet.

YouPorn employees, if you’re willing to give up the pretentiousness, you can walk your slutty asses across the street to the Dunkies because a “large” is two ounces more than a “trenta,” costs less, and there probably won’t be a bunch of finance bros chortling over KPIs at the next table.

Pic: Instagram