Chris Pine Wants To Have A Serious Conversation About Why His Dick (Which Matches Michael Fassbender’s, By The Way) Is Getting Attention

November 7, 2018 / Posted by:

Two things:

  1. That Medieval Times Movie On Netflix Where Chris Pine Shows His Crotch Monster And Dick Shrub (yes, that’s the movie’s official title, I checked) hasn’t come out yet even though it feels like we’ve been talking about it since the 14th century, which is the time that movie takes place. It comes out this week.
  2. Chris Pine told the Press Association that he wishes we could have a serious conversation about why we’re talking about his dick, but instead people are making jokes like horny tweens. But a second later, he joked that his dick is as gloriously peentacular as Michael Fassbender’s dick is in Shame.

So I’m not sure if Chris Pine doesn’t want us to joke about his dick or does want us to joke about his dick, but I do know that he’s talking about his dick, so let’s all talk about his dick!

I don’t even really know what Chris Pine’s Netflix movie is about. I just know that his salchicha and whopping dollop of pubes make a 2-second cameo appearance in it. They’re currently both frontrunners for Best Supporting Oscars. The Outlaw King (that’s what it’s really called) premiered at the Toronto Film Festival a couple of months ago, and critics talked a lot about the riveting performance by his dick. Chris was on The Graham Norton Show last month, and was asked about all the attention his dick got. Chris loved the funny tweets about it, but wondered if there’s a double standard (DUH) when it comes to nudity by dudes and ladies.

Chris talked about that double standard more with the Press Association. His co-star Florence Pugh gets nipples-out naked in the movie, and nobody is talking about. Chris wonders if it’s because women are expected to get naked in movies. Again, DUH.

“Florence shows her entire body in this film, and no-one is talking about that. And people want to talk about my penis like we’re a bunch of teenagers playing spin the bottle. I’d love to have an interesting conversation about why is it funny or pithy or a conversation to be had about that, whereas Florence is not. Is she expected to do that because she is a woman and I’m not expected to do that because I’m a man? What is it really? I don’t know, totally.”

So let me take my mind off of Chris Pine’s peen situation for a second, and swallow his words. We, as a people, slobber over dick (and it’s not even hard dick!) in movies, because it doesn’t happen often and actors aren’t asked to do it while women are expected to get naked. So then, the solution would be to pull the pressure off of actresses to get naked and put more dick in movies. I agree!

Chris also talked to BBC Radio 1 about his career, and he didn’t get to have an interesting conversation about why we’re all jizzing at the mouth about his skin sausage, but he did bring it up (at the 8:45 mark in the video below). Chris was asked about a speech he gives in Outlaw King, and he took the opportunity to mention his dick and also mention that it stacks up to Fassbender’s.

“A lot has been made about me being nude, and quite honestly, I’m only naked for — it’s no Fassbender situation. I mean, I’d certainly match him.”

Chris still hasn’t gotten the conversation about why everyone keeps talking about his dick. And now he’s sort of challenged Michael Fassebender to a big dick-off. So while James Lipton organizes a very special Inside the Actors Studio with Chris Pine and his dick, I’m going to organize a big dick-off with him and Michael Fassbender. It can be a sword fight, if you will. The location will be the My Mouth Coliseum. Bring your own antibiotics, boys!

Pic: YouTube

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