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December 1, 2018 / Posted by:

The New Jessica!

The impact of Bad Sandy from Grease hit Sweet Valley High in 1986 when creator Francine Pascal and writer Kate Williams gave over-sweetened bowl of oatmeal Jessica Wakefield a bad bitch makeover in SVH #32. Reader Kimberly dropped Bad Jessica into my inbox as a HSOTD nomination, and how could I say no, since Bad Jessica looks like Daphne Zuniga from Melrose Place giving off smug vibes while cashing the first check she got as an assistant manager at Judy’s.

In The New Jessica, Jessica gets tired of being a twin and everyone mistaking her for Elizabeth. So she gives herself a worldly woman of the world makeover by beating her face with some Wet ‘n Wild glamour, wearing OUTRAGEOUS clothes that look like they came from a Halloween costume called “Naughty Cougar” (Bad Jessica IS Peg Bundy’s style icon), and splattering her blonde mane with some wash-out black hair dye. Bad Jessica also perfected the “coming for your man” pose. Good Reads describes that shit like this:

She gets a complete makeover and dyes her hair black. Then she starts to wear outrageous clothes and read European magazines. Soon everyone at Sweet Valley High is talking about the new, sophisticated Jessica Wakefield.

But one person isn’t thrilled with Jessica’s transformation. Elizabeth feels as though she’s lost her twin sister forever. Is the old Jessica gone for good?

Since my tastes in literature are more mature and refined, I read the classics like Jackie Collins books and the Choose Your Own Adventure series, so I didn’t read many tales from Sweet Valley High. But thankfully a Good Reads reviewer named Jessica (Bad Jessica, probably) let me know what happens:

thats right, bitches…don’t hate…this series rules. sweet valley high is some good shit…reading these books won me the fifth grade read-a-thon. in this book jessica decides to die her hair and become a whore to make herself completely different from her twin sister, elizabeth. in the end she decides that being a twin is much more important than she EVER realized. groundbreaking.

And now all I really want is for Good Reads reviewer Jessica to give me a Mystery Science Theater 3000-like narration of The New Jessica while dressed like The New Jessica.

Pic: Amazon

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