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November 27, 2018 / Posted by:

The Riesen Chocolate Chews Jingle!

Riesen Chocolate Chews, which are basically German caramel dingles covered with chocolate, have been around since the olden times (the 1930s to be specific) and you can still get them easily. But while the poop nugget that a Werther’s Original pooted out lives on, the Riesen jingle that covered many ears with loads of cheese has long been dead….until a reader brought it back to life for me.

Reader and commenter QueenOfFarts (yes, QueenOfFarts, so bow down, but make sure to keep your nose down to the floor extra low) dropped the Riesen commercial from the 90s into my inbox as a HSOTD nomination, and let me know that for some reason, it was marketed to dudes at the time. I guess the jaws of a lady are too delicate and weak for some chewy caramel. And sweetness is just for ladies!

For reasons that still escape me, the Storck Reisen Chocolate Chew marketing was targeted towards the dudes. It was like the “Man’s Chocolate” or something. Some of the ads from the 90s *maybe hint* at why, with a male actor saying it’s “not too sweet,” like sweetness is just for the ladies or something. I still remember my confusion as a youngster around that.

Note to manly man men: Stay away from a super sweet candy like Twix unless you want to grow boobs, get your period, and suddenly have a craving for rom-coms. Speaking of….

The Riesen jingle that really jumped on my nerves was the one from 1996 and 1997. It sounded like a horrible theme song of an ultra-cheesy 90s rom-com that’d make Meg Ryan say, “Nope, too far.” If the Mad About You theme song mutated into a monster after being doused in toxic cheese, this is what it would sound like:

This commercial also shows why Riesen aren’t for wimmun folk. The lady in this commercial probably had to be rushed to the ER because her simple lady brain couldn’t process how to chew Riesen. I see the man laughing at her like, “Oh, silly woman, Riesen is for MEN!”

I need to apologize. I really should’ve told you to stuff Riesens into your ears before pressing play. Because now that jingle from HELL is stuck in your brain forever and on your death bed, you’ll be singing through gritted teeth, “You are the one who loves laughter and fun…

Pic: YouTube

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