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December 2, 2018 / Posted by:

Buitoni Instant Pizza!

Before microwaves were a regular thing in kitchens, and the important gourmet delicacy known as Hot Pockets existed, there were frozen toaster pizzas. In 1969, Nabisco decided to wreck toasters by putting out Poppins, which were straight-up mini pizzas that you’d cook in a toaster. It wasn’t a pocket of dough or anything. It was a little pizza, so you’d probably burn off the calories you gained from eating that disc of nast by trying to get the melted cheese out of your toaster. But today we pay tribute to a different toaster pizza, because reader Sandy dropped it into my inbox. We pay tribute to Buitoni toaster pizza, which was so authentically Italian that I’m sure it tasted just like one of the cheesy toe jam nuggets in the feet that wears the Italy boot.

Unlike the geniuses (and toaster destroyers) at Nabisco, Buitoni solved the dilemma of killing toasters with melted cheese and sauce by making their toaster pizza coasters of dough stuffed with cheese, sauce, and meat. It was like a round Hot Pocket, or an Italian pupasa, or like the diaphragm you’d shove into your cooze if you wanted one of the Teenage Mutant Turtles to sex you.

I never ate one, but Sandy described it as kind of tasting like a hot piece of pizza box cardboard with a glob of cheese and sauce stuck to it.

Michael, it was awful. Frozen pizza that you popped into your toaster, pop-up toaster, to cook.. Sort of like what you do with pop tarts except it has sauce and cheese shit inside of it. And it turned out kind of hot and dry.

It was a round piece of crappy dough with that filling inside it. Like the picture on the box. I ate this in the 70s. I was broke and it didn’t cost a lot.

And the commercial starred what I thought was Andy Kaufman with an Italian accent, and a hot Italian daddy who hypnotized you with his Bill Hader-like delivery into listening to your mama and buying his gourmet toaster pizza.

As with every single product of the past that no longer exists, there’s a “Please Bring Back” Facebook group for Buitoni’s toaster pizza. I don’t ever see Buitoni’s making a comeback, because really, us lazies have reached new levels of laziness and it’s just too much work to pull a frozen pizza disc out of a box, take the plastic off of it, put it in the toaster, wait, and then burn my finger tips while taking it out before throwing it on a plate. Just typing that shit out makes me want to take a nap. Why would I do all of that when I can get just order an equally-as-nasty pizza on Domino’s with the touch of one button? And when they knock on the door to deliver it, I just have to holler, “Toss it in, Bobby!“, and my regular delivery dude opens the door, and slides the pizza across the floor to me laying on the couch. He has really good aim.

Pic: Mental Floss

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