If you’ve pulled every hair out of your body and bit your nails, skin, and finger meat down to the bone and all you’ve got left are some dangling phalanges and a crotch smoother than a Sphynx cat’s asshole, then you’re probably an American who is already following the midterm elections. Or you’re a citizen of the world who was worried about a much more important matter: People’s Sexiest Man Alive. Yeah, definitely the second one.
Last year, People caused the Census Bureau to double check if only one man is alive when they named Blake Shelton as their Sexiest Man Alive 2017. If People named a pair of cum-stained Fruit of the Loom chonies lying on a broken Bud Light bottle in the parking lot of a Dave & Buster’s as their Sexiest Man Alive 2018, it would’ve been an upgrade, but they really went for it by giving the title to crotch seizure-inducing daddy Idris Elba. Finally, the popular vote matters!
Idris is People’s 33rd Sexiest Man Alive, and only the third black man, along with Denzel Washington and The Rock. Idris really should’ve been People’s Sexiest Man Alive in 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, and 2017, but to quote you after your piece finally busts one fifteen minutes after you did: better late than never! Idris posted the cover on Instagram, a cover that is definitely going to make the moms who read People pull over their Honda Odyssey and lay a windbreaker under their seat so they don’t ruin that shit with the panty pudding stream they’ll shoot out while looking at Idris Elba in a cardigan. People definitely knows their audience and knows their audience is into men-in-cardigan porn. Behold, the hotness!
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Who'd have thought it! Thank you @people & all the fans for naming me #SexiestManAlive. Don't forget to grab your issue this week, link in bio. I'm honoured & thankful. But what’s even more important is your vote in the midterm elections. Your vote can make a difference! 👊🏾
People’s current reigning Sexiest Man Alive was announced on The Tonight Show, and Idris talked to Jimmy Fallon while stuck in a place that looks like an elevator. If your fantasy involves a stuck elevator and Idris Elba, this is your wet dream come to life.
Idris also said some words about People making a decision they should’ve made years ago:
So what did Elba think when he first heard about his latest title? “I was like, ‘Come on, no way. Really?’” the actor tells PEOPLE in this week’s cover story. “Looked in the mirror, I checked myself out. I was like, ‘Yeah, you are kind of sexy today.’ But to be honest, it was just a nice feeling. It was a nice surprise — an ego boost for sure.”
Though he was an athlete at his all-boys school in London, playing first-string football, basketball, cricket, hockey and rugby, the actor insists he went through an awkward phase first. “I was very tall and skinny,” says the 6’3″ Elba. “And my name was Idrissa Akuna Elba, okay? I got picked on a little bit. But as soon as I could grow a mustache, I was the coolest kid on the block. Grew a mustache, had some muscles, bonkers.”
Honestly, the only thing Idris should’ve said is, “Really, Blake Shelton?” And yes, he should’ve said it without a top on. Okay, okay, in nothing but a cardigan.