Playboy Finally Delivers Some Nipple Hardening And Loin Quivering Hotness

November 16, 2018 / Posted by:

It’s been a good week for the majority shareholders in the companies who make Preparation H and Vagisil, because b-holes have been howling themselves raw and coochie holes have been slobbering themselves bone dry over Extra Miller serving bust-a-nut-inducing looks like his Queen Of The Gothic Trash Bags look, his Electrocuted Swan Lake look, and his Uniqlo assistant manager on E look (above). Get ready to throw an entire warehouse of Prep H and/or Vagisil at your fuck parts, because Extra Ezra has once again struck genitals with his sexiness. This time he had help from Playboy. I know, Playboy actually delivering some fap material? 2018 really is like an acid trip in the Upside Down.

In 2015, Pamela Anderson’s pencil eraser rubber nipples were supposed to be the last pair of nipples to grace a new issue of Playboy, because they were having an identity crisis and came up with the idea that they need to cater to millennials and millennials don’t want nipples. They also adopted a more hipster Instagram aesthetic. Two years later, Playboy brought back nudity after realizing that Playboy without overly-Photoshopped lady cooze is like me displaying proper grammar. It makes people all confused in the brain. But strangely enough, one of their hottest pictorials in a while is free of nudity. Well, unless you count Ezra Miller’s hairy alien gazelle nipples as nudity.

To promote that Fantastic Beasts movie (and the only good part of that movie has been Ezra’s promo glamour), the gender queer bombshell had a long talk with Playboy, and also gave it to the boys and girls in a photo shoot that answers this question for me:

Q: How do you get me to reach for the lube over pictures of Playboy bunny ears, high heels, and fishnets?

The answer is: put Extra Ezra in ’em and get him to throw a delicate “come hither” pout that makes Blanche DuBois take note.

That second picture of Ezra squatting and presenting nalgas cleavage to the cameras has triggered several of my senses, including my sense of hearing, because it’s got Throw That Boy Pussy blasting into my ears.

And here’s Ezra giving us some catch of the day with that fishnet-slathered leg.

Playboy also shared some behind-the-shoot video from Ezra modeling looks snatched straight from the 70s closets of Mick and Bianca Jagger:

You can slather your eyes with even more of Ezra’s disco Victor/Victoria glamour by clicking here.

When it comes to words, Ezra said a lot of them. He said that one of the first times he jacked off to Playboy was with an older boy in elementary school. He also said he’s a sexual being who is into doing both dudes and chicks, and isn’t into being with just one person. Ezra is in a members-only polycule, which is a group of queer beings “who are in a relationship with one or more other members of the group.

“I’m trying to find queer beings who understand me as a queer being off the bat, who I make almost a familial connection with, and I feel like I’m married to them 25 lifetimes ago from the moment we meet. And then they are in the squad—the polycule. And I know they’re going to love everyone else in the polycule because we’re in the polycule, and we love each other so much.

I have more of an ecstatic practice, but I do take to instatic practices at times, so sometimes, I don’t have sex for a really long time because a lack of sex is as important to me as sex.”

I have questions about Ezra’s polycule. Are they all as hot as Ezra Miller? Are they accepting applications? Do you have to be fluent in JadenSmithanese (aka the language Ezra is speaking above) to join? Finally, do you have to cuddle with everyone. Because cuddling with one person after boning is one thing, but cuddling with many is a sticky hot nightmare. That’s a deal breaker. Wrap me in bubblewrap and FedEx me to Hell before you make me cuddle with more than one person.

Pic: Wenn.com

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